transformyself

So I practice Bikram yoga, which is known for its' aggressive style. I hate that part of it, truly, and go for the heat, the practice and the healing it gives me.

At the studio where I practice there is a new teacher who relishes in being "mean." She annoys the daylights out of me, but that is part of the practice--being calm and still and working despite whatever is annoying you. Whether it's learning to ignore the sweat running into my eyes or the person next to me breathing heavily or the teacher who says what i consider to be confrontational, ego based, inappropriate things.

So I know this about the practice. Plus Bikram, the man behind the practice, is one of the biggest megelomaniacs I've ever seen. Ego, ego, ego. But his system of yoga is healing me, so i go. I go and ignore what I don't like

I realized that this new teacher totally triggers me, and it's from growing up an an alcoholic, abusive home. She called me out in class for going ahead with a pose she hadn't called yet and I"m having a hard time letting go. My sister pointed out that she seemed to do that on purpose, she had stopped the class, essentially and noticed I went ahead with the pose. Then she really enjoyed calling me out by name and saying, "the rest of the class will wait until you can listen to the directions."

I'm furious about this, seriously. I was humiliated my entire life by my abusers and ordinarily would have snapped her neck, fast like. But this is yoga and I am in class.

I'm not sure how to have boundaries in this situation. I don't feel safe there, am aware that I'm obsessing about it. What if she's the teacher when I go to class? There is no way of knowing until I get there. I need to be prepared in some way as to how to deal with her aggression because if not, I'm afraid I will react and it will not be pretty. I know a lot of folks avoid confrontation, but when I am afraid and feel like someone is attacking me, I go on the defensive and protect myself.

A healthy way to do this is to establish good boundaries with folks. State them and stay away. I'll have to figure out how to do that here..I thought about talking to her directly and saying, "you know if you can do me a favor and be more kind in class if you need to point something out I would appreciate it." without going into the sordid details of my childhood. Then if she still gives me attitude, move to plan B. which, other than incineration, I haven't formulated yet..

nodaybut2day

I think your plan of talking to her is good.

As a former teacher, I would have liked to know if my style of teaching was aggressive or demeaning to a student. Be prepared however for denial and redirection. Any instructor who demeans a student is flexing their Power Muscle, trying to reassert their control over the class. I've seen it done so many times by other teachers and it disgusts me. If she doesn't respond well to your simple request, perhaps consider a) talking to the director of the yoga school or b) going someplace else.

transformyself

Wow, you were a teacher? Are you familiar with Bikram?

This woman was dressed as a dominatrix last class,for Halloween, and kept referring to herself, as being "so mean" so I think she may not be very open to hearing it. But i will talk to her privately, so she doesn't feel the need to become offensive.

Cowgirl1265

In my opinion, it is inappropriate for a paid instructor to demean their student. Period. You are an adult and a paying participant in her class. Her behavior is out of line, and you have every right to request she tone it down.

TakingCharge999

Talking to her with a good attitude sounds like a good plan, perhaps she considers your opinion and takes it well. However if she gets defensive, etc... I would leave as gracefully as possible and look for a different class!

I know nothing about Bikram, just the criticisms from other Yoga lines that state Yoga is about being good to your body-- finding the balance between being comfortable and pushing above your limits. But if you like it I hope you can find a class that suits you better.

Being ok among chaos, well I already do that at work!! and to me 8 hours or more is enough

Good luck!!

McGowdog

I can relate to all of this.

This is how I treat something like this...

Resentful at: Yoga teacher.

The cause: puts me down and humiliates me in front of the whole class.

Affects my:

Self Esteem; I am a Spiritual Giant! A Goddess! A Princess! I am disciplined!
Security: I need respect and honor.
Ambition: I want enlightenment and self-actualization. I want to lead.
Sex Relations: women defer to Real Women. Women accomodate and nurture other women.

Something like that! In any case, you want to be "proactive" here right? You want to be ok regardless of what she does, right?

If you accepted the discipline of the the thing and let the water run down your back, she would sense it and move on... She would no longer "get off" on picking on you... IMO.

naive

i agree with mcgowdog.

sounds like a power trip. unlikely you addressing it will sort it out, might make it worse.

i would ignore it, if you can. mcgowdog is right, if there is no reaction, she'll move on to someone else.

sometimes, establishments have a box for comments. you could put one in annonymously.

transformyself

This is it! Thank you! I don't want to fight anymore, don't want to waste anymore energy being resentful at people, it just usurps my power.

If you don't mind, I'm going to steal your forumula and memorize it and get my butt back to class.

I know people talk smack about Bikram yoga, I've never done yoga before but did dance for 20 years and it ruined my knees and hips. I LOVE this yoga practice, LOVE LOVE LOVE the heat and postures, they are healing me, in many ways so I don't want this little snit to distract me !!

Thank you!

justanothrdrunk

Whenever I have a resentment, I need to remember to look at myself first. There's always something I can change about myself to affect any resentment.

McGowdog

Gee thanks, but it's certainly not my little formula. It's probably been around for eons and it IS sort of a paradox of life. We do better in finding our own flaws by seeing them in others.

Maybe this teacher is truly whacko. She may be jealous of you... seeing talents in you she doesn't possess. But it doesn't matter. She may be helping you and you may be helping her.

