Is this cold hearted?
 

My A sent me an email (with a very old email I'd sent him going over "issues" in life) stating ....

"I found this, going through my e-mails. God, it seems so long ago,
yet so recent. How queer, recent history seems, when we no longer choose to be bounded by it. Life overtakes, and life moves on.

You are still my "best friend". Never lose sight of that, and we'll
get to where we want to be.

I have always loved you!"

Well I got to reading that old email I sent him and much is the same and much (in me) is different. It was pretty much a "how do I make you love me" email. should I not have? Does what I wrote just feed into his "issues"? Below is what I responded with.

"As you sit in the basement embalming yourself yet again, I find it impossible to be even remotely moved by this email, as I'm certain it was written while intoxicated.

There are many things that have changed within me since that email. My moments of thought and reflection about "us" grow fewer every day. Every passing day I care less and less. I can't change your bad habit and you can't be bothered with even making an attempt. Maybe you are and you're just so bad down the path you can't even make it a few days, but I do know, every day I grow number, It's just a matter of time before I've completely shut down to anything you say or do to make amends.

My thoughts now are mostly on me and what my future holds. Will I leave and make a new life for myself or will I stay, knowing full well the probable course of my future with you. My future is that of my mother's. A life living second to the bottle. A life of constant stress with very few glimpses of real happiness. A life consumed with worry. A life that is not her own, but as "caretaker" of my father, who would rather wallow in self pity "wishing" things different, yet taking very little action of his own to make it so. I see the life my mother has lived and it scares me to death. No one is put on this earth to live that way. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy to have this life.

I think of how I used to be and what I've now become. There isn't much of "me" left anymore. I wonder if I will ever get "me" back?

I love you, I always will. I simply do not know how much longer I can live like this. I'm not threatening you, or giving you an ultimatum. I'm simply telling you the truth. I am drowning.

xo "

I feel like I'm betraying him by posting stuff that's fairly personal. I'm seriously thinkin I shouldn't have sent it. And I shouldn't have posted it here either. :(

Posted what?



Just kidding!!! It's not too mean,esp as it's from the heart...

JF,

Its great that you posted here. Its where you can bare yourself and let us know who you are and how you feel. You spoke from your heart!

Take good care of yourself. I dont know enough about you to know if you already go to Al Anon meetings, but I strongly recommend them. I can honestly say that they saved my life.

Here's a hug

O59

You were honest.You said what you needed to say.And you are welcome to come here and share that,if it will help you.It may even give courage to someone else who is struggling.Wishing you peace and joy.

Hugs

phoenix

JFD,

Thank you for sharing and I understand your hesitancy....I struggle with it myself. I know that if my husband EVER reads anything I have posted that I will NEVER hear the end of it, but yet I am still here. It helps me and that is why I come. I also hope that somehow, my sharing will help others.

I still have a difficult time being totally open with my feelings...it is very difficult....even here where I know others are dealing with the same things! Seeing things from others and listening to their experiences is where I draw from to build confidence in trusting my thoughts and feelings.

Blessings
Constant

You feel you betrayed him? This desease is not about HIM but about YOU. I always used to feel I betrayed my A by relaying something personal, but there is nothing personal about being an A. I don't recall him being so careful to cover his personal business when he was falling down drunk or calling me from jail. Don't be so hard on yourself, don't live in the past or the future, live in the here and now in order to survive. :)