rdy4change

Hi everyone. I was fortunate to stumble across SR about a month ago and find myself reading day in-day out (not good when you're at work). But, I can say that it's nice to be able to identify with others who are in the same situation or who have experienced what I have not yet experienced and I can trust the advice that is offered and I'm willing to take it. Sorry this is long but I want to give you some background.

Lots of incidents and not really worth mentioning since I'm sure you've all been there. Held an intervention in June and he ended up trying to leave...we called the police and he blew a .274. I refused to care for him so they took him to detox for 4 days. I had a bed for him at a very well known treatment facility and he said he'd go. He never did. Most recently spent an entire day at the ER which showed he has an enlarged liver and is not producing platelets. The next day he was on his second drink by 10:00 a.m. I told him to choose. He chose the booze...surprise. I chickened out and a few weeks passed. I talked to him about it again, gave him an ultimatum and told him I would see an attorney. Again, he chose the liquor and when I said I would retain an attorney to protect me and our daughter, he said he understood. He currently drinks a 1.75 of vodka in two days. Mornings are great but after about 2:00 p.m. I can't talk to him because he's a jerk. We have a 3 year old daughter and I'm afraid of what I'm teaching her.

He is filing for bankruptcy (I'm not). Everyday stinks...I dread if he's home when I get there or when I see his truck pull in the drive. He always looks like he's in pain, his eyes are always bloodshot, he's bruising easily, doesn't eat and is probably down to 180 pounds if not less. He's 6'0 and hasn't been that weight since high school. He looks terrible and showers about every other day.

I know he didn't believe that I saw an attorney and one night I got up the gumption to tell him. He looked shock...I stayed calm. The next morning, I'm sure he didn't remember or believe me because we're back to 'normal'.

OK...all of that and my question is simple. Maybe not a question but more of the fact that I need a pep talk. My Marital Termination Agreement draft will be getting to me today and my attorney is awarding me everything since he won't be able to pay child support. For those of you who have left an AS...what gave you the gumption? I KNOW I can't live like this forever and my daughter deserves a healthy dad and happy mom but I'm scared to death of what he'll do. I have a great support system, my poor dad is going nuts and my brother is even willing to help me get a townhouse. WHY OH WHY is this SO HARD??

I'm so sorry everyone for how long this is. I think I've bottled it up for so long that I have a lot to say. Trust me...this post could have been much longer!!

I look forward to getting to know you all and hopefully helping someone else out if I can't help myself.

nodaybut2day

Hi and WELCOME!!

I think it's awesome that you found the fantastic people on SR and all its resources.

With regards to your last question, the thing that gave me that final push was imagining my daughter, who is now 1, being treated by her chosen partner the way my X treated me. I imagined her as an adult, crying, raging, screaming, trembling, questioning her very worth, despairing, feeling irrevocably trapped by the person she had chosen to love. I was horrified. I realized that though I want my daughter to have two parents and a traditional family setting, I was teaching her that it was ok for men yell, cuss, swear, frighten, manipulate and abuse women. I just couldn't deal with that. So I'm leaving. I'm choosing to focus on me, and what I need to be healthy.

I know the actual leaving is HARD (I'm doing it tomorrow). You feel guilty, scared, angry, *everything*. But the discomfort won't kill you. It's just uncomfortable. And you get through it. And another day comes along, and you're alive, you're with your daughter and you're one tiny step further away from that toxic person.

You have offers to help you. That's huge. Take them!

Good luck and keep posting

FindingPeace1

hey, ready!
I can't really speak to your problem because I didn't leave him, he left me. But I can tell you that there is a pile of loving, supportive, kick-your-butt-in-a-good way folks around here to help. Spill your guts. Be honest. They will care for you.
I can say I have learned (fast!) that your situation is not unique. Nor is mine. Or anyone elses. Alcohol does yucky stuff to people and the people that hang out with alcoholics (us) have our own stuff to deal with.

