chrisea

It's well over 4 yrs & I think I have a ways to go before I even consider looking for anything near a relationship. But for the possible distance time that I might, (in the far off time)... I will take a look at this article again, to help me get off the track I was on. Maybe it could help anyone else considering it.

Signs you're in a healthy relationship

What's stopping you from finding a good partner? | Sympatico.ca Lifestyle

the last tip is a good one, I will have to wait on that also. I don't have a dog, so that's in the future also. For now I'm at peace by myself w/ a cat. Serenity, bliss, calm, what else it there

Ago

We attract what we are, or more precisely, it's our matching mental illnesses that call out to each other, so until I worked on myself and did the steps all the lists in the world wouldn't help if I kept picking sick partners, which is all I was attracted to until I worked on myself.

I have been watching codies and alcoholics play this game for nearly twenty years, and the answer always lies within, become what you want in your life and it will appear, our partners are never the problem, our partners are just the manifestations of our symptoms.

When I am healthy those lists are meaningless, although couples counseling for navigating difficulties and learning what healthy boundaries are in our specific situation is helpful, and when I am unhealthy those lists are meaningless because the partners I pick wouldn't know a healthy behavior or boundary if it sh1t in their Easter basket.

This of course is just my opinion, I hope I was able to write this without being offensive, I haven't had quite enough coffee yet and sometimes I come across cranky when I don't mean to, this is just my personal experience with myself and 17 years of working with sponsees.

LaTeeDa

This was a huge AHA moment for me--when I realized that what I thought was true love was really a magnetic attraction to "matching dysfunction." As my friend Minnie put it: "The horns on his head fit perfectly the holes in mine."

And when a poster describes their relationship with their alcoholic as "a connection unlike any other they've ever felt," or "meant to be," or any of those other fairy tale terms, I cringe.

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lovtolaff

Amen...I'm cringing with you. Ick.

honoryourself

I never felt like that fairy tale realtionship existed.. when I met my AH I just felt so connected to him like it was meant to be. My counselor tried to get me to describe what it was about him that I loved and it was very hard for me to put it into words.

Obviously it was my sickness looking to fix his sickness. Maybe if I can make such a broken man into a respectable gentleman than I am as powerful as I need to be? Who knows... there were things I loved about him, but way more red flags. Maybe I thought they were 'challenges'.

I started to read 'getting the love you want' before I started going to al-anon and reading codependent no more. I actually bought all these marriage books because AH wouldn't go to counseling with me but agreed to work some books with me (ha ha! yeah right!) I read the first whole part of getting the love you want and started to recognize some interesting things in there. One of the concepts is that we are looking for someone to mirror our problems (to make them 'ok'), or someone to contrast with our problems or recreate our childhood problems or perceived weaknesses-- that way we can attempt to overcome them in adulthood and thereby heal ourselves. Somehow I wanted to overcome this man, and then everything would be OK. I have to give up on the idea that I can overcome him. I may love him and there may be some great things about him, but overall he was a very very poor choice for a husband. Looking at things like stability, alcohol and drug use, the verbal abuse in arguments and explosive temper, the controlling nature and the jealousy... I mean, what was I thinking?

It still hurts, there are still and always will be tender moments and memories.. but I am starting to see that that 'fairy tale feeling' that it was 'just meant to be', was more like my damage finding someone who fit the bill for my shortcomings. No one else was sick enough to stick around while I tried to fix them unsuccessfully. I am learning to keep my mouth shut, mind my own business, and only work on myself. I used to do that a lot, I'd lost that in my marriage.. now I'm doing it again, and it feels good.

LaTeeDa

Interesting you should mention that book. When I first decided to go to a therapist, it was under the idea that I wanted to try and make my marriage work. The first book she recommended I read was "Getting the Love you Want." I was fascinated, and still am, by the ideas in that book.

I think that our childhood wounds do seek out someone with whom we can work on and heal them. And I think that it is entirely possible to do that when both partners are aware, open, and willing to do that. Obviously not possible when one partner is addicted. So if we seek out partners who have already lost themselves to a substance, then it must mean we have some work to do on ourselves before we can find the right partner to heal with.

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honoryourself

Well, if you take it with a grain of salt.. perhaps what each of us needed was to seek out someone like whom we found... then grow enough in ourselves to be able to see that they are not our problem or responsibility, and to find out that we deserve more.
I think the key in the book was not that we are seeking someone to heal, but that we are seeking someone that will give us an opportunity to recreate childhood wounds so that we can overcome those wounds through our own growth.

I may have interpreted this all differently.. but to me, if what I am gaining out of this madness is an opportunity to see what I am worth, what I deserve, and to learn to stand my ground, learn to stop trying to control everything in my environment, etc., then maybe this was a hard but necessary lesson to learn.

LaTeeDa

I'm with you on that. I see my marriage as a necessary part of my growth. And, I suppose every relationship I have, romantic or otherwise, from now until the day I die, will also be an opportunity to learn and grow. It never ends. We never "get there," we just sort it out a little more each day.

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sclarke64448

Hi Chrisea thanks for this! Am replying so I can find this thread again easily under my own posts. It's scarey because I'm generally a happy person. I have no real bad relationship history so when I met my xabf three or four years ago I was pretty much without issues. I should say 'until' I met my xabf. My friends and family see me as happy go lucky and my xabf said one of the things he loved about me was I had no issues and 'what you see is what you get'. It's scarey to think that obviously there is something wrong there and nobody, not even me, could see it.

