Is there room in this lifeboat for me?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
Is there room in this lifeboat for me?
I am new to SR and have an ABF who binge drinks. Binge drinking is very difficult to deal with because most of the time, he’s sober. When he’s sober, he’s quiet, kind, loving, romantic, and generous. However when he drinks, it’s excessive (a bottle of Vodka and a case of beer in 3 days) and he turns from a prince into a pr***k in every sense of the word. He’s never been physically abusive, but he is vulgar and verbally abusive. He’s lost many jobs because of his drinking. His family doesn’t want to deal with the problem. They tolerate it and enable him. I’ve tried countless times to get his family to help me do an intervention, but they won’t. They say he doesn’t need rehab, he needs therapy, which he absolutely refuses. Believe me I’ve tried. Besides, because he’s a binge drinker, he could easily sail through the 28 days of sobriety in a rehab and make everyone think that he doesn’t have a problem.
Each time he emerges from one of his binges, he swears it off for good and acknowledges that he knows it’s going to kill him and that he’s sick of being sick all the time, etc. So I believe him. But something always triggers another binge.
The most difficult thing for me has been trying to “get back to normal” after one of his binges. He expects me to act like nothing is wrong and expects me to “perform.” After 4 years of this roller-coaster, I finally got to the point where I couldn’t anymore. I figure, “what’s the use?” Everything finally came to a head a couple of weeks ago. He came down from one of his binges and came over my house. He stayed a couple of days, constantly trying to get physical. I tried to explain to him that I just couldn’t because of this problem. After 4 days of persistently trying to get physical and ignoring my feelings, he went back to his house. He lives between his house and mine (his house when he’s binging, mine when he’s not).
My roller coaster ride peaked last Thursday, when he called me at work telling me (or should I say yelling at me) that he was just at my house, took all his stuff and is leaving because he “can’t take my crap anymore!” And yes, he was drunk. For the next few days, he kept calling, always drunk, accusing me of cheating on him, telling me that my family hated him, and saying the most hurtful things he could think of. I was devastated. “After everything I’ve done for him!” I thought.
Then I found SR and started reading. My eyes have been opened and my heart may still be heavy and sad, but I now feel a sense of comfort that I have never felt in these 4 years. I suddenly feel like there may be hope for me and that I don’t have to take his behavior anymore.
I’ve made notes in my journal of several things that have been posted here because they are so inspirational. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I’m going to visit SR regularly to get the nourishment that I so desperately need to feed my soul and get my life back.
Thank you everyone! I'm trying to climb into the lifeboat and now I am hopeful that I will make it!
Each time he emerges from one of his binges, he swears it off for good and acknowledges that he knows it’s going to kill him and that he’s sick of being sick all the time, etc. So I believe him. But something always triggers another binge.
The most difficult thing for me has been trying to “get back to normal” after one of his binges. He expects me to act like nothing is wrong and expects me to “perform.” After 4 years of this roller-coaster, I finally got to the point where I couldn’t anymore. I figure, “what’s the use?” Everything finally came to a head a couple of weeks ago. He came down from one of his binges and came over my house. He stayed a couple of days, constantly trying to get physical. I tried to explain to him that I just couldn’t because of this problem. After 4 days of persistently trying to get physical and ignoring my feelings, he went back to his house. He lives between his house and mine (his house when he’s binging, mine when he’s not).
My roller coaster ride peaked last Thursday, when he called me at work telling me (or should I say yelling at me) that he was just at my house, took all his stuff and is leaving because he “can’t take my crap anymore!” And yes, he was drunk. For the next few days, he kept calling, always drunk, accusing me of cheating on him, telling me that my family hated him, and saying the most hurtful things he could think of. I was devastated. “After everything I’ve done for him!” I thought.
Then I found SR and started reading. My eyes have been opened and my heart may still be heavy and sad, but I now feel a sense of comfort that I have never felt in these 4 years. I suddenly feel like there may be hope for me and that I don’t have to take his behavior anymore.
