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-   -   Should I ask him why he's leaving me? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/187338-should-i-ask-him-why-hes-leaving-me.html)

tigger11 10-28-2009 07:15 PM

Should I ask him why he's leaving me?
 
He informed me via a text message, while we were both at home, that he's leaving this weekend. He's never told me why. One day about 3 weeks ago, after I'd gone to ONE counselor meeting and ONE Al-Anon meeting that he was "done". He showed me his hand and announced that he'd taken off his wedding ring. I'd been out here on SR about a week and a half when he announced this, and was able to act strong and say; "okay". Then he said he'd be out by the end of the year. He has been looking for a job since April this year. And tonight he TEXTED that he's leaving this weekend.

I want to know why he's leaving me. But I know he'll have some angry, vague response along the lines of; "you know" and then say something about how I lie to him and myself and everyone else. He'll rehash all the terrible things he's told me in the last 2 years that we've been married. So I guess I answered my own question. No, I don't ask him why he's leaving. I just deal with the simultaneous pain and relief and feel whatever feelings come along, and heal and grow. Then I rekindle the friendships that I lost while I was with him, and see if I can scrape up some $'s to go visit my family scattered all 'round the country, and invite them to come see me. I learn how to deal with the mess of finances that I'm now in. I go to work do a good job.

But mostly, I need to heal and grow.

Oh... and then there's the question of divorce. He's never mentioned the word. If he does as he said he's done with his past two wives, he'll just coldly go through the necessary legal stuff and never speak to me again. I suppose I should be glad. I'll try... tomorrow... maybe.

Still Waters 10-28-2009 07:20 PM

Aw, I'm sorry tigger :(

Give it some time, sadness and grief are normal, let it flow so that you can get to the healing and growing part?

wanting 10-28-2009 07:20 PM

If you could do it perfectly, you'd go no contact with him immediately to protect yourself and start moving forward. I don't know if I've heard of someone who's done it perfectly though.

I really understand the pain that you are going through though. You want to ask, why, why, why? But you'll never get that answer from him. Just come here and we'll hug you and tell you that you're going to be OK. Keep doing all that stuff you've been doing for yourself.

transformyself 10-28-2009 07:24 PM

Stay Strong! You're doing the right thing by getting healthier, seeking help and he's punishing you. If he doesn't support your path to healing, he is NOT the right guy for you.

My AH treated me this way when he started his affair. It is crazy making stuff. All the blaming. YOu don't want to hear his reasons. You are leaving him. It is your choice. You will be free of him and his toxic behaviors!

I hope you stay detached, stay in control of your emotions. DON'T FOLLOW HIM ASKING QUESTIONS. Do not give him the satisfaction. Keep busy and polite.

I"m sorry you're being treated this way, but you know this is best. Very sorry Girl, do you have friends there to go to and talk with in real life?

wanting 10-28-2009 07:30 PM

Oh yeah, and AH's "reasons" were that I wasn't "fun and spontaneous" (since I had this thing called a job and these things called kids that he and my "friend" apparently have never heard of) and that I didn't have an "inner prettiness" (like the type that "friends" who eff married men have). So, you may not like what you hear. He told me all this before I found out about the affair, so I spent months agonizing over what a horrible person I was.

Pelican 10-28-2009 07:35 PM

(((tigger)))

This is what JaneX posted last night about how she was feeling
I feel 70% relieved that he left and 30% as if I might throw up.

I think that is an accurate description. Don't know whether to clap your hands or cup your hands over your mouth.

It will pass.

Try to get some rest tonight. We're here to support you as you take the time you need to heal and grow, one day at a time.

Peace and hugs.

ItsmeAlice 10-28-2009 08:02 PM

You are magnificent! Has anyone told you that lately...well tig honey, they should be writing that on the side of buses for the world to read at rush hour.

You received a text from someone in the next room to say that he's leaving. Could that be any more passive aggressive???! But you my dear actually have the grace and style to not walk into the room he's in and smack the stupid right off him! I would have had to tack myself to the floor to keep from doing it.

