Freaking Out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 14
Freaking Out
My husband packed a few bags and left yesterday. We have always maintained separate finances, we split all of the bills and household expenses 50/50. Several weeks ago, he wrote me a few checks for his half of stuff I had paid for. I was going to deposit them tomorrow.
We have always had access to each other’s accounts online and I always check his balance before depositing anything from him. I was shocked to discover his balance was less than $100. He's withdrawn about $3700 in multiple ATM withdrawals today.
After that, I decided to look at his credit card. He has $3000 in multiple pending transactions on the card also. All charged yesterday and all from a casino.
He has always been extremely responsible (almost neurotic) about finances. He never does anything like this. He has hardly left the basement in the last 3 months, except to go to work.
WTF is he doing? I know there isn’t anything I can do, but I am really worried.
We have always had access to each other’s accounts online and I always check his balance before depositing anything from him. I was shocked to discover his balance was less than $100. He's withdrawn about $3700 in multiple ATM withdrawals today.
After that, I decided to look at his credit card. He has $3000 in multiple pending transactions on the card also. All charged yesterday and all from a casino.
He has always been extremely responsible (almost neurotic) about finances. He never does anything like this. He has hardly left the basement in the last 3 months, except to go to work.
WTF is he doing? I know there isn’t anything I can do, but I am really worried.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I believe there is something you can do.
I had to go to my bank's branch manager and explain that my husband and I were seperating our finances and accounts. I had to ask for help. I explained to my branch manager (AH used another branch) that my charming husband has the assistant at his branch handle most of his affairs over the phone. I wanted to be sure that my AH could not access my accounts via phone, internet, in person or by mail (he knew my SS#, and date of birth). I felt so low going in there trying to explain but not explain that I wanted to protect myself financially from my own husband. I had not seen a lawyer yet.
My branch manager assured me that banks are equipped to descreetly handle my concerns, they often need to make such adjustments, and no one else needed to know about our conversation.
He also told me that their particular policy excluded them from letting my husband know that I was in their branch, even if he walks in 5 minutes after I leave. They relieved a lot of my fears.
My safety nets are still in place. I have to personally go into the bank and show id to order checks.
I had to go to my bank's branch manager and explain that my husband and I were seperating our finances and accounts. I had to ask for help. I explained to my branch manager (AH used another branch) that my charming husband has the assistant at his branch handle most of his affairs over the phone. I wanted to be sure that my AH could not access my accounts via phone, internet, in person or by mail (he knew my SS#, and date of birth). I felt so low going in there trying to explain but not explain that I wanted to protect myself financially from my own husband. I had not seen a lawyer yet.
My branch manager assured me that banks are equipped to descreetly handle my concerns, they often need to make such adjustments, and no one else needed to know about our conversation.
He also told me that their particular policy excluded them from letting my husband know that I was in their branch, even if he walks in 5 minutes after I leave. They relieved a lot of my fears.
My safety nets are still in place. I have to personally go into the bank and show id to order checks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 14
I never even considered that I might need to protect my money. All of our accounts are completely separate anyway. The $6700 he has spent in the last 36 hours is solely his. He knows my password and could look at my accounts online but he does not have any checks, ATM cards, or credit cards of mine.
My name is not on any of his accounts and his name is not on any of mine. We don't even have the same last name. I do not think the bank would listen to me.
I am looking for some insight as to why he is doing this. He is really not hurting me by wasting all of his own money. But this is completely out of character and I am worried.
My name is not on any of his accounts and his name is not on any of mine. We don't even have the same last name. I do not think the bank would listen to me.
I am looking for some insight as to why he is doing this. He is really not hurting me by wasting all of his own money. But this is completely out of character and I am worried.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
My ex did something similar to his first wife (can you say ignored RED flag). He started spending all assets that she could potentially go after in a divorce. At the time I did not understand this, but see it clearly now.
He is an active A on a spending spree, right? You have his checks that are currently no good. Can you talk with the bank about this? They obviously cannot cash them, but can maybe offer advice.
Have you spoken to an attorney?
He is an active A on a spending spree, right? You have his checks that are currently no good. Can you talk with the bank about this? They obviously cannot cash them, but can maybe offer advice.
Have you spoken to an attorney?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
JaneX,
Try not to stand paralyzed staring at the sinking ship asking why it hit the ice berg?
Get yourself into a life boat, protect yourself, your money and your sanity……..the answers to all your questions will be known when you are ready to understand addiction a little better.
Try not to stand paralyzed staring at the sinking ship asking why it hit the ice berg?
Get yourself into a life boat, protect yourself, your money and your sanity……..the answers to all your questions will be known when you are ready to understand addiction a little better.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I am so sorry.
things have been escalating, his drinking has been escalating for some time. it looks like he's made his choice. He chooses to drink.
My AH made the same choice Jane. It didn't matter how much I respected him, how little I talked about it, how many demands I made. Nothing I did matters to him. All that matters is drinking.
This is a brutal truth I chose to ignore for years. Today, facing it brings great releaf. Yes, great pain at times too but that pain is simmering off. Oh and there will be anger, too.
