Testament!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Testament!
Sept 2 I loaded up a moving van and left my AH of 14 years. Took the kids and some essentials and left our foreclosed house. Caught him texting a woman he'd had an affair with, a woman he had lived with (and told me he was in love with), before coming back home.
He had drank the money away, told our weeping children who wanted him to stop drinking that they needed to "man up" because he chose to live his life this way and they needed to "deal with it"
He bashed his car with mine while drunk because i wouldn't move it in the driveway so he could go get more beer.
Told me he was divorcing me for 10 years, which would make me hysterical, crying, begging. TEN YEARS!!!
I'd spent the last year in total confusion. Grief. Soaring highs and unbelievable lows. The pain of his affair, the nightmares, the lies, the hope that he would stop drinking and some day love me, cycled over and over and over again.
He loved me. I was a piece of s***. We would be together forever. He couldn't live with me because he didn't agree with "my lifestyle" I was a goddess. I couldn't do anything right. He wanted me to listen endlessly to his problems about work. He could care less about mine.
I feel like I escaped.
Every day I read the stories of folks, mostly women, who are in the same exact place I was in not too long ago. All of you who are still in the madness, the pain, the fear and confusion, I want you to know something.
Before I left AH, I didn't know if I would ever find my way out. I didn't believe I could do it. I didn't want to. I thought the only way I could feel better was for him to love me, for him to accept me, for him to stop drinking, for me to love enough to not feel the pain. I was obsessed with him. And so was he.
Today, after just a few weeks of No Contact, my life is completly different.
My life is rapidly, dramatically getting better, changing. All the time and energy I spent trying to fix my marriage, wondering and worrying about and fighting with AH, all of that time is now spent making my life better for myself and my children.
Today, I have hope. Today, I have no confusion. I am clear headed. As time goes by, I am less and less impacted by AH and I see or talk to him every day! He holds no power over me! I don't care what he does! It's not my business who or what he does. Buh bye! This man who I adored, who abused me, who I cried myself sick over. I. No. Longer. Care.
More importantly, I know who I am. I know myself, the good and the bad, what works and what doesn't. I am ambitious, motivated, and ready to move forward on my goals. I’ve had them for so long, these dreams of what kind of woman I want to be, What I Want To Be When I Grow Up. I’ve made plans to see them through for so long. I feel like for years I was Dorothy singing “Over The Rainbow,” and now, I"m there.
Now, every morning when I wake up I decide that today is the day to take action. My fear is shifting to excitement. I am eager for success, eager to see my dreams realized. Even the mistakes are beautiful. I love who I am.
Please know that you too can experience this freedom. This miraculous shift from obsession with your A to nurturing and caring for yourself.
If I can do it, so can you.
And thank you to SR for being here every second of every day.
Thank you to the mods and greeters and old souls who are here offering help and support.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...
He had drank the money away, told our weeping children who wanted him to stop drinking that they needed to "man up" because he chose to live his life this way and they needed to "deal with it"
He bashed his car with mine while drunk because i wouldn't move it in the driveway so he could go get more beer.
Told me he was divorcing me for 10 years, which would make me hysterical, crying, begging. TEN YEARS!!!
I'd spent the last year in total confusion. Grief. Soaring highs and unbelievable lows. The pain of his affair, the nightmares, the lies, the hope that he would stop drinking and some day love me, cycled over and over and over again.
He loved me. I was a piece of s***. We would be together forever. He couldn't live with me because he didn't agree with "my lifestyle" I was a goddess. I couldn't do anything right. He wanted me to listen endlessly to his problems about work. He could care less about mine.
I feel like I escaped.
Every day I read the stories of folks, mostly women, who are in the same exact place I was in not too long ago. All of you who are still in the madness, the pain, the fear and confusion, I want you to know something.
