Anyone else sleep in separate beds last night?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Anyone else sleep in separate beds last night?
My ah got toasted last night. He kept waiting around to see if I would go to bed with him. The thought nauseated me.
I am very thankful for this board. I was able to tell him that he was drunk and should go to bed. I didn't like to go to bed with him when he's toasted, and that I would stay up a bit.
He got mad. And he really looked ridiculous because he was drunk and mad and dramatic.
I have read a lot of posts here and was able to be calm and say "I'm not going to engage you." He said I didn't love him anymore. I said, "Let's be clear. When you're drunk, I don't want to go to bed with you."
And then I shut up and went about my business as he tried to get an argument heated up.
It didn't work and he went to bed. He told me to sleep in the guest room which I did HAPPILY.
He's apologized this morning. "I missed you last night".
I'm disgusted and making plans for my day that don't include him. He'll be toasted by the time I get home...stay tuned.
Meanwhile, I so appreciate this board. Hearing the predictable behaviors and how to counteract that saved me last night. The posts about how to have fun when you don't want to are also good. I'm a bit of a home body, but I will not be here today and I will have fun.
Hope your night was better than mine.
I am very thankful for this board. I was able to tell him that he was drunk and should go to bed. I didn't like to go to bed with him when he's toasted, and that I would stay up a bit.
He got mad. And he really looked ridiculous because he was drunk and mad and dramatic.
I have read a lot of posts here and was able to be calm and say "I'm not going to engage you." He said I didn't love him anymore. I said, "Let's be clear. When you're drunk, I don't want to go to bed with you."
And then I shut up and went about my business as he tried to get an argument heated up.
It didn't work and he went to bed. He told me to sleep in the guest room which I did HAPPILY.
He's apologized this morning. "I missed you last night".
I'm disgusted and making plans for my day that don't include him. He'll be toasted by the time I get home...stay tuned.
Meanwhile, I so appreciate this board. Hearing the predictable behaviors and how to counteract that saved me last night. The posts about how to have fun when you don't want to are also good. I'm a bit of a home body, but I will not be here today and I will have fun.
Hope your night was better than mine.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I slept many nights on an air mattress! Said the same thing: You've been drinking and I'm not sleeping with you. period.
Next day came the remorse and pity. I finally took advantage of one of those remorse-filled morning chats - I told him that the next time he was drunk HE could sleep in another room.
He did too. However, he wouldn't have the coordination to pull out an air mattress, put on sheets and find blankets. So he would get his pillow and a sheet and sleep on the couch.
Next day came the remorse and pity. I finally took advantage of one of those remorse-filled morning chats - I told him that the next time he was drunk HE could sleep in another room.
He did too. However, he wouldn't have the coordination to pull out an air mattress, put on sheets and find blankets. So he would get his pillow and a sheet and sleep on the couch.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by Pelican 
I finally took advantage of one of those remorse-filled morning chats - I told him that the next time he was drunk HE could sleep in another room.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
ya, I finally had to give up the bed completely as it stunk. We hosted a large camping trip every year. One night I came to climb in our tent, and there was vomit all over it, him and the brand new air mattress. I slept, broken hearted and disgusted, in my sisters tent. The camping trip lasted a few more days, where he said nothing to anyone, and refused to clean the mess properly, but continued to sleep in it. He never did clean any of the gear, and after sitting in our storage for 6 months or so the tent and air mattress went in the trash.
That was our last camping trip as husband and wife.
That was our last camping trip as husband and wife.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin
He sweats too much when he sleeps...the guest room has no smell or feel of him.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Nope. We had already been through 2 camping trips where he broke an ankle drunk (first year one, next year the other), so although he liked to blame it on camping, I knew the booze was the culprit.
I was a participant in the madness of excessive drinking then too, and what almost soured my love of camping was the thought of going last year, after I quit, with my usual crowd of 20-30 drunks and being the only sober person there.
After some thought, I decided to do my first trip ever by myself. It was a trip, being sober and alone, no one to clean up after, just me, the beach, the stars and a campfire.
Alcohol is out of my system, (ex) is 2 hours away and on his own, I really feel for you all still going through that mess.
I was a participant in the madness of excessive drinking then too, and what almost soured my love of camping was the thought of going last year, after I quit, with my usual crowd of 20-30 drunks and being the only sober person there.
After some thought, I decided to do my first trip ever by myself. It was a trip, being sober and alone, no one to clean up after, just me, the beach, the stars and a campfire.
Alcohol is out of my system, (ex) is 2 hours away and on his own, I really feel for you all still going through that mess.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I slept for many a night in the room with a very stinky drunk. When he started pi$$ing the bed 3 nights a week, I moved down to the basement. When he quit drinking (sort of), the bed was so saturated with pi$$ that it was sunken in on one side, so I stayed in the basement. When he left me, he told everyone, "We don't even sleep in the same bed!" I even just got an email from the person he left me for, and it's all about how abused he was by me, and how I wouldn't even sleep in the same bed with him. 
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by wanting
.... I even just got an email from the person he left me for, and it's all about how abused he was by me, and how I wouldn't even sleep in the same bed with him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Wow... the stinky bed & bedroom syndrome. Yah... I've got a ticket to THAT show. Washing my sheets and quilt as we speak.
