A question about going to Al-anon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 4
A question about going to Al-anon
Hello Everyone,
I'm new to the boards and have done a lot of reading over the last couple of days. My story is pretty much the same as the majority of people with an alcoholic husband. In the last year I discovered that I was a co-dependent and I always knew that I was an enabler.
About 8 months ago I decided that I would like to attend Al-anon. My husband reacted as if this was an attack on him, the drinking escalated at a much quicker rate than normal. He had a new excuse to drink, and to emotionally attack me.
I didn't go at that time, but the door opened for me about 6 weeks ago. The entire kitchen ended up in a pile. Drywall, counter, sink, pipes, broken glass and dishes where everywhere. Although he is never physically abusive, he is getting closer and closer to becoming so. In his eyes it's now ok to slap and threaten. On "hangover day" I listened to the "I need to quit drinking, I'm out of control" speech that I have heard on many a hangover day. Of course I always believe this on the surface, deep down I know better, I want it to happen so I believe it will. The sobriety lasted the standard 2 weeks, only to receive the other speech, that begins with "no one will control me". That was my chance to start attending Al-anon.
I was able to go for 2 whole meetings before my husband started to become resistant again. I think he's afraid that the meeting is there to tell me to give him the ultimatium and he's scared. He also has to face the fact that I am needing some sort of help to deal with his drinking.
Where I am in my own way of changing my life is that, I'm trying to stop the drink counting, the alcohol checks, the cringe of the sound of a beer can opening, and sadness and dread that occurs when a certain number of drinks have been reached. When I can do that, I think I can start step one.
Anyway, before I start rambling too much, here is my question:
Is it common to have such resistance by an alcoholic for MY wanting to go to a once a week-one hour meeting? Is there usually, what I call reprecusions (emotional abuse) for MY desire to seek help?
I'm new to the boards and have done a lot of reading over the last couple of days. My story is pretty much the same as the majority of people with an alcoholic husband. In the last year I discovered that I was a co-dependent and I always knew that I was an enabler.
About 8 months ago I decided that I would like to attend Al-anon. My husband reacted as if this was an attack on him, the drinking escalated at a much quicker rate than normal. He had a new excuse to drink, and to emotionally attack me.
I didn't go at that time, but the door opened for me about 6 weeks ago. The entire kitchen ended up in a pile. Drywall, counter, sink, pipes, broken glass and dishes where everywhere. Although he is never physically abusive, he is getting closer and closer to becoming so. In his eyes it's now ok to slap and threaten. On "hangover day" I listened to the "I need to quit drinking, I'm out of control" speech that I have heard on many a hangover day. Of course I always believe this on the surface, deep down I know better, I want it to happen so I believe it will. The sobriety lasted the standard 2 weeks, only to receive the other speech, that begins with "no one will control me". That was my chance to start attending Al-anon.
I was able to go for 2 whole meetings before my husband started to become resistant again. I think he's afraid that the meeting is there to tell me to give him the ultimatium and he's scared. He also has to face the fact that I am needing some sort of help to deal with his drinking.
Where I am in my own way of changing my life is that, I'm trying to stop the drink counting, the alcohol checks, the cringe of the sound of a beer can opening, and sadness and dread that occurs when a certain number of drinks have been reached. When I can do that, I think I can start step one.
Anyway, before I start rambling too much, here is my question:
Is it common to have such resistance by an alcoholic for MY wanting to go to a once a week-one hour meeting? Is there usually, what I call reprecusions (emotional abuse) for MY desire to seek help?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Welcome shy, good for you for making it to your first al anon meetings. It's a great start, and so is coming here.
Every alcoholic is different, but I would venture to say a lot of them get angry that their spouses are going to meetings.. they see it as a reflection on them. If they are in denial they see no reason for us to go, as they don't think there is a problem. Please hang in there and continue to go, it's too much to deal with on our own.
I too cringe at the beer cans opening. It's awful.
My husband also had 2 weeks of wonderful behavior before going back to the "I will not stoop the level of letting you investigate and control me."
It's true, we cannot and should not control them, it is not our right. Nor should we be controlled ourselves, as we all have free will. And his behavior is damaging and hurtful to you, so what will you do about it? What can you do for yourself now?
Did your husband destroy the kitchen? Is he slapping you? If so, this is physical abuse, and I'm sure others on this board will be more equipped to point you in the right direction to get help.
Please take care of yourself. He is probably concerned that now that you are getting outside help you will leave him, and he may indeed get volatile. If he is destructive and already slapping, I would be very afraid and want to get out of there ASAP.
