gerryP

Wanted to mention Transform, though it's already been said...please don't mess with alcohol. It solves nothing, in fact at best it keeps you in a cyclone of emotion and unresolve.

Dreamer42long

That's an A-HA moment for me. Sex was always something my ABF always expected from me after one of his binges and I obliged. Until I finally started losing hope and didn't feel good about having sex with him anymore, that's when he said "Later for you..." ...makes a lot of sense.

Gypsy Feet

I know you well from these boards honey, but I cant remember if you are getting any outside assistance via therapy or al-anon. Your thread here tears me apart. I hope you consider working a 12 step program and learning how to let a higher power relieve you of your need of this man and his destructive drama. hugs

transformyself

I just want you guys to know i"M fine and am writing a response to all of this, it's just taking me awhile..

transformyself

Pelican:


Pelician- thank you, yes I see a pattern that concerns me as well, but it's not about alcohol and I can't relate on any level to the pattern you described. I forgot about the damn klonopin which is why half a glass of wine did that do me last night. Ugh.. Plus, I was exhausted anyway from the trigger.

If it helps, I’ll share with you that two of my best friends are recovering alcoholics, and one works in assessment for a local treatment center. He’s actually my ex husband of 23 years. We have a 24 year old son together.

He and I have talked over the years and he has offered his unsolicited assessment of me, mainly because he used to think anyone who drank was an alcoholic, or he did until about ten years ago. He’s been sober for over 25 years.

He has declared my drinking and occasional pot smoking “social drinking and using.” He says it use to really **** him off because he knows he can’t do what I do, because I’m not obsessed with it and do not binge or use to excess. Anyway, all of these are his unsolicited observations because he watches and monitors others (kinda creepy I know) but it has been interesting.

What he has focused on is my marriage to AH. He was very verbal, bossy even, and openly upset with my staying with AH, told me repeatedly that he is an A and you have to get away from that guy. That I was in an abusive marriage and needed to break free of it. He was right but I didn’t know how to get out.

Pelican, knowing what I know about alcohohics, and the nightmare you've described, I’m amazed and proud of you to be sober. I didn’t know you were. I thought you were just a codie.

Anyway, I understand your concern. It makes sense, after all this is website is called Sober Recover .

transformyself

My nightmare is different, but I know what it is and it’s PTSD. And my pattern is: doing quite well, being productive, moving forward with detaching and then slamming into triggers. You guys got a ringside seat at what they look like. It's run my life for so long, I"m not going to beat myself up about it, just sort out how to get it under control.

I guess I'll succumb to being "the PTSD poster child of SR." It's not like its a secret anyway, but I'm living it out in full color on these pages, which is very helpful in determining how to treat it. How to beat it. I also realized I have a responsibility to explain it to you kind people after I take you on that scary ride with me.

Here's a clip from the Mayo clinics segment about PTSD that explains what happened to me yesterday. The full clip is pasted at the bottom.
If I haven't caught it (the trigger) on time to take and cap it off with the anti anxiety meds, I will: shake, cry uncontrollably, have repetitive thoughts that I can't get out of my head and basically not be able to function. It's hard to admit, even harder to fix, but it's happened about twice now in one month and I have to get it under control.

I have to find a free clinic to address the PTSD because that's what this is-triggers that send me INSANE. I am slammed right back into the past, everything that happenned in the past is happenning now. I relieve the nightmare.

Part of the ptsd is being lied to for so long, so I convince myself that I need to know the truth in order to not be taken advantage of--but for chrissake-I'm already free of this man and his madness! I was already deep in the trigger by the time I badgered him for an answer. It was too late.

It might be time to get on some type of regular meds rather than trust myself to take the half a clonopin when I know i'm escalating. That's what they wanted me to do last summer, but I didn't want to. Taking pharacueticals every day totally freaks me out.

After yesterday though, I realize I can’t afford not to. I do not want that in my life! Not once! I have to be present and sane for my kids and myself. In fact, I think being an alcoholic would be easier than going on these ptsd trigger-binges.

Detaching is what gives me the weeks at a time of relative sanity. I learned here that he is my drug and when I engage, I have these scary triggers. I think it's different than regular codependant addiction to an alchoholic, because of the PTSD but i don't know for sure.

