Another New Story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 28
Another New Story
Hi, Before I even begin I want to thank each and every one of you! I'm not even sure how I stumbled on to this website but I've been reading your posts for what seems like so long now and they have helped me through some very tough nights, so from the bottom of my heart thank you!
I divorced my AH when my daughter was 5. Like many of you it was a relationship filled with drama and chaos, lies and verbal abuse, manipulation and more. I stayed through rehabs and a stint of his in a psychiatric ward. I went to therapy and al-anon and filled a library with self help and codependant books. I finally left when my then 5 year old was crying under a kitchen table holding her ears and begging for us to stop. At the time maybe I thought that I didn't deserve more but I knew she did. Left and never regretted the decision.
Flash Forward: My daughter is now 20. She is a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate young woman who is in college finishing her degree.
About 2 years ago I met this incredibly good looking intelligent man with a great sense of humor. He is 44 and said he had never been married("couldn't find someone who deserved him", Red Flag 1). He has an MBA but was working a blue collar job ("I lost my corporate job years ago because I wouldn't play the game", Red Flag 2). He lives in my area alone in a house owned by his mother (I'm just helping her out!, Red Flag 3). He loves Beer (I mean loves beer, Red Flag 4).
I of course do what any normal, responsible, intelligent, educated professional who has taken care of everybody and everything her whole adult life does and fell in LOVE (sorry for the sarcasm).
So i find myself 20 years later after all of my self improvement with an unemployed, arrogant, narcissistic, verbally abusive alcoholic boyfriend. He on the other hand says everything would be great if I just learned "My Place"! Huh?
Intellectually I know what I have to do and have been detaching the last three weeks, dusting off the old books but I still can't seem to seperate my emotions from my brain.
Any and all help would be appreciated!!!!
I divorced my AH when my daughter was 5. Like many of you it was a relationship filled with drama and chaos, lies and verbal abuse, manipulation and more. I stayed through rehabs and a stint of his in a psychiatric ward. I went to therapy and al-anon and filled a library with self help and codependant books. I finally left when my then 5 year old was crying under a kitchen table holding her ears and begging for us to stop. At the time maybe I thought that I didn't deserve more but I knew she did. Left and never regretted the decision.
Flash Forward: My daughter is now 20. She is a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate young woman who is in college finishing her degree.
About 2 years ago I met this incredibly good looking intelligent man with a great sense of humor. He is 44 and said he had never been married("couldn't find someone who deserved him", Red Flag 1). He has an MBA but was working a blue collar job ("I lost my corporate job years ago because I wouldn't play the game", Red Flag 2). He lives in my area alone in a house owned by his mother (I'm just helping her out!, Red Flag 3). He loves Beer (I mean loves beer, Red Flag 4).
I of course do what any normal, responsible, intelligent, educated professional who has taken care of everybody and everything her whole adult life does and fell in LOVE (sorry for the sarcasm).
So i find myself 20 years later after all of my self improvement with an unemployed, arrogant, narcissistic, verbally abusive alcoholic boyfriend. He on the other hand says everything would be great if I just learned "My Place"! Huh?
Intellectually I know what I have to do and have been detaching the last three weeks, dusting off the old books but I still can't seem to seperate my emotions from my brain.
Any and all help would be appreciated!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by LovetoLaugh 
..... He on the other hand says everything would be great if I just learned "My Place"! Huh?.....
BTW, I stayed for years in a relationship much worse than this, so I'm not being critical, just want you to take the blinders off. It took me 3 years to do it! You sound a lot smarter than I was.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the family!
There's always room for another rescuer, so pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home!
Another tool to add to your collection is Alanon meetings. You will find face-to-face support there and 24/7 support here.
The best way to cut off the attachment to your alcoholic is to go no contact. It's the best way, but also the hardest thing to do. As fixers, we want to keep focusing on the other person and their problems and keep neglecting our own issues.
Going no contact for say 24 hours is a first step. Give yourself a goal, take it moment by moment and at the end of your goal - reward yourself.
I did this by telling myself that I would not contact my alcoholic for 24 hours. Everytime I wanted to call, text or email the alcoholic; I would play the tape forward. Why did I want to contact him? What was my motive? Could it wait 24 hours? What would be the result of contact?
If I made it 24 hours, I would treat myself to something chocolate!
It's a one day at a time process. I'm strive for progress, not perfection. Welcome!
There's always room for another rescuer, so pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home!
Another tool to add to your collection is Alanon meetings. You will find face-to-face support there and 24/7 support here.
The best way to cut off the attachment to your alcoholic is to go no contact. It's the best way, but also the hardest thing to do. As fixers, we want to keep focusing on the other person and their problems and keep neglecting our own issues.
Going no contact for say 24 hours is a first step. Give yourself a goal, take it moment by moment and at the end of your goal - reward yourself.