Others?
Every alcoholic is different, but I would venture to say a lot of them get angry that their spouses are going to meetings.. they see it as a reflection on them. If they are in denial they see no reason for us to go, as they don't think there is a problem. Please hang in there and continue to go, it's too much to deal with on our own.
I too cringe at the beer cans opening. It's awful.
My husband also had 2 weeks of wonderful behavior before going back to the "I will not stoop the level of letting you investigate and control me."
It's true, we cannot and should not control them, it is not our right. Nor should we be controlled ourselves, as we all have free will. And his behavior is damaging and hurtful to you, so what will you do about it? What can you do for yourself now?
Did your husband destroy the kitchen? Is he slapping you? If so, this is physical abuse, and I'm sure others on this board will be more equipped to point you in the right direction to get help.
Please take care of yourself. He is probably concerned that now that you are getting outside help you will leave him, and he may indeed get volatile. If he is destructive and already slapping, I would be very afraid and want to get out of there ASAP.
Others?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Welcome to SR.
It is common to get resistance from the A around anything that he/she perceives as a possible threat, however indirect, to his ability to use. And, since active A's connection to consenual reality is tenuous at best, they are easily capable of perceiving anything as such a threat. Also, since alcoholics much more often than not suffer from a selfishness that borders on solipsism, they tend to have the habit of seeing anything and everything as being about themselves to begin with.
And, BTW, slapping is physical abuse.
freya
It is common to get resistance from the A around anything that he/she perceives as a possible threat, however indirect, to his ability to use. And, since active A's connection to consenual reality is tenuous at best, they are easily capable of perceiving anything as such a threat. Also, since alcoholics much more often than not suffer from a selfishness that borders on solipsism, they tend to have the habit of seeing anything and everything as being about themselves to begin with.
And, BTW, slapping is physical abuse.
freya
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 4
Yes, you are both right about the slapping being physical abuse, and yes, he trashed the kitchen. I worded it poorly as I see slapping more as emotional abuse. It's very degrading, being slapped; another way of saying you are lesser than I.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Shy, hitting you is abuse. Slapping is a horribly abusive way to treat someone, and if he has crossed the line to physically hurting you, if he is continuing to abuse alcohol, chances are the abuse will escalate. I think you should make some plans for an escape route should it come to that. Liveweyrd linked some great stuff this week, please check it out. I'll grab links and come back here with them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
shy,
Please - take some time and read the excellent threads on domestic violence that have been started in the past few days. You are being physically abused already, and you are living in fear. Please investigate your local resources, even if you can't bring yourself to utilize them at this point.
A man who slaps you, verbally abuses you, and destroys rooms and other property is not stable, and you could be in far more danger than you think.
Also: You do not need to
...BEFORE you start step one. Step one -- and ALL the steps -- are designed to help you to do this. You've got this one a little backward.
Please find more support for yourself, for your own safety. There are a lot of people here who have gone through exactly what you're experiencing, and they will share what has worked for them.
Hugs,
GL
Please - take some time and read the excellent threads on domestic violence that have been started in the past few days. You are being physically abused already, and you are living in fear. Please investigate your local resources, even if you can't bring yourself to utilize them at this point.
A man who slaps you, verbally abuses you, and destroys rooms and other property is not stable, and you could be in far more danger than you think.
Also: You do not need to
stop the drink counting, the alcohol checks, the cringe of the sound of a beer can opening, and sadness and dread that occurs when a certain number of drinks have been reached
Please find more support for yourself, for your own safety. There are a lot of people here who have gone through exactly what you're experiencing, and they will share what has worked for them.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...usive-men.html
PLEASE read and heed. I care about your safety.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...usive-men.html
PLEASE read and heed. I care about your safety.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Yes oh very yes it is common to experience this resistance. They are so very threatened by the change. As you get better, they will get worse for a time. Don't stop going. Grit your teeth and work through the pain, IT WILL GET BETTER.
As co-dependents, we don't realize that we are participating in a game. When we learn not to play, they get very threatened. As you work through the program, you will get where you don't give a damn what they do. It is a great feeling.
He may even get a little better as a result of your recovery; however, don't do alanon for this reason. Do it for yourself, otherwise it is counterproductive. The key to the program is that you get better regardless of what the spouse does.
Trust me, it works!
As co-dependents, we don't realize that we are participating in a game. When we learn not to play, they get very threatened. As you work through the program, you will get where you don't give a damn what they do. It is a great feeling.
