Newbie - long story, not unique I'm sure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Philadelphia PA
Posts: 12
Newbie - long story, not unique I'm sure
10 years ago next week I met my husband-to-be in a club. I was recently divorced, he was recently returned from a long jaunt out of state.
We knew each other when he was 12, I was 14. This time around I was 33, he was 31 (it was his birthday, actually.)
Because we were both into going out to clubs and "heavy socializing" (partying, etc), I thought nothing of our habits, lifestyle, whatever you want to call it. As my career moved up and on and his kind of floundered (he worked in clubs as a door man and security), I became the household support, and he helped out around the house, worked when he could find it doing landscaping after quitting the club business. We still went out, had fun and came home together.
As I grew professionally and personally, I had little time for going out and the resulting hangovers. I was bored with the club scene, and the various substances used to enhance that lifestyle. Eventually he stopped using drugs, but the alcohol never went away. Drugs were never a problem for us - no addiction there, just an accessory whose time had passed.
His "club friends" disappeared over the years, since we didn't go out any more, and he didn't understand how the people who were his "friends" weren't really - something I knew all along.
He went in and out of jobs, while I grew bored with my career, and when I opened a business of my own, he planned to work a year more then join me in running it.
That didn't last, he quit his job 4 months before we opened, and kind of worked for a friend. A few months later he joined me in the business full time, where we still are today.
What's my point? Oh, right, sorry.
Throughout the past 10 years, we've had ups and downs like most couples do. We're strong personalities, and stubborn people - part of what we love about each other. But when I look back over the years, I see a common thread - no matter how poor we were, no matter what was happening, it all revolved around alcohol for him. Everything was drink-worthy, every day was a bourbon and coke in his hand.
We stopped going out occasionally because he would drink too much, too fast and become obnoxious, or too tired/drunk to stay out. Same with going out to dinner with friends - his drinking was out of control and expensive - so we just stopped going anywhere because we couldn't afford his drinking habit.
This past summer he spent a month or so mostly sober. His performance at the shop increased, he was becoming a human being again, he was the man I loved, and I was learning to love him again. His mental and physical health improved. He lost weight.
And then it stopped. Drinking only on the weekends went to drinking every day again, and we're back in it all over.
Sunday he struck out at a good friend, personally attacking her online in a public forum with no provocation for an imagined slight from 3 years ago. He destroyed that relationship as he has with others that I wasn't so involved in. He was at home, with no alcohol, "coming down" off a few drinks, and he got angry, taking it out on her, someone who did not deserve that treatment, but is far enough away from us daily that he probably (subconsciously) figured there'd be no repercussions..
He's not a physical abuser, but he gets mean. He has anger issues, but he never lashes out at me - the few times he's tried I put him in his place fast. I don't put up with that.
Alcohol has pretty much ruled our relationship as I look back. I look to see if there's a point a time when it was not a part of our marriage, or if he's depressed and uses to make it feel better, or if it causes the depression. He's a combat marine, so I'm sure there's some undiagnosed PTSD somewhere in there too. All the other cliche contributing social factors are there too.
There's so much to say -- and now after typing all that I'm having a hard time clearing my head to say them. I don't know, I just need to get this stuff off my chest and feel free enough to post without people knowing who I am because of our situation. He's done enough damage to my reputation as it is - having two people in two weeks tell me they feel sorry for me, or pity me because of my husband is too much.
I want to say I love him, I want to say our marriage is sound, but I don't know if that's because I'm too stubborn to admit something else or if it's the truth.
Anyhow, if you've read this, thank you.
We knew each other when he was 12, I was 14. This time around I was 33, he was 31 (it was his birthday, actually.)
Because we were both into going out to clubs and "heavy socializing" (partying, etc), I thought nothing of our habits, lifestyle, whatever you want to call it. As my career moved up and on and his kind of floundered (he worked in clubs as a door man and security), I became the household support, and he helped out around the house, worked when he could find it doing landscaping after quitting the club business. We still went out, had fun and came home together.
As I grew professionally and personally, I had little time for going out and the resulting hangovers. I was bored with the club scene, and the various substances used to enhance that lifestyle. Eventually he stopped using drugs, but the alcohol never went away. Drugs were never a problem for us - no addiction there, just an accessory whose time had passed.
His "club friends" disappeared over the years, since we didn't go out any more, and he didn't understand how the people who were his "friends" weren't really - something I knew all along.
