Hammer

Better 18 years than 19?

honeypig

Tansy, so very, very sorry it came to this in the end. Take care of yourself and your kids. I hope you find some peace soon.

hopeful4

My XAH was sober for an entire year, but relapsed. Its very sad when they just dont have it in them to stop. Alcohol robs the lives of many. So sorry for all your going through.

Tansy

Thanks for all your replies. I feel happier then I've done since we've been together. He looking forward to moving on and thinks he can sort himself out (yet again) without me present. I hope he does but I hear him lying to his relatives on the phone making out I'm divorcing him over nothing now cos he's got it under control and I doubt it. I'm not divorcing him for nothing. I 'm divorcing him cos our marriage is destroyed and there is nothing left cos there never was anything. I was a soft landing place for him. It's been a steep learning curve not least cos I worked out I enabled him and that was the reason he wanted to be with me. He's happy if I meet someone else now he's got an out that suits him.
I'd also say come clean with your friends. I never told any of ours or mine until this week and they all knew. It's a relief they know. I've covered for him for years but everyone saw through it.
We've just got to get through the next few months to sell the house.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics only put booze down for themselves. If you do it for someone else it doesn't work. Perhaps loosing his family was his bottom. Nevertheless, don't even think about going back ... he still may drink again (with or without you).

Tansy

It's harder then I imagined. He's using some of my older adult children against me now and has got one enabling for him who is also moving with him whenever we sell the house. Her attitude is if I loved him harder he'd change. I know he won't and he won't for her either. Today he screamed in my face that he'd not turned any of my children against me that I'd done it myself for only caring about my youngest. I admit they are my priority partly cos they are disabled as well as minors but it doesn't mean I don't care about the others. However they' re all in their 20's and realistically we cannot cut a huge house in half and everyone live with one of us in one half its size. He screamed at me that I am disliked by everyone, a bully to him and have made him feel like a battered husband. He says I'm pathetic and a coward and can't face up to things or the fact at least two of my older children hate me. I'm why he drinks, he says. ( He drank when I met him. )Yes we've had some humdinger of rows but I never bullied him. He accused me of going out and getting drunk and said I'm a bad mother. I went out for coffee to get a break from the toxic air. That's it. I go once a week. I don't drink unless its out with friends for a meal. That happens 4 times a year.

On Thursday he got sleeping meds off his doctor. My dd went with him to get them. At least it's now on record he has a drink problem cos he admitted he'd said he has to the doctor. He's now taking them and still drinking. I warned dd he would be she didn' t believe me. They have "agreed two glasses a night." *sigh*

I'm isolated now. Our joint friends have all headed for the hills until things calm down cos he is rude and nasty to them when here and I have few friends of my own.

The situation is bad. Mentally I'm at rock bottom. I'm trying to find a rental place for me and the two youngest until the house sells but so many don't want children and I have pets no one will look after if I leave them here. It's a nightmare. His drinking has destroyed everything and he can't even see it. He's still blaming me, still making excuses, still latching onto enablers now I won't any more, still saying most people drink what he does.......etc etc. I just want it all to stop. That won't be any time soon tho.

Tansy

I also wanted to ask. How can I make sure I never choose an alcoholic again? Assuming there is an again lol. How would I know? He seemed like a normal weekend evening with mates in the pub type when I met him. How do you suss out whose a social drinker to one who isn't?

Tansy

He's moving out in 4 weeks when his sister will have space for him and I've stopped all discussion over the way he behaves. I realised I cannot change him, if he does something I ask it's cos it coincided with his own wishes and 9 times out of 10 it doesn't. He still drinking the night away, still peeing the bed - or now sofa which is ruined and still saying he's not got a problem. He said some truly terrible things to me that I sort of guessed but still hurt. I was easy for him and he knew the marriage, if you can call it that, was over years ago but it was easier to be here. Last time he left his sister begged him for both our sakes to stay away cos she could see how it is. He came back cos he didn't want to face up to life without his crutch, his money tap and someone to organise everything for him. Now I've stopped doing things for him and the money is sporadic cos we are so broke he's no reason to say. He never loved me. I was someone to latch onto and use and I allowed that. I'm having counselling to find out why. I need to know why I allowed that for 18 years. Even now he is saying "My sister will do" to everything he needs to organise ( even stuff he knows how to do himself). He refuses to use a computer so can't look for a flat or have an accurate bank statement etc.

