Learning to understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 5
Learning to understand
My mother is currently suffering from her first relapse since getting clean last June. She says (although who really knows) that she has been drinking heavily for the last six week and was just realized from a hospital supervised detox earlier this morning after being admitted on Saturday. My stepfather, who sounds as though he is at the end of his rope, has arranged for her to have an introduction/interview to an outpatient program that is three days a week on Monday and says that if she doesn't stick to this, go to AA meetings, and go to therapy sessions, that he will sue her for full custody of my 8 year old half sister. He has taken away her access to money (she is a stay at home mom and has no job/accounts of her own) and access to their vehicles. She is still pretty out of it on her last dose of valium provided by the hospital but I am expecting that things might get ugly...fortunately/unfortunately I live in a separate state and am not close at hand to help/hinder her recovery.
I am extremely worried that she is at home and feel she truly needs a new environment, such as inpatient treatment, to learn the coping skills she needs. My stepfather is just worried about money and I don't know that he is fully invested in her recovery. I am worried she will ruin her second marriage and not be strong enough to fight this disease. I am sad and feel helpless that there isnt' anything i can do to help her.
My father is also a recovery narcotics addict and has been clean and active in the program for several years. He gave my stepfather the # of someone to help him coordinate his insurance benefits and get her good care and he wouldn't call.
I'm sorry if I am rambling, but isn't there anything I can do? I haven't even spoken to her since Saturday but how can I just stand back and watch this trainwreck happen? I feel like I need to jump in but sort of know that I can't. This is heartbreaking....I thought I could find support through this horrible time here. Thank you for listening to me.
I am extremely worried that she is at home and feel she truly needs a new environment, such as inpatient treatment, to learn the coping skills she needs. My stepfather is just worried about money and I don't know that he is fully invested in her recovery. I am worried she will ruin her second marriage and not be strong enough to fight this disease. I am sad and feel helpless that there isnt' anything i can do to help her.
My father is also a recovery narcotics addict and has been clean and active in the program for several years. He gave my stepfather the # of someone to help him coordinate his insurance benefits and get her good care and he wouldn't call.
I'm sorry if I am rambling, but isn't there anything I can do? I haven't even spoken to her since Saturday but how can I just stand back and watch this trainwreck happen? I feel like I need to jump in but sort of know that I can't. This is heartbreaking....I thought I could find support through this horrible time here. Thank you for listening to me.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
I'm sorry that your mom has had a relapse and has had to detox again. This must have been hard on your sister and step dad and you. I'm sure there were a lot of incidents and some chaos in their family home prior to the two detoxes. Your step dad does sound like he has had all he is willing to put up with. It sounds like he is taking steps to take care of himself and your sister.
She is an adult that has made the choice to pick back up. She will have to deal with the consequences as an adult. She was able to live clean and sober for a few months and should be able to find support again. The best source of support for her at this time is other recovering alcoholics. They will understand what she is going through. A counsellor that specializes in addiction will also be able to help her learn new skills. Sometimes insurance is not available or does not cover addiction. There are other programs available to your mother if insurance is not an option. AA and other programs are free. But she has to do all the work herself. The nicest rehab facilities with all the luxuries of a resort won't keep her sober if she is not willing to work for her recovery. The real recovery starts on the inside. She has to choose the path.
How about you? You are an adult child of addicted parents. Have you considered counselling or joining a support group? You would be welcomed at Alanon meetings, or ACOA meetings.
You will also find support and information here, 24/7. Please read and post as much as needed.
I'm sorry that your mom has had a relapse and has had to detox again. This must have been hard on your sister and step dad and you. I'm sure there were a lot of incidents and some chaos in their family home prior to the two detoxes. Your step dad does sound like he has had all he is willing to put up with. It sounds like he is taking steps to take care of himself and your sister.