Before I left AH, I didn't know if I would ever find my way out. I didn't believe I could do it. I didn't want to. I thought the only way I could feel better was for him to love me, for him to accept me, for him to stop drinking, for me to love enough to not feel the pain. I was obsessed with him. And so was he.
Today, after just a few weeks of No Contact, my life is completly different.
My life is rapidly, dramatically getting better, changing. All the time and energy I spent trying to fix my marriage, wondering and worrying about and fighting with AH, all of that time is now spent making my life better for myself and my children.
Today, I have hope. Today, I have no confusion. I am clear headed. As time goes by, I am less and less impacted by AH and I see or talk to him every day! He holds no power over me! I don't care what he does! It's not my business who or what he does. Buh bye! This man who I adored, who abused me, who I cried myself sick over. I. No. Longer. Care.
More importantly, I know who I am. I know myself, the good and the bad, what works and what doesn't. I am ambitious, motivated, and ready to move forward on my goals. I’ve had them for so long, these dreams of what kind of woman I want to be, What I Want To Be When I Grow Up. I’ve made plans to see them through for so long. I feel like for years I was Dorothy singing “Over The Rainbow,” and now, I"m there.
Now, every morning when I wake up I decide that today is the day to take action. My fear is shifting to excitement. I am eager for success, eager to see my dreams realized. Even the mistakes are beautiful. I love who I am.
Please know that you too can experience this freedom. This miraculous shift from obsession with your A to nurturing and caring for yourself.
If I can do it, so can you.
And thank you to SR for being here every second of every day.
Thank you to the mods and greeters and old souls who are here offering help and support.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
What a wonderful wonderful post. I have been following your journey for a while now and I am so so happy for you....may your rainbow never end!...sounds like you have found the pot of gold my friend.
A beautiful post full of hope and excitement.....I am reaching for my rainbow too and I am almost there...just taking one day at a time but today is a fabulous day for me too!
You keep going you are an inspiration THANK YOU Phiz:ghug3
A beautiful post full of hope and excitement.....I am reaching for my rainbow too and I am almost there...just taking one day at a time but today is a fabulous day for me too!
You keep going you are an inspiration THANK YOU Phiz:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Awesome testimony. Keep listening to that empowering music. It really helped me to keep my focus forward, and on me. I enjoyed R-E-S-P-E-C-T on a daily (or more) basis during my separation/divorce from addiction.... 
What a great feeling it is to keep your focus on YOU and your KIDS, and to know that life can be peaceful and good EVERY day if you so choose. Peace and hugs.
What a great feeling it is to keep your focus on YOU and your KIDS, and to know that life can be peaceful and good EVERY day if you so choose. Peace and hugs.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by transformyself 
SW if I can make you laugh that's a wonderful thing. And Phiz, thank you!
Big hugs Trasnform. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
It's good to hear transformyself - My AH has been gone for 3 weeks and I have to admit I do have some good days but most are still bad. I have two 14 year olds that I have to be there for so I'd rather be a lump on the sofa but can't because I have two precious children I have to take care of and I don't to have them see me an emotional wreck every minute. Once in a while fine but I don't want them seeing me mope around.
I didn't believe I could do it either but I did do it. The verbal abuse was just way too much. He had dinner with the kids this week and told them that he deserved to drink. Well my kids deserve not to be abused verbally. He disappointed them yet again.
I'm okay at work pretty much as long as I'm busy. It's when I get home that's the hardest. I am still in the home and really don't have plans to sell as the kids are starting high school next year and don't want to give them a double whammy. Plus I will admit I am scared to sell and move. As I write this I was scared to tell him to leave but I did so why should I be scared of selling and moving?
The thing I'm having a hard time with is the no contact. I know it would be best but still having a hard time. I've done no contact for like one or two days and of course he calls when he is drunk and I answer. I am calm and he's yelling then he hangs up on me. One night he called until 2:00am. The night he called till 2:00am reassured me that I was doing the right thing. So maybe that night was a good thing I answered the phone.
