wanting

Why do thoughts and feelings of superiority constantly run through my head? Why does it feel so good to feel superior to STBX and the OW? How do I stop these trains of thought? If I really stop and think about it, we are all just people. Why do their "sins" feel worse than mine? It is making me miserable to have these thoughts constantly running through my head. I just want to live and let live, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head.

Can you please share your experience with how you have stopped these thoughts? Is it something you ask your HP to take away? Is it something that can be corrected by habit?

I hope this post makes sense. I am feeling really crazy with resentment after getting a series of really hurtful emails from the OW.

LaTeeDa

Wow! Congratulations on this realization. It's not easy to face up to the ickier parts of our own psyche. I had a lot of icky stuff to deal with such as this, but much better to shine the light on it than let it continue to grow and fester in the dark.

I think for me, it is helpful to look at these things as just one side of the coin. I've found that many things in life are paradoxical. So, on the one hand, I get a feeling of superiority over the alcoholic. But, what's the other side of the coin? For me, it was fear of failure, of not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or whatever. So, I was using his faults to excuse what I perceived as my own faults.

As it turns out, my own faults were not nearly as awful as my perception of them was. The truth is everyone has their faults. My fear of admitting them was much more painful than actually having them.

L

sailorjohn

Something I said on a few occasions-maybe more than a few-the caexgf would scold "Oh, you think you're so much better than me" and my thought, which I replied with, was that if I thought I was 'so much better' than she, why was I involved with her? A truly 'better' or more correctly, healthier person would have walked away long before I did.

We have matching illnesses, the only advantage I might have is the ability to think with a mind that isn't clouded by alcohol or drugs, and it wasn't that big an advantage, as it turned out!

Laverene

For me it helped to minimize the pain of our breakup and protected me from doing something stupid (trying to go back).

Focusing on the fact that I was a better person, so to speak, and by this thought process believing I was better off without him allowed me the strength to stay away.

Once that purpose was achieved, and it became clear that the danger of going back was truly over, I had to mourn the loss of the relationship. Even though the relationship had far more negatives than positives, it was still a loss. That took me a long time to swallow. I thought if it was so awful then I should just be happy to be out. That I shouldn't be hurt that he cheated, she did me a favor, blah, blah, blah. I was fighting the simple truth that I was terribly hurt. Once I took away my defenses and allowed myself to mourn and feel the hurt without disclaimers, I didn't need those superiority thoughts to protect myself from the pain anymore because I had moved on.

wanting

Thank you for the replies. I can see that underneath the superiority is fear and pain. Fear of being unloveable, the pain of rejection and abandonment. These are all my biggest issues (stemming from being abandoned by my AF when I was a small child), that have been thrown in my face in the past year in so many ways, I can't even describe it. My marriage/divorce, my work, parenting - all of these areas have been laced with these issues in some way. It's like, "The Year Wanting Was Forced to Face Her Problems and Finally Heal."

naive

i do understand and have been guilty of the same thing myself. it was much easier to think of the other woman as a ***** and a liar

then to admit she was quite nice albeit quite confused person.

at the end of the day, we are only responsible for our own thoughts and actions. in my mind, that is between me and my HP and no one else.

when i look at both (xABF and OW) behavior, i can see that it is booze-fueled, selfish, fearful, insecure, and emotionally childish. it is helpful for me to think of them as spiritual children who still apparently need to learn their lessons through the school of hard knocks.

few indeed are willing to face themselves as the brave people here do everyday. we are in the minority, in my opinion. it takes some courage. it takes pro-active soul-seeking and reflection, which requires a certain emotional maturity.

i don't feel superior to them but i am different than them.

perhaps it was best said "don't worry about the splinter in your brother's eye when there is a log in your own."

what that means to me is that i need to focus on my own defects of character and the best way to do that is in the mirror of relationships. each difficulty provides the gift of self growth.

i can only be responsible for my own choices. it doesn't make me better than anyone else, all it means is that i am at the helm of my own ship in the sea of life.

intheknow

I had a child very young. I was abandoned by that person, and then met my husband and he adopted my daughter.

His mom said something to me early in our relationship that I wish I would have listened to. She and her friend were talking about me, and the friend was saying what a nice girl I was, and how smart, caring...I was.

And his mom said "Well, I truly wondered just how nice of a girl you could be, since you had a baby and all."

Hindsight is 20/20. She thought then that her son deserved better. I should have walked away long before I did. This woman has done alot to try to destroy our relationship over the years, and I always thought she would see that he was happy and change her ways. I just realized how much he has lied to her and manipulated his relationship with her - so she would always side with him. In fact, she is still making excuses for his behavior right now.

There have been many times in our marriage that he thought he was better, that I thought I was better - and the truth is neither one of us was better, we were both sick. He was the alcoholic, I was the co-dependent.