He may even get a little better as a result of your recovery; however, don't do alanon for this reason. Do it for yourself, otherwise it is counterproductive. The key to the program is that you get better regardless of what the spouse does.
Trust me, it works!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
[QUOTE=shyandtrying;2428874]
Where I am in my own way of changing my life is that, I'm trying to stop the drink counting, the alcohol checks, the cringe of the sound of a beer can opening, and sadness and dread that occurs when a certain number of drinks have been reached. When I can do that, I think I can start step one.
STEP 1.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
Are you saying that you still beleive you can control or stop his drinking?
Where I am in my own way of changing my life is that, I'm trying to stop the drink counting, the alcohol checks, the cringe of the sound of a beer can opening, and sadness and dread that occurs when a certain number of drinks have been reached. When I can do that, I think I can start step one.
STEP 1.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
Are you saying that you still beleive you can control or stop his drinking?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I was abused physically and mentally for five long years by my EXAH.
Through a series of circumstances that I attribute to a loving God, I ended up in rehab 2 hours away from where we were living. We were both active alcoholics/addicts during our marriage.
Once it finally hit him that I was getting help for myself, he started making threatening phone calls to rehab. He told me he would kill me if I didn't come back home.
He ended up showing up at the rehab unannounced one day to drag me out of there, and the director called the police. He took off before the police got there.
I never went back home.
Please take the time to read the stickies on domestic abuse. Too many battered women become statistics, and I don't want to see you become another one. :ghug2
Through a series of circumstances that I attribute to a loving God, I ended up in rehab 2 hours away from where we were living. We were both active alcoholics/addicts during our marriage.
Once it finally hit him that I was getting help for myself, he started making threatening phone calls to rehab. He told me he would kill me if I didn't come back home.
He ended up showing up at the rehab unannounced one day to drag me out of there, and the director called the police. He took off before the police got there.
I never went back home.
Please take the time to read the stickies on domestic abuse. Too many battered women become statistics, and I don't want to see you become another one. :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am attaching the domestic violence hotline number.
This issue needs to be addressed at the same time or before the al-anon.
The statistics and indicators are that you will very soon be in the hospital, if you can get an ambulance to get to you to get help, or you stand a very high risk of being killed.
You are in serious and grave danger. And you will not know when it is going to blow out of all control. Just as you weren't able to save your kitchen, you may not be able to save yourself.
Please save a life, your own, and call this number. After you do, call another familiar number so that he cannot hit redial or star *** whatever and find out who you have phoned.
He is out of control and dangerous. And it ALWAYS gets worse. ALWAYS.
I had no clue ahead of time that my XAABF was going to blow far and beyond what he had previously physically, and I was very nearly killed.
It is very confusing to be in the situation. I know. It has taken me years to figure out and process what happened and it is still confusing to me on an emotional level. You are not alone in this and there is help you can trust.
You might want to erase your traces of being here on the computer. Anything that could jeapordize your safety.
SAFETY FIRST.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
This issue needs to be addressed at the same time or before the al-anon.
The statistics and indicators are that you will very soon be in the hospital, if you can get an ambulance to get to you to get help, or you stand a very high risk of being killed.
You are in serious and grave danger. And you will not know when it is going to blow out of all control. Just as you weren't able to save your kitchen, you may not be able to save yourself.
Please save a life, your own, and call this number. After you do, call another familiar number so that he cannot hit redial or star *** whatever and find out who you have phoned.
He is out of control and dangerous. And it ALWAYS gets worse. ALWAYS.
I had no clue ahead of time that my XAABF was going to blow far and beyond what he had previously physically, and I was very nearly killed.
It is very confusing to be in the situation. I know. It has taken me years to figure out and process what happened and it is still confusing to me on an emotional level. You are not alone in this and there is help you can trust.
You might want to erase your traces of being here on the computer. Anything that could jeapordize your safety.
SAFETY FIRST.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by shyandtrying 
Yes, you are both right about the slapping being physical abuse, and yes, he trashed the kitchen. I worded it poorly as I see slapping more as emotional abuse. It's very degrading, being slapped; another way of saying you are lesser than I.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: rialto ca
Posts: 2
standing my ground
I have not attended an al anon meeting ever.I am going to find one in the area I live in and go.I am anxious because I do not know what to expect but I need to do this for myself.I can completely relate to the cringe of hearing a can of beer opening and finding various items broken in the house because my husbands alcoholism is out of control.I hate living like this I have to always be careful what I say when he is drunk because he is so unpredictable in his behavior.He is like the devil when he gets drunk.