He went in and out of jobs, while I grew bored with my career, and when I opened a business of my own, he planned to work a year more then join me in running it.
That didn't last, he quit his job 4 months before we opened, and kind of worked for a friend. A few months later he joined me in the business full time, where we still are today.
What's my point? Oh, right, sorry.
Throughout the past 10 years, we've had ups and downs like most couples do. We're strong personalities, and stubborn people - part of what we love about each other. But when I look back over the years, I see a common thread - no matter how poor we were, no matter what was happening, it all revolved around alcohol for him. Everything was drink-worthy, every day was a bourbon and coke in his hand.
We stopped going out occasionally because he would drink too much, too fast and become obnoxious, or too tired/drunk to stay out. Same with going out to dinner with friends - his drinking was out of control and expensive - so we just stopped going anywhere because we couldn't afford his drinking habit.
This past summer he spent a month or so mostly sober. His performance at the shop increased, he was becoming a human being again, he was the man I loved, and I was learning to love him again. His mental and physical health improved. He lost weight.
And then it stopped. Drinking only on the weekends went to drinking every day again, and we're back in it all over.
Sunday he struck out at a good friend, personally attacking her online in a public forum with no provocation for an imagined slight from 3 years ago. He destroyed that relationship as he has with others that I wasn't so involved in. He was at home, with no alcohol, "coming down" off a few drinks, and he got angry, taking it out on her, someone who did not deserve that treatment, but is far enough away from us daily that he probably (subconsciously) figured there'd be no repercussions..
He's not a physical abuser, but he gets mean. He has anger issues, but he never lashes out at me - the few times he's tried I put him in his place fast. I don't put up with that.
Alcohol has pretty much ruled our relationship as I look back. I look to see if there's a point a time when it was not a part of our marriage, or if he's depressed and uses to make it feel better, or if it causes the depression. He's a combat marine, so I'm sure there's some undiagnosed PTSD somewhere in there too. All the other cliche contributing social factors are there too.
There's so much to say -- and now after typing all that I'm having a hard time clearing my head to say them. I don't know, I just need to get this stuff off my chest and feel free enough to post without people knowing who I am because of our situation. He's done enough damage to my reputation as it is - having two people in two weeks tell me they feel sorry for me, or pity me because of my husband is too much.
I want to say I love him, I want to say our marriage is sound, but I don't know if that's because I'm too stubborn to admit something else or if it's the truth.
Anyhow, if you've read this, thank you.
Attended By a Single Hound
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
Welcome Philly, great post, really articulate. THanks for posting -totally respect your strength and self resolve. I'm sorry you've been dealing with all y'have.
I'll just say hello for now and that you ain't alone, better yet...sr is a great place. While I might not be th best person to offer advice on your paticular difficulties, I am listening...when I came here I poured it all out. It really helped. Go for it, chuck. Often things are clearer, or become clearer when it ain't all locked up inside, corny as that sounds.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Philly and welcome to the family
You will find support for yourself here. There are sticky posts at the top of this forum that contain some of our stories and the journey we are taking. Please feel free to read and post as much as you need.
My RAXH (recovering alcoholic ex husband) and I were social drinkers or so I thought. As our marriage progressed so did our drinking. I realized my drinking was out of control. I would stop, but without support I would pick back up. I finally achieved sobriety and working to maintain that and recovering from my addictive lifestyle.
I became aware that alcohol was a problem in our relationship, not just a personal problem. Our lifestyle, vacations and down time revolved around making sure alcohol was available. When I tried to point that out to my husband, I was told that he was drinking when I met him and he wasn't going to change just because I had. He was right. He was drinking when I met him. I seldom drank when I met him. But our drinking was not the same as it had been when we met. It had progressed, but we had not progressed as healthy well adjusted, responsible adults.
I learned the hard way through tears and tantrums that I could not make him change into the person I wanted him to be. I had to let him live his life and begin to live my own. The only person I have control over and power to change is myself. This site has been instrumental in my recovery from alcohol addiction and my recovery from being enmeshed in someone elses lifestyle.
welcome to sober recovery
You will find support for yourself here. There are sticky posts at the top of this forum that contain some of our stories and the journey we are taking. Please feel free to read and post as much as you need.
My RAXH (recovering alcoholic ex husband) and I were social drinkers or so I thought. As our marriage progressed so did our drinking. I realized my drinking was out of control. I would stop, but without support I would pick back up. I finally achieved sobriety and working to maintain that and recovering from my addictive lifestyle.
