Change of attitude towards XAH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Change of attitude towards XAH
After reading through portions of "Codependent No More" at the book store, and after my first supervised visit at XAH's place on Saturday (where I immediately felt the need to clean when I realized that there were dust bunnies on the floor!), I realize that I need to have a plan with regards to my change in attitude towards him. I find it hard to step away from the drama, even if it is only internally, so I thought it would be good to write down what I need to change in myself. We have to be in contact, at least for now, regarding our daughter, and since I'm not naturally a confrontational person, I need something like this in place.
1) Do not give into the temptation to react to everything he says, does, emails or texts RIGHT AWAY. Very few things are emergencies and need to be addressed right away. Take a deep breath and ignore him for a while.
Ignoring him will often result in the lessening of the emotional need to react NOW, or he'll simply lose interest and go away himself.
A response can be formulated later on based on rational thought.
2) Do not volunteer any information when communicating with him. Keep communication to a bare minimum.
3) Do not offer to help him with anything. This will only reinforce known patterns.
4) Do not be fooled by his seemingly "nice" gestures or words; question the motives behind EVERY nice act or kind word because there invariably will be a motive.
5) REMEMBER what you've put yourself through for the last 5 years for this person and remind yourself of what you want for yourself and your daughter now.
Am I forgetting anything?
God, this is horrid. I feel like I'm writing out some sort of "hate manifesto".
1) Do not give into the temptation to react to everything he says, does, emails or texts RIGHT AWAY. Very few things are emergencies and need to be addressed right away. Take a deep breath and ignore him for a while.
Ignoring him will often result in the lessening of the emotional need to react NOW, or he'll simply lose interest and go away himself.
A response can be formulated later on based on rational thought.
2) Do not volunteer any information when communicating with him. Keep communication to a bare minimum.
3) Do not offer to help him with anything. This will only reinforce known patterns.
4) Do not be fooled by his seemingly "nice" gestures or words; question the motives behind EVERY nice act or kind word because there invariably will be a motive.
5) REMEMBER what you've put yourself through for the last 5 years for this person and remind yourself of what you want for yourself and your daughter now.
Am I forgetting anything?
God, this is horrid. I feel like I'm writing out some sort of "hate manifesto".
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow!! Excellent!!
There is not a hateful word in there.
What I feel reading that is: decisiveness, clarity, strength, protection.
There is a world of behavior between "nice" and "mean" y'know. Just plain "rational" is a good way to go!
Well done.
B
There is not a hateful word in there.
What I feel reading that is: decisiveness, clarity, strength, protection.
There is a world of behavior between "nice" and "mean" y'know. Just plain "rational" is a good way to go!
Well done.
B
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I totally agree with Bernadette. Sounds completely rational to me. It's all about actions, not words. When I was in your shoes, I had to constantly remind myself of that. What he said was designed to get to me, but when I looked at it compared to what he did, it was much easier to be rational.
L
L
ok ok, I give. Sent a request for a name change. Request pending. I hope the new nick isn't too cheesy 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
A small victory:
Him: Can you do me a favour this week-end? I was thinking that when I come to your place next week-end to visit DD, you could drive me to Home Depot, wait for me while I buy stuff, and then drive me back home.
Me: That won't be possible.
Him: Can you do me a favour this week-end? I was thinking that when I come to your place next week-end to visit DD, you could drive me to Home Depot, wait for me while I buy stuff, and then drive me back home.
Me: That won't be possible.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Am I forgetting anything?
Otherwise looks like a great plan A!!!! AFLAC DUCK is plan B.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
aww thanks 
I got this one from the musical Rent (yeah I'm a triple threat geek!):
There's Only Us
There's Only This
Forget Regret
Or Life Is Yours To Miss
No Other Road
No Other Way
No Day But Today
WOMEN
I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal
MEN
Will I lose my dignity
Will someone care
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare
WOMEN
Is just to be
Without
You
The hand gropes
The ear hers
The pulse beats
Life goes on
But I'm gone
MEN
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
Cheesy, I know, but so beautiful.
I got this one from the musical Rent (yeah I'm a triple threat geek!):There's Only Us
There's Only This
Forget Regret
Or Life Is Yours To Miss
No Other Road
No Other Way
No Day But Today
WOMEN
I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal
MEN
Will I lose my dignity
Will someone care
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare
WOMEN
Is just to be
Without
You
The hand gropes
The ear hers
The pulse beats
Life goes on
But I'm gone
MEN
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
Cheesy, I know, but so beautiful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
nodaybut2day, YIPPEE!!! Thank God I don't have to reply to "idiot", ever again as I knew it was NOT right. There is "no day but today", and it is up to me to make it a darn good one.
God bless
God bless
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