But I already knew that his contact with her triggers me, it’s been going on since april 2008.

So, simply put:

AH has an affair, not just a one night stand (cause he’d has those as well and they totally jacked me up) but a full blown emotional and physical affair with a woman he tells me is the love of his life.

Then, while we’re separated and he’s living it up parading around town with this woman, he also came over every day asking if I was okay, showing me more compassion and love than he had every really.

I filed for divorce and instead, agree to him coming home so we can “be together forever.” Bought it. With all my heart.

When he came home, he knew that contact with her would make me hysterical, but instead of seeing it as something he should do to help me, respect me and heal our marriage, he saw it as a challenge. As me trying to control him. He helped her move out of their apartment together, spent hours in that apartment giving her “closure” and then told me later he never explained anything to her and she didn’t deserve the way he treated her. What a mind f***.

He knew what it did to me and HE DIDN’T CARE. He has seen and lived with my PTSD from this, I have educated him about it, I have cried and begged and only when I threatened to leave him did he agree to not have contact with her. But then he would sneak out or blatently defy me and announce, “you can’t control me” and tell me he was going to see her anyway.

OMG I just realized that when we lived together, I was triggered for days, sometimes weeks like I was yesterday. That’s right..I lived my life in that state of anxiety and hysteria. Crying. That’s when he told me he was going to kill me if I didn’t stop crying, after he went to see her and I couldn’t stop.

Well, believe it or not guys, this two week at at time reprive and sanity followed by a melt down is progress. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true.

And today, thank God, I do not feel angry at myself for staying so long. I was immobilized by this disease, by my anxiety disorder nightmare. All I wanted was for him to stop. That's what I thought would heal me. Now I know, thank good nes, that I have to heal myself from being away from him.

I didn’t even focus on the drinking so much, until this last July, my focus was only on this other woman, choosing to believe that if my husband would stop seeing her and we could be happy together. Then raging at him when he would talk to her and go to see her. Only this last time I actually left. I am so grateful for that.

I really have compassion for myself today. I wasn’t abusing myself, I was trying to get out of that unyielding pain. I was trying the only way I knew how. But it didn’t’ and will never work, to rely on him to be truthful or honorable. Because of part B-- He’s an active, downward spirialing alcoholic who may want to do the right thing, but cannot. And it is desperately important to my sanity that I cut him out of my life. I’d say I’m endangerouing myself in not doing it.

That’s what you guys have given me. Understanding about alcoholism and my addiction to the alcoholic. Until he started verbally abusing me and drinking so much that the kids were upset, I was totally focused on his affair.

And for me it’s a double whammy because this pattern is a replication of my childhood. My parents repeatedly offended against me, didn’t respect me, said they wouldn’t do anything to hurt me but then did over and over again. So of course I stayed, of course I kept believing that some day the abuse would stop. I was stuck in that childhood dream of lies.

Well, I think all that ended when I left AH. I was making a statement to myself and the world and our kids that our attempt to make a life together had failed. It was not healthy, not ever going to be healthy and I respected myself enough to get out.

Now it’s my job to keep myself safe. And my kids.

Lets see, last time I had a melt down, it was because he was calling me every day from work just as if we were still married and then I slept with him, then I asked him why we were so close but he didn’t want to go to counceling and get help (focusing on him again) and he raged about me about how he can’t live with me. That was fun. And I brought it all on myself, in a state of being triggered again. On the floor for the day.

And this episode yesterday I brought on myself as well. By asking him about talking to the affair partner AGAIN. My god I can’t believe I’m still stuck in this. But that’s aprt of it. I had a guy in my old group who regularly relived Viet Nam like it happened yesterday and was shocked by that. I’m in the same boat. Doesn’t matter how old the trauma is, it’s fresh as slippery bright red blood.

Well, I leave for the conference Wednesday but will start looking for a free clinic tomorrow. I need treatment and probably medication too. At least, in reviewing things, I can see how literally I was living in this madness when we lived together and even though it’s decreased in frequency, I’m ready to get rid of it all together.