I became aware that alcohol was a problem in our relationship, not just a personal problem. Our lifestyle, vacations and down time revolved around making sure alcohol was available. When I tried to point that out to my husband, I was told that he was drinking when I met him and he wasn't going to change just because I had. He was right. He was drinking when I met him. I seldom drank when I met him. But our drinking was not the same as it had been when we met. It had progressed, but we had not progressed as healthy well adjusted, responsible adults.
I learned the hard way through tears and tantrums that I could not make him change into the person I wanted him to be. I had to let him live his life and begin to live my own. The only person I have control over and power to change is myself. This site has been instrumental in my recovery from alcohol addiction and my recovery from being enmeshed in someone elses lifestyle.
welcome to sober recovery
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi philly and welcome-
when i first arrived here at SR, i was quite worn out. additionally, i didn't have all of the facts. i suspected that drinking was at the root of our problems, but was still in denial as to the extent of my xABFs drinking.
what i discovered was that in no way did i have any true understanding of how much he was drinking. maybe yours is different. but once i recognized my xABF in the many stories here, i started paying more attention.
always one to trust him in the past, i began to do a bit of investigative work. i started popping up unexpected at places. i began to write down every day how much money he spent. things like that.
what i uncovered was that the drinking was much bigger than i had suspected. and so were the lies.
hope that's not the case with you, but it explained a lot of previously unexplained things for me.
when i first arrived here at SR, i was quite worn out. additionally, i didn't have all of the facts. i suspected that drinking was at the root of our problems, but was still in denial as to the extent of my xABFs drinking.
what i discovered was that in no way did i have any true understanding of how much he was drinking. maybe yours is different. but once i recognized my xABF in the many stories here, i started paying more attention.
always one to trust him in the past, i began to do a bit of investigative work. i started popping up unexpected at places. i began to write down every day how much money he spent. things like that.
what i uncovered was that the drinking was much bigger than i had suspected. and so were the lies.
hope that's not the case with you, but it explained a lot of previously unexplained things for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Welcome!!! You will find a lot of support here. Also read the stickies at the top they help a lot : )
This is not your fault and should not be your shame. At the end of the day it matters only how you think and feel. If you decide to stay, your choice. If you leave, also your choice. But, I can tell you leaving and setting myself free was the best decision I have ever made.
Hugs!
This is not your fault and should not be your shame. At the end of the day it matters only how you think and feel. If you decide to stay, your choice. If you leave, also your choice. But, I can tell you leaving and setting myself free was the best decision I have ever made.
Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Philadelphia PA
Posts: 12
Thank you all for the welcomes!
In my mind it's not a matter of staying or leaving (yet, anyhow, I recognize it may come to that), but of coping.
There is a TON of shame involved. In my mind, I can't talk to my friends or family about this! It would mean I made a bad decision, chose poorly, etc etc. I freely admit there's more than a little ego here too... I'm far from delusional about that.
CAN a marriage work if the spouse does sto drinking? What does a marriage like that look like? How do you do it?
I guess I'm getting ahead of myself, but so much has been held back for so long. And I'm so needy because of it.
I'm looking forward to conversations and support - and maybe helping someone else out in a little bit, when I feel that I can.
Thank you all.
In my mind it's not a matter of staying or leaving (yet, anyhow, I recognize it may come to that), but of coping.
There is a TON of shame involved. In my mind, I can't talk to my friends or family about this! It would mean I made a bad decision, chose poorly, etc etc. I freely admit there's more than a little ego here too... I'm far from delusional about that.
CAN a marriage work if the spouse does sto drinking? What does a marriage like that look like? How do you do it?
I guess I'm getting ahead of myself, but so much has been held back for so long. And I'm so needy because of it.
I'm looking forward to conversations and support - and maybe helping someone else out in a little bit, when I feel that I can.
Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Phillypup, I finally opened up to friends and family about what was going on in my marriage and it was a huge step for me.
I recognize a lot of my situation in what you're saying--the social drinking or partying, then the readjusting to the real world and one partner trailing behind, still addicted to the alcohol. Took me a long time to realize it wasn't just someone who likes to drink a lot, it was a problem.
