The lying never, ever stops
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
The lying never, ever stops
He just lies right to my face about everything.
He is my boyfriend of 4 years.
He was broke of course.
I knew he'd borrowed money from somewhere because there was beer in the fridge and he had cigarettes.
I assumed he'd asked my mother for money because she is a walk over.
I asked him if he had borrowed money from her and he looks me right in the eye and says "No, no of course not"
Aaaaaarrrrggghhh. Of course I went home and asked mum and, yes, she had leant him $100.
Why? Why lie about something I'm going to find out about. She is my mother and she is not an addict and is NOT going to lie to me when I ask her.
I was so angry and texted him - "Ring me when you feel like telling me the truth all the time". Probably no point because he just doesn't get it. Haven't heard from in two days...the snake
Just lies right to my face. Such amazing disrespect.
Thanks for listening. Just need a place to vent really. I just want an honest relationship with someone....you know, someone real!
He is my boyfriend of 4 years.
He was broke of course.
I knew he'd borrowed money from somewhere because there was beer in the fridge and he had cigarettes.
I assumed he'd asked my mother for money because she is a walk over.
I asked him if he had borrowed money from her and he looks me right in the eye and says "No, no of course not"
Aaaaaarrrrggghhh. Of course I went home and asked mum and, yes, she had leant him $100.
Why? Why lie about something I'm going to find out about. She is my mother and she is not an addict and is NOT going to lie to me when I ask her.
I was so angry and texted him - "Ring me when you feel like telling me the truth all the time". Probably no point because he just doesn't get it. Haven't heard from in two days...the snake
Just lies right to my face. Such amazing disrespect.
Thanks for listening. Just need a place to vent really. I just want an honest relationship with someone....you know, someone real!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi norma-
totally relate. it shocking to discover the extent of the lies. and also, the conning and using people. other people become prey that can maybe be tapped for cash to get more alcohol. i think this eventually dries up, as friends and family get wise. perhaps advise your mother he will continue to play her until she says no. mine actually made up stories about his brother dying in order to elicit sympathy and a few drinks. ridiculous!
totally relate. it shocking to discover the extent of the lies. and also, the conning and using people. other people become prey that can maybe be tapped for cash to get more alcohol. i think this eventually dries up, as friends and family get wise. perhaps advise your mother he will continue to play her until she says no. mine actually made up stories about his brother dying in order to elicit sympathy and a few drinks. ridiculous!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
I wish $100 was alot to him. A slab of beer is around $40. A pack of cigarettes around $12 dollars.
My mum would've given him the money which he told her was for a vet bill or some big fat lie and then he would've got a slab and three pack of cigarettes with a bit left over for a pizza and mcdonalds.
I can't believe he goes to my mother for this...I feel sooooo bad about it.
My mum would've given him the money which he told her was for a vet bill or some big fat lie and then he would've got a slab and three pack of cigarettes with a bit left over for a pizza and mcdonalds.
I can't believe he goes to my mother for this...I feel sooooo bad about it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I don't think they think that deeply to figure out whether or not they are even lying. They just say whatever it is they need to say in order to keep you quiet, in order to protect the disease.
Once you get over the anger, etc, you begin to see this just as you see children. You can tell they are not telling the truth and you laugh at how they actually don't know that you see what they are doing very clearly.
Once you get over the anger, etc, you begin to see this just as you see children. You can tell they are not telling the truth and you laugh at how they actually don't know that you see what they are doing very clearly.
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A friend of mine, now sober, and quite well recovered, and btw quite intelligent and having a masters degree in biochemistry; responded to my questions to him about why alcoholics lie so much.
Answer; they just lie. becomes automatic. whether they believe the lie or not is unimportant, as it won't change a thing.
Lying is one of the things they use to protect the drinking, deny there is a problem, and keep people enabling them.
Advice from addiction specialists many of which are ex addicts; don't try to figure it out.PERIOD.
Answer; they just lie. becomes automatic. whether they believe the lie or not is unimportant, as it won't change a thing.
Lying is one of the things they use to protect the drinking, deny there is a problem, and keep people enabling them.
Advice from addiction specialists many of which are ex addicts; don't try to figure it out.PERIOD.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Addicts in active addiction are just that, addicts in active addiction…the lying makes total sense.
But I do wonder why did you need to know where the money came from?
The beer was right there , not hidden I tend to think that tells the story plain and clearly and with a most definitive truth. He is drinking…
And also does your mother know that she should be lending any money because it will probably end up supporting his habit? If not tell her and stress the importance of not contributing to his demise...
