Mambo Queen

Long story short--

He hasn't been doing well since the divorce--well, he was for a while--attending a few AA meetings, joining his sister's church, working, watching dd every other weekend and not drinking. But he would still call me all the time and beg me to change my mind. In the past two months, he has--relapsed, quit his job, got rejected for a job he really wanted due to the restraining order I had taken out on him they saw on his record, threatened suicide and given me a specific date for it(the date was today), and then, last night, gotten a 4th! DUI, left my car abandoned somewhere that he doesn't even know, and has called me drunk to tell me he's homeless, probably going to jail and doesn't know where the car's at. I will say that I felt really guilty when he didn't get that job, even though I knew he would probably f it up (he was sober for a month when he got turned down; this recent relapse is only a few days old). I just feel like it is NEVER. GOING. TO. END. After he gets out of jail for this 4th DUI, I can see him moving back to the city I live in, as he currently lives in the country and couldn't get around out there without a driver's license. I just feel like I'll never fully escape this hell, and just when I think he can't sink lower, he does. I hate to see him like this. I hate to have to live still worried about him. I hate that our dd ties me to him. I hate that he may have truly ****** his life up beyond repair this time. I hate all of this. The good news is, believe it or not, this is me LESS bothered by all of this than I would have been even a month ago. I am healing and detaching, but slowly, but I feel like he always kicks it into high gear. I feel like I've been doing a pretty OK job of not reacting, not getting sucked in--I did call his sister and warn her of the suicide threat. She's getting mighty sick of all the bs too though and is at the end of her rope. So tonight? I guess he was released on his own recog and is currently getting drunk about 50 miles from his home with no way to get his car back or get back to his apartment. What a mess. Glad its not mine. But a little part of me still feels like it IS mine, at least partly, because of our daughter. I didn't want him to sink this low. I didn't want him to be so messed up that there was no way out for him, even if he would by some miracle chose sobriety.

sailorjohn

Quite some time ago, got to listen to the fella that was in prison, got sober through AA, now finds himself in charge of the prison system in his state.

The only bottom that's insurmountable is death. None of this is your responsibility, the only responsibility we have as families/friends is to make sure that we aren't part of their problem.

Mambo Queen

But don't you feel sometimes like it's harder now to escape your past bad behavior, in this age of internet checks and background checks and the like? I just feel like even if he turned it around tomorrow, he's now ruined any shot he ever had at getting a decent job again. And I do have a stake in that, it's called my child support, and I'd like it, but between his debts and now this, I feel like I'll never see it. And frankly, I can live without it, but I'm also just sad that he's now dug a hole he may never be able to get out of.

sailorjohn

Sure, it's harder to get certain types of jobs, but not every job does extensive background checks, not every job is that picky.

The kids, yes the kids. I just got out of a relationship with a crack addict not in recovery, she may or may not be using, who knows, doesn't matter. Two children, a boy and a girl, and she's still laboring under the impression that the kids need to have 'stuff' to be happy and well adjusted.

They got a lot of stuff last xmas, probably the best Christmas they've ever seen, and the whole family got to do a lot of nice things this year.

The kids are both desperately unhappy, a large part due to that extremely unhealthy family dynamic which I was a part of, and I could tell you my own cautionary tale of chasing things to seek happiness and contentment, and what an awful illusion that is. If the material things truly worked, both of those kids should be doing a lot better than they are.

If your kids have a healthy and well adjusted Mom, they won't really remember any financial hardships you've endured, they will remember their Mom's love.

LaTeeDa

It is sad. But, he dug that hole, you didn't. And it appears he's still not ready to put down the shovel. He wants it to be your fault. He wants you to take responsibility for his madness because he's not ready or willing to take responsibility for himself. And, as harsh as it may sound, you are helping him toward his demise by buying into the guilt. By taking his calls, feeling sorry for him, trying to talk him out of it.

If he threatens suicide, call 911. You are not the only hope for him. In fact, you are not his hope at all. You are his scapegoat. When he finally has nobody else to shovel his crap at, then maybe, just maybe, he will look in the mirror and discover who is responsible for his problems.

You are not helping by staying involved in his madness. You could actually be helping him sink deeper.

L

peaceteach

Mambo,

I felt the same way about my exAH when he lost his job, was beat up in a bar, got DUI's (multiple), had to move yet again to a smaller home... two (now pretty grown) children. And it really hasn't ended either. I have just detached more. HE knows all about AA, has every opportunity to go that route. It was his choice before, and still is. Hang in there, girl. I so totally agree with LTD. It isn't your problem, NEVER WAS. Don't allow yourself to be part of the problem, girl. You are dragging both him and yourself down still. What's the point of that? Take care.

nodaybut2day

That's exactly it: HE ruined his own chances by behaving the way he did. The consequences of self-destructive behavior are far reaching and rather long standing. They don't just go POOF when the person suddenly does a 180 and becomes Mr. Nice Guy. It's just something he's going to have to accept and work to remedy slowly, if he ever chooses to. You just did what you thought was right for you and your child by filling a restraining order.

TakingCharge999

Just as Melody Beattie says, for all your actions "you either pay now, or pay later"

Life is a game called "Consequences". You can't be dangerous to your child and your wife, then get wasted and forget where the car YOU were driving is (and you know its not even yours) and in which condition... be a menace to 3rd parties because you just cannot get a cab when you get wasted... and so so much other harmful stuff to him and his family...

...and expect to live a happy wonderful life full of love, expect for your wife to "change her mind" as if she did not live and witness what she did. As if she was not a human being with feelings, needs and the memories...

Keep striding forward Mambo! :ghug3

Freedom1990

The last thing I want from anyone is pity, regardless of the circumstances of my life. Sure, I've hit some pretty rough potholes, but I try my best to remember that 'this too shall pass.'

You do neither him nor yourself any favors by feeling sorry for him.

When that load of pity for him that you carry gets heavy enough, you'll drop it.