I’ve made notes in my journal of several things that have been posted here because they are so inspirational. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I’m going to visit SR regularly to get the nourishment that I so desperately need to feed my soul and get my life back.
Thank you everyone! I'm trying to climb into the lifeboat and now I am hopeful that I will make it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Dreamer: I'm new here, too, and have learned SO much about my husband, who is in the process of leaving because he won't/can't deal with the issues that cause him to self-medicate with alcohol. To give up a 27-year marriage and 4 kids...that's how powerful this problem is.
I'm happy you found SR! You'll find so much experience, support, and wisdom here, all offered with love and understanding. Looking forward to learning with you.
I'm happy you found SR! You'll find so much experience, support, and wisdom here, all offered with love and understanding. Looking forward to learning with you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
welcome dreamer!
it is typical behavior of an alcoholic to want to sweep the past behavior under the carpet. mine used to say "that's in the past, forget it." however, how could i forget it when it remained unresolved and also, he was still drinking so it could happen again?
this made me daft...and i found my thoughts quite occupied with "is he drinking?", "what's he doing?", "is he safe?" "will he appear drunk or sober?" etc.
imagine if all that energy that we spend in our mind obsessing about our alcoholic was channelled elsewhere? like, into what we what to accomplish with our life?
good for you for being true to your own feelings and not letting him pester you into intimacy which you don't feel.
i think it's great that he has already come and taken his stuff from your house. i think it's great that he has his own house. that should make things easier for you, as you already have your own space.
perhaps try defining what your boundaries are with respect to your ABF.
it is typical behavior of an alcoholic to want to sweep the past behavior under the carpet. mine used to say "that's in the past, forget it." however, how could i forget it when it remained unresolved and also, he was still drinking so it could happen again?
this made me daft...and i found my thoughts quite occupied with "is he drinking?", "what's he doing?", "is he safe?" "will he appear drunk or sober?" etc.
imagine if all that energy that we spend in our mind obsessing about our alcoholic was channelled elsewhere? like, into what we what to accomplish with our life?
good for you for being true to your own feelings and not letting him pester you into intimacy which you don't feel.
i think it's great that he has already come and taken his stuff from your house. i think it's great that he has his own house. that should make things easier for you, as you already have your own space.
perhaps try defining what your boundaries are with respect to your ABF.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Dreamer!
It's funny you mentioned the life raft. I pictured SR as a life raft also. I wrote about it in September to a member (Cath1029) who was struggling with taking care of herself vs. going back to the rollercoaster ride with AH. This is the description (the person floating in the water with lifering is her AH)
Welcome to the recovery family!
I like your friends analogy of jumping off the cliff instead of hiding under the rock.
I was just picturing a life raft in the waves. You were thrashing in the water. Then you saw the raft within your reach and it was called the SS Freedom 1990. Yet you trashed in the water just within reach.
You noticed a lady on board wearing CatsPajamas, a Pelican perched on the side, a beautiful belgian shephard with a tag "Laurie", and this aura of GiveLove surrounding the raft. Yet you thrashed. Then you saw others climbing on board. Yet you thrashed alone. You could see someone familiar holding a life ring but they wouldn't let you hold onto that life ring. They kept you at arms length.
Suddenly the water is freezing. You need help. You reach out for the life raft and asked if they have room. Of course there's room for you! You climb aboard and notice there are so many different types of people on board. People with funny accents (from down under) there's this funny greeter Dee74, someone with a 2x4 stamped Anvil, and you feel like Alice in Wonderland. They hand you your own life preserver. Everyone has their own life preserver!
It's then that you notice the life raft is attached to the Dock of Life. You're free to come and go as much as needed. It's there to help you when you feel like you are in over your head!
Stick around and you'll get to meet the entire cast and crew yourself. We're glad you're here, we care about you!