But I do wonder why did you need to know where the money came from?
The beer was right there , not hidden I tend to think that tells the story plain and clearly and with a most definitive truth. He is drinking…
And also does your mother know that she should be lending any money because it will probably end up supporting his habit? If not tell her and stress the importance of not contributing to his demise...
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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I've asked him repeatedly not to ask my parents for money.
My parents are wonderful people and don't need to be bought into this.
My mum's given him money before.
I ask him not to do things and he does them.
He has no respect for me.
He still owes me $1,000 from when I was playing the game and giving him money.
I'll never see it.
He laughs when I say he has an alcohol problem and says "no I'm haven't"
Give me strength
But his is not contacting me and it looks like he wont, because I, of course, am the one at fault, not him.
Why do I still care though?
Of course, he can't be like a normal person and say "Sorry for lying, but I was afraid to tell you"
He is like a 8 year old child
My parents are wonderful people and don't need to be bought into this.
My mum's given him money before.
I ask him not to do things and he does them.
He has no respect for me.
He still owes me $1,000 from when I was playing the game and giving him money.
I'll never see it.
He laughs when I say he has an alcohol problem and says "no I'm haven't"
Give me strength
But his is not contacting me and it looks like he wont, because I, of course, am the one at fault, not him.
Why do I still care though?
Of course, he can't be like a normal person and say "Sorry for lying, but I was afraid to tell you"
He is like a 8 year old child
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by normaeinstein 
He just lies right to my face about everything.
I asked him if he had borrowed money from her and he looks me right in the eye and says "No, no of course not"
Why? Why lie about something I'm going to find out about. She is my mother and she is not an addict and is NOT going to lie to me when I ask her.
I was so angry and texted him - "Ring me when you feel like telling me the truth all the time". Probably no point because he just doesn't get it. Haven't heard from in two days...the snake
Just lies right to my face. Such amazing disrespect.
I just want an honest relationship with someone....you know, someone real!
I asked him if he had borrowed money from her and he looks me right in the eye and says "No, no of course not"
Why? Why lie about something I'm going to find out about. She is my mother and she is not an addict and is NOT going to lie to me when I ask her.
I was so angry and texted him - "Ring me when you feel like telling me the truth all the time". Probably no point because he just doesn't get it. Haven't heard from in two days...the snake
Just lies right to my face. Such amazing disrespect.
I just want an honest relationship with someone....you know, someone real!
Glad you could get it out. I do hope you have benefit of Al-anon meetings near you. I have been helped SO MUCH by working an Al-anon program.
I'll share a few things from my own experience:
It's not personal. They lie because it's part of being an alcoholic or addict. Lying is a symptom.
If I know someone is going to lie to me, why ask them the question? I know the answer, I know they will lie. Why am I asking? What am I really trying to accomplish? To let them know I'm on to them? So that they don't think they can take advantage of me? Do I just need practice hearing them lie, me feeling angry and betrayed, them blaming me for it and disappearing? All of these options make me insane.
If I want an honest relationship with someone, I must begin with myself. Why am I paying more attention to someone ELSE's behavior than my own. If I want a REAL relationship with someone, how real am I? How available am I for someone "real." I am drawn to alcoholics for a reason.
Lastly, I will share that I had to come to realize that my choices NOT to fight or threaten or accuse had to come from MY OWN DESIRE FOR SERENITY. I stopped doing those behaviors to keep myself from getting nuts all the time. It wasn't to give permission for unacceptable behavior. But by no longer reacting, I started to pay attention to ME. And what I needed. And what I wanted.
It's kind of amazing how irrelevant an unavailable person wrapped up in their disease can become if I am practicing self-care. It takes a lot of practice but it's worth it.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by normaeinstein
Thank you abc,
Great advice. I need to get past me anger...can al anon help with that sort of thing?
Great advice. I need to get past me anger...can al anon help with that sort of thing?
It's impossible to describe in words the degree of resentment I felt toward the alcoholic who destroyed my life. With a LOT of work on my end, I was able to cope with those feelings and eventually begin to set them down.
Had I not done so, I would have died.
I am not exaggerating.
In Al-anon we work the 12 steps for ourselves. It's an amazing gift. I have been freed from so much misery. I'm not saying I never have problems now or bad days -- goodness, no. But I have so many tools now to deal with what (or who) comes my way.
This board has been wonderful for me, too.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I've asked him repeatedly not to ask my parents for money.