A lot of our lives revolved/revolves around where alcohol will be available. The fun things I like to do often get shot down as ideas and it took a while to realize only ones involving being at the bar with people who liked to throw back some drink was making the 'fun stuff' priority list. Sadly enough I realized I had to choose my honeymoon location based upon a place where alcohol was plentiful and cheap. Had I chosen europe for instance, we would have been so broke from the 'vacationing' mentality that we would just 'enjoy ourselves and worry about it later'. That equates to drinking whenever wherever at whatever time and as much as he wanted. He wasn't drunk all the time, or if he was I couldn't tell. He just consumed an inordinate amount of beer and sometimes liquor.
I have been looking at other old friends of mine on facebook, and their photos and activities. As a group they are out doing fun unique things that don't involve alcohol, and seem to be having a great time doing them. I think to myself, my husband would have shot down any of these activities, or tried to find a way to include alcohol IN the activity, or would have agreed to go unexcitedly and then be antsy to leave shortly after arriving so he could get back to 'relaxing with a beer'.
It's so hard to have to schedule your life around an addiction. The good news is you don't have to. It's hard to adjust to that after doing it for so long.
Best of luck to you , and welcome.
I recognize a lot of my situation in what you're saying--the social drinking or partying, then the readjusting to the real world and one partner trailing behind, still addicted to the alcohol. Took me a long time to realize it wasn't just someone who likes to drink a lot, it was a problem.
A lot of our lives revolved/revolves around where alcohol will be available. The fun things I like to do often get shot down as ideas and it took a while to realize only ones involving being at the bar with people who liked to throw back some drink was making the 'fun stuff' priority list. Sadly enough I realized I had to choose my honeymoon location based upon a place where alcohol was plentiful and cheap. Had I chosen europe for instance, we would have been so broke from the 'vacationing' mentality that we would just 'enjoy ourselves and worry about it later'. That equates to drinking whenever wherever at whatever time and as much as he wanted. He wasn't drunk all the time, or if he was I couldn't tell. He just consumed an inordinate amount of beer and sometimes liquor.
I have been looking at other old friends of mine on facebook, and their photos and activities. As a group they are out doing fun unique things that don't involve alcohol, and seem to be having a great time doing them. I think to myself, my husband would have shot down any of these activities, or tried to find a way to include alcohol IN the activity, or would have agreed to go unexcitedly and then be antsy to leave shortly after arriving so he could get back to 'relaxing with a beer'.
It's so hard to have to schedule your life around an addiction. The good news is you don't have to. It's hard to adjust to that after doing it for so long.
Best of luck to you , and welcome.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Phillypup hi!
Have you ever considered trying AlAnon meetings? They are free and for the family & friends of alcoholics. That's what finally turned my head around and got me past the insanity of my alcoholic family.
The people I know who have stayed with their alcoholic spouses and still have a life are people who went to AlAnon for many years or go to AlAnon regularly. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it is good to learn some tools for focusing on making your life the best it can be. Unfortunately the alcoholic's life is only going to get worse. That's just the reality of active alcoholism.
Also we cannot make them stop drinking. They have to REALLY want that on their own and pursue sobriety and recovery as if their life depended on it. Don't underestimate alcoholism, it is a formidable foe, that has brought many a wonderful person to low places that seemed impossible when they were young and just partying.
You found a great place here! Stick around and keep posting-- you're never alone!
peace-
b
Have you ever considered trying AlAnon meetings? They are free and for the family & friends of alcoholics. That's what finally turned my head around and got me past the insanity of my alcoholic family.
The people I know who have stayed with their alcoholic spouses and still have a life are people who went to AlAnon for many years or go to AlAnon regularly. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it is good to learn some tools for focusing on making your life the best it can be. Unfortunately the alcoholic's life is only going to get worse. That's just the reality of active alcoholism.
Also we cannot make them stop drinking. They have to REALLY want that on their own and pursue sobriety and recovery as if their life depended on it. Don't underestimate alcoholism, it is a formidable foe, that has brought many a wonderful person to low places that seemed impossible when they were young and just partying.
You found a great place here! Stick around and keep posting-- you're never alone!
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Philadelphia PA
Posts: 12
Thank you Bernadette - good advice. Scary, but good. The idea of "coming out" with this is terrifying. I've been looking around and will try to find something in my area (I'm sure there's probably one a night where I live!)
And again, I'm sooo tempted to say "well it isn't THAT bad" but I KNOW it is, I'm just readjusting my thoughts my mental state to adapt and pretend, again, that it's OK.
Note to self - IT IS NOT O.K.
Breathing...