I did this by telling myself that I would not contact my alcoholic for 24 hours. Everytime I wanted to call, text or email the alcoholic; I would play the tape forward. Why did I want to contact him? What was my motive? Could it wait 24 hours? What would be the result of contact?
If I made it 24 hours, I would treat myself to something chocolate!
It's a one day at a time process. I'm strive for progress, not perfection. Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I loved your post! I am sad that you are in this situation but your exbf's words are very funny! Seriously! The guy wonders why he is single?
RUN...RUN FAST. Don't look back. Dust off those books, keep busy, and move forward. I guess the codie really never leaves us does it?
RUN...RUN FAST. Don't look back. Dust off those books, keep busy, and move forward. I guess the codie really never leaves us does it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 28
Thank you all for responding, I knew this was the right place to come!
Startingover2,
I'm glad you got a chuckle, stay tuned he's got a million of them (sometimes I even break out in a laugh when he says this stuff)Sad part is he really thinks hes got it all figured out!! I had told him for X-mas i was going to have them all bound in a book and call it "Great Thoughts of a Jack A**"
Pelican,
Thank you for your advice, I've really tried the "no contact" these past few weeks and have felt pretty good about it. Then it kind of goes like last night. I think after no contact for awhile that I can have a real conversation with him. Starts out normal and deteriorates to him ranting that I am the weaker sex, I will never be his equal and I should just be more of "A Woman", soft, subservient, and less independent.( I think sometimes he is threatened by the fact that I can take care of myself). He claims to be the best thing that ever happened to me and called me an enabler. I always feel like replying yeah, you think so Einstein?
I love that you ask yourself, What is my motive? and What would be the result? I have to start that today because I always know the answer to both of those questions and its not a pretty one!
TJP613,
You asked, What I'm hoping will happen? On a good day, I'm hoping that he will lose my number and address and move on to the next victim. On a bad day I find myself thinking the "if onlys"? Oddly enough I was actually attracted to him because we have a lot of the same values, morals upbringing etc... With time his mind has gotten so warped, he has no friends, rarely sees family, and drinks alone at home. He claims hes got a great life!
Oh did I mention to everybody, drinking is not an issue, not even allowed to bring that up. All of our conversations are about my issues, his are none of my business.
So its time for me to refocus on me and let him live his life however he'd like. I'm ready to let go. I think I'll need you all to stay centered and on track.
Thanks again!!
Startingover2,
I'm glad you got a chuckle, stay tuned he's got a million of them (sometimes I even break out in a laugh when he says this stuff)Sad part is he really thinks hes got it all figured out!! I had told him for X-mas i was going to have them all bound in a book and call it "Great Thoughts of a Jack A**"
Pelican,
Thank you for your advice, I've really tried the "no contact" these past few weeks and have felt pretty good about it. Then it kind of goes like last night. I think after no contact for awhile that I can have a real conversation with him. Starts out normal and deteriorates to him ranting that I am the weaker sex, I will never be his equal and I should just be more of "A Woman", soft, subservient, and less independent.( I think sometimes he is threatened by the fact that I can take care of myself). He claims to be the best thing that ever happened to me and called me an enabler. I always feel like replying yeah, you think so Einstein?
I love that you ask yourself, What is my motive? and What would be the result? I have to start that today because I always know the answer to both of those questions and its not a pretty one!
TJP613,
You asked, What I'm hoping will happen? On a good day, I'm hoping that he will lose my number and address and move on to the next victim. On a bad day I find myself thinking the "if onlys"? Oddly enough I was actually attracted to him because we have a lot of the same values, morals upbringing etc... With time his mind has gotten so warped, he has no friends, rarely sees family, and drinks alone at home. He claims hes got a great life!
Oh did I mention to everybody, drinking is not an issue, not even allowed to bring that up. All of our conversations are about my issues, his are none of my business.
So its time for me to refocus on me and let him live his life however he'd like. I'm ready to let go. I think I'll need you all to stay centered and on track.
Thanks again!!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
One of the 'helpful hints' I love around here is changing his name on your cell phone to something more appropriate.... Jack Ass sounds good in your case, because Good LAWD he sure fits the bill!!
Oh, I have learned this one very valuable lesson: if they have no friends and rarely see their family -- that is the biggest red flag of all!!
What the hell are you DOING with this guy?? He must be great in the sack, eh? LOL
Oh, I have learned this one very valuable lesson: if they have no friends and rarely see their family -- that is the biggest red flag of all!!
What the hell are you DOING with this guy?? He must be great in the sack, eh? LOL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
With time his mind has gotten so warped, he has no friends, rarely sees family, and drinks alone at home. He claims hes got a great life!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
Originally Posted by Dreamer42long
Same thing with my ABF. He hates any kind of family gatherings (his family or mine) and I was the only friend he had. He's a binge drinker so during a typical binge, he stays in his room for days on end, ...it's just him, his A-beverage of choice, his pornos and his cigarettes. What a life!