She is an adult that has made the choice to pick back up. She will have to deal with the consequences as an adult. She was able to live clean and sober for a few months and should be able to find support again. The best source of support for her at this time is other recovering alcoholics. They will understand what she is going through. A counsellor that specializes in addiction will also be able to help her learn new skills. Sometimes insurance is not available or does not cover addiction. There are other programs available to your mother if insurance is not an option. AA and other programs are free. But she has to do all the work herself. The nicest rehab facilities with all the luxuries of a resort won't keep her sober if she is not willing to work for her recovery. The real recovery starts on the inside. She has to choose the path.
How about you? You are an adult child of addicted parents. Have you considered counselling or joining a support group? You would be welcomed at Alanon meetings, or ACOA meetings.
You will also find support and information here, 24/7. Please read and post as much as needed.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
(((nilotic7)))
It is so hard to stand back and watch someone you love self destruct like this. Listen to the voice that tells you that there is nothing you can do for her because its true!
Have you heard about the three C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Only your mom can get herself well.
Have a read through the sticky posts at the top of the forum and , if you haven't already, drop in for a look at:Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information too.
Keep on reading and posting - I found a lot of wisdom, strength and encouragement here I hope you will too!
It is so hard to stand back and watch someone you love self destruct like this. Listen to the voice that tells you that there is nothing you can do for her because its true!
Have you heard about the three C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Only your mom can get herself well.
Have a read through the sticky posts at the top of the forum and , if you haven't already, drop in for a look at:Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information too.
Keep on reading and posting - I found a lot of wisdom, strength and encouragement here I hope you will too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 5
Thanks for your posts -- I have been repeating the three c's to myself A LOT over the past day or two. My mother was released from detox yesterday and I spoke to her today -- she sounds a little foggy but today she had hope. I told her that I love her unconditionally and am not mad at her and told her what I am doing to help myself and that this is the best way for me to help her on her journey. She had an appointment w/ her pcp today and she said that he told her that she has a chemical imbalance in her brain -- she was amazed/relieved by this -- you can't imagine how happy she sounded! I guess because she never worked her steps the last time she didn't know...? I hope it keeps her hopeful and strong...
I talked to my stepfather, too. He is telling her to her face that everything she says is a lie and he doesn't believe anything she says. He is so angry at her -- I told him to wait and let her actions speak for her. I hope she keeps to her word or I think he may throw her out..I don't know.
I am waiting for a blowup when she tries to drive to her outpatient intake interview and he tells her she still isn't allowed to drive...or maybe he will let her. I don't know. I have tried to direct my stepdad to this site to start the learning process and mom has given him a list of al-anon meetings.
It sounds like he needs help just as much or more than she does.
It feels really good to share my thoughts and feelings here -- thank you again everyone for giving me hope throughout my day.
I talked to my stepfather, too. He is telling her to her face that everything she says is a lie and he doesn't believe anything she says. He is so angry at her -- I told him to wait and let her actions speak for her. I hope she keeps to her word or I think he may throw her out..I don't know.
I am waiting for a blowup when she tries to drive to her outpatient intake interview and he tells her she still isn't allowed to drive...or maybe he will let her. I don't know. I have tried to direct my stepdad to this site to start the learning process and mom has given him a list of al-anon meetings.
It sounds like he needs help just as much or more than she does.
It feels really good to share my thoughts and feelings here -- thank you again everyone for giving me hope throughout my day.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
One of the things I found really hard to do was detaching from the chaos of STBXAH's life. Taking a step back and letting him be the adult he is, responsible for his own choices in life. Please, let your mother and step father work out their own problems. They are grown ups and there is nothing you can really do about it if they decide to split. Don't get caught up in all the drama. try applying the three C's here too! You've informed them of the options. Now let it go. This was really hard for me to do!
I recommend reading Melody Beattie's Co-dependant No More - you ought to be able to get a copy in your local library. It was a real eye opener for me and you might get something out of it too.
I recommend reading Melody Beattie's Co-dependant No More - you ought to be able to get a copy in your local library. It was a real eye opener for me and you might get something out of it too.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
