onlychild101

Hi there! I'm in great need of advice. My father has been clean and sober for about a year and a half now. My parents have been divorced for 7 years. Sunday is my dad's 50th birthday and he has given me the heads up that he will be bringing his 23 year old "fling" to dinner and has asked for my acceptance. Oh boy how I WISH I could give it away as simply as that. I understand that the SOONER I get into acceptance about this, the SOONER this pain and anger goes away. I understand that this is my father's life AND I don't want to meet her, especially if it's not serious. It's my dad's big day and I'm so afraid that I will start balling on a dime and make this about me. The thought of having to speak to this GIRL makes me want to VOMIT. I'm afraid that If I show up OR don't show up, either way it's gonna suck. UGH. Please make this go away.

LaTeeDa

It sounds like you are very angry at your dad. And maybe it's easier to project that anger onto the woman he's seeing than be mad at him.

Dehumanizing her by calling her a "fling" is not going to make acceptance any easier. She is a human being, you are a human being, and your father is a human being.

If you don't want to go, then don't go. It's your life and your choice. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

L

Jazzman

This looks like a great opportunity to demonstrate you have the maturity to NOT make it all about you. Uncomfortable mixed family moments are a part of life. We learn to handle them with dignity. You can do this

naive

if you choose to go, why not go with an open mind? perhaps she's even a nice person.

can you verbalize what you are angry about? sometimes, that is half the battle.

for example, (i'm making this up...)

"i am angry because i think it is inappropriate for my 50 year old dad to go out with a 23 year old."

"i am feel like vomiting because i feel he's abandoned my mother for a younger woman..."

or whatever the circumstances are...

if we can identify why we are upset, it helps us stand back and look at the situation more objectively, and perhaps step back from our emotions a bit and see things in a different light.

by the way, if you feel comfortable telling us, how old are you?

laurie6781

Some GREAT advice above!

Something else that may help you a lot is this. Your dad may be turning 50 years old chronologically, however, he stopped maturing emotionally when his drinking turned alcoholic, thus ................................ with him fairly early in sobriety yet, they may be about the same age emotionally.

When I got sober at age 36 I was literally at about 14 or 15 emotionally and picked my friends who were in a similar way. As I continued to grow and change throughout my recovery from addiction so did my friends and today at the chronological age of 64 my friends are mostly where I am.

You also have the 'choice' not to go. If you feel that you could not be a pleasant companion it might be better not to go at this time. If you feel you can give dad a hug and be cordial to the lady friend then go.

J M H O

Hope that helps a bit.

Love and hugs,

Learn2Live

onlychild101, Sweetheart,

I don't know where you are in your life or in your recovery; I don't know how old you are; I don't know the whole story (obviously) but this is one of those occasions that life brings you that creates the BEST opportunities for your own growth. This man may be your Dad, and I'm sure you still see him as Your Dad, but he is a person. It was very difficult for me to learn this lesson and get to this same point in my life too. I was in my thirties before this lesson came to me. And yes, my Dad is an alcoholic.

I say go to that birthday party and watch your father and see him as the PERSON he is. Be brave enough to treat this woman with grace and dignity. If the tears come, let them come. And if anyone asks why you are crying, tell them whatever comes to mind. Or just tell 'em you are "Happy to be alive and witnessing this moment."

Girl, you are just worried about LIFE. Don't worry; all the things life brings comes and goes. This is the stuff you look back on two years later and feel pride and self-esteem about having accomplished.

Try not to make this "I'm doing this for my Dad" or "I'm doing this because it's his birthday" or whatever nonsense. Do this for YOU, the WOMAN that you are, and the woman that you are to become.

All she is is a woman too. Start seeing people that way.

You can do this!

onlychild101

Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm 27 years old and:

"i am angry because I feel that he is taking advantage of her."
And, yes, I understand that she is of age...
I'm sure she's a nice person. Really, I believe that.

"I am angry because my dad told me this is nothing serious....so I'm angry because he's with her for sex..."
I'm not sure why that makes me so angry

"i am angry because I feel like my dad is just getting on with his life while my mom and I are having a tremendously difficult time..."
These are just my feelings.

Ugh. Lots of feelings. Thank you!

ElegantlyWasted

Yeah... Off hand it grosses me out too. My gf is 47, Im 37. Not that big of a difference at our age; but it was a little awkward meeting her 20 year old son the first time. You've got the right approach, try to be open minded and relate to her as an individual. They are consensual adults, though the age difference is a little extreem. Just try to be generous for the occasion. If you have concerns about dad being used (or vice versa) know that there is a better time and way to communicate that to him. Hopefully they are having fun and have an honest meeting of the minds about what's going on.

LaTeeDa

Would it make you less angry if he was serious about a long-term relationship with her? Have you considered that maybe he just told you this because he thought it would be less hurtful to you than admitting he just might be crazy about her?

My children are much younger than you, but when I first started dating the man I am dating now, I didn't tell them the extent of my feelings for him because I didn't want them to think that their father was "easily replaceable." I knew they were hurting already because of the divorce and thought maybe my finding someone I cared about might just hurt them more. I don't know if it was the right or wrong thing to do, but it seemed right at the time.

