Tired of the games

Old 11-11-2009, 09:47 AM
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Unhappy Tired of the games

Yesterday was a rollercoaster for me. I wasn't able to reach my lawyer to ask questions and XH kept emailing me with his demands. I did my best to keep to my "technique" and respond minimally, but he keeps throwing threats my way: "I won't go to mediation if I suspect that the daycare has been told not to let me pick up the baby", "If you don't respond to my email RIGHT NOW, I'll consider that we don't have any agreement at all", "If you want to be "informed" ahead of time of when I pick up the baby, then you'll need to find a way to prove to me that we legally have shared custody and equal rights to her"...

This is just exhausting. And confusing to boot...

In the afternoon, XH picked up our daughter from her daycare and brought her to his place. I managed to leave work early to try to meet him at the daycare, but just missed them. I drove like mad to his place so that he wouldn't be alone with her for long. I had already left her alone with him for 20 minutes on Saturday, and I'm trying my best to reduce any alone time she has with him. At least last night's alone time was on the subway.

I get to his place and baby is fine. She knows the apartment and she's happily playing. Thank goodness. Of course, XH already has a beer in hand. It's like it's attached to him, like a growth or something.

The evening went well overall--there were no video games on the tv, the vaccum cleaner was out, almost for show, and XH was generally nice and played with the baby. The only issue was that he hadn't planned any dinner for her; I didn't expect him to feed me, but she's 16 months old and needs a solid dinner with protein and carbs. He said he planned on just giving her Cheerios and apple sauce the whole night. Hmm. He also didn't want to give her a bath. Double hmm.

And yet, he's being so nice and so reasonable. He's playing this Perfect Dad role and it's confusing me. He keeps telling me he wants a "good relationship" between us, and that he wants us to parent our child together. He printed out all these articles about how daughters who come from homes where the mother has sole custody are three times more likely to become pregnant as teenagers...It wasn't 3 months ago that *I* was printing out the same articles, about the benefit of a father's input in a child's life, and he was brushing me off, telling me he "only wanted the fun stuff". NOW he is trying to prove to me that shared custody is best for a child, and I DO believe this, but both parents have to be functional for this to work! How can I trust this man after everything he's put me through?

Ugh, I'm just so tired of this. Nice one day, all the while sending me threatening emails. The plain nasty the next day. Random texts in between. Detach detach detach I tell myself. I don't answer emails or texts, but I'm still in turmoil inside, I think because my inner defenses are pretty weak and I'm generally exhausted. Some days I'm afraid that I won't be able to get out of bed; I'm not there yet, but some days, I feel the threat looming. Why does he put me through this rollercoaster?
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Old 11-11-2009, 09:59 AM
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Document it. Honestly, if it were me, I would let go a little bit. He knows he is getting a rise out of you and will continue to do this as long as it works. He'll probably get sick of the responsibility after a while.
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Old 11-11-2009, 10:16 AM
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but he keeps throwing threats my way: "I won't go to mediation if I suspect that the daycare has been told not to let me pick up the baby", "If you don't respond to my email RIGHT NOW, I'll consider that we don't have any agreement at all", "If you want to be "informed" ahead of time of when I pick up the baby, then you'll need to find a way to prove to me that we legally have shared custody and equal rights to her"...
I don't understand how he thinks he has ANY of this power!!? The JUDGE is the one who will decide who will have joint, shared or sole custody!!! The JUDGE will force you into mediation -- it's not up to him to decide. If he's an ass about it, it will only look bad for HIM when it comes time for the final proceedings.

You just keep quiet like you have been, and keep documenting!! Did you write down that you went into the apt last night and he had a beer in his hand? That the baby had eaten cheerios and had no bath? WRITE IT ALL DOWN. Who, what, when and where. Was anyone else present? What was he wearing? What was the baby wearing? What was said? Every detail. The detail helps validate your story.

When you get nervous about something he's said, call your attorney before you do anything he's asking you to do!!

Ask him if he plans to let go of his beer long enough to accept his "Father of the Year" award.
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Old 11-11-2009, 10:36 AM
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Detach from HIS behavior the rambling of a drunk on a computer screen and cell phone.

It’s documentation of his behavior that can be used against him so to speak.

Pick your battles, do you really want to battle with rambling words of an alcoholic? NO, so pick the things in real life, not threats on a computer to battle over.

I agree with wanting, the novelty of being a father will wear off soon enough because he will need to be responsible and that may be a big stretch for him.

It’s as if he knows he’s got you over a barrel with his threats and will continue until he is re-trained by YOUR NEW BEHAVOIR, other wise it will be the same old same old between the two of you. You have to change the dynamics of this relationship where he is not in control over you.
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Old 11-11-2009, 10:56 AM
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He puts you through it because he wants the status quo back and he knows that threatening you with your daughter will make you react. He hopes you'll be so scared of his threats that you will come back and everything will be just like it was before.