But mostly I think he's offering you freedom. He chooses to go off and drink alone. You can now find out how strong you are. Use muscles you didn't know you had.
I hope you're ok today, hope you're taking time out to take care of yourself. We'll all be here for you.
things have been escalating, his drinking has been escalating for some time. it looks like he's made his choice. He chooses to drink.
My AH made the same choice Jane. It didn't matter how much I respected him, how little I talked about it, how many demands I made. Nothing I did matters to him. All that matters is drinking.
This is a brutal truth I chose to ignore for years. Today, facing it brings great releaf. Yes, great pain at times too but that pain is simmering off. Oh and there will be anger, too.
But mostly I think he's offering you freedom. He chooses to go off and drink alone. You can now find out how strong you are. Use muscles you didn't know you had.
I hope you're ok today, hope you're taking time out to take care of yourself. We'll all be here for you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
JaneX, is your husband an alcoholic? Does he do cocaine? Did he stop doing cocaine three months ago?
If he's been locking himself up in the basement except to go to work for the last three months, I would guess he has a mental health issue. I am not a doctor and I am not giving medical advice, but I've had chronic, clinical depression nearly my whole life, and his behavior sounds like depression to me.
The reason I ask about cocaine, is because of the gambling bender he is on. I wouldn't attribute any of his behavior on yourself or your relationship. What I would do if I were you and wanted to understand why he is doing this, is google Dopamine, Canada, and Gambling. You will find all kinds of good information about gambling abuse and addiction, and what is happening to your husband.
The basics, as I understand them, are this:
Dopamine is one of the three primary neurotransmitters in our brains that regulate mood. Typical depression can be the result of low levels of the neurotransmitter Dopamine in the brain. (Although each person's depression is different, and may be the result of imbalances in one or the other of the neurotransmitters, or a combination of a few.)
Both cocaine (a substance) and gambling (a process) function as a regulating agent for Dopamine. When a person uses cocaine in any form, their brain experiences a sudden surge in Dopamine, and hence the extreme feelings and sense of euphoria. The process of gambling acts in the same exact way. The only difference is that you don't shoot it, smoke it, or snort it.
Your husband's bender and losses of large sums of money probably have less to do with finances and mostly to do with chasing that feeling that all addicts chase. He probably will come down from it soon; he has to run out of money sooner or later.
Don't you worry about a thing. He is going to be alright. BROKE, but alright. You might want to suggest to him that he see a mental health physician or other medical doctor for assistance with his depression or other mental health issue.
Focus on what you want for your life, the things you dream of or want to accomplish. Don't let your feelings be hurt by this. It is absolutely nothing to do with you.
Hope something here is helpful.
If he's been locking himself up in the basement except to go to work for the last three months, I would guess he has a mental health issue. I am not a doctor and I am not giving medical advice, but I've had chronic, clinical depression nearly my whole life, and his behavior sounds like depression to me.
The reason I ask about cocaine, is because of the gambling bender he is on. I wouldn't attribute any of his behavior on yourself or your relationship. What I would do if I were you and wanted to understand why he is doing this, is google Dopamine, Canada, and Gambling. You will find all kinds of good information about gambling abuse and addiction, and what is happening to your husband.
The basics, as I understand them, are this:
Dopamine is one of the three primary neurotransmitters in our brains that regulate mood. Typical depression can be the result of low levels of the neurotransmitter Dopamine in the brain. (Although each person's depression is different, and may be the result of imbalances in one or the other of the neurotransmitters, or a combination of a few.)
Both cocaine (a substance) and gambling (a process) function as a regulating agent for Dopamine. When a person uses cocaine in any form, their brain experiences a sudden surge in Dopamine, and hence the extreme feelings and sense of euphoria. The process of gambling acts in the same exact way. The only difference is that you don't shoot it, smoke it, or snort it.
Your husband's bender and losses of large sums of money probably have less to do with finances and mostly to do with chasing that feeling that all addicts chase. He probably will come down from it soon; he has to run out of money sooner or later.
Don't you worry about a thing. He is going to be alright. BROKE, but alright. You might want to suggest to him that he see a mental health physician or other medical doctor for assistance with his depression or other mental health issue.
Focus on what you want for your life, the things you dream of or want to accomplish. Don't let your feelings be hurt by this. It is absolutely nothing to do with you.
Hope something here is helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
JaneX, is your husband an alcoholic? Does he do cocaine? Did he stop doing cocaine three months ago?
If he's been locking himself up in the basement except to go to work for the last three months, I would guess he has a mental health issue. I am not a doctor and I am not giving medical advice, but I've had chronic, clinical depression nearly my whole life, and his behavior sounds like depression to me.
The reason I ask about cocaine, is because of the gambling bender he is on. I wouldn't attribute any of his behavior on yourself or your relationship. What I would do if I were you and wanted to understand why he is doing this, is google Dopamine, Canada, and Gambling. You will find all kinds of good information about gambling abuse and addiction, and what is happening to your husband.
