whyamistaying

For drinking. The kids are with my parents all day and I have work. My head is spinning.

gerryP

Hmmmmm....

I'm sorry for *you" Whyami....

Are you managing as well as possible right now?

Ago

sounds like God is doing for you what you can't do for yourself

he will be unable to pay his fines

he will probably have to go to jail

so jail, separation (possibly divorce?) and an alcoholic bottom

actually sounds promising for everyone concerned although I'm sure it doesn't appear so now

take care of yourself and those children, cut his apron strings, go to meetings, read read read, work those steps

this is opportunity not disaster, and that's what it takes for everybody I have ever met, for disaster to turn into opportunity, otherwise they just bump along the bottom for years, lacking the necessary courage to change.

This may seem bizarre but this is the best news I have seen come out of your posts yet, Now it's up to you, what are you gonna do to take care of yourself and those chirruns?

You make the healthy decisions and people, places, things and situations will appear like magic to help you. This is my experience and it's overwhelming, keep doing what you are doing and it will keep getting worse, same with him.

This is your time to shine, time to put on the big girl panties and change your life.

gerryP

Ago is right. Although I KNOW it doesn't seem that way right now, it never does when in the moment, but this is opportunity, not disaster. That said realistically, you will need to process this out and go through the range of emotions and eventually get a game plan together.

Yeah, that booze that once was his best buddy, just gave him a kick in the a$$. It always does eventually.

Why, what is your husbands reaction to all of this?

ItsmeAlice

You are not alone!! I was right there where you are 3+ months ago when my XABF lost his job and with it our housing.

I posted here that I couldn't believe that I had been working so hard to separate from him when I could be financially stable on my own and the BOOM, I got shoved right from behind by my HP.

That's what this is, a big ole shove from your HP. No more dragging feet. No more waiting until the time is right. This is all happening for a reason.

Remember the quote...A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. by Nancy Reagan.

Take a deep breath in and out. You are that teabag my dear and you are one strong cup of tea!!!

Alice

LaTeeDa

I once told my therapist that I felt like I was sticking my fingers in the leaks of a massive crumbling dam in hopes of keeping it from crumbling. That's what we do. We twist ourselves into a pretzel trying to prevent the inevitable from happening, but it still happens. You just don't have that many fingers.

In case you haven't seen this before:

L

naive

i agree with ago, this could very well be a blessing in disguise. it is possible that the impending jail and also losing his job might snap him out of his denial.

or it might not.

independent of what happens or what choices he makes, there is a path forward for you. if it was my alcoholic, he would now either

1) hit the drink hard
2) mope around, depressed, feeling sorry for himself

neither is pleasant to live with.

i hope you can be with people who love you, perhaps your parents? please go extra gentle with yourself tonight. i hope you don't take the bait and get all entangled with trying to fix this with your husband. there is no reasoning with a drunk, as you know.

i recall when i arrived at my mother's door, exhausted from my struggles. she wanted to make plans to do this or that, go here and there. i just told her i needed to rest and be quiet for a bit. i just told her i have to get to alanon, everyday, and she helped me.

perhaps your parents can keep the kids occupied when you go to collect them, and you can have a nice hot soak in their bathtub and chill out a bit.

Jadmack25

"Waiting until the time is right", ah how often have I said that?

Should have known that when God tells me, "MY time is not as yours is", he aint kidding.

Pray and wonder why I am not answered, then just when I least expect it, WHAMMO answered I am............in HIS time, andin ways that amaze me.

Sometimes I am afraid to move, hang on, put off doing...........then I get a nudge, a push or if necessary a boot in my rear, and am propelled ahead whether I feel ready or not (usually not). I can hear a soft voice asking me "why won't you trust me?"

So you have copped a boot from above, that makes past "should I, and what if" questions useless now, so let it go and see how it unfolds for you.

Let your AH deal, no matter how ineptly, with what is his business, his job he lost thru his drinking, and his DUI problem that he got from his drinking.