Joint friends are now rallying round and are being very supportive. I 'm grateful for this cos I need them. One couple will still stay friends with him too. If he lets them. I doubt he will. He's not my problem any more. He never really was but at least soon I won't have to deal with the consequences of his drinking or the oppressive atmosphere that taints the house all the time when he pretending he doesn't feel like death from his excesses. I won't miss him. I wish I'd never met him.

honeypig

Hi, Tansy--I know there are plenty of folks here who've asked that same question so they can avoid making the same mistake again; you're not alone in that. I think one of the biggest things a person can do is to get as healthy as they can. It seems when we're strong, healthy and confident in ourselves, we don't attract people who are UNhealthy. Part of what has led at least some of us to the relationships we have w/our A's is our need to fix people, to be their caretakers, and that really shouldn't be the case in an adult relationship, right?

Here are some links that you might find useful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-need-fix.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

You also might find a lot of support in Alanon meetings. If you haven't tried one yet, I'd recommend it. All that time w/an active A will definitely have left a mark on you, and working your own recovery will help you make better decisions in so many different areas of your life.

I know there are others here who can address this better than I can, but I hope there's something there for starters, at least.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Thumper

Hang in there Tansy. I found the year surrounding the actual separating to be absolutely horrific really (and there was no physical abuse or fear of it for me) but it gets better. It really really does. You will find calm, peace, joy, and freedom soon. You can then focus on mending your heart and your soul. It is hard but worth it. Sending you strength today.

ETA: Your children will figure it out. No need to fight over them now - they are young adults and hard headed but not stupid. They will see the truth eventually. Be kind and loving and don't burn the bridges. My children were much younger and one of them hated me. He raged at me and told me I was wrong and ruined everything and I could fix it if I wanted. I can only imagine what his dad told him (or how it might have played out had he been older and more independent). He see's now though. They see who is stable, who loves them with their actions, who is there.

hopeful4

I am so sorry. It's so hard when they start in with the manipulation and lies. More hurtful than the drinking. I would encourage said children into Alanon or Celebrate Recovery so they don't end up a codependent mess themselves. I hope he figures himself out, and in the mean time I hope you find peace.

XXX

Santa

This sounds so much like my ex. He was insanely jealous and insecure. If I was out shopping and didn't hear my phone ring he'd accuse me of cheating on him. Said the children and our families knew the breakup was all my fault, everyone would hate me because the world knows he's a great guy. It would be funny if it weren't so pathetic.

Tansy

Wow the red flag list covers most of how he is or was. Thanks for that. I've only met one man not like the list in my whole life. Not great odds for finding a new partner in the future is it?

The manipulation bit I recognise from him and I also do it ( just texting people) when I need support cos of him from others. I need to stop doing that and stop expecting my friends to be supportive when I need to change my fixer attitude towards exah. I try not to be needy. I know its a put off for people and I am changing that gradually. It's difficult when the situation has become so intolerable I feel like only my friends are getting me through it. I know I 'm strong within but sometimes it gets buried. Then I tend to go to the other extreme and shut everyone out to deal with it.
I wish my children would seek help but they are adults and they see no need. They think his issues are his own and separate from theirs and he hasn't caused them any damage. They believe I've caused the damage by refusing to keep the status quo. They don't understand that I no longer had it within me to keep going. The love I had for him in spades left me as he gradually destroyed what relationship we had until I was just his carer. When I no longer wanted that role there was nothing left.
I don't ask for much. A reciprocal give and take relationship was all I wanted. Instead I ended up with a parasite who sucked me dry and then complained when I had nothing left. Never again. I don't even believe genuine compliments I get. It's bad when my bar is so low one who doesn't wet the bed would be an improvement. I can see me being single for the rest of my life now but part of me thinks it would be a real shame. I'm tired of being lonely and isolated. It's been a double whammy for me cos of having so may children on the autistic spectrum too.

Tansy

Thanks for the links. Alanon is not an option as in live in a rural area and have no transport to the nearest meeting. I think I feel overwhelmed with the enormity of the co dependency as I have been doing it since a child when I was put in positions of responsibility children should not be given. I'm not sure I can change cos I don't actually know where to begin. Part of the problem is I 'm still a carer and always will be to my severely autistic sons. My caring role will never end cos there is no one else to do it. How does that equate with stopping being co dependent?

Tansy

How do you all deal with relatives passing on bad news via texts? My family does this all the time, despite being asked repeatedly not too. They even told me of two deaths that way. The latest is my mother is seriously ill in hospital was sent to my child very late last night. ( they have phone numbers for me). It seems somehow related to how people view me, my opinions and my feelings being invalid and the whole co dependency thing but I can't work out how. I just know I find it really hurtful. In the same way my family are aware of the difficulties here but not one has asked how we are doing.