Trying not to call/text/visit him
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Ladies, I applaud you.
I know very well that this really really hurts.
Some day down the road you will hardly ever even think of it
and the way you think about it will have changed very much.
Please accept my best wishes for each of you.
I know very well that this really really hurts.
Some day down the road you will hardly ever even think of it
and the way you think about it will have changed very much.
Please accept my best wishes for each of you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Hey Normae welcome to SR. I don't know if this helps but I hope it does. I first joined this site in July. I was with my BF for three years - OK so we didn't have kids together but I did and do love him so much. We never really argued and generally life was one long laugh for us!
He finished with me - out of the blue - at the end of May (dragging it out until mid June while he made up his mind!) then suddenly went no contact. I thought I was going to die from the pain. In fact I truly believe I could have done - I had that knot in the stomach feeling 24/7 for a couple of months after - and still think about him loads. I still miss him but do you know, he has done me the biggest favour in life. And so many wonderful SR members - such as Taking Charge 999, Livewyrd, Bookwyrm, Learn2Live, helped me through that pain day by day. Now, I still want him to phone, but only to tell him where to go!!! I know it's harder for you as you have children. But seriously, stick with it. It is hard - even now I miss our good times together - but a month ago or so I found some emails I'd written to my closest male friend spanning between about January 2007 and January 2008 and at times they were lovey dovey but also much of the time they were filled with anger at him for finishing with me - again - or being abusive (I've somehow managed to block this out so reading this in my emails overwhelmed me to tears) or I was indifferent to whether he picked up the phone or not! I seriously believe if you write down all his bad points, highlight particular incidents and the feelings that stemmed from them, you will make progress in the right direction. I know doing that, combined with 'blogging' on here and reading back through all my posts and seeing the way I've come on since July, has helped me no end. Good luck!
He finished with me - out of the blue - at the end of May (dragging it out until mid June while he made up his mind!) then suddenly went no contact. I thought I was going to die from the pain. In fact I truly believe I could have done - I had that knot in the stomach feeling 24/7 for a couple of months after - and still think about him loads. I still miss him but do you know, he has done me the biggest favour in life. And so many wonderful SR members - such as Taking Charge 999, Livewyrd, Bookwyrm, Learn2Live, helped me through that pain day by day. Now, I still want him to phone, but only to tell him where to go!!! I know it's harder for you as you have children. But seriously, stick with it. It is hard - even now I miss our good times together - but a month ago or so I found some emails I'd written to my closest male friend spanning between about January 2007 and January 2008 and at times they were lovey dovey but also much of the time they were filled with anger at him for finishing with me - again - or being abusive (I've somehow managed to block this out so reading this in my emails overwhelmed me to tears) or I was indifferent to whether he picked up the phone or not! I seriously believe if you write down all his bad points, highlight particular incidents and the feelings that stemmed from them, you will make progress in the right direction. I know doing that, combined with 'blogging' on here and reading back through all my posts and seeing the way I've come on since July, has helped me no end. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
today my AH is taking both kids out to dinner. My daughter has a lot to say and I hope she has the oppurtunity to say what's on her mind. My son is still very angry at him and doesn't want to go but my daughter told him he is going and that their dad needs to hear how angry my son is with him. they are 14 year old twins. I'll be here for them when the come home if they want to talk or that can wait till tomorrow because I know it will be very emotional for all of them. My daugher wants him to come home only if he is sober and will never drink again. She doesn't want to go through the hurt again. She's going to tell him this. I wish I had her strength now. She's 14 but a spitfire.
I'm kind of nervous about them going but they do need to see their dad. and him them. I explained he may say bad things about me or not. I'm not sure what will be said but I'm not going to worry about that. I can't control it anyways. I'm going to enjoy reading Codependent No More and realize that I'm definately a codie.
Thank you
Maybe tonight I"ll color my hair. lol I can't keep putting it off forever!!!!
I'm kind of nervous about them going but they do need to see their dad. and him them. I explained he may say bad things about me or not. I'm not sure what will be said but I'm not going to worry about that. I can't control it anyways. I'm going to enjoy reading Codependent No More and realize that I'm definately a codie.
Thank you
Maybe tonight I"ll color my hair. lol I can't keep putting it off forever!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Regretful, go and colour that hair girl, and don't even bother about anything AH says about you to your kids, cause they know who YOU are and aren't silly enough to believe anything he says.
Anyway, that dinner hasn't happened, and if he continues as past dinner dates he's made, it may also not happen.
All we can do as mums in this sort of hassle, is to be loving, honest and reliably there for our kids, and help pick up the pieces when the poor kids have been shredded by others.
I love what an Alanon friend told her quacking husband as she kicked him out.
"I weaned my children off the bottle years ago, so you can go back to your mum until you are off yours."
God bless
Anyway, that dinner hasn't happened, and if he continues as past dinner dates he's made, it may also not happen.