You then had the wherewithall to play that mental tape all the way through and answer your own question of why without believing a word of what he would have said. The words can change, but the theme is always the same..deflect blame and take no responsiblity for your alcoholic actions.

Oh, and then you brilliantly laid out a healthy and loving plan to put your recovery first and to mend a life that has become broken over time living with an addict spouse.

I am inspired by your post and I truly do find you...m*a*g*n*i*f*i*c*e*n*t !!

All grief wants is to be acknowledged. Do so, and it will pass.

Alice

tigger11 10-28-2009 08:05 PM

Wiping a couple of tears of gratitude. I actually DO feel as though I could throw up. And I know his leaving is the best thing. I'm relieved that it's happening so quickly. And shocked and surprised that it's happening so quickly. And scared. And worried about finances. And and and...

But yes, I'm rekindling friendships that he squashed (that I allowed him to squash). Mom just called and is being wonderfully supportive. My sister is the absolute best! Said she's almost done refurbing her basement apartment in NY,and that she'd welcome me with open arms, but it's WAY too far away from my almost grown sons, but it was sweet that she offered.

I'm just really bad at being alone. It's odd, because I love being alone. I just don't like being without a man. If there's one to come home to, I can spend days, weeks, months without him. I just like knowing he's there. But that's part of the healing/growing I must do. Learn to be alone, without a man, and learn to chose healthy relationships.

I really do feel as though I could throw up. It's the oddest thing.

Thank you, dear ones!

tigger11 10-28-2009 08:08 PM

Goodness gracious, Alice! I hope I can live up to all that marvelous that you think I am. I don't feel a bit of it. But you said it, so I'm going to use that as further encouragement! Thank you, Sweetie!

Pelican 10-28-2009 08:10 PM

I would have had to tack myself to the floor to keep from doing it.

Oh my! I love that line Alice!

I can see it now.....:herewego

Jadmack25 10-28-2009 08:28 PM

Hey Tig, don't throw up.........Throw OUT,....the wimp in the next room.

As for needing a man around, maybe I am being harsh but....you haven't had a MAN with you, just a gutless poor excuse for one, who hasn't the balls to speak to your face.
Too scared to leave his room, and says it is over by a text. I thought only young teens did silly things like that, then guess emotionally he hasn't grown up yet.

Your response is light years more mature than he will ever reach, so thank him for loosening the heavy chains of HIS addiction that he wound around you.

Now feel how much lighter you are, and how you can now move freely where YOU want to go.

Open the door for him to leave, (assuming he doesn't do a moonlight flit from fear) and slam it behind him and all the baggage he carries around, and I don't refer to hand luggage.

He has chosen the right time to go, as you can look on him as part of Halloween, he being THE TRICK not the treat.

Stay strong, and my thoughts and prayers are heading your way.

God bless

NewChapter 10-28-2009 09:25 PM

Tigger: So sorry to read your news. If you're anything like me, you've been "alone" for quite a while...not had a real marriage in a long time. It doesn't mean it isn't painful, because it is, and, as the song says, "If you're going through he!!, keep on going..." We still have to feel the pain, no getting around it. But the tears are cleansing and the shock and fear will begin to fade.

I'm so proud of how far you've come! You've already been doing so much! Be sure to take time to think about that, maybe journal your feelings if you don't already.

There are many of us here, and sometimes leaving us can be the nicest thing our A's ever do for us! I'm finding that it might be true for me, and maybe it will be the case for you!

Keep posting here! (and I received your friend request but haven't posted enough times to send a response, or something about that). We will all get through this and will come out on the other side better than ever. I spoke with my counselor about the fact that it feels like I've twisted myself into a pretzel in an effort to please him, and it feels like I'm untwisting. She said, "And when you untwise, you get taller." So here's to getting taller! My prayers are with you tonight, Tigger. Please keep us posted.

