commitment
 

Hi, friends.
I finished Codep. No More. Lotsa notes from it. Now I see why you all didn't advise me on how to do an intervention. :)
Like I have said, he's back and I have been trying to calm down (stop chicken little-ing) and think clearly so I can make good decisions for myself.

Our financial situation is far more challenging than either of us thought it would be. I really need to work, but there isn't anything here. I've decided to go to stay with friends out of town for a few weeks, pre Thanksgiving, and try to make some money. I think it will be good because its a big town and I can go to AlAnon meetings and take a break from my husband.
I can feel us settling back into the don't-talk-about-it, try-to-normalize-and-forget mode. I'm not there right now.
Yet, I am still uber attached to "we can fix this". I feel like if I separate formally, it would be with the hope something could shift in him. I realize there is no cheese down that tunnel.
I will have no way to know if anything has changed since his drinking and hiding and lying business was secret anyway.
Which means the leaving has no end point.

<<Heavy.>>

But I also recognize that he has lied/hidden things more than once, so what am I waiting for? Another time? And THEN I will leave? That's nonsensical.

And if I am as freaked as I am (thanks to you all) about having kids...what am I waiting for?

I remember when I was hesitant to get married and he asked me, "What are you waiting for?"
I said, "Well, we used to do all this crazy arguing and I don't want to do that for my whole life."
He said, "But we haven't in a long time, right?"
"Yea, right. But what if we do again?"
"So you are waiting for the absence of something?"
"I guess so."
"How do you know when something isn't happening enough?"

That was deep. I got what he was saying.
"But I'm scared," I said.
"So am I," he said.
And we cried together.
And I agreed to marry him.

I thought when you got married, you would stop feeling scared and then commit. I learned you commit and then you stop feeling scared.

Isn't it crazy where we learn the same lessons over and over again in different areas of our life? Even if you learn a really good, really powerful, really meaningful, really HARD lesson in one area...you have to repeat the process from square one?

I'm still scared, don't get me wrong. I am also trying to stay present.

And we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Hugs.

Not from square one, necessarily... more like square three or four ;)

I once read a comparison of learning repetitive life lessons over and over to going through a spiral seashell. Each time you go around, the journey is smaller and shorter.

((hugs))

My interpretation of this? Your gut was trying to tell you something, and he talked you right out of it.

Maybe I'm way off, but that was the thought that came to me when I read it.

L

:) to each her/his own.
I take it to mean fear shouldn't stop you.
I thought that was a sweet moment.
Marriage is scary. Commitment/choosing is scary.

My therapist would tell me that my life is like a spiral staircase with my "issues" at the center. As life progresses I will spiral up and around the issues. Each trip I will be looking at the issues from a different angle and be experiencing things differently and hopefully in a more healthy way.

The hesitation to marry him seems more than fear to me. I used to feel this way with xabf. After leaving and all the distance, I think my gut was telling me something was wrong before he fessed up about his drinking.

I think fear can also be powerful, though. I am with someone now that appears to be wonderful. There is no hesitation for me to be involved with him, just fear the other shoe will drop. This is hard to fight against. So, I'm just going along for the ride at this point to see where it takes me.

I had so many red flags I ignored. I think ignoring the obvious reasons to turn back was my stubbornness, and after the fact it was like, if I admit failure then I have to admit I was wrong to ignore the flags..

I know it! Early on in the relationship he smoked. I said smoking was a deal breaker. Then, his smoking went underground.
One day, i came over (without calling, but without ill intent), his door was open, and I found some cigarettes in his house. I sat down with my back to them (just to see what would happen). He slyly scooped them up and hid them. I confronted. He lied, downplayed, got angry and finally cried. Same story as my "intervention" last week. Same exact thing.
Did I catch the hint then? No. I felt bad for him struggling with addiction and felt honored that he loved me so much he was afraid to admit his issues (yikes! Can you say codie alert??)
So, there you go. Signs were CLEAR. I just didn't want to see them.