:c
:c Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by redflaggers
I have not attended an al anon meeting ever.I am going to find one in the area I live in and go.I am anxious because I do not know what to expect but I need to do this for myself.I can completely relate to the cringe of hearing a can of beer opening and finding various items broken in the house because my husbands alcoholism is out of control.I hate living like this I have to always be careful what I say when he is drunk because he is so unpredictable in his behavior.He is like the devil when he gets drunk.:c
:cWalking on egg shells all the time is misery. They play with our heads and make us think that it is our fault. They have controlled our lives for so long that when we start to get better and break the chains they freak out. You deserve better. We all deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Resistance to change, to losing the comfortable pew, whatever form it takes are all reactions of fear on the part of the alcoholic. When I first started to attend Al-Anon, I got a lot of the same reaction from my ABF - telling me that I don't need Al-Anon, Al-Anon was for losers (this coming from an ACOA), that Al-Anon would force me to make choices, the biggest choice (according to him) was for me to leave him.
Whenever he feels bad, has a bad day, when he was drinking, when he was a dry drunk, he debased be and my going to Al-Anon. It never stopped me from going because as I pointed out to him time and time again, I'm not going there for YOU, this is for ME. That usually stopped him dead in his tracks when he realized that AL-Anon wasn't a "bitch session" of how drunk he got, what he did this time and all of the quacking that I endured when I went to one of my three weekly meetings.
What Al-Anon did for me was to show me that I had choices, that accepting powerlessness over alcohol empowered me, that I didn't have to accept unacceptable behaviour, that detachment with love was a tool that stopped me from playing the alcoholic's games, in short, it gave me courage to make hard and necessary decisions after listening to the sharing of other Al-Anon members, some who had gone through what I went through. I learned to walk away from the alcoholic when he was drinking, not to react to him, to let things be.
I listened to others tell of what it was like growing up in an alcoholic home, how that affected their lives - I saw ABF in so many of those stories. It gave me empathy and compassion for the disease of alcoholism and when it came time for me to do what I had to do - when verbal abuse was a hairs breadth away from becoming physical violence, I knew I had the choice to said enough. It was hard, it took a lot to get me to that point but without the tools of Al-Anon, the readings, the slogans,the support of others in my group, I know things would have turned out a lot differently.
As it stands, my ABF is over 60 days sober is in AA, but is still struggling. I see that on a daily basis but again, without the support of Al-Anon, this would have been a lot different for me as my expectations would have been a lot different. I've learned to take life one day at a time, to accept that the only person I can change is me.
BTW, I still cringe when I hear a pop can being opened (too close to the sound of a beer can) and the smell of beer makes me nauseous. Some days, I shut my eyes and flash back to ABF threatening me and my dog, coming closer and closer to me, threatening to hit me and know that if I had not called 9-1-1, it would have escalated.
Don't be afraid to do what you have to do if you feel threatened in any way, shape or form-from the sound of your first post, things have already escalated. Please take care of yourself shyandtrying....
Whenever he feels bad, has a bad day, when he was drinking, when he was a dry drunk, he debased be and my going to Al-Anon. It never stopped me from going because as I pointed out to him time and time again, I'm not going there for YOU, this is for ME. That usually stopped him dead in his tracks when he realized that AL-Anon wasn't a "bitch session" of how drunk he got, what he did this time and all of the quacking that I endured when I went to one of my three weekly meetings.
What Al-Anon did for me was to show me that I had choices, that accepting powerlessness over alcohol empowered me, that I didn't have to accept unacceptable behaviour, that detachment with love was a tool that stopped me from playing the alcoholic's games, in short, it gave me courage to make hard and necessary decisions after listening to the sharing of other Al-Anon members, some who had gone through what I went through. I learned to walk away from the alcoholic when he was drinking, not to react to him, to let things be.
I listened to others tell of what it was like growing up in an alcoholic home, how that affected their lives - I saw ABF in so many of those stories. It gave me empathy and compassion for the disease of alcoholism and when it came time for me to do what I had to do - when verbal abuse was a hairs breadth away from becoming physical violence, I knew I had the choice to said enough. It was hard, it took a lot to get me to that point but without the tools of Al-Anon, the readings, the slogans,the support of others in my group, I know things would have turned out a lot differently.
As it stands, my ABF is over 60 days sober is in AA, but is still struggling. I see that on a daily basis but again, without the support of Al-Anon, this would have been a lot different for me as my expectations would have been a lot different. I've learned to take life one day at a time, to accept that the only person I can change is me.