ItsmeAlice 10-28-2009 09:42 PM

so I'm going to use that as further encouragement

Your darn tootin' you are! That's what I'm excited to see. You are going to go through one emotion after another often in rapid fire mode. Shoot, I would have about six different mood changes in the time it took me to brush my teeth at night. If you keep your patience and love for youself and keep that encouraging attitude, this will be the start of a wonderful new life for you!

Hang in there!

Alice

steve11694 10-28-2009 09:59 PM

Hi tigger11;

when dealing with active alcoholism, we must not seek logic, reason, or sanity for that matter. The alcoholics brain and mode of thinking is perverted and corrupted. They are very sick people as alcohol is toxic to the brain and all body cells in general.

I once tried to use reason and logic also and try to get answers but believe me, there are no answers short of the alcoholic deciding to seek sobriety.

So sorry for you but you would not be upset with a loved one with cancer that has invaded the brain causing them to be nasty....

bookwyrm 10-29-2009 01:59 AM

(((tigger))) You are awesome.
This pain will pass, I promise. I went through all the stages of grief in minutes and then did them over and over again, in different order and for longer periods until it just faded away. You can do this! :You_Rock_

laurie6781 10-29-2009 02:18 AM

(((((Tigger)))))

You are doing really good. Keep going to your counseling and your Al-Anon meetings and, of course, posting here <vbg>.

Going to give you a brief synopsis of how the practicing alkie's thinking progresses, from my own days out there using and abusing:

"Hmm she's no longer doing what I want, she's going to counseling and that Al-Anon stuff, she's going to leave me, destroy my life (drinking), I'll beat her to it, then she'll be the bad guy."

Now that is the short version, but I suspect that if other sober alkies on here read it they remember their thinking processess such as they were, while drinking. In truth it is a long convoluted process that makes no sense whatsoever, lol I know ............... my old rationalizations and justifications, when I look at them in the cold light of today make absolutely no sense whatsoever. His won't either.

His reasons, don't meant a thing. Yes, you are going to go through grief, and 'blaming' yourself, but please don't dwell there. One day, hopefully not too far in the future you will start to realize what a gift you have been given.

I have no doubt that you will regain your peace and serenity and we will walk with you in spirit to get there.

Love and hugs,

Freedom1990 10-29-2009 03:23 AM


Originally Posted by tigger11 (Post 2414240)
I'm just really bad at being alone. It's odd, because I love being alone. I just don't like being without a man. If there's one to come home to, I can spend days, weeks, months without him. I just like knowing he's there.

Oh hon, you have no idea how much I can relate to that! I never ever thought it was possible to have a life without a man in my home/life, regardless of how unhealthy he was for me.

I couldn't admit it for a long time either. Your recovery is shining. :)

You are going to be just fine, I promise you. :ghug2

Cowgirl1265 10-29-2009 05:14 AM


Originally Posted by wanting (Post 2414212)
Oh yeah, and AH's "reasons" were that I wasn't "fun and spontaneous"

Translates to

1. You don't like my drinking, therefore you're no fun
2: Quack, Quack, Quack

transformyself 10-29-2009 05:57 AM

How ya doing today Tigger?

You know, my AH also told me he was "done," and "this is over," and showed me that he'd taken off his ring--about 6 times in the past year. It felt like Groundhog Day, the movie.

You are in inspiration and I hope you keep posting.

Still Waters 10-29-2009 06:51 AM


Originally Posted by steve11694 (Post 2414304)
Hi tigger11;

when dealing with active alcoholism, we must not seek logic, reason, or sanity for that matter. The alcoholics brain and mode of thinking is perverted and corrupted. They are very sick people as alcohol is toxic to the brain and all body cells in general.

I once tried to use reason and logic also and try to get answers but believe me, there are no answers short of the alcoholic deciding to seek sobriety.

So sorry for you but you would not be upset with a loved one with cancer that has invaded the brain causing them to be nasty....

I'd like to add: this holds true for many even when they are no longer actively drinking, unfortunately.

My AH is still utterly insane, and he's dry (I think).


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