And mine always had his cell phone too - so he could start texting when I would no longer talk to him. Hehe, this is a great life!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by LovetoLaugh
So i find myself 20 years later after all of my self improvement with an unemployed, arrogant, narcissistic, verbally abusive alcoholic boyfriend.
Another question is "Why would I even consider allowing another person to emotionally abuse and degrade me and think about continuing the relationship?"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
OMG you guys are so funny! Thanks for the (silent in my house) laugh! The ones I LOL's about...
* Lovetolaugh's ABF's "weaker sex" LMAO!
* TPJ's he must be good in the sack - still repetedly chuckling on that one. Wish MINE was!
I love it that we add a little humor to this stupid merry-go-round.
Welcome Lovetolaugh! I'm new too, and struggling with my own S**T, so won't offer any words of wisdom since I don't seem to have any to offer yet. Just know that this is an incredible place to be. So much love and support, even behind the scenes. I know we're all about Alanon, but so far, SR's given me more than anybody or anything in my life except my Mom and my nearly grown children. This is a place of survival and getting better.
Love your "handle", Lovetolaugh!
Hugs! Tigger
* Lovetolaugh's ABF's "weaker sex" LMAO!
* TPJ's he must be good in the sack - still repetedly chuckling on that one. Wish MINE was!
I love it that we add a little humor to this stupid merry-go-round.
Welcome Lovetolaugh! I'm new too, and struggling with my own S**T, so won't offer any words of wisdom since I don't seem to have any to offer yet. Just know that this is an incredible place to be. So much love and support, even behind the scenes. I know we're all about Alanon, but so far, SR's given me more than anybody or anything in my life except my Mom and my nearly grown children. This is a place of survival and getting better.
Love your "handle", Lovetolaugh!
Hugs! Tigger
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Lovetolaugh. Glad you found SR. And also love your screen name. I think laughter is the best medicine in the world for codies.
Another motivator -- keep reading here, there, everywhere and trust the truth about how alcoholism is progressive and always leads to a spiraling downward and completely out of control, unless the alcoholic chooses abstinence. What you are seeing in this man is AS GOOD AS IT GETS. And.........it WILL get much, much worse. And when that final downward slide starts, it can go pretty fast and hard for them and anyone else in their wake. I'd jump ship. There are truly wonderful men out there who LOVE strong women and don't need a mushy, quiet little lady to push around. You deserve a good guy, Lovetolaugh. How about freeing yourself up for someone else? And maybe doing a little soul-searching and reading about why you are choosing men who aren't respectful and loving toward you. Have your read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? I loved that book even when I hated how it rang so true for me.
Beware, sister. This man is headed for a major fall. All the signs are there. Don't let him drag you down with him. You don't deserve that.
Another motivator -- keep reading here, there, everywhere and trust the truth about how alcoholism is progressive and always leads to a spiraling downward and completely out of control, unless the alcoholic chooses abstinence. What you are seeing in this man is AS GOOD AS IT GETS. And.........it WILL get much, much worse. And when that final downward slide starts, it can go pretty fast and hard for them and anyone else in their wake. I'd jump ship. There are truly wonderful men out there who LOVE strong women and don't need a mushy, quiet little lady to push around. You deserve a good guy, Lovetolaugh. How about freeing yourself up for someone else? And maybe doing a little soul-searching and reading about why you are choosing men who aren't respectful and loving toward you. Have your read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? I loved that book even when I hated how it rang so true for me.
Beware, sister. This man is headed for a major fall. All the signs are there. Don't let him drag you down with him. You don't deserve that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 28
Hey tjp613
As soon as I read your reply earlier I changed his name to "Jack Ass" in my phone and went on with my day. Had to let you know that he just called and his picture pops up with Jack Ass in capital letters and I couldn't stop laughing. Funny how something as silly as that could keep me smiling the rest of the day!!! Thank you!
Yes thank god he is a boyfriend and has his own seperate house although he lives less than a mile from me.When I hear of other people's situations I am always grateful for that. I've been on the other side and its so much more complicated, yet still possible. I know from my first experience.
Peaceteach, I to see all the signs and can attest to the progression in a very short time. The verbal abuse has escalated and It could get worse he's a big guy. When things have happened in the past he's begged forgiveness and showed remorse. He doesn't even try that anymore. He truly sees nothing wrong with his behavior and that is scary at times.
