PHIZ007

Hi guys....today is our 'Babys' 3rd birthday! Three already so great excitement in our house. I am feeling in turmoil though.......I don't know what AH thinks anymore.

Last night as usual the kids and I ate then bath time bedtome etc etc.....while he made his way through the nightly two bottles of wine...he never eats with us....can't till he has had hiss fill! So another night alone for me.....I have been alone so long in this marriage that thats nothing knew and proberly one of the reasons I am so not afraid of being alone when I do finally leave this chaos behind. I am in the process of making plans.

I told him two months ago that I wanted to seperate as I couldn't live in a household where one persons addiction cause so much chaos for the rest. He asked me to give him more time........so I said I would but I didn't think it was a good idea as I know in my heart its over. I said I would give him till January.....(not sure why January but figured that would give me enough time to really sort out my plans finances etc etc). Of course since then nothing has changed (I didn't expect it too!....we've been on this road a long time). I am getting better and better at detaching, he still comes home and drinks exessively every night....seven days a week.....it is still so hard though to live in this ridiculous situation! I feel like I am bidding my time so that in january I can walk away knowing I have given everything I can give in this relationship, knowing that while we are together nothing is going to change with regards to his drinking and our relationship.

I am feeling so sad today though.......sad because he was intoxicated when I went in to labour with two out of our three children! of course to friends he pretended he had got "caught out"....but the truth is that I was overdue and he didn't get caught out atall! he got drunk regardless of his wife being nine months pregnant!
I feel sad because every night I eat dinner without my husband.
I feel so sad because we do nothing together ever! He has no interest.
I feel sad because everynight I go to bed without my husband.
I feel sad because everyday I wake up alone....he is there of course but hungover and cranky and edgy! and smeeling of stale booze...yuk! Which of course makes me cranky although I am really working on myself for that one :0)
I am sad for the lost man that I know is there underneath this dreadful disease....
and I guess guys today I am just feeling sad.......and I am trying very hard to hold it all together for my babys birthday but I just feel SO SAD.....about it all... Thanks for reading! I am just going to go with my sadness for now as I know this too will pass..... Phiz

honoryourself

Aw, hang in there, I am having a sad day too but it is all part of the grieving process. Grieving the loss of a dream or a real person or whatever it used to be or whatever we thought it was. HUGS!

Hammer

Dunno. Had one of these days a week or two ago, myself.

This too, shall pass.

Could not figure out Why In The World was I going through Al-Anon, Therapy, this site and others if were to make no difference? Finally recalled all that was/is actually all for me and the kids. Guess it gave me a purpose, even if it did not make me less sad.

This too, shall pass.

alcoholicson

Phiz007, I am new here and am very cautious about writing to other people on their posts but I read yours and my heart just goes out to you. I can't give you any words of wisdome as I am dealing with sadness also with my son's alcoholism. I just wanted you to know that there are people out there who are rooting for you and have you in their prayers. GOD bless you and your children.

PHIZ007

Thank you for your care and compassion. It is really helping me to firstly post things down here....and secondly knowing that there are people out there who truly understand.

My little girls birthday went very well and today I am feeling much more upbeat!! The situation hasn't changed of course....and I still am making my plans but I am not so so sad today and I am looking forward to the weekend with my beautiful children!

Isn't it good to know that none of us are alone....not on here anyway! As in my previosu post I have been around for years! since 2005 infact! and have only just started posting and gee it really feels good to put how I feel down and knowing I am not alone......no major decisions have to be made today...and I will take baby steps one day at a time.

Honouryourself and Hammer thank you, and yes you are so right it is part of the grieving process and I feel so much better today :0) and it always does pass....today is a new day

Alcoholicson I am sorry you are sad too.......it is very difficuly watching someone you love self destruct....it effects so many people around them. You are in my thoughts, keep reading here. I have been reading here for years and feel I have come along slowly but surely but I am getting there.

Thank you again.....