help with boundaries/email
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Fantastic review!!
#3 is a might tricky one for me if I don't have #2 grounding me.
I can usual talk myself out of it by reminding myself that an orange jumpsuit in prison would be a horrifying look for me! HAHA
Alice
#3 is a might tricky one for me if I don't have #2 grounding me.
I can usual talk myself out of it by reminding myself that an orange jumpsuit in prison would be a horrifying look for me! HAHA
Alice
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Can I just say that I am no longer in love with my AH? I most likely will love him for the rest of our lives, simply becuase he's the father of my children. However, I've been seeing an awful lot of him lately and he is so predictable now.
The enigma is gone. He is no longer this mysterious man who capable of holding my well being in his hands. I see through his manipulations instead of being moved by them, like a living chess piece.
Earlier, I took out a video tape and re-inserted it to see if it would stop glitching out. "Yeah, like that's going to help!" he laughed. So did the 11 year old son. They both had a little joke between them.
This has always bothered me. Coupled with his confession that his father use to treat his mother this way all the time (before having an affair and running off) I have always been uncomfortable being the brunt of his jokes. Especially when my son joins in. He likes to claim that he respects women, but not me. And he's teaching our sons that I"m just a dumb girl, to be laughed at.
I should incinerate him. But instead, I'm going to put a stop to it and bring positive male role models into their lives. Whether he likes it or not.
So, today I saw this harmless little joke for what it is. And later, when I can have a quick word wtih him, I"m going to draw a new boundary and say something along the lines of:
If you don't stop disrespecting me in this way, making jokes about how stupid I am and laughing with our son at me, then you and I won't be spending time together with the kids.
There is so much more I could say about replicating the dominator model of soceity, about how it's essential they have a strong male role model but screw him. Wasted words, that's all it will be. And I get paid by the word.
I've talked to him long enough. I know what it gets me.
The enigma is gone. He is no longer this mysterious man who capable of holding my well being in his hands. I see through his manipulations instead of being moved by them, like a living chess piece.
Earlier, I took out a video tape and re-inserted it to see if it would stop glitching out. "Yeah, like that's going to help!" he laughed. So did the 11 year old son. They both had a little joke between them.
This has always bothered me. Coupled with his confession that his father use to treat his mother this way all the time (before having an affair and running off) I have always been uncomfortable being the brunt of his jokes. Especially when my son joins in. He likes to claim that he respects women, but not me. And he's teaching our sons that I"m just a dumb girl, to be laughed at.
I should incinerate him. But instead, I'm going to put a stop to it and bring positive male role models into their lives. Whether he likes it or not.
So, today I saw this harmless little joke for what it is. And later, when I can have a quick word wtih him, I"m going to draw a new boundary and say something along the lines of:
If you don't stop disrespecting me in this way, making jokes about how stupid I am and laughing with our son at me, then you and I won't be spending time together with the kids.
There is so much more I could say about replicating the dominator model of soceity, about how it's essential they have a strong male role model but screw him. Wasted words, that's all it will be. And I get paid by the word.
I've talked to him long enough. I know what it gets me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
You go girl!! We all deserve better. And you are seeing the many ways the A's (or jerks) in our lives dismiss, disrespect and abuse us. And our children are watching. We (and our husbands) teach them every day how to treat other people, how to treat women, how to treat the people you supposedly love the most in this life.
Another thread suggested choosing one or two incidents when your husband treated you in a way that made you uncomfortable. Write it down. Then switch places. Can you even imagine saying those things to your spouse? If not, trust your gut, something is very wrong, and it's time to look at what IS, not what we wish it would be.
Hope your Halloween is a great night for your kids. Please let us know how it goes. And we can talk about the wonderful life waiting for all of us on the other side of this.
Another thread suggested choosing one or two incidents when your husband treated you in a way that made you uncomfortable. Write it down. Then switch places. Can you even imagine saying those things to your spouse? If not, trust your gut, something is very wrong, and it's time to look at what IS, not what we wish it would be.
Hope your Halloween is a great night for your kids. Please let us know how it goes. And we can talk about the wonderful life waiting for all of us on the other side of this.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
UPDATE
AH stayed to hand out candy, his dad came by while I was out with the kids and they both were on the front porch when I got back.
they both sat around uncomfortably for about 10 minutes then AH's dad got the hell out of there. He was the least happy to see me as he's ever been. I have never seen the two of them sober together. It was awkward to say the least.
Today i set another boundary after AH called to discuss the up coming schedule, but shifted into how resentful he is that I"m going out of town to this conference. Screw him.
I told him, "this isn't ok, I"m not the person for you to talk to about your resentments towards me."
"I just need to get it out," he said.
I set him straight on a few things. He pulled out how his last vacation was spent moving "you and all your stuff into your new house."
I dont care about your resentments, I told him. You offered to move me and looked like you meant it.
You're right, he said, from now on I'll just take care of myself. I shouldn't have loaned you this money either,
I said I gotta go and hung up.
You guessed it, full blown texts apologizing next, he's sorry, he's not moving forward, will work on it to avoid pointless bickering, hopes we can move past it, hopes my trip is fruitful and i get a job bla bla bla
I used to save these texts and re read them. Delete.
I care less and less about anything he has to say. I can be friendly with him, which I think confuses him because I never have held these boundaries with him. He can always charm his way back in.
But he'll get it. I'll just keep igoring his stupidity and making a better life for me and the kids.
Oh, and after all this I went for along walk with my youngest guy and the littlest dog. It was glorious. the brilliant orange and yellow leaves rustling everywhere, 6 inches thick in some places.
I hope my AH decides to make his life better. He doesn't have me to kick around anymore then take his crap and listen to his crying and feed his ego. He's in a bad place, I knw that, but it's his making...
AH stayed to hand out candy, his dad came by while I was out with the kids and they both were on the front porch when I got back.
they both sat around uncomfortably for about 10 minutes then AH's dad got the hell out of there. He was the least happy to see me as he's ever been. I have never seen the two of them sober together. It was awkward to say the least.
Today i set another boundary after AH called to discuss the up coming schedule, but shifted into how resentful he is that I"m going out of town to this conference. Screw him.
I told him, "this isn't ok, I"m not the person for you to talk to about your resentments towards me."
"I just need to get it out," he said.
I set him straight on a few things. He pulled out how his last vacation was spent moving "you and all your stuff into your new house."
I dont care about your resentments, I told him. You offered to move me and looked like you meant it.
You're right, he said, from now on I'll just take care of myself. I shouldn't have loaned you this money either,
I said I gotta go and hung up.
You guessed it, full blown texts apologizing next, he's sorry, he's not moving forward, will work on it to avoid pointless bickering, hopes we can move past it, hopes my trip is fruitful and i get a job bla bla bla
I used to save these texts and re read them. Delete.
I care less and less about anything he has to say. I can be friendly with him, which I think confuses him because I never have held these boundaries with him. He can always charm his way back in.
But he'll get it. I'll just keep igoring his stupidity and making a better life for me and the kids.
Oh, and after all this I went for along walk with my youngest guy and the littlest dog. It was glorious. the brilliant orange and yellow leaves rustling everywhere, 6 inches thick in some places.
I hope my AH decides to make his life better. He doesn't have me to kick around anymore then take his crap and listen to his crying and feed his ego. He's in a bad place, I knw that, but it's his making...
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