All we can do as mums in this sort of hassle, is to be loving, honest and reliably there for our kids, and help pick up the pieces when the poor kids have been shredded by others.
I love what an Alanon friend told her quacking husband as she kicked him out.
"I weaned my children off the bottle years ago, so you can go back to your mum until you are off yours."
God bless
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
that is very funny!
I never could manage anything more than crying hurt...and I have to say mine left me.
But I would have gone back AGAIN for more, even more humiliated and alienated if not for that one task I set for myself.
And, yes, I do know how they arrange to bump into you.
It was worth me changing my routines around to avoid it.
Frankly I didn't do anything the smart way...but in the end, what matters is that I did do that one thing I had to do to "save my life"
Which was no contact and hang on here for dear life.
It has been well worth it.
Two years later he was in love and going to marry, I hear thro' the grapevine. Yes, still I hurt over it. THEN I get an email from a friend that she shot at him. I know he provoked her into it....the only difference between me and her is that she liked to hunt, owned guns and knew how to use them. She had never been in any trouble at all before. But now...she paid a huge price. And I am going to tell you that I know he dared her to do it. He dared me. I wanted to more than once.
I cannot imagine living that life anymore...I can hardly believe it was me. Actually I was so messed up, I had lost me.
I don't have to say he is a bad person or that I am..no matter what mistakes....I just had to remember that the relationship was TOXIC, POISONOUS, LIFE THREATENING.
I never could manage anything more than crying hurt...and I have to say mine left me.
But I would have gone back AGAIN for more, even more humiliated and alienated if not for that one task I set for myself.
And, yes, I do know how they arrange to bump into you.
It was worth me changing my routines around to avoid it.
Frankly I didn't do anything the smart way...but in the end, what matters is that I did do that one thing I had to do to "save my life"
Which was no contact and hang on here for dear life.
It has been well worth it.
Two years later he was in love and going to marry, I hear thro' the grapevine. Yes, still I hurt over it. THEN I get an email from a friend that she shot at him. I know he provoked her into it....the only difference between me and her is that she liked to hunt, owned guns and knew how to use them. She had never been in any trouble at all before. But now...she paid a huge price. And I am going to tell you that I know he dared her to do it. He dared me. I wanted to more than once.
I cannot imagine living that life anymore...I can hardly believe it was me. Actually I was so messed up, I had lost me.
I don't have to say he is a bad person or that I am..no matter what mistakes....I just had to remember that the relationship was TOXIC, POISONOUS, LIFE THREATENING.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 14
I made a list of positives and negatives when I was trying to decide whether to kick out XABF a few months ago. I listed all of the good points and every single bad point that I could think of and taped this list next to the phone. I make myself read the negative side (much longer than the positive side) whenever I feel tempted to call or email. I tend to glamorize the positive over time in relationships and fail to remember the hurtful scenes. When I read over it I usually have another "aha!" moment and never end up dialing or emailing. I don't know if that would be helpful to you but it works for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
He texts me this morning "Hello"
Then "wanna do something today"
This is the usual pattern of what happens, he pretends nothing is wrong and hopes I forget it! Well, I never forget, but I usually just push it aside because I think there's no point.
And...oh dear....I couldn't help it....I texted back.....I know!
I texted back something like "everytime you lie to me I lose more and more trust in you"
Like he was gonna care. Stupid me falling back into the old habits.
He, as always, texted me back after my text with "Nice day. What you doing"
!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh!!!
I envy people who are able to talk to their partners and have an adult conversation about how they're feeling and how the other is feeling.
Then "wanna do something today"
This is the usual pattern of what happens, he pretends nothing is wrong and hopes I forget it! Well, I never forget, but I usually just push it aside because I think there's no point.
And...oh dear....I couldn't help it....I texted back.....I know!
I texted back something like "everytime you lie to me I lose more and more trust in you"
Like he was gonna care. Stupid me falling back into the old habits.
He, as always, texted me back after my text with "Nice day. What you doing"
!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh!!!
I envy people who are able to talk to their partners and have an adult conversation about how they're feeling and how the other is feeling.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Norma,
It may feel like you couldn't help it. But, dear lady, you did decide to text. And that's okay. It is your life and your right to decide how you want to conduct it. You have the right and the ability to choose whether you want to text, phone, talk, have dinner, or spend the night with him. It's your choice. I am sorry if that is hard to hear. But I am remembering that one of the most helpful things someone (Morning Glory) came right out and said to me "You are in denial." And I say to you, you are in denial, if you believe that you are powerless over whether or not and how you use your phone.
It may feel like you couldn't help it. But, dear lady, you did decide to text. And that's okay. It is your life and your right to decide how you want to conduct it. You have the right and the ability to choose whether you want to text, phone, talk, have dinner, or spend the night with him. It's your choice. I am sorry if that is hard to hear. But I am remembering that one of the most helpful things someone (Morning Glory) came right out and said to me "You are in denial." And I say to you, you are in denial, if you believe that you are powerless over whether or not and how you use your phone.
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