Feeling lost, hopeless, and terrified.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 4
Feeling lost, hopeless, and terrified.
I'm new here. Hi, all.
My mom is an alcoholic. She hasn't been a problem drinker for long, about a year, but in that year, the decline has been serious.
She always liked wine, occasionally, but never drank more than at social occasions. So, when she began drinking regularly, it was wine. First one glass a night, then two, you all know the progression. Eventually, she was drinking a gallon of Carlo Rossi every 2 1/2 days or so.
But it was only at night and was not yet affecting her life or health in obvious ways. It concerned me very much, but she brushed it off and I justified.
Fast forward to now: In the past few months, she has upgraded from wine to vodka and simply cannot control her drinking. She also denied it perpetually. One night last month, she drove home blacked out and behaved in ways I could never have imagined seeing my mother. After this, she felt ashamed and frightened, and agreed to a detox program given to her as an ultimatum from her job.
For the first time, she admitted she had a problem and seemed earnest in wanting to change. However, despite her completion of the detox program, she was still fired, and began drinking again right away. Back to denying it, but still admitting she's an alcoholic. She has only admitted to one slip-up, but I know there have been at least 4 in the past week.
I feel like some part of her desperately does want to change, but why is she still lying about her drinking if she does? Why can't she just say, "I want to stop but I don't know how?"
I may sound naive, and perhaps, I am, but I am just overwhelmed. I love her so very much and want to see her get better, but I am so, so afraid.
She doesn't want to go to AA because she feels uncomfortable. I held out hope she would see a psychiatrist, at least, but after she lost her job, she lost her health insurance.
I know you can't force someone into recovery, but what I don't understand is this flip-flopping behavior. On one hand, she's now open about the fact that she is an alcoholic and want to change, but still drinking and doing what she can to hide and deny. Why hide if she wants help?
My mom is an alcoholic. She hasn't been a problem drinker for long, about a year, but in that year, the decline has been serious.
She always liked wine, occasionally, but never drank more than at social occasions. So, when she began drinking regularly, it was wine. First one glass a night, then two, you all know the progression. Eventually, she was drinking a gallon of Carlo Rossi every 2 1/2 days or so.
But it was only at night and was not yet affecting her life or health in obvious ways. It concerned me very much, but she brushed it off and I justified.
Fast forward to now: In the past few months, she has upgraded from wine to vodka and simply cannot control her drinking. She also denied it perpetually. One night last month, she drove home blacked out and behaved in ways I could never have imagined seeing my mother. After this, she felt ashamed and frightened, and agreed to a detox program given to her as an ultimatum from her job.
For the first time, she admitted she had a problem and seemed earnest in wanting to change. However, despite her completion of the detox program, she was still fired, and began drinking again right away. Back to denying it, but still admitting she's an alcoholic. She has only admitted to one slip-up, but I know there have been at least 4 in the past week.
I feel like some part of her desperately does want to change, but why is she still lying about her drinking if she does? Why can't she just say, "I want to stop but I don't know how?"
I may sound naive, and perhaps, I am, but I am just overwhelmed. I love her so very much and want to see her get better, but I am so, so afraid.
She doesn't want to go to AA because she feels uncomfortable. I held out hope she would see a psychiatrist, at least, but after she lost her job, she lost her health insurance.
I know you can't force someone into recovery, but what I don't understand is this flip-flopping behavior. On one hand, she's now open about the fact that she is an alcoholic and want to change, but still drinking and doing what she can to hide and deny. Why hide if she wants help?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi ms. mandee-
firstly, welcome to SR.
alcoholics hide because they want booze, not because they want help.
you are correct, we can not force them to stop drinking. it's their choice.
most alcoholics need to hit bottom, prior to seeking help. your mom obviously hasn't hit bottom yet.
i know it is difficult to watch and witness, but right now, the best thing you can do is get educated and get some support for yourself. many of us here go to alanon to help us.
in my opinion, forced detox doesn't equal voluntary recovery work, as done in AA via the 12 steps.
it's hard to realize that the best thing we can do is step aside and let them get on with their drinking. there is help for you mom in AA, but she doesn't appear to want it right now.
if someone is serious about getting sober, they would grab onto the AA program with both hands. many feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but their desire to get sober and the pain of continuing to drink overrules their initial discomfort.
she's not at that stage yet. but it appears you are able to reach out and ask for help.
the best thing you can do now is focus on yourself and your own life.
one of the motto's of AA is "live and let live"...hard to do but critical for your emotional and spiritual health.
naive
firstly, welcome to SR.
