honoryourself

I'm sort of confused again. Well, I could say I always feel pretty confused.
The war zone in my house sort of just .. settled. But for no apparent reason, obviously nothing ever gets resolved. I just think I was moments from a heart attack and decided I needed to stop talking about the 'issues' for my own sanity.

I still called a divorce finance person this week, who referred me to an attorney. I spoke to her and she referred me to another attorney who is more specialized for my case.. I did not call the second attorney yet. I kind of ran out of juice for the moment.

Last night I lit a fire, lit some candles, and just didn't say anything. AH came home from work, made me a sandwich, went to the store for a couple things we needed, got me some chocolate. We sat on the couch and both looked out at the wall bewildered from the craziness of our lives. We pet the dog, didn't talk about anything at all important. It was odd, kind of cold, yet somewhat warm. I didn't want to start a fight. I realized that asking anything of him is pointless and will start more wars.

But I'm confused. There are things I don't find OK, like his spending and when we fight the way he treats me. I am not OK with his 'rules' about how I need to tell him where I'm going no matter how rude he's being towards me. I am not OK with the way I feel about him drinking. Sometimes it's not like he's behaving badly, but it still costs a lot of money, and sometimes he does behave really badly. We had liquor in the house because I'd bought it for a party I was going to over the weekend, and he's been helping himself to it. Last night I just didn't fight, we split a beer. He made us each a gin drink, then he had two more, followed by some night time cold medicine. I am so sick I start to think that he probably likes having a cold because it gives him an excuse to take night time meds every night. Other nights he takes melatonin. It's psychological, like he can't get to sleep without alcohol and meds. It just bugs me. I guess if I was doing much better it wouldn't bug me.

I'm starting to think that maybe it's not a bad idea to recognize that these things bug me for valid reasons. I want a husband who is healthy, not one who just says "I feel fine" and then points a finger at anything unhealthy I do as if to say, you do it too, don't get on my case about drinking and smoking. I want a husband who doesn't go "i deserve a couple of beers after a long day of work". I want a husband who doesn't go "stop investigating where I'm spending money" because he doesn't want me to know what crap he's buying on credit.

He's now talking about how he's going to make good money at this job. I sort of believe him, he's done it before. But it's a question of sticking to it, too. He told me he told his boss today that if he couldn't make xxx dollars / month, he would be quitting. He's negotiating a higher commission, which seems good, but I just hear this as him manipulating his boss into feeling like now it's his fault if he loses this employee. The boss agreed apparently. I like assertiveness, but not transfer of responsibility.

I know he'll lie to me if he doesn't like how I react to something. I know he'll sneak away bits of money to spend on alcohol or fast food or whatever he wants. I've questioned in the past if this was because I made such a big deal about him spending it. But I think in the end the problem is that he refuses to budget with money and always feels entitled to whatever it is he wants, especially if it's something he's addicted to like smokes or alcohol. I don't want that.

All of these things I don't want but yet I'm sitting there on the couch like I'm in some kind of alternate universe. I think all these realities have been hitting me like a ton of bricks. My friends all say leave him. But of course it's easier said than done. They see there is emotional abuse. That he is reckless and self serving. Though some of them also see the wonderful giving and outgoing side. But the more I read about abusive men the more I recognize him in that. The hardest part is coming to accept that this man I married is/could be one of these men, and that in that case it's really just a matter of time to get out.

I'm sort of ready to leave, I mean my gut says to. But I don't have the motivation just yet.. I mean I moved my money out of the account, he's supposedly finally going to be making money. He thinks it's all about finances that I "hate him". But it's really just him and how he makes me hurt and love and hurt more the more I love. And how many good times have been ruined by him. I hate that.

There's no war, there's no screaming, but I need something to give me that push. I tried looking for a reason to leave this morning. The fabled hidden bottles that I've never really found.. I mean I've found beer he kept in an outside fridge but it wasn't really 'hidden'. I've found empty cans under bathroom and kithcen sinks and in the basement in odd places, but he doesn't seem concerned about those, saying he just puts them there if he's cleaning and someone's coming over. But today I found the first hidden bottle. Over the garage in a place hard to get to in a plastic bag with a pole there to reach it. I thought it was going to be whiskey but it was a 40oz of some cheap beer. So there I have it, I mean.. that's alcoholism. Can I just accept it now please? Accept this is him? Accept that this would be my life with him? Alcohol coming first? That I don't want it?

I guess I can't be too hard on myself.. I've come a long way in a month.. but I have to go further. Things never seemed so bad before, just a pain or just frustrating. There were no DUIs or physical violence. It was never so obvious to me that this was unacceptable. I almost wish it were more obvious so I could start running and not look back. I just am having a REALLY hard time looking at him and imagining that I will be having to get a lawyer and come to him and tell him I'm leaving him. How do you do that to a person? God that hurts. I know he won't see it coming, he thinks this is all still OK. That he's still so right. I can't imagine what that pain would be like coming from the other direction. But if he was listening he would know.. if he cared he would know this was serious. But he's still affected, still stuck in his own world.

Thanks for listening.

LaTeeDa

It sounds to me like you are detaching from his problems. Realizing that if you tell somebody something bothers you (hundreds of times, lol) and they still do nothing to address it, they probably aren't going to address it.

Accepting that he is going to do whatever he is going to do, regardless of what you do, is healthy. It's not easy to let go, and it usually doesn't happen all at once. But, it sure sounds to me like you are going in that direction.

Don't forget to be gentle with yourself.

L

MissFixit

Dear,

Let me make an observation. You said that it isn't that bad or something like that. How bad should it get? Hitting? Jail? Death? I hope that you see the pattern for what it might be, which is progressive alcoholism. If you read about the stages of alcoholism, you will see that if he isn't addressing it now, it will get worse.

TakingCharge999

This is a rather obscure way I have to motivate myself and wake up to the fact every day is precious and my days are counted:

The Death Clock - When Am I Going To Die? (mock webpage..)

Try it......