CNMC2C

transform,

If talking to her doesn't work, go to management. You are more than likely paying good money to attend this class. Sorry, but the customers satisfaction with a program matters and I am sure that management would like to know that you are unhappy. I'm more of a Vinyasa/Hatha yoga kind of chick and haven't done Bikram in a while, but no instructor should behave that way. Your fees pay this persons salary. I'm friends with the GM at the health club I attend and know that she would be having a major talk with any instructor who was disrespectful to the members of the club. That's just my opinion.

Take Care....

transformyself

I get and know that my anger needs to be examined from within. That's how i got to this place of understanding the why part--abusive childhood for me has always equaled protecting myself first. I don't see it as simple as "resentment" because for some reason to me that implies there is no basis for the anger, which refuels the anger due to secondary wounding of abuse victims.

However, part of healing is to not revictimize ourselves by staying in a victim mentality. I"ve known for years now that the only way to true freedom for me is to "be ok no matter what the circumstances" and that has meant complete abstinance from my A father and also having clear boundaries with other folks who don't respect me.

When I find myself in "resentment" though, it's telling me something. I can state my needs, but ultimatly I want to be in a place where I"m iron clad and serene regardless of external circumstances.

That's one of the reasons Bikram is so healing. I'm learning to focus and be still and peaceful regardless of my environment.

Crazy B***** is part of that environment and giving me the opportunity to examine myself and come out peaceful, regardless of what she does.

Thanks everyone!

LaTeeDa

When I feel resentment, there is almost always a basis for the anger. They way I see it though, is that anger can be a productive emotion. It tells me when something is not right. It is a signal that a change needs to be made.

Resentment, however, has never been productive for me. I see it as anger that has been kept alive artificially. I didn't take the anger and use it as a signal to protect myself. Instead, I avoided whatever action I needed to take as a result of the anger, so it hasn't dissipated.

Sorry to get off track. You got me thinking about anger and resentment.

L

Cowgirl1265

This discussion exemplifies what I love best about SR.

Everything we talk about evolves. It is an amazing learning experience to watch a discussion develop.

McGowdog

I think standing up for your rights and not being pushed around is great in and of itself.

The yoga thing for you sounds great and it's a discipline for you.

But if you don't get a resentment here, it's gonna come somewhere down the road, right? Sooner or later, we get into conflicts. When people complain about relationships it becomes almost hillarious. The notion that this person that's driving me up the wall is in my life for some reason. I chose this person, right? Why are they doing this to me? Look at what you made me do! I love that one. That one reminds me of Sylar on Heroes.

So... how to get free of the resentment and step away from the victim role is win-win. [Leave me alone! I'm entitled to my pain! ] It helps me, it helps the object of my resentment... it helps the universe... methinks. They don't even have to change for me to get free. But whether I like it or not... once I get free, they DO change ... for the better. Now is that change a miracle of the Universe? Or merely my perspective??

I've done all of this stuff... and still not gotten free of the resentment. So what then? I was instructed to try using humor. Works sometimes. Sometimes I've prayed for that person... that they get the peace and happiness that I'd wish in my own life. Sometimes that works. If she's truly not a happy person... Karma works both ways.

transformyself

Until recently I hosted and produced a public affairs radio show and we did an improv sketch comedy segment called, "Transform goes to Rage-aholics Anonymous" I brought in my improv comedy friends and they were so funny.

It was hilarious, really, but the reason behind it wasn't. I've known for a long time that my anger isn't simply anger, now I know it's PTSD, it's rage at the abuse from my childhood, I recently learned that it's also rage at society and my families secondary wounding (blame the victim), and now i also know that it's part of my codependant dance with my AH.

When i get angry, I have to deal with it asap or things get ugly. you don't even want to know.

But. I also interviewed Indigenous Leaders from around the world; Medicine People, Tribal Elders, my Elders. And they all told me the same thing, in different words: We are in times of escalated transformation. Anyone who wants to at this time can access massive assistance in spiritual healing.

So, I pray. Sometimes I scream and cry. But always, always the help comes. Leaving AH is the start of something amazing, I can feel and see it already. I am faced with myself over and over again. That is always the answer. Look at myself and find compassion for myself first, then I can extend it to others.

The teacher at yoga? Look at yourself. She is just the teacher, not my father or mother. She has no power over me. Just go to yoga.

My kids going crazy? Look at yourself. They just want my attention and comfort. I find a way to overcome my anxiety, face and accept I had no role models for loving parents as a child, stop whatever I'm doing and give them loving attention, and they are fine.

I heal myself, I heal them.

And yes, i believe we choose all of this. We choose our parents, we choose this life. I have been taught that true freedom comes from finding a peaceful place where I can watch my emotions rise and fall. Our emotions are not the true story of who we are, just our emotional reactions to circumstances.

Thank you for letting me process externally and remember all of this. I had forgotten.

As paradoxical as it is to me, the most compassionate thing for my AH that I have done is leave him and detach. He drove me crazy for 14 years.

Now I turn away and look at myself. It's getting easier.

Learn2Live

Transform, sister, there are just some people who no matter what you say or do, they will always try to control you. My understanding of that, thru my own recovery work, is that the need to control grows out of fear.

You just keep doing what you know is right for you and if she has a problem with it, let her act like a fool. Don't buy into her stuff by getting angry. I know, easier said than done, because I have to put up with that $hit every day of my life. My boss tries to control me. It's like poking a caged cat with a stick.