veryregretful

Good Morning All!!

My AH is verbally abusive and he's been gone 3 weeks and we have been together 20 years with 14 year old twins.

I bought the book Codependent No More and it's me. I'm a codie. I'll have to work on that.

My question is can I be a codie to my kids? I do get hurt feelings when my son says I'm annoying when I talk. It hurts so I try to be careful and not talk to much. I know they are only 14 and teenagers but they still have to respect me. I don't want to be a codie with them. So could I be if I don't help myself?

Also, if I'm codependent I must be an enabler also because I gave him a roof over his head and food and have allowed his behavior for years and took care of him.

Do codependent and enabler go hand in hand when you live with an alcoholic? I was in the alcoholism room and there was a post about whose your codie in your life and most of the people responded said noone. So if they weren't codependent wouldn't they be enablers because they are still with and active alcohlic?

I'm not quite understanding. Please have patience with me as he's only been gone 3 weeks and sort of new to posting and still have lots of questions. I want to work on myself and heal myself just in case I ever decide to get into another relationship I don't have the same behaviors.

My kids come first so I don't think I want to bring another man into the picture anyways. I'm 44 and if I'm destined to be alone then so be it. Way not ready right now anyways. I have no plans in the future.

How can an active alcohilic who lives with a spouse not be codependent? Does codependent and enabler go hand in hand? and can I be a codie with my children? I don't want to be codependent anymore!!!!

Thank you! You guys are great!!!!!!! I look forward to reading and I'm beginning to post more and I've gotten a lot from here. Where I go and sit and think about what I read and what I can do to change myself.

Thanks again and please reply. I'd like to hear some point of views.

sapphire69

Ok, I wasn't really sure on the difference or how to explain it, but here is wikipedia's definition:

Codependency or Codependence describes a pattern of detrimental behavioral interactions within a dysfunctional relationship, most commonly a relationship with an alcohol or drug abuser.[1] In general, the codependent is understood to be a person who perpetuates the addiction or pathological condition of someone close to them in a way that hampers recovery. This can be done through direct control over the dependent, by making excuses for their dysfunctional behavior, or by blunting negative consequences. These actions are described as enabling.

For me I am both. And NO it is not only with my AH. It is also with my mother, my children and friends. I think it's the need to feel like we have to "fix" them, or the desire to be accepted and loved. We are so far gone from taking care of ourselves that we need validation that we are good and loveable from everyone else. I used to think if I could just solve everyone elses problems for them then they would think I was the greatest. Now I have learned that solving my own problems must be my top priority. Always having advice for and helping everyone else does not make them like me more, in fact it drains me and they begin to take advantage.

My mother and my 18 year old daughter are perfect examples of this. My mother would take advantage of me until I died and never give it a second thought, until I stopped letting her. She is just as codependent as I am, only not with ME. My daughter is out on her own now and facing major difficulties. I have had to step away and stop trying to solve all of her problems for her. She needs to put on her big girl pants and face them alone. She still tries to take advantage of me but I have found myself saying NO alot more often. I spent the last four years trying to help, trying to get her help and trying to teach her everything a mother is supposed to. She ignored me and treated me like I was stupid. Now she is living in her own trash that I tried to help her clean up. And though it has taken alot, I do NOT feel guilty for it and she still loves me.

So I believe that yes, they go hand in hand. You have to be codependent to be an enabler. Being an enabler is the result of being codependent.

Live

Yes, being codependent effects all parts of our lives.
There is a thread in the Newcomer's daily support forum where we continue to address our codependency in our daily lives. It is on part 9. Feel free to jump in anytime!

We have also been talking about abuse in a thread in this forum, don't recall the name but it is active and it was started by Tigger.

Have you read the stickies at the tops of the forums? I suggest you continue to read around.

I was looking at your threads earlier and I care about you. It will take time, but you will be able to sort out the confusion, find peacefulness, personal freedom and happiness in your life.

I want to post more but will wait until later, as I am very tired....I did not sleep at ALL last night. For the simple reason that I forgot to pick up my meds, I forget about my insomnia until it is too late! So my brain is pretty fried and foggy at the moment.