Sweating. Yup.
Stinky breath. Yup.
Snoring loud enough to wake up people 2 towns away. Yup.
General bad hygene. Yup.
Passing out and sleeping all night in 3 or more day old clothes. Yup.
Every single night. YUP.
What must it be like to get sober and look back on things like this? Yuck!
Sweating. Yup.
Stinky breath. Yup.
Snoring loud enough to wake up people 2 towns away. Yup.
General bad hygene. Yup.
Passing out and sleeping all night in 3 or more day old clothes. Yup.
Every single night. YUP.
What must it be like to get sober and look back on things like this? Yuck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I remember early in our relationship I would actually wake my XABF up as he slept on the couch to ge him to come to bed. I bothered me greatly that he didn't want to sleep beside me for even part of the night. Even when he would snore so loudly it would startle me to the floor, I still wanted him there.
As time and his addiction wore on, I just stopped bothering to ask him to come to bed. I suppose in a way, I stopped punishing myself with sleepless nights.
The first time I told him to shape up or I was leaving, he starting coming to bed at night. Thankfully, it did not last as I could not stand sleeping next to him again for all the same reasons expressed thus far in the replies.
By the time I sought recovery and admitted to myself that separation was necessary for me, sleeping in a bed alone was a solace and comfort. A place to recharge in peace.
I know a few married couples who sleep separately happily and there's no addiction sharing their relationships. I may have a hard time sharing my slumber with a man in future now that I'm so used to sleeping just me and my fur babies.
Alice
As time and his addiction wore on, I just stopped bothering to ask him to come to bed. I suppose in a way, I stopped punishing myself with sleepless nights.
The first time I told him to shape up or I was leaving, he starting coming to bed at night. Thankfully, it did not last as I could not stand sleeping next to him again for all the same reasons expressed thus far in the replies.
By the time I sought recovery and admitted to myself that separation was necessary for me, sleeping in a bed alone was a solace and comfort. A place to recharge in peace.
I know a few married couples who sleep separately happily and there's no addiction sharing their relationships. I may have a hard time sharing my slumber with a man in future now that I'm so used to sleeping just me and my fur babies.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Been there, done that, worn the T-Shirt (clean, I might add...LOL)......there were many nights that ABF passed out in bed and seeing as there was the choice of sleeping in a bed - in a rather small bedroom with an intoxicated, snoring, sweaty, beer soaked person or on the futon-a mite uncomfortable, but tolerable and smelling only of me, I took the futon every time.
Besides, the futon was in the living room and at least I could read or watch TV in peace without being pawed at for sex or told that I didn't love him because I would not go to bed with him.
I've been through the morning remorse of "I still love you, You don't have to sleep on the futon" quacking which I always countered with my usual mantra of not coming to bed having to listen to snoring that was loud enough to wake the dog and me and the neighbours nor smell stale beer fumes.
I spent many a night on the futon preferring a stiff back to a toasted ABF.
The best part now is that both ABF and I have our own places and while he is 60 days sober and working the AA program, I know that if he does slip, I can be here at my own place, sleeping in my own bed and the only snoring I have to contend with is from a 50lb spaniel. That's peace of mind for me......
Besides, the futon was in the living room and at least I could read or watch TV in peace without being pawed at for sex or told that I didn't love him because I would not go to bed with him.
I've been through the morning remorse of "I still love you, You don't have to sleep on the futon" quacking which I always countered with my usual mantra of not coming to bed having to listen to snoring that was loud enough to wake the dog and me and the neighbours nor smell stale beer fumes.
I spent many a night on the futon preferring a stiff back to a toasted ABF.
The best part now is that both ABF and I have our own places and while he is 60 days sober and working the AA program, I know that if he does slip, I can be here at my own place, sleeping in my own bed and the only snoring I have to contend with is from a 50lb spaniel. That's peace of mind for me......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
I've got to the point where I can't stomach the idea of sleeping in the same bed as a drunk man.
I don't want his disgusting breath weezing all over me.
I don't want his tight monkey grip on me.
I don't want his snoring
I want the bed to myself
I want my own space
I hate sharing a bed now...period
I don't want his disgusting breath weezing all over me.
I don't want his tight monkey grip on me.
I don't want his snoring
I want the bed to myself
I want my own space
I hate sharing a bed now...period
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I remember when I first separated, and divorced my exAH, then when I finally moved and bought MY own house. The bedroom became totally girl-i-fied, and was clean, smelled wonderful, and I could keep beautiful sheets and comforters and pillows on it. I never regretted my separation and divorce when I crawled into MY bed in MY bedroom in MY house at night. Maybe occasionally during the day I would feel sad for the past, but not when I crawled into bed!
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Originally Posted by wanting
I slept for many a night in the room with a very stinky drunk. When he started pi$$ing the bed 3 nights a week, I moved down to the basement. When he quit drinking (sort of), the bed was so saturated with pi$$ that it was sunken in on one side, so I stayed in the basement. When he left me, he told everyone, "We don't even sleep in the same bed!" I even just got an email from the person he left me for, and it's all about how abused he was by me, and how I wouldn't even sleep in the same bed with him.
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