What does that mean? It means the folks here can give you a good sense of what is to come with your different options. It means you can let go of TRYING SO HARD because what is controlling this situation isn't you or him - its ALCOHOL. You can continue to make good choices. You can work on yourself and who you were in that relationship and who you want to be.

Look at you! You are doing it! You are setting boundaries. You are figuring out what you and your daughter need! Hooray! Hooray! Don't give up hope!

It is painful because you are breaking open to let in (and out) LIGHT!

I found this poem today and thought it was appropos (don't know who to attribute it to):
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
That its heart may stand in the sun
So must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder
At the daily miracles of your life
Your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
and you would accept the seasons of your heart
even as you have always accepted
the seasons that pass over your fields
and you would watch with serenity
through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you
heals your sick self.
Therefore, trust the physician
and drink her remedy in silence and tranquility;
for her hand, though heavy and hard
is guided by the tender hand of the unseen,
and the cup she brings, through it burns your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay
which the potter has moistened with her own sacred tears.


I can just imagine being on SR for years and watching us all wash in at every tide, hurt, confused and considering change (for ourselves). (wow)

Read the stickies. Read posts. Breathe.

Good luck.

ElegantlyWasted

The sad but true part of this, as best I can figure out, is that he need to figure it out on his own. Take care of yourself first. Get support detach. Alot of well intentioned "help" is actually enabeling the addict. To a non addict it would actually be appreciated help. Funny how it works. Try alanon, stickies on friends and family in this site and any one who has been. Through a similar situation. Best of luck alot of great people here as well with more pertinent experience to your situation than i have. Humbly on day 94.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. You can post and read anytime you feel the need.

What gave me the gumption?

I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I re-read my journals and the cycle kept repeating itself. Nothing was changing because I wasn't changing. I kept accepting unacceptable behavior.

I realized that his happiness was not more important than mine and our children.
I realized that his comfort was not more important than ours.
I realized that his needs were not more important than ours.

I wanted a relationship that was open, honest, forthright, and a relationship that respected me as an equal partner in life.

I wanted my children to know that our peace and serenity were important enough to me to make a stand. To make positive changes in our lives.

I want my children to know that I believe they are important and deserve a life of love and respect.

rdy4change

THANK YOU! As I expected, very insightful responses. Pelican you're right about his needs not being more important than ours! Elegantly Wasted...thank you for your comment about 'helping' is actually enabling...I need to remember that more often.

Today is my first step in holding my ground. I have invited AH's brother/wife and their kids (our niece and nephew) over to trick or treat tonight. AH does not like the wife and asked me to cancel their coming over or he would leave and get a hotel room. He doesn't want to because he wants to spend the evening with me and our daughter. I said no I won't uninvite them because our daughter has been looking forward to their visit all week.

I hope I'm doing the right thing...our daugher would never know the difference and would probably rather have her dad here for T or T but I know the difference and feel like I give in, then as usual he wins and what about future holidays?

Happy Halloween everyone...enjoy the evening.

canuckch

Happy Halloween

I am sure your daughter will have a lovely time T and T this year. This is great! You are doing something you will enjoy. Something for yourself. This is just the beginning.
Thank you for sharing

Still Waters

To add to Pelican's great reply: I left because staying was killing me. Slowly. And the guilt of allowing my child to be abused by my AH became too great. I just couldn't live in the insanity any longer. Leaving was HARD. I was so enmeshed in the crazy I could barely function, I couldn't think straight, I couldn't make decisions.

I was told I'd either make a marriage counseling appt. or I would "get out". In the session he declared that he didn't need counseling, that he wouldn't even know what to discuss with a counselor. That I was the one who needed help. He was right, I did need help - and I got it, and I got the hell out of that nightmare.

intheknow

My counselor said something interesting the other day. When I tried to describe to her the hole that he creates in me, she said...

"So he is sucking the life out of you?"

This is what is telling me that I need out. I have no idea what the holidays will bring either, but I do know that I think you did the right thing about tonite.

Just remember to breathe. That's all you can do sometimes.

intheknow

PS - I have never even made a turkey by myself, he has always done it. Don't think for a second that I am not going to try, though.