I realize the more I have no contact with him the more angry he gets because he feels and knows he is losing control. I just need to stick with the no contact rule.
Your post inspired me. I'm going to check out your previous threads so I know your history. I hope you don't mind. It really did inspire me and after reading it I have a little itty bit of hope I will feel better.
My AH has always been telling me he was divorcing me for 10 years. I should have done it when he first said it. Boy, am I stupid. I'm reading codependent no more which i'm definately a codie. and I was obsessed with him at the expense of my children.
Your post (story sounds so much like mine)
Thank you!!!! Good luck in the future. After reading your post I realize that my life will get better. Just can't wait for that time. I'm scared still. I'm stuck with all the bills and such but always was. He hardly worked and when he did money was still scarce.
Thanks again - have to really start work now. Take care!
I didn't believe I could do it either but I did do it. The verbal abuse was just way too much. He had dinner with the kids this week and told them that he deserved to drink. Well my kids deserve not to be abused verbally. He disappointed them yet again.
I'm okay at work pretty much as long as I'm busy. It's when I get home that's the hardest. I am still in the home and really don't have plans to sell as the kids are starting high school next year and don't want to give them a double whammy. Plus I will admit I am scared to sell and move. As I write this I was scared to tell him to leave but I did so why should I be scared of selling and moving?
The thing I'm having a hard time with is the no contact. I know it would be best but still having a hard time. I've done no contact for like one or two days and of course he calls when he is drunk and I answer. I am calm and he's yelling then he hangs up on me. One night he called until 2:00am. The night he called till 2:00am reassured me that I was doing the right thing. So maybe that night was a good thing I answered the phone.
I realize the more I have no contact with him the more angry he gets because he feels and knows he is losing control. I just need to stick with the no contact rule.
Your post inspired me. I'm going to check out your previous threads so I know your history. I hope you don't mind. It really did inspire me and after reading it I have a little itty bit of hope I will feel better.
My AH has always been telling me he was divorcing me for 10 years. I should have done it when he first said it. Boy, am I stupid. I'm reading codependent no more which i'm definately a codie. and I was obsessed with him at the expense of my children.
Your post (story sounds so much like mine)
Thank you!!!! Good luck in the future. After reading your post I realize that my life will get better. Just can't wait for that time. I'm scared still. I'm stuck with all the bills and such but always was. He hardly worked and when he did money was still scarce.
Thanks again - have to really start work now. Take care!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
You are doing so good. I also have been following your post.
I am 15 months out and STILL have good days and bad days. I know I have made the right decision but it still hurts. We still have alot of contact due to baby being so young and supervised visits so I tend to struggle with the no contact thing. I never call or initiate contact and try and keep it just about baby. Its hard when I feel lonley.
Keep doing what you are doing!!!
I am 15 months out and STILL have good days and bad days. I know I have made the right decision but it still hurts. We still have alot of contact due to baby being so young and supervised visits so I tend to struggle with the no contact thing. I never call or initiate contact and try and keep it just about baby. Its hard when I feel lonley.
Keep doing what you are doing!!!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well, I have a slip to report, after all that. Initially, I was too ashamed to come here and confess, but after reading veryregretful's post, I think i owe it to myself and all the other folks here to acknowledge that a) I"m not perfect and b) I can and will recover from a bad day, bad decision, bad thought or moment.
I tried to have a conversation with him today about his drinking. Isn't that funny?
I'm leaving town Wed through Sunday and thought, because I still have bouts of insanity, that I could talk to him about not drinking around the kids.
It wasn't pretty. I have to admit I was sucked in, somewhat, to the drama and emotion. He is furious, FURIOUS that I: bring up the past, dictate to him, try to control him, don't recognize all he's done that he has had the same job for 15 years that he gives me so much money.
He slung all kinds of crap around that didn't make any sense, how I'm asking people about his personal life. Total lie. Screamed and screamed at me, hung up, called back several times, said he can't believe how we treat each other, that he drinks because of our bad marriage, that he will close the bank account so I can't see what he does with his personal life, bla bla bla.
