I'm serious
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 93
I'm serious
Got home last night with DD to find AH laying in bed (as usual). He hasn't showered in 3 days and reeks of liquor...among other things. Yuck.
Anyway...watching him stumble from the living room to our bedroom and after I got our daughter down for bed I decided to have another talk. I went in and reminded him how a few weeks ago he said he'd get help when he was done with 'x'. Well, 'x' is done so are you going to go and get help now? No...now I have to do 'y'. So, I told him there will always be an excuse. I said, I'm not happy, you're not happy, you look horrible, you stink, you can't even walk from one room to another without losing your balance. I can't handle it anymore. You are not the person I married. Then I said it..."I want a divorce".
I told him if he chooses to get help and come back to us great...I want nothing more than for us to be a family but I can't live like this anymore. He said he understood and we should just start selling our things and move on. (Hmmmm...I thought. This is TOO easy). I told him that I know he doesn't think I'm serious but I am. I have an appt to meet with an attorney tomorrow (now today) at noon and I'm going to follow through. Again, he said 'you have to do what you have to do'.
He of course called this morning for something stupid and is being EXTREMELY nice. Yeah..I know that game. So then shaking I asked...."Do you remember our conversation last night?". "Yes" he replied. "OK...I just wanted to make sure because I want you to know that I'm serious". "OooKKaay" he says.
OK you guys...I HAVE to do this right? I CAN do this right? It's not like it's the end of the world for pete's sake. It's a divorce and it happens every day! If I follow through and hopefully it will be his bottom. I can't tell you how many times before I thought he hit it but I was wrong. I want to support him in any way I can after all, I do still love him I just can't be married to 'that' anymore.
So, in 3 hours I'll be meeting with my attorney to get paperwork finalized and hopefully serve him next week. Holy cow...really?? Any words of wisdom from those of you who have broken through the barrier?
Seriously...think I'm gonna barf.
Anyway...watching him stumble from the living room to our bedroom and after I got our daughter down for bed I decided to have another talk. I went in and reminded him how a few weeks ago he said he'd get help when he was done with 'x'. Well, 'x' is done so are you going to go and get help now? No...now I have to do 'y'. So, I told him there will always be an excuse. I said, I'm not happy, you're not happy, you look horrible, you stink, you can't even walk from one room to another without losing your balance. I can't handle it anymore. You are not the person I married. Then I said it..."I want a divorce".
I told him if he chooses to get help and come back to us great...I want nothing more than for us to be a family but I can't live like this anymore. He said he understood and we should just start selling our things and move on. (Hmmmm...I thought. This is TOO easy). I told him that I know he doesn't think I'm serious but I am. I have an appt to meet with an attorney tomorrow (now today) at noon and I'm going to follow through. Again, he said 'you have to do what you have to do'.
He of course called this morning for something stupid and is being EXTREMELY nice. Yeah..I know that game. So then shaking I asked...."Do you remember our conversation last night?". "Yes" he replied. "OK...I just wanted to make sure because I want you to know that I'm serious". "OooKKaay" he says.
OK you guys...I HAVE to do this right? I CAN do this right? It's not like it's the end of the world for pete's sake. It's a divorce and it happens every day! If I follow through and hopefully it will be his bottom. I can't tell you how many times before I thought he hit it but I was wrong. I want to support him in any way I can after all, I do still love him I just can't be married to 'that' anymore.
So, in 3 hours I'll be meeting with my attorney to get paperwork finalized and hopefully serve him next week. Holy cow...really?? Any words of wisdom from those of you who have broken through the barrier?
Seriously...think I'm gonna barf.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
I can't tell you what you need to do today. But I can see your pain and desperation of the past and your fear of the future. All I can tell you is do what is right in your heart. Not what you think you have to do or should do or can do.
Make the decision and then go through with it. Either way. Make it a step into your future, a step into the direction you want to go in, a step to what you need and what is right for you. Either way and no matter what decision you make. Do what is right for you. Make it about yourself.
Sorry this might not help. But you alone have to take the next few steps.