It's funny you mentioned the life raft. I pictured SR as a life raft also. I wrote about it in September to a member (Cath1029) who was struggling with taking care of herself vs. going back to the rollercoaster ride with AH. This is the description (the person floating in the water with lifering is her AH)
Welcome to the recovery family!
I like your friends analogy of jumping off the cliff instead of hiding under the rock.
I was just picturing a life raft in the waves. You were thrashing in the water. Then you saw the raft within your reach and it was called the SS Freedom 1990. Yet you trashed in the water just within reach.
You noticed a lady on board wearing CatsPajamas, a Pelican perched on the side, a beautiful belgian shephard with a tag "Laurie", and this aura of GiveLove surrounding the raft. Yet you thrashed. Then you saw others climbing on board. Yet you thrashed alone. You could see someone familiar holding a life ring but they wouldn't let you hold onto that life ring. They kept you at arms length.
Suddenly the water is freezing. You need help. You reach out for the life raft and asked if they have room. Of course there's room for you! You climb aboard and notice there are so many different types of people on board. People with funny accents (from down under) there's this funny greeter Dee74, someone with a 2x4 stamped Anvil, and you feel like Alice in Wonderland. They hand you your own life preserver. Everyone has their own life preserver!
It's then that you notice the life raft is attached to the Dock of Life. You're free to come and go as much as needed. It's there to help you when you feel like you are in over your head!
Stick around and you'll get to meet the entire cast and crew yourself. We're glad you're here, we care about you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Pelican - That's pure poetry! This must be a mighty big life raft! Thank you for welcoming me aboard. And Dreamer - I was welcomed to this Life Raft 3 weeks ago, so may I humbly and with gratefulness for this Raft of Life say Welcome Aboard to you, too!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome Dreamer42long!!!
There's plenty of room in the life raft. You can feel free to come sit right by me. My XABF was an occasional binge drinker who slowly evolved into an everyday-binge drinker. When they say the disease is progressive it sure was true for him...it just took him a decade to fall as far as he did.
When we first got together, he probably could have gone a full 28 days without drinking, but by the time we separated, he couldn't go 2 days.
I found my solace here in January of this year after our relationship had degraded to the point where we lived separate lives in the same house. I had been struggling with my own demons up to that point (an eating disorder, smoking, depression, etc) and had been succesful in making healthy changes. The only area of my life I could not budge was him.
Through the support, experience, and hope of the members here I was able to accept that I did not cause his addiction, could not control it, and could not cure it. I was also able reach my own decision to leave him and let him live in his addiction without me.
Maybe your A's last call is the sign you need to move on with a happy life for yourself.
Keep posting and sharing. It's great to have you here!
Alice
There's plenty of room in the life raft. You can feel free to come sit right by me. My XABF was an occasional binge drinker who slowly evolved into an everyday-binge drinker. When they say the disease is progressive it sure was true for him...it just took him a decade to fall as far as he did.
When we first got together, he probably could have gone a full 28 days without drinking, but by the time we separated, he couldn't go 2 days.
I found my solace here in January of this year after our relationship had degraded to the point where we lived separate lives in the same house. I had been struggling with my own demons up to that point (an eating disorder, smoking, depression, etc) and had been succesful in making healthy changes. The only area of my life I could not budge was him.
Through the support, experience, and hope of the members here I was able to accept that I did not cause his addiction, could not control it, and could not cure it. I was also able reach my own decision to leave him and let him live in his addiction without me.
Maybe your A's last call is the sign you need to move on with a happy life for yourself.
Keep posting and sharing. It's great to have you here!
Alice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
Thank you all so much for making me feel welcome. I wrote my first post above just after midnight last night, then went to bed shortly thereafter. I want to share with you all that I slept better last night than I have in weeks! If that doesn't tell me something about the power of unity, I don't know what does!
I feel welcome and that means everything to me right now!
I feel welcome and that means everything to me right now!
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