Heres a quick question, I know its over and the rest is in the details but neither of us has actually ended it for whatever reason. Do you think it would be better for me to say the words and be done (his response will be anger, screaming and then probably complete silent treatment) ripping off the band-aid so to speak or should I work more on myself and just keep trying to detach? I think either way I'm still going to have to sort through my emotions and it will be painful but maybe its better to get it done with. I believe once I say the words it will be done. Hes not the type to apologize and look for another chance.
Its funny last night when we were having a converation, he started yelling and going on and on (I just listen don't even react anymore) and then he said I need a break and hung up on me.
He actually meant a break from the conversation, but since he was drunk and wont remember most of what he said I was thinking of calling him and appealing to his huge ego and saying, You know what, I completely agree with what you said last night about us breaking up, I'm really not what your looking for so take care.
Thoughts?
As soon as I read your reply earlier I changed his name to "Jack Ass" in my phone and went on with my day. Had to let you know that he just called and his picture pops up with Jack Ass in capital letters and I couldn't stop laughing. Funny how something as silly as that could keep me smiling the rest of the day!!! Thank you!
Yes thank god he is a boyfriend and has his own seperate house although he lives less than a mile from me.When I hear of other people's situations I am always grateful for that. I've been on the other side and its so much more complicated, yet still possible. I know from my first experience.
Peaceteach, I to see all the signs and can attest to the progression in a very short time. The verbal abuse has escalated and It could get worse he's a big guy. When things have happened in the past he's begged forgiveness and showed remorse. He doesn't even try that anymore. He truly sees nothing wrong with his behavior and that is scary at times.
Heres a quick question, I know its over and the rest is in the details but neither of us has actually ended it for whatever reason. Do you think it would be better for me to say the words and be done (his response will be anger, screaming and then probably complete silent treatment) ripping off the band-aid so to speak or should I work more on myself and just keep trying to detach? I think either way I'm still going to have to sort through my emotions and it will be painful but maybe its better to get it done with. I believe once I say the words it will be done. Hes not the type to apologize and look for another chance.
Its funny last night when we were having a converation, he started yelling and going on and on (I just listen don't even react anymore) and then he said I need a break and hung up on me.
He actually meant a break from the conversation, but since he was drunk and wont remember most of what he said I was thinking of calling him and appealing to his huge ego and saying, You know what, I completely agree with what you said last night about us breaking up, I'm really not what your looking for so take care.
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Hi Lovetolaugh, I love your screen name! I think you know what you need to do. Someone asked me when I first came here, "What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?" My daughters have been my biggest motivators in my situation. (That and my higher power, doing for me what I wouldn't do for myself, lol.)
It sounds like everything would be so awesome if he would just...be a completely different person than he actually is.
It sounds like everything would be so awesome if he would just...be a completely different person than he actually is.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Re: your last post, no, I think you need to take responsibility for breaking up. You're leaving him a way back in by saying that you're not what he wants. It's dishonest (I think?) - he's not what you want. Right???
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by LovetoLaugh
Do you think it would be better for me to say the words and be done (his response will be anger, screaming and then probably complete silent treatment) ripping off the band-aid so to speak or should I work more on myself and just keep trying to detach?
This time, I severed all of the obvious public ties first, didn't bother to respond to her very last text message- that would have been seeking more engagement, am seeking disengagement-and if it comes up, won't bother to respond to any attempts at contact. Nor shall I contact her, I have no legitimate reason to.
If you haven't said it's over to him, and you feel like it's helpful to you, just say it, or text it, and drop the contact.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by LovetoLaugh
Hey tjp613
I was thinking of calling him and appealing to his huge ego and saying, You know what, I completely agree with what you said last night about us breaking up, I'm really not what your looking for so take care.
I was thinking of calling him and appealing to his huge ego and saying, You know what, I completely agree with what you said last night about us breaking up, I'm really not what your looking for so take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 28
Originally posted by Wanting
It sounds like everything would be so awesome if he would just...be a completely different person than he actually is.
It sounds like everything would be so awesome if he would just...be a completely different person than he actually is.
Joking aside, I think I am going to make that call and break up with him so I can start my week clear headed. There will definately be a price to pay, there always is but I think I'm okay with that rather than waste any more time living like this, its draining!!!
Wish me Luck!!!
PS
tjp613 He must be great in the sack, eh? LOL
There was a time I'd get chills (the good kind) just thinking about it. Now I get shivers (the bad kind) just talking to him!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I just like that smiley.
I love all the laughter here!
But when I saw my favorite smiley...I thought, yeah....it is all a circle/cyle.
Just keeps going around.
FYI...detachment works well with alcoholism, but escalates things with abuse.
I don't need or want to expose myself to either for one minute longer than necessary...and necessary is the time it takes me to turn around, walk out the door.....or to walk to my door, lock it and block the number of the problem person.
Now, can I have that made into a tatoo as a crib sheet for myself??????
Have A SUPER SUNDAY!!!!!!!, without the A$$!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