Ago

This is exactly my experience, when I am well that is exactly what happened, when I am not it's like the reverse is true, we drag each other down, like I will pick someone that will drag me down to their level, what I heard was it's impossible for me to pull someone up to my level but I can be pulled down to theirs, this is also my experience so when I pick someone I am trying to "save" or "rescue" what has happened for me was the reverse happens, I not only couldn't help them, I got dragged down to their level kicking and screaming, first it was with my family but then I started picking relationships where that took place.

hence my presence at this site

it's nice to be headed the other direction again, as in towards health

TakingCharge999

I was in a psychology conference the other day, it was said if you want to know who you are... look at your partner, that is who you are!

LaTeeDa

Good point! I have heard it said that alcoholism (addiction) and codependence are the same disease. They just manifest themselves in different ways. My therapist said that they are merely two different branches of the same tree.

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Bolina

All of this relationship stuff is very complex. I do think that we "say yes" at the level we are at emotionally. And that goes for our partners. So all that getting superior gets us nowhere. Again.

There are some people, though, that seek out the good ones. The naive ones. And those that are a bit vulnerable. And then try and leech off that good stuff, but then turn around and beat up on the very person that they sought out. Probably cos they realised that they didn't know how to be a good 'un. All sub-consciously, mind.

I love learning about people and what makes them tick. But sometimes a cigar is a cigar.

gowest

Hmmmmmmm .....

So what about when you aren't in a relationship?

I think about the fact that my tendencies really surface mainly in my romantic relationships and am aware of this fact.

So I spend time either, "trying to like" men who "seem" like the right types - but to be honest I'm not "feeling it", or looking at the men who I tended to like in the past, but now know to stay away from because I am in a healthier place.

So in other words I'm spending a lot of time by myself. I don't mind as I'm ok alone, but I would like to have a partnership with someone one day. Not feeling overly optimistic about it at the moment.

Ago

True Dat, I used to be pretty involved with Freud but we split over pen1s envy

He felt it should be confined to women (Woody Allen in Zelig)

Laverene

I stayed away from relationships for four years and in that time did a lot of work - mainly in terms of recognizing emotional and verbal abuse and analyzing my family of origin. I got to the point that I knew how I ended up with my ex. Or so I thought. When I ventured back into the dating world, the first two relationships I found myself in were more of the same dance with codependency.

I finally realized that I was reliving my father and mother's relationship - not just mimicking it because that was all I knew (which is what I originally thought). When I first started dating again, I first tried to pin the issues I was having on the years with my ex, but now I know it goes further back than that. Deep down, I actually believed if I could just get these new guys to change and be better then I could erase the pain and confusion and helplessness of watching my father and mother be destroyed by their issues.

It was not fair to the guys I got involved with although it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why they were drawn to my "sensitive" "altruistic" side. I swear anytime I hear those words about myself, I physically flinch. Someday I will strike a balance.

I can't save anyone except for myself. I can't change anyone except for myself. I am not responsible for anyone other than myself. And that includes my parents. What a big fat relief. For me, this feeling of responsibility hasn't just followed me into romantic relationships but also in my work and friendships.

I'm working on letting myself feel what I have never allowed myself to feel about my parents. I guess maybe when I was younger, I thought I could somehow make it all better but I have to accept that is not possible, not then, not now.

gowest

I'm very good at "seeing" and understanding even my own crap but tend to analyze myself from a distance. My work at the moment centers on being in the now.

I've become hyper aware about not trying to control outcomes in an effort to feel safe. I think I am starting to make some real progress. yay! about time!

I need to work on feeling what I know intellectually. Sometimes I think I am too detached.

One thing I will say is that my last relationship started with someone who was, when we first met, actively working their own program. With out that relationship (and some really major external life crap happening) I would have never taken these next steps where I am working on myself.

I can recognize that these steps are definitely taking me in a healthier happier (maybe more serene - I'm not big on the word "happy" seems devoid of meaning in many ways as it is not descriptive enough) direction so that is all good.

TakingCharge999

"Bravery is the price you pay for living life in peace"

((I wish I remembered who said this to give her/him credit...))


gowest, I also heard somewhere-- life is not made to be happy, but to LEARN ! that takes a lot of pressure out of me and makes me feel better because I am learning a lot

Unsubconsciously seeking partners that can potentially trigger childhood issues can be seen as human evolution... pain and grief propel you to grow out of it and trascend... so when you have children there is one lesson less to learn for them.

E.g. my mom was raised with a lot of guilt issues due to religious ideas, but she realized those were not working for her and did not raise me with any guilt of that kind.

Now my issue is abandonment, so I will be aware of tending to the emotional needs of my kids, providing an emotionally stable environment and expressing affection openly.

Thus my grand children won't have to trascend religious guilt or abandonment, those nightmares won't exist in their reality. They will be learning different lessons, but at least not those 2 anymore.

If my mom had stayed in the status quo I would have inherited the same problem and repeated the same story, so speaking generally we would have lost time and one generation. In my very humble opinion our responsibility towards health spans more than our own lives.

I also believe for each generation that does its emotional homework, the lessons to learn by the next generation are less painful. Balanced and compassionate people are raised:

that do not feel guilty thus do not make someone else feel guilty

that do not feel abandoned so they do not abandon others

etc.


And that is how the world is changed...

Just my two idealistic cents