My parents are wonderful people and don't need to be bought into this.
My mum's given him money before.
My parents are wonderful people and don't need to be bought into this.
My mum's given him money before.
I ask him not to do things and he does them.
He has no respect for me.
He still owes me $1,000 from when I was playing the game and giving him money.
I'll never see it.
I'll never see it.
He laughs when I say he has an alcohol problem and says "no I'm haven't"
Give me strength
But his is not contacting me and it looks like he wont, because I, of course, am the one at fault, not him.
Why do I still care though?
Of course, he can't be like a normal person and say "Sorry for lying, but I was afraid to tell you"
He is like a 8 year old child
He is like a 8 year old child
And ok so he is acting like a little kid….but how he acts is his.
It is more important to look and see how you are acting and what your actions and reactions are toward him and if how you are right in this moment is ok with you….Are you feeling healthy, or insane…are you obsessing over things you have no control over, are you trying to get him to live and be how you want….and now ask of you is that normal?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
I was talking to a friend once about helping another friend and he asked me what my motives were. I told him she deserved to have a normal family, a normal life and I wanted to be able to help her get those things.
He asked me to describe normal. I described my house, my family.
He laughed at me and asked me what made me think that I was NORMAL.
He asked me to describe normal. I described my house, my family.
He laughed at me and asked me what made me think that I was NORMAL.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
To be normal is to be human. Of course he is normal. There is nothing wrong with him. He makes his own choices, just like we do.
But if you are not making your own choices, if you allow yourself and your life to be blown about by how someone ELSE chooses to act and behave, then of course you are not going to acknowledge that he is making his own choices.
It's one big circle of denial: I react to you and you react to me and round and round we go, where we stop nobody knows. Until YOU make the choice to break the cycle, you will continue to have these problems and complaints. Because HE is not going to break it. He has a progressive, fatal, incurable disease that does not allow him to at this time.
As for your parents, if it were me and my parents, I would stop ASKING him to stop doing what he has been doing and TELL him using boundary-setting. These are YOUR parents, not HIS. He is not going to treat your parents the way you want them to. So set a boundary with him for yourself and FOR them, just as you would do for your children. Then, TELL your parents what he is using the money for, that he is lying to them and TELL them not to get involved in his problems anymore. They are only supporting his demise, no matter what he says.
Good luck. Hope something here helps.
But if you are not making your own choices, if you allow yourself and your life to be blown about by how someone ELSE chooses to act and behave, then of course you are not going to acknowledge that he is making his own choices.
It's one big circle of denial: I react to you and you react to me and round and round we go, where we stop nobody knows. Until YOU make the choice to break the cycle, you will continue to have these problems and complaints. Because HE is not going to break it. He has a progressive, fatal, incurable disease that does not allow him to at this time.
As for your parents, if it were me and my parents, I would stop ASKING him to stop doing what he has been doing and TELL him using boundary-setting. These are YOUR parents, not HIS. He is not going to treat your parents the way you want them to. So set a boundary with him for yourself and FOR them, just as you would do for your children. Then, TELL your parents what he is using the money for, that he is lying to them and TELL them not to get involved in his problems anymore. They are only supporting his demise, no matter what he says.
Good luck. Hope something here helps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Thank you so much incitingsilence.
I've already read over this post 4 times.
I am definately feeling insane.
It's four days and no contact
Can't sleep, just keep thinking about 4 and half years of the same lies and cycles and behaviour (from him and me)
I keep thinking about how I never got a 30th birthday present whilst my best friend got swept off the rome by her boyfriend.
I keep thinking about the sneaking calls to his ex-girlfriend.
His hiding the exs number under a mans name in his phone.
His total unsupportive and dismissive attitude towards my illness.
His unavailability to help me when I had a photography exhibition interstate this year where I really needed some help and someone to go with me (funny, I got there and the two other women in the show had there partners right there helping....my sadness was overwhelming)
That constant gut feeling that something is wrong
The secrets
My acceptance and denial of all his behaviour
My acceptance and denial of all my behaviour
You know, I can't remember who I used to be before this.
I think I have been quite damaged by this relationship
I've already read over this post 4 times.
I am definately feeling insane.
It's four days and no contact
Can't sleep, just keep thinking about 4 and half years of the same lies and cycles and behaviour (from him and me)
I keep thinking about how I never got a 30th birthday present whilst my best friend got swept off the rome by her boyfriend.
I keep thinking about the sneaking calls to his ex-girlfriend.
His hiding the exs number under a mans name in his phone.
