honoryourself

We had our joint counseling last night. Even my therapist said, be careful, watch your back, and get out of this as quickly as possible...

Words you never want to hear about someone you love!

After a very unsuccessful therapy session where AH was cocky and unremorseful and closed and angry, we got home and I asked if he would sit down and talk out a plan with me. He cried and we hugged once (good old codies can't help it when they see tears.. ug) and then I started to mention some things we need to discuss. As SOON as we got to the topic of alcohol, and I didn't even say anything specific about it just that I wanted to understand where he stood with it, since before he said he had a problem and now he says he doesn't, he flipped out. He said he's going to do what he's going to do and is sick of me trying to control him etc.

I tried to revisit our discussion later when he was calm and that was also unsuccessful. I said I was falling out of love with him and was serious about considering separation and divorce. It couldn't have made things any worse, but maybe I should have just stayed quiet.

He's screaming and raving mad. I don't even see a glimmer of the man I met in his eyes, this is the alternate personality.. it's madness, there is a frantic look and way about him, he's desperate and angry and controlling.
He screams about how I have no heart and need to stop treating him like a child and mothering him, then he calls me on his way to work saying I have to talk to him about refinancing our house. WTF?? He's seriously trying to get me to talk calmly to him about refinancing when we are not even having a single conversation without it degenerating into a 'you big meanie' -door slam-combo??

I have to call a lawyer today and figure out what to do. It's so sad, I do miss the man I thought I knew. I guess I never knew him, I was blinded by love, something I never thought was a flaw of mine, but I'm dealing with being ashamed and embarassed about my poor choices now too.

Bleah. Any more adrenaline in my system and I think I might just have a stroke!

Thanks for being there SR to hear out my story as I stumble along.

bookwyrm

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed - we can only learn from our mistakes.
I have been where you are. The scales falling from my eyes were just as painful. But I know better now. I have come out of my denial and am now living in peace. One step at a time is all you can take. Don't beat yourself up about it, move on!

MissFixit

Hey,

I too felt embarrassed. We can only learn from experience. Good luck to you!

megan09

I too feel as though I have been in love with an imaginary man for all these years. The one he is now is a stranger, angry and cruel. I too wonder how I could have been so stupid as to believe in him and his love for me. I can identify with the embarassment as well. As long as I learn an important lesson then it will not be a waste. I have set my standards higher now, not that I am ready to be involved with anyone else. It is all such a shock, even after a years separation.

honoryourself

The one thing he keeps saying that still seems to bug me that I haven't detached from.. it's blowing my mind...
Every time I've tried to address something.. like today it was health insurance. I asked if he could get on his company's plan now because I'll save $200/mo on mine if I switch to individual... he starts telling me I'm "abusing him". "Stop abusing me." "Stop abusing me while I'm trying to work." .. I am so blown away by this. How does one get to this place where a question of health insurance is abuse. I need to let it go. I just think I am hanging on to some hope that it won't have to get as messy as it is getting.. but really I'm sure there is no hope.

Thanks for sharing that you have been through some similar emotions.

veryregretful

Hi Honor,

My AH has been gone almost 3 weeks. While he was living at the home he was always telling me to stop being his mother and be is wife. I wasn't being his mother. I just wanted to abuse to stop. He also wants me to talk calmly when he can't even keep a civil conversation. How can I be calm when when he talks he yells and accuses.

My AH has threatened to take the kids away, even though he doesn't want to do it he says, because he doesn't want them going to the high school in the city we live. To me these are idle threats that all he wants is a reaction from me. These kids are 14 years old and are old enough to make up their mind on who they want to live with. Besides that, what judge in their right mind would give custody to a man who is a pot smoking, alcoholic who can't hold a job and hasn't worked above the table in almost 3 years. He threatened he was going to make me sell the house cuz he needs the money to find somewhere to live. From what I understand he can't make me sell the house until the kids are out of school, whether it be high school or college. He also threatened to take my pension. Where I work, after 23 years here with no age I can collect a check from them for the rest of my life. 65% of my pay. I have 24 months left to go. He threatened to take half if I retired from here so he can live. That I need to look into. If he's able to take it then I'll just continue to work here. No big deal. Easy job. No pressure. Hate to say it but he'll probably be dead by them. He is not the healthiest.

I was always embarrassed about my situation at home. Not anymore, maybe I talk to much now. I have an alcoholic husband who verbally abuses my kids and me. There is no embarrassment here. I didn't do this. The only thing I have to be embarrassed about is that I put up with it for so many years.

I hope this helped. Take care and hugs!

nothappy

Sorry they are such crazy, selfish, volatile, nut cases... your husband and mine both. Isn't it interesting, the way moments of lucidity and civility on their part can lull us into thinking we can have a reasonable conversation with them?

