He joined an online dating website
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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He joined an online dating website
My A-soon-to-be-gone-H has joined an online dating website, and made it obvious to me and everyone else we know on FB. Jerk! 
So much for all his claims of love and faithfulness. We're not even divorced. Confirms my suspicions of his infidelity. Although he's accused me of infidelity, I have not ever done anything even remotely that could be mistaken for being unfaithful.
I'm PO'd, but whatever.
LOL - hope he has fun trying to get it up. He hasn't been able to do that for most of our marriage. Oh... and that was my fault, too.
Jerk! Did I already say that?
Good. Anger is good for me. Helps me shove him out the door and slam it behind him, as somebody said to me on SR.
Unmitigated jerk!
So much for all his claims of love and faithfulness. We're not even divorced. Confirms my suspicions of his infidelity. Although he's accused me of infidelity, I have not ever done anything even remotely that could be mistaken for being unfaithful.
I'm PO'd, but whatever.
LOL - hope he has fun trying to get it up. He hasn't been able to do that for most of our marriage. Oh... and that was my fault, too.
Jerk! Did I already say that?
Good. Anger is good for me. Helps me shove him out the door and slam it behind him, as somebody said to me on SR.
Unmitigated jerk!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Seems to be a common theme. I've seen several threads about the same thing. Guess they have such low self-esteem that they can't stand to be alone with themselves. Sad, but at least you don't have to deal with it anymore.
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Originally Posted by tigger11 
So much for all his claims of love and faithfulness. We're not even divorced. Confirms my suspicions of his infidelity. Although he's accused me of infidelity, I have not ever done anything even remotely that could be mistaken for being unfaithful.
If you were having an affair it would make his guilt less and justify his infidelity.
I know its hard and it hurts. Been there done that. Just know that you are better off without that mess.
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Help - I need advice. I'm fuming, shaking angry! I want to kick his a** out on the curb in the RAIN NOW! Should I? Damit!
Is it possible for an experienced SR family member to call me? I haven't a sponsor, and I need advice.
Is it possible for an experienced SR family member to call me? I haven't a sponsor, and I need advice.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Just stay on here and read through the threads. Don't instigate any drama. He probably is throwing all that Facebook and dating site stuff in your face to get you do react. Don't do it! Feel sorry for him! He doesn't think he'll be OK alone, while you *know* that you'll be OK + 1000X better off!
Deep breaths! Do not feed into his BS!
Deep breaths! Do not feed into his BS!
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Okay, breathing. barely. crap.
I tried calling my Mum, but she's on route from NH to FL. Tried calling my sister, but she's working.
Breathing.
Trying to halt angry tears.
Breathe. Count to a zillion.
Okay... he's leaving soon. I'm a bigger person. I'm healing and growing, he's sick. I will not let his toxicity invade my being.
Breathe. As soon as he's gone, I will have peace and serenity. I can even have it now in the face of his jerk-ness if I choose to.
Breathe. Calm.
I'll keep at it. Thanks for staying with me!
I tried calling my Mum, but she's on route from NH to FL. Tried calling my sister, but she's working.
Breathing.
Trying to halt angry tears.
Breathe. Count to a zillion.
Okay... he's leaving soon. I'm a bigger person. I'm healing and growing, he's sick. I will not let his toxicity invade my being.
Breathe. As soon as he's gone, I will have peace and serenity. I can even have it now in the face of his jerk-ness if I choose to.
Breathe. Calm.
I'll keep at it. Thanks for staying with me!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Tigger, right now your emotions are extremely high. Codependency is telling you that you HAVE TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT NOW or you won't be ok.
RECOVERY tells you that these are ONLY FEELINGS. You don't have to ANYTHING about feelings but feel them. Breathe in and out. Embrace the feeling and think about why you feeling the need to DO something. Consider it. Let it pass. Feelings will NOT kill you. They are painful sometimes but they eventually pass. In my experience, if I do something now, in this feeling of extreme anger, it may be something I will later regret. If I wait until this feeling passes and then plan my actions, I will be more satisfied with the result. I will be healthier and my recovery will continue.
We are here for you and we care about you, the person on the other end of the keyboard. Keep posting.