His total unsupportive and dismissive attitude towards my illness.
His unavailability to help me when I had a photography exhibition interstate this year where I really needed some help and someone to go with me (funny, I got there and the two other women in the show had there partners right there helping....my sadness was overwhelming)
That constant gut feeling that something is wrong
The secrets
My acceptance and denial of all his behaviour
My acceptance and denial of all my behaviour
You know, I can't remember who I used to be before this.
I think I have been quite damaged by this relationship
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Posts: 864
My acceptance and denial of all my behavior
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Hi Norma,
The lies my AH say are most of the time. I asked the questions even though I knew he was going to lie. Why did I do that to myself? I don't know. There are times he would lie to me about where I was or who was here and what he was saying was a lie but he would believe it. I never understood that and I never will. I don't lie. I did to him in the past in order to avoid confrontation. But my feeling is why should I lie. If I did something or want to do something just tell the truth. If it gets me in trouble fine or someone mad at me fine. Better to not lie. I knew he lied all the time. He would never admit it. I think it's part of the denial in his mind about his alcoholism.
The lies my AH say are most of the time. I asked the questions even though I knew he was going to lie. Why did I do that to myself? I don't know. There are times he would lie to me about where I was or who was here and what he was saying was a lie but he would believe it. I never understood that and I never will. I don't lie. I did to him in the past in order to avoid confrontation. But my feeling is why should I lie. If I did something or want to do something just tell the truth. If it gets me in trouble fine or someone mad at me fine. Better to not lie. I knew he lied all the time. He would never admit it. I think it's part of the denial in his mind about his alcoholism.
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"...It's not personal. They lie because it's part of being an alcoholic or addict. Lying is a symptom..."
I stated this elsewhere, but I guess it may need repeating here. Although lying about one's alcohol consumption may be a symptom of alcoholism, lying, in and of itself is NOT.
Some of the behaviors (and note that most are 'drinking' behaviors) associated with alcoholism can be, but not limited to,.....: craving for alcohol; drinking alone; Being secretive about drinking; lying about alcohol use; hiding alcohol or empty bottles; unpredictable behavior when drinking; anxiety in situations where alcohol is not available; increasing amount of alcohol consumption; passing out from alcohol consumption; memory blackouts (from alcohol consumption); being late for meetings or important appointments; "forgetting" social obligations or family responsibilities (more than likely due to alcohol consumption); using alcohol in times of stress; engaging in risky behavior when drinking (for example, driving); drinking in the morning and at other unusual times; calling in "sick" frequently (frequently on Mondays); often looking and feeling bad; denying that alcohol is a problem; physical dependence on alcohol; exhibiting withdrawal symptoms if alcohol is withheld.....
Alcoholics especially would probably love to foist their bad behavior onto their alcoholism, but that would be a lie. Neither alcohol nor alcoholism causes bad behavior. Yes, many alcoholics lie, or steal, or are manipulative, or are abusive.....etc., but it's NOT because they are alcoholics, it's because they're lying, stealing, manipulative, abusive.....etc. people.
NoelleR
I stated this elsewhere, but I guess it may need repeating here. Although lying about one's alcohol consumption may be a symptom of alcoholism, lying, in and of itself is NOT.
Some of the behaviors (and note that most are 'drinking' behaviors) associated with alcoholism can be, but not limited to,.....: craving for alcohol; drinking alone; Being secretive about drinking; lying about alcohol use; hiding alcohol or empty bottles; unpredictable behavior when drinking; anxiety in situations where alcohol is not available; increasing amount of alcohol consumption; passing out from alcohol consumption; memory blackouts (from alcohol consumption); being late for meetings or important appointments; "forgetting" social obligations or family responsibilities (more than likely due to alcohol consumption); using alcohol in times of stress; engaging in risky behavior when drinking (for example, driving); drinking in the morning and at other unusual times; calling in "sick" frequently (frequently on Mondays); often looking and feeling bad; denying that alcohol is a problem; physical dependence on alcohol; exhibiting withdrawal symptoms if alcohol is withheld.....
Alcoholics especially would probably love to foist their bad behavior onto their alcoholism, but that would be a lie. Neither alcohol nor alcoholism causes bad behavior. Yes, many alcoholics lie, or steal, or are manipulative, or are abusive.....etc., but it's NOT because they are alcoholics, it's because they're lying, stealing, manipulative, abusive.....etc. people.
NoelleR
Last edited by NoelleR; 11-02-2009 at 09:18 AM.
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