There are so many tings I have done to my life that I don't like to adjust to this - not going out with friends so I can spend time home with my husband, watching him drink, we stopped going up to the mountain house years ago because all he'd do up there is drink, and I was sick of spending outdoors-ey vacation time watching him sit in front of the TV half drunk by noon. Ruined my appreciation of it all.
And still I think, "it's not that bad."
For someone who doesn't put up with s**t from anyone, I'm sure as hell weak now. And that's another thing I've lost - a lot of my resolve and belief in myself. He even told me once (when drunk) that I was to fat to have sex with - after he had topped 290 and I was only 5 pounds heavier than when we met! Why do I do this to myself?
I get more angry with myself than him I think because of it. "How did I let this happen?" I ask myself. "What did I do to allow this to continue?"
Or, conversely, I spend way too much time analyzing him, why he does it, what made it happen, what can I do to help him how can I fix the things he messed up.
For crying out loud I'm in a spin cycle in my head. Sorry. Floodgates and all.
I promise to pass on the help I get here to others who need it. I swear, as soon as I can figure out which end is up.
And again, I'm sooo tempted to say "well it isn't THAT bad" but I KNOW it is, I'm just readjusting my thoughts my mental state to adapt and pretend, again, that it's OK.
Note to self - IT IS NOT O.K.
Breathing...
There are so many tings I have done to my life that I don't like to adjust to this - not going out with friends so I can spend time home with my husband, watching him drink, we stopped going up to the mountain house years ago because all he'd do up there is drink, and I was sick of spending outdoors-ey vacation time watching him sit in front of the TV half drunk by noon. Ruined my appreciation of it all.
And still I think, "it's not that bad."
For someone who doesn't put up with s**t from anyone, I'm sure as hell weak now. And that's another thing I've lost - a lot of my resolve and belief in myself. He even told me once (when drunk) that I was to fat to have sex with - after he had topped 290 and I was only 5 pounds heavier than when we met! Why do I do this to myself?
I get more angry with myself than him I think because of it. "How did I let this happen?" I ask myself. "What did I do to allow this to continue?"
Or, conversely, I spend way too much time analyzing him, why he does it, what made it happen, what can I do to help him how can I fix the things he messed up.
For crying out loud I'm in a spin cycle in my head. Sorry. Floodgates and all.
I promise to pass on the help I get here to others who need it. I swear, as soon as I can figure out which end is up.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Philly I'm so glad you're here - because I can totally relate to how you are feeling, and I want you to know that while your situation is not "normal" your response to it is so familiar to all of us here on SR:
Denial or minimizing.
Shame.
The slow forfeit of your own social life and your own dreams.
Magical thinking.
Beating yourself up.
These are all the same feelings I had before I got into AlAnon and therapy to deal with my alcoholic family. This is the "normal" response of a person to living with a loved one's addiction for so long. But boy, when the scales finally fall from your eyes it can be pretty jarring.
So try to have some compassion for yourself! Your world is upside down.
But the great news is YOU have the power to make it right side up again. Not easy. but worth it!
peace -
B
Denial or minimizing.
Shame.
The slow forfeit of your own social life and your own dreams.
Magical thinking.
Beating yourself up.
These are all the same feelings I had before I got into AlAnon and therapy to deal with my alcoholic family. This is the "normal" response of a person to living with a loved one's addiction for so long. But boy, when the scales finally fall from your eyes it can be pretty jarring.
So try to have some compassion for yourself! Your world is upside down.
But the great news is YOU have the power to make it right side up again. Not easy. but worth it!
peace -
B
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Your story is much like mine. And, like you, as soon as I came out of denial and realized there was a problem, I wanted it fixed. Now!
You do not have to do everything (or even anything) today. In the beginning, just knowing I wasn't alone was comforting. Eventually, I found a counselor who helped me figure out which end is up. Many here have been helped greatly by Alanon.
For now, maybe just explore this forum a bit. The stickie posts at the top have a lot of really good information in them.
Welcome.
L
You do not have to do everything (or even anything) today. In the beginning, just knowing I wasn't alone was comforting. Eventually, I found a counselor who helped me figure out which end is up. Many here have been helped greatly by Alanon.
For now, maybe just explore this forum a bit. The stickie posts at the top have a lot of really good information in them.
Welcome.
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
No one but you can say if you should stay or go, but Al-anon will give you the coping skills for both scenarios. A lot of the Al-anon literature is geared toward people who live with an active alcoholic.
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