RECOVERY tells you that these are ONLY FEELINGS. You don't have to ANYTHING about feelings but feel them. Breathe in and out. Embrace the feeling and think about why you feeling the need to DO something. Consider it. Let it pass. Feelings will NOT kill you. They are painful sometimes but they eventually pass. In my experience, if I do something now, in this feeling of extreme anger, it may be something I will later regret. If I wait until this feeling passes and then plan my actions, I will be more satisfied with the result. I will be healthier and my recovery will continue.
We are here for you and we care about you, the person on the other end of the keyboard. Keep posting.
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Whew. Better. Your postings are helping me, AS THEY ALWAYS DO! I can have calm in the midst of the storm. I **AM** a bigger, better person than he is, and I've just begun to get better. Woo Hoo... I can do this!
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So I posted a comment on his online dating FB entry that said; "you unmitigated jerk. get out of my house."
I shouldn't have done that, I know. It done in anger before I started this post and started breathing/calming.
He just came out of his tiny room and said; "I'm a jerk?" I asked what zoosk is. He said, "I don't know, somebody sent me an invitation." I said; "it's an online dating service." As if he didn't know. It's clear as day the second you look at the site. Then he said; "to this second, I've never been unfaithful. You don't have to worry, I'm getting out of YOUR house." I didn't say a thing.
I need to be careful not to to respond. Feeling like a jerk, but that's what he wants, so have to crawl out from under that rock, too.
I shouldn't have done that, I know. It done in anger before I started this post and started breathing/calming.
He just came out of his tiny room and said; "I'm a jerk?" I asked what zoosk is. He said, "I don't know, somebody sent me an invitation." I said; "it's an online dating service." As if he didn't know. It's clear as day the second you look at the site. Then he said; "to this second, I've never been unfaithful. You don't have to worry, I'm getting out of YOUR house." I didn't say a thing.
I need to be careful not to to respond. Feeling like a jerk, but that's what he wants, so have to crawl out from under that rock, too.
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What's done is done, but you can learn from it. Can you see how he got exactly that type of reaction he wanted? He seems to be holding "YOUR house" as something to be bitter about and possibly blame the break-up on. And you typed it right there on his page so he's going to roll with it. It seems like there's a dance going on where he pushes your buttons to get you all riled up, then you use the element of control that you have (MY house), and then he gets the vindication that this break-up is about you trying to control him, not about the real problem, which is his drinking. Step away from the dance floor!
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Detachment. Detachment. Detachment.
An active alcoholic (and some non-active) is functionally insane. A person who thinks they can reason/argue/discuss with a functionally insane person isn't too sane themselves.
If it helps, think of him as a lunatic. Would you be angry at a person who had no control over their behavior?
An active alcoholic (and some non-active) is functionally insane. A person who thinks they can reason/argue/discuss with a functionally insane person isn't too sane themselves.
If it helps, think of him as a lunatic. Would you be angry at a person who had no control over their behavior?
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Originally Posted by tigger11
Thanks Wanting. I am hereby OFF the dance floor. No more controlling, no more responding. I'm just going to chill until he's gone. Whew. I'm tired of this dance anyway.
Like a typical codependent, I think that if you all would just listen to me, you'd be so much happier. Meanwhile, I have yet to figure out my own life. A jug fills drop by drop
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Yes tigger, i see ex often and when i consider him a MADMAN who got out from an asylum or consider perhaps he is DRUNK.. it helps me a lot !!
Ah its also common Modus Operandi, I mean everything hurts with them. If you are in an online dating service, ok, do whatever, but do you have to SHOW IT TO EVERYONE EVEN YOUR STILL SPOUSE?
Whatever hurts most that is what they will do. Ugh.
I was going to tell you to delete and block him from FB. But as I had common friends I still saw the odd pics, comments, suggestions ETC.
What I did after months of suffering triggers lol, was to open a NEW FB with only NEW STUFF that is great in MY LIFE and MY family and MY real friends that do not know him or knew him only in passing. Hope you can do the same! so you don't read any of his stuff anymore. I did that for months and it always hurt, if he was sad it hurt, if he was happy with company it hurt like hell, if he did not post I wondered where he was, there is nothing valuable there. It is not worth it.
Ah its also common Modus Operandi, I mean everything hurts with them. If you are in an online dating service, ok, do whatever, but do you have to SHOW IT TO EVERYONE EVEN YOUR STILL SPOUSE?