Cowgirl1265

He doesn't want to talk to you about this right now and any conversation you have is going to degenerate into a fight. What I did at this point was to have no conversations with my H, and make the decisions I needed to make.

Its a hard place to be in, very chaotic. ********{hugs}}}}}}

LaTeeDa

I think you should take this seriously. If my therapist told me something like this, I would.

Just as you cannot control his drinking, you cannot control his reaction to your decision to separate. The best approach in a situation like this is to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Above all, please keep yourself safe. He sounds very volatile.

L

sclarke64448

Honestly Megan - Replace 'all these years' with 'for the last three years' and I genuinely would have believed this was something I wrote myself!

Jadmack25

Living in these insane, unpredictable and volatile situations must be the top of the stress tree for you all, and having your kids in it is a nightmare.

Honour, please take your counsellor's comment very seriously, and take action to follow it sooner than later, as your AH is in a very unstable, dangerous and explosive state.

Regretful, living with his threats and such quacking is mind boggling. What judge would give him anything like he says he is going for with your kids, house etc? Proof he is in LaLa Land and his words re him going for half of YOUR hard earned pension made my blood boil.

Where do they come from, these guys who think they are kings and own their families?
It can't just be addiction to blame, so I feel they would little tinpot dictators even without the booze or dope, but of course these probably intensify their actions and thoughts.

Atually it doesn't matter why they are as they are, as the fact they just are rude, abusive, non-caring and bludging people is the important thing.

Would we accept these nasty, dangerous behaviors and abusive words from someone who is not addicted, or is it them being addicted that has kept us hooked as "caring" and "helping" victims of partners?

My thoughts and love to you all who are coping with this.

God bless

honoryourself

Thanks guys, I'm very confused about some things and still struggling to find time to sort them out. I can't very well skip work to make calls to all my cc companies or visit lawyers. They already are suspecting I"m interviewing elsewhere which is bad news and I don't want to give them the details.

I feel like I need to do something about the anxiety this is causing me... my stomach is so tense all day I think I'm getting awesome ab muscles!

I feel like any food I eat could come back up at any minute. I take deep breaths a million times a day just to keep the tears from welling up and my blood pressure down!

Do some alcoholics get to this explosive state just when they are cornered? I'm wondering if he's taking drugs now too, based on the money he won't explain and is lying to me about seeing a counselor with. Then he told me he was going to the counselor again today but that her name was none of my business. He manually set the locator on his phone to make it appear he was 40 minutes across town rather than at work where he really was. I shouldn't be doing all this snooping but I think I need it as a nudge to get me out the door. If I didn't know the extent of his BS then I might start believing him or doubting myself.

It just hurts more every time, and every time he swears hes not lying and I'm an awful person for not trusting him and how he needs to think of himself "for once" and I have no heart.

Is it regression when someone goes on and on about "You're being mean" "It's not fair" "YOU did this" "YOU started it first" "Stop being a bully" .. I mean I feel like I'm on the playground. Except.. it's not fun.

get me outta here..!

LaTeeDa

I held my troubles in for so long I'm surprised I didn't explode. When I finally confided in my boss what was going on in my life, he was very supportive and understanding. I didn't really expect that from him because he normally busts my chops, lol. Can you confide in your supervisor, or someone higher up at work? It's better they know you are going through a tough time than thinking you are trying to bail out of your job, isn't it? Can you take a few days vacation or sick time?

L

honoryourself

A coworker that I trust asked if I was leaving the company, and I told her no that's not what's going on. I did tell her I was having troubles at home. I didn't get into details. My boss would probably be understanding because he just finalized his divorce from his wife with whom he has 2 little girls. But generally he's impossible to talk to and really socially awkward, so I just don't want to get into it. I guess I was preferring to not say anything unless it was necessary.

I have very little vacation time and I need every penny I can get at the moment. So I'm trying desperately to be at work as much as possible, and make up my time missed when I do have to duck out early.

naive

is there a human resources person at your work you could speak to? a couple of days off might do you the world of good.

or, as unsavory as it might appear, you might do well to communicate to your manager. you don't have to get into the gory details. you are not the only person to have a bump in life and need a bit of time to sort it out.

honoryourself

Unfortunately if I thought they could spare me the time I would ask, but at the moment our other person at my level / position is away for her wedding (irony??) and won't be back for another week and a half at least. We just lost another key person and are interviewing candidates throughout our days as well and I"m needed to be a part of those. If I need a few hours here and there I am sure I"ll end up cluing the boss in and asking for some wiggle room. But taking a few days.. I mean I"ll probably just end up sitting at home crying and wondering how I got here, so I want to make sure it has a specific purpose before asking for the space.

Thanks for your suggestions everyone. Just trying to get through the day. Each lawyer I call refers me to another one!