If it were me I wouldn't even respond to his emails, just save them for court. If you are afraid he will do something like take the baby & run, move her into a different daycare and don't tell him where it is.
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Old 11-11-2009, 11:17 AM
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Thank you for your repsonses everyone. I needed to hear them. I've gone back into the Word file I had previously created to document his repeated absences from home and have begun logging his behaviour and comments. Hopefully he keeps giving me ammo against him.

As for switching the daycare my daughter goes to, 1) I dont' want to do that because she loves her daycare and caregivers so much and 2) because there is no safeguard order in place yet, we still have joint legal custody which means I do not have the authority to make this change without his express permission. He knows this fact full well and would use it against me, so I'm "stuck" until the safeguard order is in place, hopefully within the next week or two.

Ugh, more eggshells...
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Old 11-11-2009, 11:32 AM
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I like your new name and avatar. Good stuff!

As for him making these text message demands... must be exhausting for you. Curious to see what comes out of mediation.

In VA a mediator makes suggestions based on typical court rulings of similar cases in the hopes that reasonable parties would just agree to the mediation and save the hassle and expense of court/lawyers.

Just curious, in Canada just how much power over property and custody issues does a Mediator have?
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Old 11-11-2009, 11:38 AM
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Here's what it says on a Canadian legal site:

The mediator’s role is to help ex-spouses communicate, express their feelings, and resolve their conflicts, all in an atmosphere of respect and trust.

A mediator, however, is not a therapist, an arbitrator, or a lawyer and he does not represent either one of the parties. He cannot give you a legal opinion regarding your particular situation

A judge has the power to change your agreement or to send you to renegotiate certain clauses if he believes that the agreement is not in the best interests of your children. This can happen if, for example, you decide that there will be no child support paid although the parent who is supposed to pay can afford it.
.

Sooo, it seems that the mediator can only help facilitate the discussion between the spouses, and that the agreement reached can be overturned by the judge.

I used to think that we were going to be reasonable about this and that XH was in agreement that shared custody isn't desirable for another year or more, but then XH turned around and tried to become Father of the Year and it willing to fight me tooth and nail for *his* daughter.

My lawyer has told me that if mediation degenerates and my XH become verbally violent, she can write me a dispensation due to "cruely" and I won't have to continue with it to obtain my decree of divorce.
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Old 11-11-2009, 11:43 AM
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I see, was just curious if selling the Mediator was all you had to accomplish. Man... what a pain. I can only imagine what this must be like for you.

In my situation we each had our own children from a previous marriage, the only thing to fight over was the living room furniture and the Jack Russell.... I got custody of the dog.

I feel for you and hope things work out soon. Usually they shoot themselves in the foot over these types of things. Good luck.
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Old 11-12-2009, 07:29 AM
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I spoke with my lawyer yesterday afternoon (finally!), and got a good idea of what's going to happen once I sign the proceedings. I'm still undecided as to what to do. Do I:

a) Wait for november 19 and our first mediation session before deciding to go ahead and serving XAH with divorce and custody papers? This would be the more peacable approach, but would mean that I'd still have to give in to week-end and weeknight visits, to show my goodfaith (as per my lawyer's advice).

b) Go sign the proceedings on Friday, have him served that day or Monday, and wait for the piano to drop on my head. My lawyer warned me that at this point, it'll be all out war with my XAH. If I know him, he'll go nuts and will be calling/emailing/texting or might even show up at my work to ream me out for taking his child away from him. A court date can be set as early as 10 days from when he is served, at which point we go before the judge.

The mediation session must still take place, but if he doesn't show or plainly declares he's not participating, I'll get a dispensation.

Additionally, if he doesn't show in court, I will be awarded sole custody by default and he won't be given ANY access. If he shows and contests, then we negociate for what kind of access he gets (my lawyer believes that it's 95% certain that I'll be given interim custody until Alia is at least 24 months).

I'm still very unsure as to what to do. I naturally want to avoid any conflict but I'm thinking that it might be inevitable and perhaps even wiser to proceed with the custody stuff right away, to prevent stress in the long run.

Ideas anyone?
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Old 11-12-2009, 09:46 AM
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I had to make a few judgement calls based on my gut feelings and how well I knew M and could predict her reactions. It came down to me managing my Lawyer to my tactics based on experience with M. But I had a bit bull on crack for a Lawyer. Your Lawyer wanting to show good faith is interesting, seeing how you are asking for full custody. I would think allowing him all this visitation in the interim would confuse a judge?

Do you think your H's reaction so far has been for show or is he really concerned about being pushed aside from his daughters life? I would guess that if it's for show he's all bark and no bite. You know him well enough to make that call.

