Update (Separate Beds) and a question
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Update (Separate Beds) and a question
He just now put himself to bed for the night (It's about 6pm) - to the bewilderment of our teenage son...
And me, wellI am obviously not surprised. I predicted this in my first thread. I left him for a day of shopping and our son left for a day of fun with a friend. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how AH spent his day. He didn't even tidy up the kitchen or anything while we were gone.
So on his way to bed, he says "I really want you in my bed tonight". I said, "You're stinking drunk!" He says "I know, I'm not mad or anything but I really miss you and I want you to sleep with me".
I said, "Yeah well...we'll have to wait and see.." Dammit! I should have said no but really, he was THAT tanked. Antagonizing him with what he didn't want to hear really would not be a teaching moment for him - it would've just got his anger rolling.
I don't even know how his night is going to go. He has never gone to bed this early.
I am afraid he'll fight me if/when he wakes up at 11p and I am not there and there is a really big chance of him waking up later on. I don't want to hear it and I don't want to put my son through it.
I think I know what you are going to say - but I'll ask anyway - what should I do?? When you tell me I should sleep in the guest room - let me know what I should say to our son. His room is right next to the guest room - so if the big bad bear raises his voice tonight...our son will definitely hear it.
And me, wellI am obviously not surprised. I predicted this in my first thread. I left him for a day of shopping and our son left for a day of fun with a friend. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how AH spent his day. He didn't even tidy up the kitchen or anything while we were gone.
So on his way to bed, he says "I really want you in my bed tonight". I said, "You're stinking drunk!" He says "I know, I'm not mad or anything but I really miss you and I want you to sleep with me".
I said, "Yeah well...we'll have to wait and see.." Dammit! I should have said no but really, he was THAT tanked. Antagonizing him with what he didn't want to hear really would not be a teaching moment for him - it would've just got his anger rolling.
I don't even know how his night is going to go. He has never gone to bed this early.
I am afraid he'll fight me if/when he wakes up at 11p and I am not there and there is a really big chance of him waking up later on. I don't want to hear it and I don't want to put my son through it.
I think I know what you are going to say - but I'll ask anyway - what should I do?? When you tell me I should sleep in the guest room - let me know what I should say to our son. His room is right next to the guest room - so if the big bad bear raises his voice tonight...our son will definitely hear it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. It's not a pleasant place to be.
I'm not sure exactly what you are asking. Are you wanting to know how to make it OK in your son's eyes? Are you aking what story to spin to your son so that he won't realise what is going on?
Your son knows way more than you think he does. And you are doing you and him no favours for covering up - you do realise that your son is learning how to be a man by watching his father?
I know that's tough and I'm sorry if it stings a little to hear it.
What are you getting out of this relationship?
I'm not sure exactly what you are asking. Are you wanting to know how to make it OK in your son's eyes? Are you aking what story to spin to your son so that he won't realise what is going on?
Your son knows way more than you think he does. And you are doing you and him no favours for covering up - you do realise that your son is learning how to be a man by watching his father?
I know that's tough and I'm sorry if it stings a little to hear it.
What are you getting out of this relationship?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi whereisthisgoin--
What you choose to do tonight, or in any single situation in the next few days is less important than what are you going to do with your one precious life? And what kind of healthy behavior, moving forward, are you going to model for your teenager?
I learned in AlAnon and through therapy that trying to have anything positive come out of my encounters with my actively alcoholic loved ones was a fantasy and a sign of the deep denial I was in. I had to learn how to prevent myself from ever getting into those tight spots. I also learned how to make some plans for the unavoidable situations - and always know that I had choices - they may not have been comfortable choices, but I did always have a choice to keep myself away from the alcoholic's aggressive, obnoxious, demanding, DRUNKEN behavior.
Your son already knows his family is dysfunctional - I certainly did at his age. It would have been GREAT if my mom could have come to me and said. "Your father is an alcoholic. Alcoholics behave irrationally, aggressively, unpredictably and illogically. As you know dad has been drinking again tonight so I am expecting a rough night."
And then it really would have been glorious if she had said, "I'm planning on getting us (meaning mom and child) some help this week, so we can start getting ourselves to a better place. We cannot help him, we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. But we can help ourselves." And then follow that up with a plan of action like:
Go to AlAnon/AlAteen meetings
Individual or Mom & child counseling.
Go to library and get a stack of books about codependency and the sick dynamic in alcoholic families.
Etc.
Good luck tonight. I hope you can make a plan soon so that you never have to feel this way again! Sux!
Peace-
B
What you choose to do tonight, or in any single situation in the next few days is less important than what are you going to do with your one precious life? And what kind of healthy behavior, moving forward, are you going to model for your teenager?
I learned in AlAnon and through therapy that trying to have anything positive come out of my encounters with my actively alcoholic loved ones was a fantasy and a sign of the deep denial I was in. I had to learn how to prevent myself from ever getting into those tight spots. I also learned how to make some plans for the unavoidable situations - and always know that I had choices - they may not have been comfortable choices, but I did always have a choice to keep myself away from the alcoholic's aggressive, obnoxious, demanding, DRUNKEN behavior.
Your son already knows his family is dysfunctional - I certainly did at his age. It would have been GREAT if my mom could have come to me and said. "Your father is an alcoholic. Alcoholics behave irrationally, aggressively, unpredictably and illogically. As you know dad has been drinking again tonight so I am expecting a rough night."
And then it really would have been glorious if she had said, "I'm planning on getting us (meaning mom and child) some help this week, so we can start getting ourselves to a better place. We cannot help him, we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. But we can help ourselves." And then follow that up with a plan of action like:
Go to AlAnon/AlAteen meetings
Individual or Mom & child counseling.
Go to library and get a stack of books about codependency and the sick dynamic in alcoholic families.
Etc.
Good luck tonight. I hope you can make a plan soon so that you never have to feel this way again! Sux!
Peace-
B
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I spent some time in another bedroom. I moved into my oldest sons BR as soon as he left for college and stayed there for the next couple of months until M moved out. I did this with every expectation that our marriage was over and she was leaving and I clearly communicated this to her. I can't imagne living in your situation for any length of time.
Bernadettes post is truly one of the best posts I've seen here in a very long time. I say that because I remember what it was like as a teenager in a dysfunctional alcoholic home AND I remember what it's like as the spouse of an alcoholic worried that my children were watching and learning future behavior.
There are much better ways to live.
Bernadettes post is truly one of the best posts I've seen here in a very long time. I say that because I remember what it was like as a teenager in a dysfunctional alcoholic home AND I remember what it's like as the spouse of an alcoholic worried that my children were watching and learning future behavior.
There are much better ways to live.
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