Why hide if she wants help?
you are correct, we can not force them to stop drinking. it's their choice.
most alcoholics need to hit bottom, prior to seeking help. your mom obviously hasn't hit bottom yet.
i know it is difficult to watch and witness, but right now, the best thing you can do is get educated and get some support for yourself. many of us here go to alanon to help us.
in my opinion, forced detox doesn't equal voluntary recovery work, as done in AA via the 12 steps.
it's hard to realize that the best thing we can do is step aside and let them get on with their drinking. there is help for you mom in AA, but she doesn't appear to want it right now.
if someone is serious about getting sober, they would grab onto the AA program with both hands. many feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but their desire to get sober and the pain of continuing to drink overrules their initial discomfort.
she's not at that stage yet. but it appears you are able to reach out and ask for help.
the best thing you can do now is focus on yourself and your own life.
one of the motto's of AA is "live and let live"...hard to do but critical for your emotional and spiritual health.
naive
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Hi Ms. Mandee... I'm new here myself, and know how much pain you're in. Please feel warmly welcomed here. These people will care for you in a way you've likely never experienced. For those of us who are hurting and reaching out, this is an oasis in the desert. You belong here. Stay, read, soak up the support and help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 4
Thank you for the welcomes. They made me smile at a time in my life when smiles have been drowned out by tears all too often.
To naive, thanks for the feedback. In my heart, I feel the same way, as far as agreeing with all you've said. But isn't it possible that there is at least a part of her who wants to change, though she may not be entirely ready to?
I had really hoped that the stunt she pulled was going to be her bottom, and it seemed to be that way, at least for a week or two. To her credit, though, the detox wasn't forced but it was coerced, I guess you could say. She was given the option as an ultimatum, I believe. But she also could have refused to go altogether, so I took her willingness as a willingness to change.
She actually detoxed for about 3 days before entering the facility. I was home with her and know by how sick she was that she was not drinking. Her withdrawals weren't terrible, but she was shaking, sweating, exhausted, and very nauseated.
I found her resolve to be reassuring - after all, she could have said, "Forget it," and went right on back to drinking. But I do believe the depression of being fired ANYWAY set her back quite a bit.
I'm rambling, but that's how I see it.
To naive, thanks for the feedback. In my heart, I feel the same way, as far as agreeing with all you've said. But isn't it possible that there is at least a part of her who wants to change, though she may not be entirely ready to?
I had really hoped that the stunt she pulled was going to be her bottom, and it seemed to be that way, at least for a week or two. To her credit, though, the detox wasn't forced but it was coerced, I guess you could say. She was given the option as an ultimatum, I believe. But she also could have refused to go altogether, so I took her willingness as a willingness to change.
She actually detoxed for about 3 days before entering the facility. I was home with her and know by how sick she was that she was not drinking. Her withdrawals weren't terrible, but she was shaking, sweating, exhausted, and very nauseated.
I found her resolve to be reassuring - after all, she could have said, "Forget it," and went right on back to drinking. But I do believe the depression of being fired ANYWAY set her back quite a bit.
I'm rambling, but that's how I see it.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Welcome Mandee - I'm curious as to how old you are. The avenues for help are a bit different depending on whether you're an adult or not.
Do you live with your Mother?
Unfortunately, you can't fix her...she has to do it herself.
Do you live with your Mother?
Unfortunately, you can't fix her...she has to do it herself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 4
My story is a bit complicated. I am an adult (20-years-old, student in college), however, my copedendancy is compounded by the fact that I have panic disorder which has gotten increasingly severe over the last several months. So bad that I can hardly manage to go outside. My mom has ALWAYS been my support system. And now, she just can't be. So, my own depression and fear has been worsened by the fact that I feel completely stranded and alone.
Sounds pitiful, huh?
Sounds pitiful, huh?