Yes I cried. For about 6 minutes. Then I cleaned my kitchen. Then I was angry that I wasted an hour of my day, and will admit to being a little scared that he will shut the account, but then I came here and re-read my post and all of your kind words.
Today I choose to not believe his version of history.
And even though I shouldn't have engaged, and even though it makes me very very sad to see him so angry, so resentful of me, to hear the things he thinks of me, I am very very grateful to have written those words last night. That testament. It's still true my friends. I still have worked very hard, earned a great deal of serenity.
And it's all still there waiting for me. I just need to get back to my happy place and release my need to control him.
I was with him for 14 years. If I'm sad today I think I'll honor it and know that it's part of releasing the past and not wishing to shut the door on it. Acceptance is my friend, I say. Even when it's hard. Even when it hurts.
I tried to have a conversation with him today about his drinking. Isn't that funny?
I'm leaving town Wed through Sunday and thought, because I still have bouts of insanity, that I could talk to him about not drinking around the kids.
It wasn't pretty. I have to admit I was sucked in, somewhat, to the drama and emotion. He is furious, FURIOUS that I: bring up the past, dictate to him, try to control him, don't recognize all he's done that he has had the same job for 15 years that he gives me so much money.
He slung all kinds of crap around that didn't make any sense, how I'm asking people about his personal life. Total lie. Screamed and screamed at me, hung up, called back several times, said he can't believe how we treat each other, that he drinks because of our bad marriage, that he will close the bank account so I can't see what he does with his personal life, bla bla bla.
Yes I cried. For about 6 minutes. Then I cleaned my kitchen. Then I was angry that I wasted an hour of my day, and will admit to being a little scared that he will shut the account, but then I came here and re-read my post and all of your kind words.
Today I choose to not believe his version of history.
And even though I shouldn't have engaged, and even though it makes me very very sad to see him so angry, so resentful of me, to hear the things he thinks of me, I am very very grateful to have written those words last night. That testament. It's still true my friends. I still have worked very hard, earned a great deal of serenity.
And it's all still there waiting for me. I just need to get back to my happy place and release my need to control him.
I was with him for 14 years. If I'm sad today I think I'll honor it and know that it's part of releasing the past and not wishing to shut the door on it. Acceptance is my friend, I say. Even when it's hard. Even when it hurts.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Don't be ashamed for this. Look on it as vindication for all you have done, as his screaming and ranting just proved beyond doubt that you did the right things leaving him.
He IS still a rip roaring, demented and alcohol fuelled, impossible to live with man, and you are where you are meant to be...... out of his manic control.
You are a glimpse of hope and survival for so many here.
God bless
He IS still a rip roaring, demented and alcohol fuelled, impossible to live with man, and you are where you are meant to be...... out of his manic control.
You are a glimpse of hope and survival for so many here.
God bless
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks Jadmack
Please know that you too can experience this freedom. This miraculous shift from obsession with your A to nurturing and caring for yourself.
I'm happy to be moving back into this space. I am really grateful I wrote all of this down last night when it was bright and shining.
Engaging with AH really is like drinking for the alcoholic. And I think, for me, I need to always remember that I suffer from PTSD and any time I stray from No Contact, I risk being triggered into that state of high anxiety and fear.
Not today Zurg! (Bonus points if you know what movie that is from)
Please know that you too can experience this freedom. This miraculous shift from obsession with your A to nurturing and caring for yourself.
I'm happy to be moving back into this space. I am really grateful I wrote all of this down last night when it was bright and shining.
Engaging with AH really is like drinking for the alcoholic. And I think, for me, I need to always remember that I suffer from PTSD and any time I stray from No Contact, I risk being triggered into that state of high anxiety and fear.
Not today Zurg! (Bonus points if you know what movie that is from)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