By any means necessary.

wanting

Hi Transform. I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Sometimes I think I have PTSD too. AH's affair partner (my "friend" if you will recall) is moving back here to be with him. That has been completely devastating for me. She sent me an email about how horrible I am and how "abusive" I was during the marriage. A serious WTF moment for me. I spent some time trying to clue her in on the truth, spent some time trying to tell him he was making a big mistake, but it all comes down to...I have no control over this. Why torture myself trying to get them to "see the light"? And you have no control over what AH does. And I know you have PTSD, but you're basically asking for PTSD triggers! You're abusing yourself by talking to him, especially about this other person. About this other person (the one in my sitch), I have started to think about her moving here as a good thing. The only relationship they've had so far has been an exciting secret affair, and they've only seen (as Chris Rock says) their respective "representatives." Better that they move in together and figure it all out real quick. And until they do figure it out, he won't be here bothering me and messing with my mind. What are you worried about, if your AH starts seeing this other person again? I can see two positive outcomes. First, he'll stop bothering you and you can better move on, and second, they can get over each other quicker. Because you know there is no picket fence in their future.

tigger11

Interesting, Trans. It occurred to me reading your latest post that I went through PTSD in my last marriage. Dreams about driving into a lake with my children in the car and not being able to save them. Dreams about my XAH drinking and begging him not to, waking up crying, hurt and angry and so in the reality of the dream. Dreams of being chased for rape by my XAH, and that not too long ago, perhaps a year. Wow... as always Trans, your posts are honest, wonderful and helpful. Thank you! Be well. I'm praying for you.

gerryP

I'm relieved to read that you are going to begin treatment and look into medication for your PTSD Transform.

transformyself

Wanting, for a long time i regularly visited a site called surviving infidelity and I learned so much there about affairs. But not about alcoholism. their was a thread called "when your partner is an alcoholic" but I was so focused on my obsession with his affair that I didn't go there often.

I saw this lived out over and over again on those boards. when your husband, or wife, lies, cheats, gaslights, blame shifts and the whole affair is such a shock, you have triggers. Real ones.

so yeah, I say it's likely that folks like us, even without infidelity, spouses of alcoholic

wanting

Wow, I was on that site too. I still struggle reconciling the principles here and there.

transformyself

you were? that's fascinating.

I think that no one place can be the panacea for someone, with the exception of Bikram yoga for me. Truly. I think that part of the reason i freaked out Friday and Saturday is because I was on my cycle and didn't go. Crazy hormones and no yoga.

Also, just so I give you TMI this form of yoga is healing my endometriosis. ordinarily I cannot leave the house for three or four days when I have my cycle due to the severity. Have to take narcotics too. But after going 4 days a week for three weeks, this cycle is normal. It's amazing. I am healing my body. And didn't need those awful drugs.

But- no one place can heal everything for one person (except this form of yoga--for me). Here at SR we address our codependance but not PTSD or domestic violence. At SI we discussed affairs, but not the codependance, or other facets of others lives that need addressing.

wanting

That's awesome about the yoga. I've been really feeling a call to get into yoga.

If I recall correctly, at the SI forum, they really have a thing against the "codependency movement." They think it's destroying families.

Startingover2

****Raises her hand! I also was on SI for awhile during and after discovery of exah's affair. Its a good temporary place but I found myself staying too stuck in the cycle. Unless your spouse is remorseful and wants to change you benefit in the beginning but then its hard to move on. Small world.

I really identify with the PTSD. There are certain things that make me nearly go into panic attacks. Small things like when exah comes here and lays his phone on the table. I see it and get this almost sick feeling. When he was living her I would always keep tabs on where his phone was so I can sneak a peek. I have had vivid dreams of screaming and yelling at exah and OW.

transformyself

Are you kidding me, seeing AH looking at his phone really triggers me now too. I was fine, totally fine until Friday. Damn PTSD.

I also get a sick feeling when I think about snooping, and especially when I think about going back to . But it was necessary when we were attempting to reconcile. It gave me the truth.

One thing I learned from SI was that you can't reconcile with an active alcoholic. Lots of folks told me that, but I didn't want to hear it, not then at least.

Now I know and accept it.

I am a bit freaked out by going to the free mental health clinic. Can AH use that against me to say I'm an unfit parent? Subpena my shrink?

Pelican

FYI

SR has a section for Anxiety Disorders. You can find support from other members with PTSD and lots of helpful information in their sticky posts. Here's the link:


Anxiety Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

transformyself

Sweet! Thanks Pelican!