L

Learn2Live

Thanks for sharing those things OnlyChild. It takes a lot of courage to admit those kinds of things. I'm glad you have gotten to this point in your life.

I have extreme issues with anger so I can totally relate to what you are going thru. I have learned a lot about my anger by disciplining myself to try to step back from my feelings (NOT stuff or numb my feelings, but step outside of them) and examine what is going on with me that is causing the anger. I have learned that personally, it is when I think I WANT or NEED something from someone else that I become angry. My anger also causes me to behave in ways that I do not like to behave. I treat others poorly and act like a raging lunatic child when I let my anger get the best of me.

I see another opportunity in this for you because your anger is confined to your family. You can practice the things you learn in your work on your anger, with the confidence that they will always love you and care about you, even if you wind up acting like a baby.

TakingCharge999

Hi onlychild, I am also 27 ! and I too met my father's new partner after my parents divorced... although there was not so much of an age difference.

I get the hurt though.

One thing is to make an effort to overcome personal family stuff for the sake of someone's birthday, wedding, etc..... and another one is putting yourself there, when you are still in so much pain, facing important changes and would not even enjoy the event.

I guess if it was me... I would ask my dad to celebrate him, some other day... just the two of us...

I was angry with him and his partner for 20 years... it is not worth it. My therapist told me to talk more with my father, it did not have to be about emotional deep stuff (I had to accept he just does not see life that way and I am not going to change him), just to know him as a person, as a friend... music, books, how he lived the 60s, etc. etc... that is what helped me the most.

I am just starting to heal from that one, I hope it does not take you that many miserable years.

In my dad's case, he married that woman and they have been happily married for 20 years.

Remember love between father and daughter is very special and a bond no one can break. It is not use for a woman to turn against another woman. If your dad is just using her it is his problem. And probably her problem. But it is not your romantic relation.

Judgment and criticism only ended up hurting me and its not worth it either.

I hope you find a way to celebrate your dad, after all without him you wouldn't be here on this precious Earth. Building good memories one and one has been the most healing way for me to move on.

Then attending those events, being civil or even nice with this woman or anyone else will come effortlessly, organically.

You will no longer see a menace in her or anyone to take your dad's love away from you. You will feel it was, is and will always be with you. There is abundance in his heart just as there is in yours.

Just my two cents... it is your decision to go or not to go at this time.

When in doubts I ask myself "what would give ME more peace at this time?" Never fails.

I agree with the above poster, don't do this for him, or to demonstrate anything, you do not need to demonstrate anything to anyone. Your healing and well being always come first.

Hugs!!


PS Anger, I have bottled it all the time, can you grab a RED notebook and write there all you feel ?? ALL? no censorship? then burn the papers?? this helps me TONS because most of the time I have felt no one cares or my feelings are not valid. This is a way to validate them... also, karate, self defense, running or just ANY sport help too. Get it out. You are worth it !

justtired

Hi Only ~ I can relate to what you're going through. My parents got divorced when I was in college. My mom went through this weird wild streak where she was going out all the time etc. She is not an A, but was behaving in a way I thought inappropriate for her age. And there my dad sat at home while she was out partying it up with her "boy toy". I understand the anger, believe me! Anyway, I went out one night in the town I lived in (over 150 miles away from where she lived) and there she was with her "fling". He was part of the band that was playing there! Wow was that an extremely awkward night. I'm glad that he has told you that she will be there so you can prepare yourself if you choose to go. She very well may be a very nice person and their relationship very well may be done and over 6 months a year (whatever) from now and it will just be a bump in the road. Hopefully there will be plenty of people there who you can visit with to keep yourself occupied if it does turn out to be uncomfortable. Good luck!

BuffaloGal

Well... people are what they are, huh-- it's terrible when your parents teach you by example what you should never do, and why. My dad's not an alcoholic, but he's as bizarre about male/female relationships as if he were. This is a man who once told me that he thought the majority of men treat women a whole lot worse than the majority of women treat men. Maybe so, maybe not... but I think what really makes him uncomfortable is not male behavior in general, but his behavior in particular, and he's not ready to look at that.

I got angry with him when he started dating women my age recently... he went through all the ones of appropriate age in his hometown already... but really, underneath the anger was disappointment. I've been waiting for him to grow up about relationships for 30 years now-- I resent that I could tell when he was behaving stupidly when I was all of, oh, 13.

I want him to be the adult for a change. I am tired of feeling like the worst model I can look to is the person whose job it is to demonstrate what I should do... and what a man should be.

He is well over 60. It isn't going to happen. I love him, but this is one area where he's not going to stop falling down. "Your dad is awfully afraid of something, and I was never sure exactly what it was," his ex fiancee told me.

So, I understand smiling and putting a good face on, and really liking the new partner as a person... but still being angry at one's parent for being a jerk. It's ok. (At the same time, I wonder what my daughter is going to judge me most harshly about, when she's grown.) I believe that 9 out of 10 times, people who are doing wildly foolish things would act differently, if they knew how-- and I'm included in this assessment. But everybody has some area where they just can't do any better.

tjp613

Live and Let Live.