Make the decision and then go through with it. Either way. Make it a step into your future, a step into the direction you want to go in, a step to what you need and what is right for you. Either way and no matter what decision you make. Do what is right for you. Make it about yourself.
Sorry this might not help. But you alone have to take the next few steps.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Transform has a thread in this forum titled "Testament"......it might be just what you need right now!
Hang tight. It is scary. It hurts. That does not mean that this is not a positive change.
Because you are exactly right: nothing changes if nothing changes. You could be doing this very same rollercoaster, different day, same stuff...except it is progressive and it only gets worse in 5, 10, 20 years.
Hang tight. It is scary. It hurts. That does not mean that this is not a positive change.
Because you are exactly right: nothing changes if nothing changes. You could be doing this very same rollercoaster, different day, same stuff...except it is progressive and it only gets worse in 5, 10, 20 years.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I have just "broken through the barrier" (I've left but we're not divorced yet). Taking that step into the void was terrifying, but then again, staying in the depths of hell with my alcoholic husband was worse. I spent days agonizing over my decision, the right and the wrong of it, the repercussions, the effects, and then one day, perhaps as another gift from my HP, my alcoholic husband threatened me and then it clicked: "I need to get out before he eats my soul." Worse: "I need to get out before my daughter becomes like me."
And then I was gone. Threw stuff in boxes, packed clothing, borrowed a few mini-vans and left. Then I was at the lawyer's office two days later and now here I am, less than a week out of there, breathless, tired but believing more and more each day that I've done the right thing to save myself and my baby.
I don't believe in the traditional "god" concept, but these last few weeks have me believing in the notion of "jump and the net will appear". It sounds like you're ready to leap...
And then I was gone. Threw stuff in boxes, packed clothing, borrowed a few mini-vans and left. Then I was at the lawyer's office two days later and now here I am, less than a week out of there, breathless, tired but believing more and more each day that I've done the right thing to save myself and my baby.
I don't believe in the traditional "god" concept, but these last few weeks have me believing in the notion of "jump and the net will appear". It sounds like you're ready to leap...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 93
Transform has a thread in this forum titled "Testament"......it might be just what you need right now!
Totally what I needed. I cried but I printed it and am hanging it on my cubicle wall at work. Nice to find a friend in strangers.
Totally what I needed. I cried but I printed it and am hanging it on my cubicle wall at work. Nice to find a friend in strangers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
He is going to go up and down and up and down in this process. He'll be depressed to manic to angry to sweet and all the stops in between. You can and will stay firm, stay fair, and stay your course. If you remain focused and determined in doing what is healthy for you, your children, and as a biproduct for him, you can ride out whatever kind of road your course takes.
You can and probably will doubt your decision a million times and wonder if it's the right way to go. He'll do everything in his power to makes this happen more than likely.
Despite this, you can make a vow to yourself and to your children that this is the last time you will talk about divorce and change and wanting happiness only to let it slip through your fingers.
When you are here, you are not alone!! Hang in there!!
Alice
You can and probably will doubt your decision a million times and wonder if it's the right way to go. He'll do everything in his power to makes this happen more than likely.
Despite this, you can make a vow to yourself and to your children that this is the last time you will talk about divorce and change and wanting happiness only to let it slip through your fingers.
When you are here, you are not alone!! Hang in there!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Alice is so right about the bumpy ride ahead, but stay with SAVING you and your kids from more and worse in the future.
He is going to lose his comfy, always there, reliable YOU from his life, and be left with himself, and trust me, being stuck with only himself will give him the heebie jeebies.
Well there is help and support for him, but he will have to make an effort to get it, not lay around to be cared for by you and keep on doing what he has.
You have your life to live, so go live it.
God bless
He is going to lose his comfy, always there, reliable YOU from his life, and be left with himself, and trust me, being stuck with only himself will give him the heebie jeebies.
Well there is help and support for him, but he will have to make an effort to get it, not lay around to be cared for by you and keep on doing what he has.
You have your life to live, so go live it.
