honoryourself

While working on the detachment part of this recovery process, I find there are times when I start to get pulled into things, realize what is happening, and back away. But I still feel like it's much easier if I'm occupied with something fun to do or some other distraction.
Sometimes however there are no obvious things to do and sitting at home with myself may lead to obsessive and negative thinking..

What are some of your strategies?

At first I would go to the library sometimes and read about boundaries.. haha.

I have met up with friends but I don't want to "use them up" or wear them out with my presence. At first I talked a lot about my problems and now am trying to not do that, and have been more successful with that!

I have gone to Al-Anon meetings

I have gone shopping

Any ideas? For things to do alone or with other people, a way to get your mind off things? I do enjoy nature and the fall beauty is in full swing but it is weather permitting, and also I tend to get a little sad going on hikes by myself wishing I had the company of my husband to join me, even though he'd probably be saying "I don't want to be hiking too long--I woke up early this morning and I'm tired."
lol.



My AH was very upset with me last night regarding this issue of me not inviting him out with my friend and whomever else was out. It did turn out that her fiance was there too. I didn't know what to say to him, I told him well maybe he feels upset that you didn't call about the engagement party or his birthday, and he said well no one called me for mine. OK. fantastic that you can justify it then. He kept pushing it and I said I didn't know what he wanted from me, I wasn't here to police his friendships for him, that's not my business. He claims that I'm usually the one contacted when we both get invited out and that clearly I was just not inviting him out. I said I'm sorry you feel that way, I just didn't hear you get invited so I didn't extend an invitation on their behalf.

He stomped away saying well let's see if you ever meet any of my friends because they haven't invited you personally.. or something silly and childish like that. He turned all regressive-behavior and went to bed. I just kept reading my codependent no more book.

Today I asked if he would like to hang out tonight and do something fun together. He went off about how I had been so mean to him the past few days and I was really hurting him and he wasn't going to live like this any more and some major things would need to change around here.

I said well I'm sorry you are feeling hurt. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings surrounding our situation too but I don't want to get into a finger pointing game over something that we haven't successfully been able to communicate over. We have a (our first) joint counseling session Sunday so I said, let's save this discussion for that environment so we can better deal with it. I said I'm sorry but I"m not responsible for explaining or changing my friends' feelings or behavior towards you. We've been having a lot of drama and not everyone likes to be around a drama couple. I said I know you felt left out last night, and I'm inviting yout o hang out with me tonight and do something fun. If you don't want to or don't think you can without bringing up a lot of hurt feelings and possibly getting into this argument, then I understand, and let's not push it.

After that bit he said something like "I have talked to a lot of different people about this and you are just plain mean. Bye."
Me:" Ok. Later."

Yeah, this is over chat, too btw.

I'm frustrated because the week has been good and I admit maybe my expectations were raising that we'd have something fun to do together for halloween, but I guess that's just not going to happen. I am getting more accustomed to not getting my hopes to high, I just don't really have a nice distraction for the weekend. I can understand he's upset and there's a lot of change going on around him that he's never had to deal with--I was always there to 'make nice' with friends and family after he upset me and I went crying to them. He will never learn his actions have consequences if I keep taking away the consequences for him.

Part of me is still hurt that him and 'a bunch of different people' are labeling me 'just plain mean' after I specifically tried to address the issue towards him with compassion and loving detachment, without taking responsibility for his feelings. I am sure his version of the story is very different though. Maybe I'm looking for external validation here, am I doing the right thing? The friends arena is something I had not anticipated dealing with. I'm ok managing myself in our personal interaction but bringing other people into the mix is something I'm struggling with.
He asked again point blank if they said they were uncomfortable around him. Do I say yes? I didn't answer bc by then he was saying something else. Do I avoid it? I don't want to stir the pot any more, but it's not me just sidling him out of activities. People don't want to be around him because he's been a jacka$$. Do I say that? Then he'll never want to be around them any more.. I guess that's his problem. But is it my business to tell him what other people are thinking?

Confused!

Learn2Live

I clean my house and pull weeds. Sounds boring but it keeps me busy.

honoryourself

LOL. yes I have gone on cleaning sprees when he's not there. Though part of me is resentful like, why am *I* the only one cleaning when this is HIS MESS too. haha.. same thing with yard work.

wanting

My STBX also used to tell me what "a bunch of different people" thought about me. I specifically avoided them and spent months questioning myself. These people contacted me after a few months and told me all that he'd been telling them about me. Predictably, he told them all the stories, minus whatever he had done. They really didn't take him seriously. But I didn't predict that just as he told me they didn't want to hang out with me, he told them that I didn't want to hang out with them. It was a real eye-opener for all of us. I wouldn't worry too much about the "bunch of different people."

As far as what to tell him about your friends...I really don't know what I'd do. I can totally understand your dilemma. I don't think it would be fair to the friends to tell him their opinion and feelings. I guess maybe I'd make into more of an "I" thing: "I needed some time out with my friends." Something like that. I never had to face this, because STBX never wanted to hang out with other couples or with any of my friends.

wanting

Oh, and one thing I have been doing for fun is creating playlists on Grooveshark.com. I also use Pandora.com to find more music that is like the music I already like. Then I can play good music while I clean my house.

nodaybut2day

If I didn't have a baby to run after and entertain, I'd be knitting, sewing, quilting, decorating, trying out new recipes, scrapbooking, making fun pictures montages to send to family in the US, doing yoga stretches while listening to music, going to milongas to dance tango, cleaning, going fabric shopping, ...oh the list is endless, but I never get to do any of this stuff because STBX never takes our daughter.

Not for long though...

cmc

For me it depends of the level of discomfort and the source of it. If I feel I need to redirect myself I'll usually try to do something to 'counter' what I'm doing that is not working.

So if I'm inside the house feeling crummy...I'll go outdoors to change my environment and activity. I've currently been pulling alot of weeds...but not for a distraction but because my yard was full of them!

I used to play ALOT of Soduko games online because it was impossible for me to even think of anything else when I was doing that. Watching a good film or sitcom reruns helps me too.

I also try to remember to use good self care...and ask myself if I've skipped a meal or otherwise gotten into a rut where I know I shouldn't be. Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired (HALT) are things I try to tend to.

Last but not least...coming here to SR is one of my most favorite distractions.