Whatever hurts most that is what they will do. Ugh.
I was going to tell you to delete and block him from FB. But as I had common friends I still saw the odd pics, comments, suggestions ETC.
What I did after months of suffering triggers lol, was to open a NEW FB with only NEW STUFF that is great in MY LIFE and MY family and MY real friends that do not know him or knew him only in passing. Hope you can do the same! so you don't read any of his stuff anymore. I did that for months and it always hurt, if he was sad it hurt, if he was happy with company it hurt like hell, if he did not post I wondered where he was, there is nothing valuable there. It is not worth it.
To thine own self be true.
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Yes, agree with Pelican, delete the FB post.
Tigger, stop reacting. That's all you have to do. He keeps hooking you. He's playing you. Stop falling for it. Don't beat yourself up about it; just start to open your eyes. And don't start with any "Oh he doesn't love me" or "Oh he doesn't care about me." That's EXACTLY what he is trying to get you to do. That is your knee jerk reaction. That's what keeps you mired in the sickness. This is the first step in getting yourself out of this quicksand. Good analogy, right? The more you move around in quicksand (the more you react to him, what he says and what he does) the faster you sink (the deeper in the sickness you get). Stay still.
Breathe, think, do something, anything but react and let him see you react. Learn the lesson this time, OK? And have a plan for the next time he does this because he IS going to do this to you again. MAKE A PLAN.
Love ya'! Hang in there. You can do this.
Tigger, stop reacting. That's all you have to do. He keeps hooking you. He's playing you. Stop falling for it. Don't beat yourself up about it; just start to open your eyes. And don't start with any "Oh he doesn't love me" or "Oh he doesn't care about me." That's EXACTLY what he is trying to get you to do. That is your knee jerk reaction. That's what keeps you mired in the sickness. This is the first step in getting yourself out of this quicksand. Good analogy, right? The more you move around in quicksand (the more you react to him, what he says and what he does) the faster you sink (the deeper in the sickness you get). Stay still.
Breathe, think, do something, anything but react and let him see you react. Learn the lesson this time, OK? And have a plan for the next time he does this because he IS going to do this to you again. MAKE A PLAN.
Love ya'! Hang in there. You can do this.
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Okay Pel and L2L - He removed the FB posting himself. LOL - of course he did! Would he want the chickies to see that his wife responded to his flirtations? I don't think so.
Good heads' up. It doesn't matter if he thinks he loves me, he is incapable in his sickness. I loved the person I thought he was, not who he actually IS. The person I thought he was doesn't exist.
The insanity of his behavior is difficult to grasp, but I'm getting it, quickly!
The Plan -
1) Respond by ignoring him completely, or with an emotion-free voice and "okay" or "uh huh".
2) Do what I do when the doggies are barking incessantly, get up and leave the room. Guess I can't put him behind the doggy gate to the kitchen... LOL.
3) Read and digest the healthy posts on SR, and the Lundy Bancroft book I'm reading; "Why does he DO that" that somebody here recommended.
4) Remember that he is insane, and that I am not. Remember to think of each word from his mouth as QUACK. Remember that I am healing and getting healthy every moment. Remember that I will not only be okay when he leaves, I will be SO much better!
It's truly amazing how much better I am NOW than a few hours ago. Thank you HP and wonderful SR friends!
Good heads' up. It doesn't matter if he thinks he loves me, he is incapable in his sickness. I loved the person I thought he was, not who he actually IS. The person I thought he was doesn't exist.
The insanity of his behavior is difficult to grasp, but I'm getting it, quickly!
The Plan -
1) Respond by ignoring him completely, or with an emotion-free voice and "okay" or "uh huh".
2) Do what I do when the doggies are barking incessantly, get up and leave the room. Guess I can't put him behind the doggy gate to the kitchen... LOL.
3) Read and digest the healthy posts on SR, and the Lundy Bancroft book I'm reading; "Why does he DO that" that somebody here recommended.
4) Remember that he is insane, and that I am not. Remember to think of each word from his mouth as QUACK. Remember that I am healing and getting healthy every moment. Remember that I will not only be okay when he leaves, I will be SO much better!
It's truly amazing how much better I am NOW than a few hours ago. Thank you HP and wonderful SR friends!
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