veryregretful

Transformyself,

I come here and I say things that I really don't think I would tell my best friend for I'm afraid she would say things I wouldn't want the hear. Here I am completely honest with what I am feeling today and what I did and have done. Yesterday I called to see if he was going to bring me money for the kids. He's working under the table. Then he started yelling at me about he's not living here why should he pay for the kids. Then I brought up the lowes and home depot bills. We just opened them so we could redo the bathroom that's been torn apart for, no lie, 15 years. The bathroom is finished now and the credit cards are in his name. For the last two weeks he has given me money to pay his cell phone, insurance, his discover bill and an extra hundred each week. So i thought he was going to give me $100 each week for the kids. It should be more but I'm okay with $100. He thought he was doing me a favor the other two weeks so he just went off and said why should he pay the lowes and home depot and i'm just playing my games. that i only text or call him on thu or fri for money. yeah okay. whatever. He then calls me back later last night screaming that i told him to call me later and i didn't answer the phone. i didn't hear it, it was in the other room but that's not good enough for him like i really need to give him an explanation. I asked when we could talk because we need to talk about money for kids and what is he going to do so we can get on with our lives. every day i mentioned he said he was busy then he said anyday he picks i'm busy. I'm talking calmly which is pissing him off. He is not getting a rise out of me. can you say delussional. he hangs up on me. i go back on computer then he texts me once this time. only once. he texts 'hi whats' okay. what is that supposed to mean?

anyways, i think my point is, i broke the no contact today again. I texted to find out when we could talk and he called back pleasant cuz there was no booze involved and he is supposed to call me later. we'll i'm going out with friends for a couple hours so if I am out I am not going to answer his call. I will call him back when I get home.

I am beginning to realize about the no contact rule because it's for my own sanity. The less I hear from him and his abuse the easier it would be with me going on with my life. I am human and I make mistakes. This is all new to me so I'm still learning and posting the truth on here makes me think about what i've done and what i'm going to do.

My AH get furious with me on the phone also. I really don't let him get to me. I don't get upset alot. just a little. he usually calls at night so i just go to sleep. If he was doing this during the day it would be hard for me to keep going. .

There is always one step back and two steps forward. I'm still hopeful that he will become sober and get help but not going to keep my fingers crossed. It's like a double edged sword.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Tomorrow is a new day and you are a strong person. You've made it this far you can do it.

I've been with my AH for 20 years. 14 years is a long time to be together then split up. It hurts really bad because the dreams I had weren't even approachable because of his drinking.

don't be afraid to post the truth here. nobody is here to judge. That's why I feel safe posting here. And everyone here has been great listening to me post my long posts.

I'm glad I helped you. Never thought I would really help anyone when I can hardle help myself.

Take care and hang in there. You are still doing great and like I said in my earlier post you are my inspiration to keep him out and to know I will feel better in awhile. Maybe I'll have a setback but I know I'll feel a heck of a lot better than I do now.

Thank you!!!!!

Denoraphy

Greet read and inspiration. Thanks for sharing.

veryregretful

sorry i rambled again. I'll try to shorten it next time. lol

Live

Thank you for such a great and inspiring thread Transform.
HMMMMMM....do you realize that even a few years from now ladies will be reading this and you will have this hope and encouragement out here!
Applause!

Veryregretful, I am glad you are feeling better. I think it is true for most of us that we work through all sorts of things here that we don't talk to our friends or families about EVER.
LOL...my posts have been waaaaaaayyyyyyyy long the last couple of days and I am not finished! LOL
Post get it out....the support, experience, strength and goodwill here is phenomenal.
It has saved my life, literally I believe.

tjp613

Transform & Very.... Be gentle with yourselves for these "slips". They are a natural part of the growth process and serve a very useful purpose. I think that we forget that our A's are not growing/recovering like we are. We assume (or hope) that since we are ready for a mature adult conversation that they are as well. NOT!! They are quite busy mentally hiding more guilt and shame....it's a full time job.

So these slips actually are useful. They serve to reinforce, once again, why you are doing what you're doing and that no contact is a heavenly thing. You'll do better next time. That's what growth is all about.

(((Hugs)))

tigger11

Trans - you okay?

transformyself

Hi ya'll, and Tigger Too!

Thanks for this tjp. I do see it now as a useful tool. No Contact is heavenly and even though I fight it, even though it sneaks up on me, somehow hijacking my brain before I even know it, those thoughts of spending time with him are so insidious. Any thoughts of him, any are too much.

I was told to not spend a second of my time dwelling on him, in any context. Each moment must be spent fixing my life.

I am so happy when I do this! I guess the part of me that wants to go back and try to communicate with AH does think, logically, that he must be moving forward and growing also. I mean, what kind of person doesn’t?