Learn2Live

I agree with Steve and am so glad he posted that. What I noticed in this last relationship with an addict is that a lot of the time they are using TACTICS to get you to REACT in the same manner as you have always reacted. That's why one of the first things we have to work on when we enter Recovery is to teach ourselves and discipline ourselves to NOT REACT.

Because once you allow yourself to react, you are at the mercy of the disease that is controlling you; his addiction.

I understand what you are saying here. This is why I am getting a houseboy. (No offense please to the men here, not talking about worth or sex, talking about practicalities of my life; would like a male person in my house.) I guess I could call him "Houseman" but "Houseboy" sounds like so much more fun! Problem solved. P.S. Thanks Jadmack!

Live

No, not unless you want to hear hurtful, vicious and untrue, confusing things....designed to make you feel very badly. Which I would bet he is dying to tell you. Do you like to play poker? I suggest wearing your best poker face. Even when the moment comes that you almost burst out laughing! LOL

Redux

Hell NO don't ask him why. He is just begging for a chance to give you hell about something. He wants to see you crawl and cry and beg him to stay. He is a sick f*ck and mean. Texting you from the same house? I'm sorry but he needs to be neutered.

You need to download that song Irreplaceable by Beyonce and play it over and over again all over the house. Loud. You need to ask if he needs any help packing. Go to the liquor store and ask them for a few empty boxes - they ususally give them away for free, and give them to him, telling him that you thought he might need them to help himself pack up. (Not to mention, the irony of the type of boxes is just too delicious to resist.)

DO NOT give him the satisfaction of knowing that he's hurting you one more time. You come to us and pour out your tears and your sadness. Don't you let him see ONE SINGLE TEAR. He needs to know that this is the consequences of his actions. Do not let him abuse you any longer. This is an emotional abuse tactic. FIGHT BACK.

Here are the lyrics so you can sing along, REALLY LOUD, while he's packing.

Irreplaceable"

To the left
To the left

To the left
To the left

Mmmm to the left, to the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet, that's my stuff
Yes, if I bought it, baby, please don't touch (don't touch)

And keep talking that mess, thats fine
Could you walk and talk, at the same time? Best line EVAH
And it's my name thats on that jag
So go move your bags, let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable?

So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick, and see if shes home
Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
What did you think
I was putting you out for?
Because you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby, drop them keys
Hurry up, before your taxi leaves

Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I will have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable (irreplaceable)?

So since I'm not your everything (irreplaceable)
How about I'll be nothing (nothing)? Nothing at all to you (nothing, nothing)
Baby I won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear for you)
I won't lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep)
'Cause the truth of the matter is (truth is)
Replacing you is so easy
To the left, to the left.
To the left, to the left.
Mmmmm
To the left, to the left.
Everything you own in the box to the left

To the left, to the left.
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking
You're irreplaceable?

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'?
You must not know 'bout me (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute

You can pack all your bags we're finished (you must not know 'bout me)
'Cause you made your bed now lay in it (you must not know 'bout me)
I could have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable?


Honey he is going to leave. Let him leave with your head up. Let him worry about why your so glad to see him go.

And as he's walking out the door,

That @$$hole

wanting

Those lyrics are awesome. I wish I had read them when I first found out STBX was having an affair. I might have been inspired to not be so pathetic.

tigger11

Hello on Thursday (in the midwest) to my dear SR family. You people are my inspiration and my sanity! I would be falling-a-freeking-part if it weren't for you! Do the moderators and inspirators (made up word) of this website know how much value this site and this family holds?

Laurie -
"Hmm she's no longer doing what I want, she's going to counseling and that Al-Anon stuff, she's going to leave me, destroy my life (drinking), I'll beat her to it, then she'll be the bad guy."
WOW! That answers that riddle for me! Thank you!

Jad - I love the door slam - baggage post!

Steve, Alice, Live, Still, Cowgirl, Freedom, Book... EVERYBODY - Thank you!

Somebody asked how I'm doing today. Weeeellll.... kind of like I have a hangover. No headache, but in a serious fog. I told my boss today what I'm going through and asked him to remind me about things that I might drop. I didn't cry! I was afraid to have that conversation for fear that I would, and I didn't want to in front of my boss... who's a man. Say it quick, change the subject. That's my motto for business situations into which the personal stuff bleeds. It's amazing how long lost friends are rallying about me. But they don't have what you all have. Experience and true empathy as a result. Still, it's nice to be loved.

I emailed A-soon-to-be-gone-H. Asked him if he was going to 1) get a divorce, 2) do something about the 2008 taxes that he never did anything about, 3) give me a quit claim deed. No response yet.

Confession for all y'all who think I'm so inspirational... I snuck a build-a-bear into one of his boxes that I gave him several years ago that says; "somebody in St. Louis loves you" on her t-shirt. It's true. Doesn't take away in any amount from the fact that his leaving is the right thing.

Sigh... I'm going to be okay. Taking your advice and feeling the emotions. Don't know that I have much of a choice. Looking forward to how things will feel after he moves out.

Are there ever any SR family reunions? I'd love to meet people here in person.

Love, hugs, makin' in through today.

Tig

transformyself

This is a FANTASTIC idea! Can we go somewhere warm? Near the ocean?

Learn2Live

I Agree! How about a Group winter trip to the Caribbean!?

BuffaloGal

Ah, yes. "Because this relationship isn't fun anymore!" Been there, heard that.

Translated into English, the above statement comes out as "Because I am not grown up enough to have an adult relationship."

transformyself

Funny BG my translator reads: As long as you're going to ask me to be accountable for my actions, I"m going to run off with some piece of garbage and try to pin it on you.

Where did you buy yours?

steve11694

Laurie is truly wonderful for helping us understand what goes through the mind of an alcoholic and how convoluted and absurd is the thinking. Really astonishing and (forgive me) fascinating. Laurie is lovely evidence that people can and do recover(sorry to patronize you)

Tigger, may I suggest you observe some open AA meetings. You will be glued to the seat listening to the astounding, often horrific stories of what they did before sobriety. It will help you to better understand. My heart went out to these people and I was able to look at my own situation objectively. It made me feel compassion and sympathy and helped get rid of the negative emotions. at an open AA meeting just say you are an observer if anyone asks.
One recovering alc had been teaching english for 3 years in a quaint beautiful small city in japan. The only reason he knows it is quaint and beautiful is because in sobriety people that have been there told him. He has no memory otherwise about anything except the quest for alcohol. You/we needn't stop loving someone, just understand what we are dealing with.
We know how it feels to miss someone so much

tigger11

Steve - This is the first I've heard from Laurie that I recall, and I am blown away by her translation capabilities! Good idea going to an open AA meeting. Understanding is something I seek.

Just had an email exchange from A-soon-to-be-gone-H. PO'd me and made me cry. I asked him if he wanted a divorce (not suggesting, just asking), and asked him about a quit claim on the house. Know what he said? And I quote.

"Divorce ? ... sure .. good idea !!. Let's go for it. Quit Claim ?? ... sure I'll give you one !! Obviously you have to make sure that I don't come asking for half YOUR house. Right??."

There's a twister in my neighborhood, and I'm in in the middle of it.

Oh ya, I cried. Didn't respond, though.

Another sigh.

Chrysalis123

:