Why is this so hard
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Why is this so hard
I'm sorry. I'm posting and haven't even read the other posts and I know others have bigger fish to fry.
Why is this so hard? Why won't this man leave? Why do I always question myself? Why can't I get any peace? Why did I agree to let his lawyer do this divorce? Why oh why did I ever stop going the first time I filed?
This man will not leave this house. It is so hellish living here and he yacks and yacks and yammers until I am feeling like a terrible person, making wrong decisions, an inadequate mother and human being. He complains that he doesn't feel welcome. He isn't. GO, we are getting divorced! He wants sexual attention all the time. wtf? NO. STOP IT. NO. He wants hugs and comfort? From me? We are DIVORCING! I have to concentrate so hard to look at the facts and know in my heart that this divorce is right and I am NOT being a witch just because I don't want him living here until this house sells. That could take months and months and months!. I don't sit around and have long heart felt talks with him but I don't yell or bicker or so much as roll my eyes at him. He ignores the kids and then is mad when they don't make him feel welcome. I have no idea what it is he thinks I (and especially them - they are children) am supposed to do. He writes me letters and follows me around and won't quit talking. He wants to go to counseling and then he tells me how thoughtless, wrong, mean I am. He blames me for everything and he tells the kids stuff that is hurting them. He will not accept this. He mopes and drinks and is driving me crazy. It will take a court order to get that man out of this house and I do not want drama for the kids' sake. I am giving in to him on everything! I am paying him huge amounts of money, splitting all the profit of everything, I just want away from this marriage. It is killing me from the inside out. He doesn't do anything anymore. He doesn't work.
Please, someone, give me the strength to keep going until this house sells. Please let this house sell fast. PLEASE. I can not live like this much longer. I don't sleep, I always feel sick. I do not know how to detach. I can't figure out how to let it go.
The ironic thing is. I'll bet a million dollars that once we are actually apart - there will be very little contact with the kids, no regular visitation etc. I"m sure of that.
Why is this so hard? Why won't this man leave? Why do I always question myself? Why can't I get any peace? Why did I agree to let his lawyer do this divorce? Why oh why did I ever stop going the first time I filed?
This man will not leave this house. It is so hellish living here and he yacks and yacks and yammers until I am feeling like a terrible person, making wrong decisions, an inadequate mother and human being. He complains that he doesn't feel welcome. He isn't. GO, we are getting divorced! He wants sexual attention all the time. wtf? NO. STOP IT. NO. He wants hugs and comfort? From me? We are DIVORCING! I have to concentrate so hard to look at the facts and know in my heart that this divorce is right and I am NOT being a witch just because I don't want him living here until this house sells. That could take months and months and months!. I don't sit around and have long heart felt talks with him but I don't yell or bicker or so much as roll my eyes at him. He ignores the kids and then is mad when they don't make him feel welcome. I have no idea what it is he thinks I (and especially them - they are children) am supposed to do. He writes me letters and follows me around and won't quit talking. He wants to go to counseling and then he tells me how thoughtless, wrong, mean I am. He blames me for everything and he tells the kids stuff that is hurting them. He will not accept this. He mopes and drinks and is driving me crazy. It will take a court order to get that man out of this house and I do not want drama for the kids' sake. I am giving in to him on everything! I am paying him huge amounts of money, splitting all the profit of everything, I just want away from this marriage. It is killing me from the inside out. He doesn't do anything anymore. He doesn't work.
Please, someone, give me the strength to keep going until this house sells. Please let this house sell fast. PLEASE. I can not live like this much longer. I don't sleep, I always feel sick. I do not know how to detach. I can't figure out how to let it go.
The ironic thing is. I'll bet a million dollars that once we are actually apart - there will be very little contact with the kids, no regular visitation etc. I"m sure of that.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
You say it will take a court order yo get him out,but don't want to cause drama for the kids. What kind if drama do you think it is causing them to have him there? Court order: 1 day to get. Service of order: a few minutes. Him out of your house and peace for you and your kinds: priceless.
