veryregretful

My AH has been gone 3 weeks. He had a choice to stay and be sober or drink and leave. He drank and he left. We've talked a few times and he still says he is going to drink. Over the weekend on Saturday he called me from about 9:30pm to 2:00am many times accusing me of sleeping with his brother, yelling at me, etc. I was stupid to answer the phone but I did. Anyways, he took the kids to dinner last night and the kids told him how they felt and they don't want him home unless he is sober. He told them that he deserves to have a couple drinks because he works hard. So his decision is to stay away from home and drink.

Today I called him about if he was going to give me money. He asked how much and I said $100 then he went on and on and on about how he isn't living here so why should he give me money. I told him, calmly, that it was for the kids. They need to eat, I need to clothe them, etc. He hung up on me. I called him back and left a mesage for him to call me later.

I guess he called my cellphone at 6:36 tonight and I was probably coloring my hair so I didn't hear my phone vibrate. It's in the other room. He just called me and was screaming at me (he's drunk) about how I must not care because I didn't check my phone and how come I haven't texted him to say hi even though I saw him yesterday. I calmy said I didn't hear the phone or check it so I didn't get your call. He said maybe we'll get together on Friday night and talk but he must have forgot about that because he said I thought you wanted to work this out and the next few days he said he was working late and probably wouldn't be around friday night because he is going to stay in a hotel near where he works because he doesn't want to drive the 40 minutes to where he is staying. whatever. He proceeded to tell me that I guess I made my decision because I didn't call him back. He said he's tired of my games and started swearing at me. Of course he hung up on me and he's probably waiting for me to call him back which I'm not going to. Why do they keep calling and be nasty to you. If they don't want to be with you because you were a b word for 20 years why would you want to talk to them and want to talk.

I'm not sure but I think this is a control thing. For years I was always the one that caved and gave him what he wanted to avoid the verbal abuse. So he probably thought he had control. Now that I have tried to change my behavior he seems to be getting mods angry because I think he thinks he losing control. Does this sound right? Does this make sense?

I'm waiting for the next phone call tonight. Do ai answer it or not. I think my answer should be don't answer it.

I hope he doesn't call so i don't have to deal with that tonight. I'm so emotionally exausted and also i am physically exhasted i don't want to deal with him tonight. I should just turn the phone off. i don't want him to be angry at me. that must be the codie in me but then again i want to talk with im. i know i sholdn't talk with thim when calls but part of me wants to. that's the freakin codie in me. I have to get up at 3:30am and it's getting late so i jjust want to chill and go to sleep. or at least try to.

I would like some suggestions. or experiences.

Do you think this is a conrol thing where he wants to comd back under his terms and i (we, me and kds( want him home only if sober and getting help. He keeps telling me what he is going to do like go to the patriots game on sunday which is a day he will get trashed. I think he wants my reactiton. I give him none since he is not here i really don't care what he does.

I hope this makes sense and i very tired so spelling isn't very good.

any suggestions or experiences would be appreciated. I'll be up for a while longer. hopefully he doesn;t call me back but I bet he will call when he knows i'll be sleeping so he can wake me up and i guess control me.

Please help!!!!!!!!! I really need it.

Thanks
Since

sailorjohn

Shut the phone off, for starters. Have done that myself when I needed to. The rest, you have children by this man and are still married to him, have you thought about-realistically-what you want your future to look like?

Learn2Live

Honey I think you are trying to figure out what he is doing and why and you're going to keep driving yourself crazy doing this. You've got to get yourself off this merry go round.

No, don't answer the phone. You THINK he left you to drink but he didn't. You were DONE with him long ago. You gave him the choice because you were DONE with it. What kind of relationship WAS that? You knew you didn't like it, you knew it wasn't what you wanted, so you gave him the ultimatum. He knows he can't not drink so he's left. Of course he's calling you about all this insane stuff; he can't believe you are done with him. Even if he does stop drinking, you are not going to magically like being in a relationship with him again. And then he'll relapse, and you're right back where you started from! Get off the merry go round and stay off.

You made up your mind, now you gotta' let your feelings catch up. The only way to do that, that I know of, is to cut him off, go no contact. Trust me, I've done it AT LEAST three times in my life and it is so worth it. After a while, you look back and wonder why the hell you wasted so much time. Please, stop answering his phone calls. Do what I do when I go to bed; put the house phone in the bathroom and shut the door and turn the cell phone off.

LaTeeDa

I agree--turn off the phone. Get some sleep. You will think much more clearly when you have had some rest. Nighty-night.

L

veryregretful

He just texted me " hi what's " that's it. I'm not going to reply. I'm not going to answer. I'm going to turn it off and try to get some sleep. I took my two klonopin so i can sleep with anxiety and i do know that he's trying to get me going. I'll just deal with him after a good nights rest. Thank you all. Please stay replying cuz i'll need it tomorrow when i read this post.

Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!! Hugs and kisses to all!

You may never know. i might be obsessive about him calling so i'm going to turn my ringer off but maybe just check it to see how many times he texted and called because i know i won't be sleeping through the night. Haven't in years. So what would make tonight any different.

Thanks again and talk with you guys soon!!!

This forum has been the best help to me so far.

lavash - george clooney would be nice for a back rub. i'll try to fall asleep to that dream. I thing you were right about him losing control and i'm tring to get it back. His own sister told me that I need to get control back at this house or things would go more haywire that they already are.

I'm going to try to sleep now. I may check in later so have a good night. My eyes are closeing as i'm typing so it's time for me to sign off. I'll talk to you all later.

love you guys
denise

PHIZ007

Veryregretfull my heart does go out to you. Great advice above about getting a goodnights rest...no decision have to be made today.....or even tomorrow. Once you are well rested you will fell so much better and be in a stronger position to make the right decisions for you and your children...and yes it all sucks!! but is a process...take one step at a time.

I agree that he feels he is losing control. I have a similar situation at my house at the moment having told my husband, who I love very much, but I have decided that I can't live with the chaos his alocoholism brings to our household.....he gets very angry about silly things since I told him this and I think its also because my behaviour is changing (in a good way for me!) he is no longer in control and he just doesn't know what to do.....I am going to do the best for my three small children and myself. he is welcome to come along with us as we all love him very much he just needs to leave the two bottles of wine a day habit somewhere else first!

I am sending you the best thoughts and wishes and hope that after you have a sleep you will feel so much better. Take care of you.....you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you definatly can't cure it......wishing you a good rest too. Phiz

Dreamer42long

I've had to turn both my phones off (house and cell) several times. He calls and leaves message on my voice mail. The next day my curiosity gets the best of me and I end up listening to them, however many there are. All of them are the same: mumbling, cursing, accusing me of everything, saying mean things to make me feel bad.

I wonder what his reaction would be to hear these horrible messages when he's sober.

I feel for you and wish you a restful, peaceful night!