Others with clearer heads will be along shortly.

hugs,
live

veryregretful

Thank you both for posting. It's making a little more sense to me. Still not really getting it. I will reread the stickies again. I've read them so many times but each time I was looking for something in particular so I'll go back and read and maybe give me things to think about. I also will have to check on Tigger's posts. I'd like to read that. This has to be short because it's 10:19. been here at work since 4:30am and haven't got my work started yet. lolol I have alot to do since I have been reading these boards.

Thank you my friends! Have a great day!

Live

LOL, I so know what you mean about spending time here!
Check out the stickies at other forums also.
And, there is always the forum "The Best of Sober Recovery"
And, you know what, I recommend "Recovery Follies" too....we all need some laughter and fun in our days!

Jazzman

I learned invaluable lessons from my experience living with an active addict. Lessons and skills that not only apply to my daily life but are applicable to my role as a parent of a teenager. To detach objectively and allow loved ones to suffer from their own poor choices are two of the most valuable skill sets that are being put to use ON A DAILY right now with my teenage son.... LOL!!!! I have learned to examine my motives before acting and not act on the desire to fix, take control, or manipulate an certain outcome.

Still Waters

To me, codependency really doesn't have anything to do with alcoholics at all. You can be codependent with anyone in any type of relationship.

The whole "In general, the codependent is understood to be a person who perpetuates the addiction or pathological condition of someone close to them in a way that hampers recovery. This can be done through direct control over the dependent, by making excuses for their dysfunctional behavior, or by blunting negative consequences. These actions are described as enabling" pretty much flies in the face of "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it" don't you think?

Co-dependency keeps us locked into unhealthy relationships, and unhealthy social interactions.

For me it's learning where I end, and the other person begins...and how to take care of myself and allow the other person to take care of themselves.

BuffaloGal

At the risk of being offensive to recovering alcoholics-- perhaps a better question for the alcoholic chat room would have been, Who is the person in your life that washes your clothes and yells at you a lot? than, Who is your codependent?

On kids: it hurts my feelings when my daughter is thoughtless with me... but she's ten. She doesn't know any better. If she gets mad at me for something reasonable, if I get involved with my homework and don't pay attention to her, I address it. But if she tells me it's annoying that I'm nagging her about hurrying up in the morning, I raise an eyebrow and tell her it's my job, and I lose my Mom Contract if I don't nag her. And she rolls her eyes at me. Of course she thinks I do irritating/boring/pointless things. Contrary to her belief, she isn't qualified to critique adult behavior. Love her to bits, but I don't care what she thinks about my clothes, my taste in music, or my friends. And my singing voice. That was a big one, but she keeps her opinion to herself now, because I sing more when she shares it. I learned that trick from her.

I didn't particularly fall into the codependent pattern with my former husband-- simply because I didn't learn that stuff at home. I had about as hands-off of a childhood experience as is possible without living in an orphanage. I became an adult with the idea that there are two kinds of problems in the world: mine, and everyone else's, and those were black and white categories. I had no authority to address anyone else's life, and no one had the right to criticize my behavior either unless it was directly affecting them. (I don't recommend this rigid of an approach, nowadays.)

So when I told my alcoholic/porn addicted husband that I couldn't stand any more ugly surprises, and I discovered him hiding his hobbies again, I shrugged and told him he was welcome to do whatever he wanted... in his own home, which he should start looking for immediately. He had thought I didn't mean it, that I was "trying to manipulate him." Incorrect.

But with my daughter, I'm learning about the other side of the fence. Like Jazzman, I have discovered the possibility of parental controlling-ness. Recently, there's been a shift towards some preteen attitude in my mostly lovely child. And I was surprised by my sudden, intense need to get her to do what I want her to do, even if it meant yelling or being sarcastic or shaming her. It did not feel good, friends and neighbors.

Now granted she's a kid, and if she's doing something that compromises her safety, I'm not going to allow it. But the issue that comes to mind is that she wants to continue going to a school that isn't a good environment for her-- so far, she can't keep up academically or adapt socially there-- and I want her to go to a different one. Yeah, the school I want her to go to would be better for her, I'm not wrong about that. But... ya know, she needs some practice in making these decisions for herself, so when I cooled off I elected not to force it. The other school will still be there as she gets older.

This is the point where I need to end, and let her begin.

Jazzman

LOL! Love it. Perfect example of enforcing a boundary. Lets hope we don't have to have that same talk with our teenagers before they"get it".