BTW, I still cringe when I hear a pop can being opened (too close to the sound of a beer can) and the smell of beer makes me nauseous. Some days, I shut my eyes and flash back to ABF threatening me and my dog, coming closer and closer to me, threatening to hit me and know that if I had not called 9-1-1, it would have escalated.
Don't be afraid to do what you have to do if you feel threatened in any way, shape or form-from the sound of your first post, things have already escalated. Please take care of yourself shyandtrying....
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
In my experience. My AH always questioned why I was going to meetings. I simply told him it was something I needed to do for me.
He would down grade the meetings and make snide comments about them. "Oh is that what your friends at Al-anon told you to do", "You know not everybody believes what they say at those meeting" Quack quack quack...... I held firm that I was going to my meeting and I didn't budge. It has done wonders for me
We are now seperated and he will still try and see if I am available on a Saturday morning. You know so he can "see the kids". I keep standing firm and put my serenity first and say this simple sentence. "No, I have a meeting that morning".
About the slapping, I was in a physically abuse relationship before I met AH. And Just as alcoholism is progressive, so is abuse.
He would slap me, it almost didn't seem real some how. I would try denial, "it's just a slap it isn't that bad, right?" But eventually it got worse. I remember one time we were in a fight and my roomate left the aptment. She called me a little later to make sure I was ok and I lied out my teeth. Truth is I was scared beyond belief!
Take care of you. There is nothing wrong with that You will find a lot of experience stregnth and HOpe at Alanon.
He would down grade the meetings and make snide comments about them. "Oh is that what your friends at Al-anon told you to do", "You know not everybody believes what they say at those meeting" Quack quack quack...... I held firm that I was going to my meeting and I didn't budge. It has done wonders for me
We are now seperated and he will still try and see if I am available on a Saturday morning. You know so he can "see the kids". I keep standing firm and put my serenity first and say this simple sentence. "No, I have a meeting that morning".
About the slapping, I was in a physically abuse relationship before I met AH. And Just as alcoholism is progressive, so is abuse.
He would slap me, it almost didn't seem real some how. I would try denial, "it's just a slap it isn't that bad, right?" But eventually it got worse. I remember one time we were in a fight and my roomate left the aptment. She called me a little later to make sure I was ok and I lied out my teeth. Truth is I was scared beyond belief!
Take care of you. There is nothing wrong with that
You will find a lot of experience stregnth and HOpe at Alanon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 4
Thanks so much for all the advice.
I know I can't control the alcohol, but that is an easy admission when I don't feel I have control over anything. I don't think it's fair to myself to consider step one worked when that is my inner reaction to it when I read it.
About the abuse part, I have a little money saved for a motel if things get out of control. I can also goto my step-son's or my sister-in-law's. I wouldn't want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire so to speak I don't have any of my own family here. Logically I do know that it'll only get worse with him seeking help
Also, I do erase all traces of coming here, I opened a second email account for registration, I only read al-anon literature and surf the internet when I'm home alone. I figured that one out when he started coming home and checking the history and contact list of my cell-phone.
I know I can't control the alcohol, but that is an easy admission when I don't feel I have control over anything. I don't think it's fair to myself to consider step one worked when that is my inner reaction to it when I read it.
About the abuse part, I have a little money saved for a motel if things get out of control. I can also goto my step-son's or my sister-in-law's. I wouldn't want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire so to speak I don't have any of my own family here. Logically I do know that it'll only get worse with him seeking help
Also, I do erase all traces of coming here, I opened a second email account for registration, I only read al-anon literature and surf the internet when I'm home alone. I figured that one out when he started coming home and checking the history and contact list of my cell-phone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 4
oops, that out of the frying pan thing was left overs of something I deleted. I was going to add that his brothers would help, but they are also alcoholics so I wouldn't want to jump out of the frying pan...
I get wordy sometimes, and deleted that part.. sorry if it's confusing
I get wordy sometimes, and deleted that part.. sorry if it's confusing
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
If you should need it, there are shelters and they can help you re-locate or do whatever it is you wish to do to stay safe, protect the quality of your life, and be well. They have many resources.
I was in one for 2 months. I have a good friend who just left her home this week and is staying in one, she says she feels stronger than ever and free.
Of course, he doesn't like it. But what is going to make them happy? Nothing, in my experience.!
I was in one for 2 months. I have a good friend who just left her home this week and is staying in one, she says she feels stronger than ever and free.
Of course, he doesn't like it. But what is going to make them happy? Nothing, in my experience.!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