I was not looking forward to having M served for fear of the backlash. It turned out to be no big deal. I think she was expecting it anyway.
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Old 11-12-2009, 10:12 AM
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if there was no alcohol involved, i would go with the goodfaith option.

however, there is alcohol involved and you are concerned about alia's safety.

if it was me, i'd go ahead and have him served. i agree with jazzman that it would be confusing to extend goodfaith and then go to court with a list of very valid concerns.

go ahead, let the piano drop. it's going to drop anyway and delaying it is only going to increase your anxiety.
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Old 11-12-2009, 10:21 AM
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How can I trust this man after everything he's put me through?
You can't. So don't bother trying. Find another way.

Why does he put me through this rollercoaster?
Because he's sick. Get OFF the rollercoaster. He's using that baby as a tool to manipulate you. He didn't just all of a sudden become Super Dad.
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Old 11-12-2009, 11:13 AM
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Maybe the best way to get clarity in this situation is to put aside everything else and ask yourself "What's best for the baby?"

L
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Old 11-12-2009, 11:27 AM
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Part of me says: to have regular contact with both mommy and daddy, to develop a relationship with both of them.

The other part of me says: to have a steady, calm life with mommy because daddy isn't always able to provide stability.

I can't figure this equation out.

To make matters more complex, I found out today that my stepson is failing French, is (according to his teacher) emotionall distraught and isolated, and has asked to return to Toronto.

ARG!
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Old 11-12-2009, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Part of me says: to have regular contact with both mommy and daddy, to develop a relationship with both of them.
Of course that's best, under "normal" conditions. Is it best, or even possible under the conditions you are dealing with? Only you can decide.

L
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Old 11-12-2009, 11:53 AM
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Hmm LaTeeDa, I think you've put your finger on it: things may "appear" normal when I talk to XAH, or when I see him briefly for a visit--which has confused me a great deal in the past few days, but inherently, he is unstable and untrustworthy. If I granted him the opportunity to be a regular part of my daughter's life (at this time at least), I'd always be waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. I'd wonder if when I picked her up she'd eaten properly, if she'd been changed or bathed, or what profanities and yelling she'd heard/been subjected to, or worse *who* she'd been left with while he "went out with friends".

Damn. I hate being the bad guy. I'm going to have to suck it up and be the initiator in a BIG way and I'm scared of doing it.

Perhaps he can "work towards" shared custody if he proves himself...how he'd do that, I don't know.

In addition, I know that his monstruously large ego and overinflated sense of self will fight with everything it's worth to dodge the label of "inadequate and untrustworthy father", so it might be a while before he even talks to me civilly.

yay for war.
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Old 11-12-2009, 12:05 PM
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I agree she can develop a relation with her dad, but it can be done when she is old enough to recognize threat and call 911 or have a mobile phone with her... not when she is so vulnerable.

I agree with Jazzman 100%, goodwill? you are leaving your daughter with a drunk that wants to hurt you and does not even feed or bathe her daughter. With a beer in his hand. Have you recorded this in your log?

Going directly for the divorce would be best in my very humble opinion (of course I'm no lawyer or anything..).

What matters is that the child is alive and well and sadly, with his dad we can't guarantee that. That is #1 Priority.

Who cares what he thinks or what he does. If he looks for you at your job you can notify your manager or security since now, as to not to let anyone in. If you are afraid he will harrass you... you can ask for family or friends to be with you at all times... or protect yourself in some legal way (restraining order?).

As a therapist used to tell me "your 'enemy' has a big fault - he is predictable" so, you move in advance just in case.... will he send 3403535235 emails? you do not have to read a single one of them.. have someone trusted to read through and tell you just relevant facts...

I am just a bypasser, I hope the best for you and your kid!!

This statement:

He said he planned on just giving her Cheerios and apple sauce the whole night. Hmm. He also didn't want to give her a bath. Double hmm.

And this one:

And yet, he's being so nice and so reasonable. He's playing this Perfect Dad role

..contradict each other.

Also,

I hate being the Bad Guy

You have it backwards dear. You are not threatening anyone's life. You are not ignoring a child's needs. You are not out hurting someone in purpose. You are not disengaging from your adult responsabilities.

You are the Sane Guy and we all support you. This man's opinion can be threatening but facts say the real story. Perhaps that is why he is so afraid. Because the truth is out, already shining for everybody else to see. And he is not the mini God as he likes to believe.

Good luck ((hugs))
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Old 11-12-2009, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Damn. I hate being the bad guy. .
He is counting on this.

By the way, I like your new name and avitar as well!
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Old 11-12-2009, 02:40 PM
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You are not the bad guy.

Being a parent means making tough decisions in the best interest of your child. These decisions may be the lesser of two evils - growing up in a single parent home with a loving, caring mother vs. growing up in a 2 parent household with an emotionally distracted mother and an alcoholic father in your face.

How can you watch a 16 month old baby and keep her away from danger when there is a beer growing out of your hand?

How is a toddler going to get all the nutrition she needs for brain health and body health if all she eats is apple sauce and cheerios?

Seriously. How?
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