Where to find the answers...
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Ah Ha...LD
My penchant for perfectionism came from growing up with a Mother who was Boarderline Personality Disordered. Ouch!
Thing with life I'm finding is that once I think I have it all figured out...the rules change. So on I go... keep doing the best I can and yes...in some situations my best was good enough. One's best is all one can do.
I may not make the same mistake twice, I just make different ones and yes I too learn from them. I see life as an ongoing classroom also and even have a few degrees from the "School of Hard Knocks"
My penchant for perfectionism came from growing up with a Mother who was Boarderline Personality Disordered. Ouch!
Thing with life I'm finding is that once I think I have it all figured out...the rules change. So on I go... keep doing the best I can and yes...in some situations my best was good enough. One's best is all one can do.
I may not make the same mistake twice, I just make different ones and yes I too learn from them. I see life as an ongoing classroom also and even have a few degrees from the "School of Hard Knocks"
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
LaTeeDa, thanks you so much for sharing this topic. 
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
Like many others, I came to this forum seeking answers. Answers to questions like "What should I do in this situation?" Or "How should I respond to that circumstance?" My natural M.O. was crisis management. I had lived with an alcoholic for so long, I had gotten very adept at micro-managing every aspect of life. So much so, that I lost sight of the big picture.
It may sound too simplistic, but it was this very thing(crisis management) that brought me to the realization that I had hit a brick wall and that obviously needed help. I 'hit bottom' in stages and I continue to grow and change with each new challenge & phase of my life. The difference for me now is that I have some good framework to follow, along with the knowledge and experience that I have gained by my own efforts, successes and failures too.
Today I was reminded that it's not about finding the answers. It's really about learning the right questions. SR, Alanon, therapy, etc. will only frustrate you if all you want are answers.
And....if all I get are answers, I have been 'in effect' given a fish but not taught how to catch my own dinner. jmho...it's not the most respectful thing I could do for someone else by taking away their dignity and right to choose or do for themselves. I certainly would not allow someone else to do that to me.
This is just one more reason why appreciate sharing only from experience, keeping in mind that it's not up to me to do the work for someone else; nor is it alright for anyone else to do it for me. I love sharing ESH...but more than that, I appreciate it when others allow me to be myself and to find my own way.
Of note...it wasn't until I was on the receiving end of codie behavior that I realized what it can be like on the other side of it. Today, I'm grateful to share the respect of several people close to me. These people will listen and share but not tell me what to do...and I try to reciprocate with the same..
I know I wanted someone to tell me what to do. Tell me which action to take that would yeild the desired outcome. I didn't want to ask myself the hard questions. I had grown accustomed to my little box and I wasn't interested in venturing outside it, thank you very much. Just tell me what I need to do to make things work the way I want them to and I will be on my way, lol.
My experience was a bit different, because I had read tons of recovery material in relation to my work and church activities; before I was faced with addiction in my own family. I knew the practical stuff and could often recongnize it in others.
What I needed was to listen and learn about what was going in in _me_ in order to get past some of my denial. I really did not 'see' things as they were. I already knew alot about this recovery stuff...but desparately needed to find more personal awarness...acceptance and action.
The answers are always found inside us. We just need to learn to ask the right questions. I am grateful for the insights I get from this forum every day.
Me too. It's not easy to seek change and it requires courage to do the work.
Thanks again for sharing, this is a great thread.
L
It may sound too simplistic, but it was this very thing(crisis management) that brought me to the realization that I had hit a brick wall and that obviously needed help. I 'hit bottom' in stages and I continue to grow and change with each new challenge & phase of my life. The difference for me now is that I have some good framework to follow, along with the knowledge and experience that I have gained by my own efforts, successes and failures too.
Today I was reminded that it's not about finding the answers. It's really about learning the right questions. SR, Alanon, therapy, etc. will only frustrate you if all you want are answers.
And....if all I get are answers, I have been 'in effect' given a fish but not taught how to catch my own dinner. jmho...it's not the most respectful thing I could do for someone else by taking away their dignity and right to choose or do for themselves. I certainly would not allow someone else to do that to me.