Your business is YOU and your kids as has been the case for ages, and I promise you that AGO is spot on, when posted that help etc will be there for you as needed.

"Ask and ye shall receive", yes it is true, but also I found I got before I even knew what I needed to ask for.

God bless

NewMe11109

I am sorry, but as others have said, our higher powers sometimes have their own ideas of what needs to happen. Perhaps this is for the best. Hang in there.

Dreamer42long

I agree totally with what everyone has said. It's very very hard to see through the clouds, but once you take a deep break and you rise above it all, the sun will coming shining through and you'll be able to look back on this and say, "WOW! What a ditch I was in!"

Your AH has dug this ditch himself and I'm sure he would like nothing better than for your to jump right in and share the misery. You have to be stronger than him. Don't let him push you there.

Stay strong.

MissFixit

Hugs to you!!!!

My ex cheated on me and left me for the OW/drinking buddy. I was paralyzed with fear/shock/hurt. That was a year ago. Now, I see it as a good thing as I did not have the strength to leave him...God works in mysterious ways...

steve11694

Many a story from AA is about finally getting sober in jail. One friend got sick of getting fired and or working hard only to lose everything once again.

As any addiction specialist will attest to, it is the negative stuff that makes them want sobriety.

I am sorry he lost his job but, he did it to himself and his employer simply did the correct thing. He is a big boy and not a child. He made the music, now let him dance to it.


And yes, it may be a blessing in disguise.

whyamistaying

Ago (and everyone else) thank you!

I don't know how to multiquote so I'll try to answer the questions in this post.

He was at work after hours drinking. The boss came back to the building and found him there drunk. AH said he was going to stay the night because he didn't want to ride his bike. The boss drove AH home and AH was so wasted he couldn't even stand and started peeing on our hallway carpet. That's how drunk he was.

Because he likes to blab when he drinks he was telling his boss he has to go to jail and he doesn't like riding his bike, woe is me crap. And finally FINALLY someone said I don't want to hear it and he fired AH the next morning.

AH's response has been crying, but also he has just kept drinking. He said they can't fire him for drinking off hours and he will sue. Now he thinks his boss is a racist. That it is better that he doesn't work there.

This is not his bottom. He drank after getting fired, yesterday, today, and stole $10 from me and denied it. And you know what, I don't care. I hit my bottom. It was at my 1st or 2nd meeting and I remember asking someone afterwards how do you know when you are done...and she told me when nothing else matters. When how you will pay your house doesn't matter. How you eat doesn't matter. All you know is that you can't do this anymore.

She was right! I am there..divorce. Somehow nothing matters except I can't live like this. I am on auto pilot right now. I make enough to pay the mortgage, but that is it. I need to figure out what to do about health care for the kids and about paying the remaining expenses.

For him, I pray this is his bottom eventually. I don't want anything ill to happen to him, but I can't do this. In my heart I always thought losing his job would be his bottom....so divorce, next week he goes to jail, this week he lost his job....

LaTeeDa

I still vividly remember the day I said those exact words to my therapist.

I can't do this anymore.

She said it sounds like you're done. I said I am.

That was the turning point for me. It was scary for a while, but I wouldn't change a thing. That was the day my life began. Really.

L

Bolina

LTD - I had a similar experience. My words were "I have no more chances left".

Why - I have lurked here for a while and have read a little of your story. May I ask if this turn of events is a surprise to you?

barb dwyer

*prayers that this DOES turn out to be what it takes*

why-
it sounds to me like you've already made a 'decision'.
Now what you need is a plan.

Still Waters

My exact words also.

Daisy30

(((hugs))) to you!
You can do this! Trust in your HP and he will see you through!

gerryP

When you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and you will shortly ...this time, it won't be the train coming from the other end.

((((Hugs)))))

whyamistaying

Yes, it was a surprise to me that he lost his job. I thought all he has to do is get on the train and do his job. He's being doing it for years and when he drank 20 beers/day he was able to do it...so while I thought it would take losing his job, I didn't think it would really happen. He always said they love him. They couldn't ever live without him and that he'd never get fired.