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
No, you don't sound pitiful. LOL. I can bet you some pathetic and raise you some super pitiful stories, trust me 
Okay...well, there isn't much you can do for your Mom, as you already knew. There is however a lot you can do for you. Do you have access to the clinic on campus? Free counseling?
Okay...well, there isn't much you can do for your Mom, as you already knew. There is however a lot you can do for you. Do you have access to the clinic on campus? Free counseling?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Mandee and welcome to the recovery family!
I'm sorry that you are having to witness your mother's battle with addiction on a daily basis. I know from watching my spouse battle with his addiction to alcohol that it breaks your heart to watch them continue to drink over and over.
I also know what it is like to be the alcoholic. I'm known as Pelican and I'm a recovering alcoholic. Your mother may know in her heart that she has a problem with alcohol. She may know that she needs to stop drinking. However, her body, mind and soul are addicted to the alcohol. It is cunning and baffling. It calls out to you, you crave it, you desire it, you justify it over and over again. Your head keeps telling you can handle it, you can stop later, just one more day.....
It's like having cheesecake in the fridge and being on a diet. You know it's there. You think about it all day long. You know you don't need it, you just want it sooo badly. You can't focus on the fresh fruit, yogurt and sorbet, because the cheesecake is still there, waiting. So you justify the binge on cheesecake and eat the cheesecake, and while you're still swallowing it down - you start thinking about how you can get another slice. That's how my addiction to alcohol worked, it called out to me.
There is a terrific book about how the body becomes addicted to alcohol. It is called "Under the Influence". We have a link here at SR to excerpts from that book. Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
This may help you understand that chemically your mother is completely addicted to the alcohol. She may want to stop, but until she is ready to admit that she is powerless over alcohol and that her life has become unmanageable, she will continue to suffer with feeding the addiction.
I had to reach the point of surrender. I admitted I was not in control - alcohol was in control of me. Until I reached that point, no one could make me stop and stay stopped. I had to get there myself.
Please take care of yourself Mandee. You are a young lady with a life full of opportunity. Continue to reach out here and through your community for help for yourself. You're worth the effort!
I'm sorry that you are having to witness your mother's battle with addiction on a daily basis. I know from watching my spouse battle with his addiction to alcohol that it breaks your heart to watch them continue to drink over and over.
I also know what it is like to be the alcoholic. I'm known as Pelican and I'm a recovering alcoholic. Your mother may know in her heart that she has a problem with alcohol. She may know that she needs to stop drinking. However, her body, mind and soul are addicted to the alcohol. It is cunning and baffling. It calls out to you, you crave it, you desire it, you justify it over and over again. Your head keeps telling you can handle it, you can stop later, just one more day.....
It's like having cheesecake in the fridge and being on a diet. You know it's there. You think about it all day long. You know you don't need it, you just want it sooo badly. You can't focus on the fresh fruit, yogurt and sorbet, because the cheesecake is still there, waiting. So you justify the binge on cheesecake and eat the cheesecake, and while you're still swallowing it down - you start thinking about how you can get another slice. That's how my addiction to alcohol worked, it called out to me.
There is a terrific book about how the body becomes addicted to alcohol. It is called "Under the Influence". We have a link here at SR to excerpts from that book. Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
This may help you understand that chemically your mother is completely addicted to the alcohol. She may want to stop, but until she is ready to admit that she is powerless over alcohol and that her life has become unmanageable, she will continue to suffer with feeding the addiction.
I had to reach the point of surrender. I admitted I was not in control - alcohol was in control of me. Until I reached that point, no one could make me stop and stay stopped. I had to get there myself.
Please take care of yourself Mandee. You are a young lady with a life full of opportunity. Continue to reach out here and through your community for help for yourself. You're worth the effort!
Last edited by Pelican; 11-06-2009 at 06:29 PM.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 63
Being 20 is hard enough without having to worry about your support system falling into a vodka bottle. I can't promise you your mom willl get better but I can tell you that your life will. I'm glad to hear you're in college. Focusing on getting your education is probably one of the best things you could possibly do. Life is rarely perfect but it does get better. Be really kind and gentle with yourself. Make things as easy for yourself as possible so you can focus on your classes.
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