The basics, as I understand them, are this:
Dopamine is one of the three primary neurotransmitters in our brains that regulate mood. Typical depression can be the result of low levels of the neurotransmitter Dopamine in the brain. (Although each person's depression is different, and may be the result of imbalances in one or the other of the neurotransmitters, or a combination of a few.)
Both cocaine (a substance) and gambling (a process) function as a regulating agent for Dopamine. When a person uses cocaine in any form, their brain experiences a sudden surge in Dopamine, and hence the extreme feelings and sense of euphoria. The process of gambling acts in the same exact way. The only difference is that you don't shoot it, smoke it, or snort it.
Your husband's bender and losses of large sums of money probably have less to do with finances and mostly to do with chasing that feeling that all addicts chase. He probably will come down from it soon; he has to run out of money sooner or later.
Don't you worry about a thing. He is going to be alright. BROKE, but alright. You might want to suggest to him that he see a mental health physician or other medical doctor for assistance with his depression or other mental health issue.
Focus on what you want for your life, the things you dream of or want to accomplish. Don't let your feelings be hurt by this. It is absolutely nothing to do with you.
Hope something here is helpful.
If he's been locking himself up in the basement except to go to work for the last three months, I would guess he has a mental health issue. I am not a doctor and I am not giving medical advice, but I've had chronic, clinical depression nearly my whole life, and his behavior sounds like depression to me.
The reason I ask about cocaine, is because of the gambling bender he is on. I wouldn't attribute any of his behavior on yourself or your relationship. What I would do if I were you and wanted to understand why he is doing this, is google Dopamine, Canada, and Gambling. You will find all kinds of good information about gambling abuse and addiction, and what is happening to your husband.
The basics, as I understand them, are this:
Dopamine is one of the three primary neurotransmitters in our brains that regulate mood. Typical depression can be the result of low levels of the neurotransmitter Dopamine in the brain. (Although each person's depression is different, and may be the result of imbalances in one or the other of the neurotransmitters, or a combination of a few.)
Both cocaine (a substance) and gambling (a process) function as a regulating agent for Dopamine. When a person uses cocaine in any form, their brain experiences a sudden surge in Dopamine, and hence the extreme feelings and sense of euphoria. The process of gambling acts in the same exact way. The only difference is that you don't shoot it, smoke it, or snort it.
Your husband's bender and losses of large sums of money probably have less to do with finances and mostly to do with chasing that feeling that all addicts chase. He probably will come down from it soon; he has to run out of money sooner or later.
Don't you worry about a thing. He is going to be alright. BROKE, but alright. You might want to suggest to him that he see a mental health physician or other medical doctor for assistance with his depression or other mental health issue.
Focus on what you want for your life, the things you dream of or want to accomplish. Don't let your feelings be hurt by this. It is absolutely nothing to do with you.
Hope something here is helpful.
I cannot believe I did not mention this before. YES, he was first diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder about 14 years ago. He has been seeing the same psychiatrist continuously for 10 years. He has taken Zoloft for about the last 9 years, which seemed to work.
As far as I know, he does not use cocaine. He never had any sort of gambling issue before.
I know that locking himself in the basement is depression but he is also avoiding me to hide his drinking. I have been with him for 16 years and have never seen him take a drink. I have tried to talk to him about the depression, but he insists he is not depressed. He insists he is not drinking, and then even when he finally admitted to drinking he insists he is just having fun.
He says, “I don’t care”, about everything, almost every time I do talk to him.
I just checked his latest prescription and he was still taking the Zoloft until he left a few days ago. He left the bottle here, so I guess he is not taking it anymore.
The gambling losses continue. The credit card company called this morning. He, of course, is not here.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Alcohol is a depressant. It does not mix well with anti depressant meds. In fact, it makes them less effective.
I'm sorry he is still "out there" Jane.
What are you doing to take care of yourself?
I'm sorry he is still "out there" Jane.
What are you doing to take care of yourself?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Perhaps you could point out to him that writing checks and not having or leaving sufficient funds in the account to honour them, is considered to be fraud.
Praying for you my dear.
God bless
Praying for you my dear.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice on why he might be doing it.
I did want to chime in and say you should maybe speak with an attorney or something though. In my state (and I know they are all different) it doesn't matter whose name is on what, or who charged what independently or together. It is a 50/50 split for any assets or debts acquired during the marriage if there is a divorce and if the couple stays married then both spouses are equally on the hook for the debt.
I did want to chime in and say you should maybe speak with an attorney or something though. In my state (and I know they are all different) it doesn't matter whose name is on what, or who charged what independently or together. It is a 50/50 split for any assets or debts acquired during the marriage if there is a divorce and if the couple stays married then both spouses are equally on the hook for the debt.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by atalose
Try not to stand paralyzed staring at the sinking ship asking why it hit the ice berg?
Exactly!
I can tell you that all the worry in the world never changed a thing my EXAH was doing, or my oldest AD, or even my youngest daughter.
My sponsor often reminds me to replace worry with prayer, fear with faith.
I've had a few things hit me hard the past two days, and all I can do is take care of self and keep moving forward a step at a time.
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