This is just one more reason why appreciate sharing only from experience, keeping in mind that it's not up to me to do the work for someone else; nor is it alright for anyone else to do it for me. I love sharing ESH...but more than that, I appreciate it when others allow me to be myself and to find my own way.
Of note...it wasn't until I was on the receiving end of codie behavior that I realized what it can be like on the other side of it. Today, I'm grateful to share the respect of several people close to me. These people will listen and share but not tell me what to do...and I try to reciprocate with the same..
I know I wanted someone to tell me what to do. Tell me which action to take that would yeild the desired outcome. I didn't want to ask myself the hard questions. I had grown accustomed to my little box and I wasn't interested in venturing outside it, thank you very much. Just tell me what I need to do to make things work the way I want them to and I will be on my way, lol.
My experience was a bit different, because I had read tons of recovery material in relation to my work and church activities; before I was faced with addiction in my own family. I knew the practical stuff and could often recongnize it in others.
What I needed was to listen and learn about what was going in in _me_ in order to get past some of my denial. I really did not 'see' things as they were. I already knew alot about this recovery stuff...but desparately needed to find more personal awarness...acceptance and action.
The answers are always found inside us. We just need to learn to ask the right questions. I am grateful for the insights I get from this forum every day.
Me too. It's not easy to seek change and it requires courage to do the work.
Thanks again for sharing, this is a great thread.
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I thought of some more.
Why did I cling so desperately to a relationship that caused me so much pain and misery?
Why was I so eager to believe his words, even when they were the polar opposite of his actions?
What was I teaching my children by my example?
L
Why did I cling so desperately to a relationship that caused me so much pain and misery?
Why was I so eager to believe his words, even when they were the polar opposite of his actions?
What was I teaching my children by my example?
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
My crosses to bear: perfectionism, altruism, trying so hard to make everyone else happy that I forgot all about making myself happy!
I read a book many years ago when I was at a cross-roads in my life. It helped me to dig deep and go after what I really wanted (at that time it was to go back to school). The book is called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Great book.
Oh and I forgot....I have pages and pages of psycho-dramatically planned speeches that I have written to my ABF, all in a feeble attempt to *convince* him to change his ways, none of which I ever actually used on him. But those pages ended up having a good upside. As I read them now, they all say the SAME thing! 4 years and I'm still writing the SAME story!
I hope that I will someday learn....Being hear certainly helps a great deal!
I read a book many years ago when I was at a cross-roads in my life. It helped me to dig deep and go after what I really wanted (at that time it was to go back to school). The book is called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Great book.
Oh and I forgot....I have pages and pages of psycho-dramatically planned speeches that I have written to my ABF, all in a feeble attempt to *convince* him to change his ways, none of which I ever actually used on him. But those pages ended up having a good upside. As I read them now, they all say the SAME thing! 4 years and I'm still writing the SAME story!
I hope that I will someday learn....Being hear certainly helps a great deal!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
What a FANTASTIC thread, it was before my time here at SR so I had to bump it today when I stumbled upon it.
My questions have changed tremendously over the course of my recovery, but I think my starting point was similar to LTD's original post in this thread.... I wanted & expected answers, not the suggestions that I needed to work on ME. I wanted a step-by-step checklist of how-to's that would take me from Point A to Point B, thank you very much.
I viewed all of my negative traits as justifiable reactions to AH's behavior (read: his fault) & thought that if he "would just act right" then my reactions would disappear as well. I was convinced I was *right* & he was *wrong* & it was all simply that black & white.
It took me a lonnnnnnnng time to change my thinking to see that all those years, they were actually my ACTIONS, not REactions.
My questions have changed tremendously over the course of my recovery, but I think my starting point was similar to LTD's original post in this thread.... I wanted & expected answers, not the suggestions that I needed to work on ME. I wanted a step-by-step checklist of how-to's that would take me from Point A to Point B, thank you very much.
I viewed all of my negative traits as justifiable reactions to AH's behavior (read: his fault) & thought that if he "would just act right" then my reactions would disappear as well. I was convinced I was *right* & he was *wrong* & it was all simply that black & white.
