kv816

He called me one more time last night right after I went to bed. I think I handled myself well; I feel pretty confident anyway.

He said he was tired of this fighting and it needs to stop. I said I agree. He asked how we do that. I said couples counseling or rehab (said for the umteenth time). Surprisingly, this time he didn't fire off about it. He said his anger and disappointment was that I lied to him. I repeated that I did not lie to him. I said I understand that he wants and should be able to believe what a 10 year old says but the fact is she did not see me do anything with anyone because it didn't happen. I'm not calling her a liar, I'm sure she did see someone with someone but it wasn't me. He just did his usual sarcastic "yeah". I said you say you believe me but you also believe her. You can't do that. I said if you want this to work then you are going to believe me and accept that she saw someone but it wasn't me. He was quiet.

He said it didn't matter anymore. I said it does matter to me. I have not done anything that he and his sisters claim I have and I will not live a life defending myself over things that never happened. He has to work on his insecurity, self-esteem and paranoia or this relationship has failed permanently. He asked if I love him as much as I always said I did then why would I be willing to throw everything away over something like this. I told him it's because I want to give my everything to someone who will accept it. We started going in circles then....but I did accept that you give me your everything, no you don't because you believe your cousin and niece saw me first all over then hugged up on then just a hi hello haven't seen you in forever kind of hug with someone, oh but a 10 yo wouldn't lie, I think she did see someone but it wasn't me, yeah whatever.

I ended the call by saying I love you but if you don't trust me then it doesn't matter how much I love you. I am making an app for couples counseling this week and I'll be going to an open AA meeting on Wednesday and Saturday night. Call me when you want to come with me. Good night.

He hung up on me.

Did I handle that okay? Was I demanding? In a way I kind of feel like I was because again it comes out like "you do this or this or this is what happens". Again I don't mean to sound like an ultimatum but I'm not doing this up and down anymore. He tried every quack in the book but I kept thinking of every post on here where everyone finishes with "stay strong" or "stick to your guns".

But I do feel good about it. And I will not be calling him today. I will not ask him again for counseling or rehab. I will wait. I will stay strong and stick to my guns. I am okay without him and I don't need what's been going on. Yesterday I was upset because I felt like I was being punished for something I didn't do. But today I feel good because I don't care what other people say about me if I know the truth.

I'm going to have a good day today. I'm going to laugh and smile and talk to people. I'm going to take my dogs for a walk tonight. I'm going to make an awesome, hot dinner (poor kids had pizza rolls Saturday and hot dogs last night). I'm going to watch tv and enjoy the show. And I will not pick up my phone to call him.

gerryP

I like the plan you have for yourself and children today/tonight. That sounds very healthy.

Have you honestly thought about leaving your he said, she said, chaotic, argumentative, power struggle of the on again, off again relationship firmly in the past, so you can leave yourself open to meet someone else?

I wish you well.

veryregretful

I think you handled it good. I really don't know your situation but my AH has been gone for over 2 weeks and still actively drinking. I had a situation with his brother about a cellphone he was cancelling on our family plan and he needs to stay on it cuz I can't afford his portion. he made an agreement with me. Anyways, I called my AH to tell him what his brother was doing and what to do. He said what an idiot and blah, blah, blah. this was in the afternoon. By 8:30 at night he started calling me on the house phone first to see if I was home then the cell and to tell me that I was sleeping with his brother and that he saw his car in front of my house when it wasn't. I was very calm and not yelling at him. He kept calling till 2:30am. I know I shouldn't have answered the calls but I did and was still very calm. He yelled and whatever else he said. Didn't pay much attention because he was drunk and it was the same thing. Because of his phone calls he reminded me of why he was not living at home. I'm right now not going to call and text him. I am mad at him. We were talking about what we were going to do and try to reconcile but after that night I don't know anymore.

My AH knows what he has to do to come back home and I'm not going to remind him about it. I know he is not calling me because he's blaming me for everything. Oh well, I know I did nothing wrong. Yes, i will admit i did some stupid stuff but never hurt him. I was a b-word and i will admit that but not anything else. He has hurt me millions of times and the reason he's out is because of the verbal abuse to the kids and me.

I myself vow not to call him today or tomorrow. I plan on food shopping for the kids. coloring the gray out of my hair and taking the dog for a walk. I think that's all about what I can handle right now. At least I have a plan.

Trying not to call is very hard. But I didn't call yesterday and haven't done so yet so maybe the urge today will be less.

I doubt i helped but anyways you have a plan today and try to stick to your guns. I'm trying also but it is very hard.

P.S. I feel very bad about what my kids have been eating. hot pockets, cereal, grilled cheese, chicken nuggets and my kids are 14. I have to get on the ball and start cooking healthy for them and being thier mom

Pelican

When suffering becomes more difficult than changing, it's time to change.
There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. It's not giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people or the drama they bring.

That is from your signature line.

I hope you are finished with his drama. His recovery. His choices. His truths.

I think your plan for today is terrific. I hope you have a day filled with love for yourself and your children.

Dreamer42long

I have to chuckle when I read your post. Why do they always immediately think your fooling around on them? My ABF was SO sure I was constantly fooling around on him. I never cheated, but of course, he doesn't believe me. He keeps saying, "You know you're just dying to admit that you cheated, so go ahead, I'm waiting." I respond, "Sorry, I'm not admitting anything because it's all in your head." Oh how they hate being told that they're paranoid!! Hang tough girl!

You did great!

kv816

I started a thread a month or so ago titled "the things we don't (won't) miss"; I'm adding that!!!

OMG If I NEVER hear that one again it'll be too soon!!!!

Jadmack25

Last time I heard that stupid comment, I looked all interested and asked him, "so who is she and how long have you been seeing her?" He said it was me who "must be playing up", and I just told him it was not me, so guess he was hitting me with what he was doing himself.

AND I WAS RIGHT.

God bless

tjp613

YEP!! Same here. Every single time I got that line from my XABF he was actually the one that was cheating. Every....single....time.

naive

ditto here.