Obviously your choice, but I would do what I could to get him out. Hugs : )
Obviously your choice, but I would do what I could to get him out. Hugs : )
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Racine, WI
Posts: 33
Hang in there! One thing I do know is it is hard but you are strong enough to get through it. If a court order gives you sanity then do it. Weigh the options, every day your emotions are fed to the kids and he drives you nuts and they can see it and feel it or just one court order for a few minutes of chaos for the kids getting there mom back. No matter how you feel or do we here will support you. I know how emotionally and physically draining this is and how the mind and heart go to battles. You CAN do this!!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
You know you are right. I do have a choice. I'm not stuck or trapped. I can make a different choice. I can choose something different. I can. I really can get him out of here if I want to badly enough. I mean, if all else failed I could leave I'd just be financially ruined.
I can't make him do anything, or stop him from doing anything, but I can decide what I do. (This is what is pissing him off the most by the way.) I always get to decide what *I* will do. Thank you. You turned it around for me. Why do I get so stuck with that? I get mired down in feeling like I have no control or no choice but really - I'm just thinking about the wrong thing or making the wrong thing important. Anyway - thank you again.
I can't make him do anything, or stop him from doing anything, but I can decide what I do. (This is what is pissing him off the most by the way.) I always get to decide what *I* will do. Thank you. You turned it around for me. Why do I get so stuck with that? I get mired down in feeling like I have no control or no choice but really - I'm just thinking about the wrong thing or making the wrong thing important. Anyway - thank you again.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
My friend just left her alcoholic/addicted husband. He refused to leave the very reasonably priced Brooklyn apartment, so she left. She is staying with me, then transfering with her job to where her family is to financially get back on her feet after he helped put her in a lot of debt. Not easy, but she is much happier and at peace. You always have choices : )
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I do not want drama for the kids' sake.
I have to agree with NYC - the kids are getting a daily dose of drama right now. Why wait?
The drama of Mom finally making a stand and saying "Enough - no longer will we live like this!" is the kind of drama I could have used in my childhood! Instead I got the drama that everyone on this board knows all too well - the hellish, unpredictable, sad, enraging, drama of the alcoholic parent and the codependent parent playing their endless games. Yuk.
When I'm stuck or feel overwhelmed I try to do just the next right thing. Eventually those right things snowball into big changes.
Peace-
B
I have to agree with NYC - the kids are getting a daily dose of drama right now. Why wait?
The drama of Mom finally making a stand and saying "Enough - no longer will we live like this!" is the kind of drama I could have used in my childhood! Instead I got the drama that everyone on this board knows all too well - the hellish, unpredictable, sad, enraging, drama of the alcoholic parent and the codependent parent playing their endless games. Yuk.
When I'm stuck or feel overwhelmed I try to do just the next right thing. Eventually those right things snowball into big changes.
Peace-
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Ugh - yesterday was not good.
1) You are all right. The kids need this to end. I had a good talk with each of them. They do not think living separate is best. It makes them sad and scared but I do think they trust me. Those were hard conversations.
2) I think ah is actually going to leave. This weekend. An apartment he applied for opened up. Miraculously. I suspect it has been open for awhile but no way of knowing of course.
3) Doesn't matter so much - I found a new place to live! Happened super fast and I chose to jump on it but there wasn't much time to think it through. Hope it isn't a huge mistake but I'm feeling good about it so I'm not dwelling on the fear factor, lol. This relieves a lot of my personal anxiety. It is 30 miles away so new schools and more trauma for the kids but better then being flipp'n homeless when my house sells!! I also hope the dinkus attorney gets moving on the divorce papers.
1) You are all right. The kids need this to end. I had a good talk with each of them. They do not think living separate is best. It makes them sad and scared but I do think they trust me. Those were hard conversations.
2) I think ah is actually going to leave. This weekend. An apartment he applied for opened up. Miraculously. I suspect it has been open for awhile but no way of knowing of course.
3) Doesn't matter so much - I found a new place to live! Happened super fast and I chose to jump on it but there wasn't much time to think it through. Hope it isn't a huge mistake but I'm feeling good about it so I'm not dwelling on the fear factor, lol. This relieves a lot of my personal anxiety. It is 30 miles away so new schools and more trauma for the kids but better then being flipp'n homeless when my house sells!! I also hope the dinkus attorney gets moving on the divorce papers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I do. To avoid the court fight I agreed to sit with AH and we listed all the things we wanted and agreed on. The only way he'd do this is if he took the list to an attorney of his choice to have the papers drawn up and then me and my attorney would review them before signing. He threatened to fight for custody of the kids if I went the 'work it all out in court/attorney' route. It was probably all a bunch of hot air but it freaked me out and I agreed to this. Which will be fine if his attorney ever produces the paperwork, which should be any day now.
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