God bless
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I'll never forget the night I had M served with divorce papers. It sucked and I hated it. That was then this is now, and now I wish I did it a year sooner. I gave her ONE more chance than I should have and it cost me dearly.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be fine. It gets better, really it does.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be fine. It gets better, really it does.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 93
Thanks everyone....I sure am glad I found you all.
Back from the attorney and the MTA is final and ready to go. I really did try to be fair 1. because I do love him and don't want this to get ugly and 2. it isn't about money or I would have left him when we had some.
I'm glad I followed through with this first piece and on my way there I already felt a sense of relief. I'm hoping to 'hold his hand' and instead of having him served, give him a chance to pick them up at my attorney's office with me so we can review it together and he can ask questions. Potentially avoiding having him hire an attorney (seriously, I was MORE than fair). Yes, I'm the eternal optimist.
I'll keep reminding him this weekend that I was serious and how much I love him and hope he changes his mind. I know that if this goes through (and I'm sure it will) I too will wish I'd have done it sooner. If only we could foresee the future!
Thank you again everyone.
Back from the attorney and the MTA is final and ready to go. I really did try to be fair 1. because I do love him and don't want this to get ugly and 2. it isn't about money or I would have left him when we had some.
I'm glad I followed through with this first piece and on my way there I already felt a sense of relief. I'm hoping to 'hold his hand' and instead of having him served, give him a chance to pick them up at my attorney's office with me so we can review it together and he can ask questions. Potentially avoiding having him hire an attorney (seriously, I was MORE than fair). Yes, I'm the eternal optimist.
I'll keep reminding him this weekend that I was serious and how much I love him and hope he changes his mind. I know that if this goes through (and I'm sure it will) I too will wish I'd have done it sooner. If only we could foresee the future!
Thank you again everyone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Wait, I've probably been trying to follow too many threads at once, but you said -- "Hopefully changes his mind" -- on what?
Are you going to go through with the divorce papers or are you just preparing..
Either way good luck. I wish I was there yet, but I'm not quite.
Are you going to go through with the divorce papers or are you just preparing..
Either way good luck. I wish I was there yet, but I'm not quite.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I'll keep reminding him this weekend that I was serious and how much I love him and hope he changes his mind.
Are you still hoping deep down that your actions will have some sort of effect on his behavior? Please don't let this little weed grow and stifle the bloom you are trying to nurture. I want to whip out a garden tool and eradicate it for you.
It took me a long time to stop my wishful thinking, too. No matter how much I thought my focus was really on me moving forward with my life and letting my XABF deal with his addiction, I could still hear that sad little voice of mine calling from the hole where I stuffed her..."do you think he'll hit bottom now?" "I wonder if this will make him see how addicted he is?" "If you leave, he may just realize how much he's hurt you." "Hey, I'm down here, are you even listening any more???"
Squish that little voice into a jar for a bit and stick her next to the summer peaches in on the shelf. You can love him without wasting time on wondering if you can still effect change in him.
Alice
Are you still hoping deep down that your actions will have some sort of effect on his behavior? Please don't let this little weed grow and stifle the bloom you are trying to nurture. I want to whip out a garden tool and eradicate it for you.
It took me a long time to stop my wishful thinking, too. No matter how much I thought my focus was really on me moving forward with my life and letting my XABF deal with his addiction, I could still hear that sad little voice of mine calling from the hole where I stuffed her..."do you think he'll hit bottom now?" "I wonder if this will make him see how addicted he is?" "If you leave, he may just realize how much he's hurt you." "Hey, I'm down here, are you even listening any more???"
Squish that little voice into a jar for a bit and stick her next to the summer peaches in on the shelf. You can love him without wasting time on wondering if you can still effect change in him.
Alice
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Yep, I have to second what Alice said. You have made this decision and now is the time for you to look after yourself and your daughter....and that is all. You don't have to be "more than fair", just be "fair". Stop worrying about "supporting him any way you can" and focus on yourself now. If he is to recover it has to be by his own choice and in his own time. Wish him well but stay the course. (((Hugs)))
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