It took me a lonnnnnnnng time to change my thinking to see that all those years, they were actually my ACTIONS, not REactions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by NYC_Chick
My personal favorite question I asked here was weather xabf drank because he was depressed or was he depressed because he drank. Someone simply wrote back..."it doesn't matter." That was a huge turning point for me because it forced me to take the focus on me and not him.
So freedom to focus on myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I think LTD might be my SR hero. Her old threads really, really resonate with me. Anytime I do a search and one of her threads pop up it's almost always guaranteed to be a goodie.
Thanks for bumping this one, Firesprite!
Thanks for bumping this one, Firesprite!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
~~bumping~~
I just returned from a week of being Lost in the Mountains. (a wonderfully unique experience for someone who spends their life just barely above sea level, lol)...... this "retreat" of sorts resulted in all kinds of new questions bubbling up to the surface.
I half-expected this to happen - I was travelling solo, strictly for leisure, for the first time since DD was born. (I've taken many shorter business trips & we've done family vacations.) I finally had time to focus on just me & my thoughts for days at a time.
While my questions today are very different than they have been in the past (the process keeps moving & the questions keep changing) this exercise is still SO incredibly valuable no matter where you are in your path of recovery.
I just returned from a week of being Lost in the Mountains. (a wonderfully unique experience for someone who spends their life just barely above sea level, lol)...... this "retreat" of sorts resulted in all kinds of new questions bubbling up to the surface.
I half-expected this to happen - I was travelling solo, strictly for leisure, for the first time since DD was born. (I've taken many shorter business trips & we've done family vacations.) I finally had time to focus on just me & my thoughts for days at a time.
While my questions today are very different than they have been in the past (the process keeps moving & the questions keep changing) this exercise is still SO incredibly valuable no matter where you are in your path of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Thanks for bumping, FS--I can't believe I missed this when you bumped it in June of last year! Glad I caught it this time around.
Also glad you had your trip, your time to yourself, and the opportunity to listen to the new questions that rose to the surface.
Also glad you had your trip, your time to yourself, and the opportunity to listen to the new questions that rose to the surface.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 34
Why the urgency?
That is the question I ask myself a thousand times a day.
Why must I figure everything out right now?
Why do I need to make huge life decisions right now?
I have lived with my AH for 20 years, tolerated everything for 20 years. For some reason now that he is attempting sobriety I feel rushed to make a move, a decision, a choice.
I am a fact based person and I need to remind myself I don't have all the facts yet. Although he is sober, he is not in recovery, a distinction I am coming to understand through counseling, reading, and this site. Will he start again, maybe. Will we save our marriage, maybe. Should we save our marriage, maybe.
I am learning to get comfortable with the maybe. I am doing this by accepting I can't control his drinking, his recovery, his success or failure. But I can recognize that I and my daughter are safe, I have a good job which will allow me to leave if that is the need at some point. I can afford to feed, house, and clothe myself and my daughter alone if the need arises. I have family and friends to help and support me when I need it.
I have time. I can wait to get more information. I have a plan for whatever choices I have to make. But I do not need to make them today. When I remember this I find some peace even in the chaos.
Why must I figure everything out right now?
Why do I need to make huge life decisions right now?
I have lived with my AH for 20 years, tolerated everything for 20 years. For some reason now that he is attempting sobriety I feel rushed to make a move, a decision, a choice.
I am a fact based person and I need to remind myself I don't have all the facts yet. Although he is sober, he is not in recovery, a distinction I am coming to understand through counseling, reading, and this site. Will he start again, maybe. Will we save our marriage, maybe. Should we save our marriage, maybe.
I am learning to get comfortable with the maybe. I am doing this by accepting I can't control his drinking, his recovery, his success or failure. But I can recognize that I and my daughter are safe, I have a good job which will allow me to leave if that is the need at some point. I can afford to feed, house, and clothe myself and my daughter alone if the need arises. I have family and friends to help and support me when I need it.
I have time. I can wait to get more information. I have a plan for whatever choices I have to make. But I do not need to make them today. When I remember this I find some peace even in the chaos.
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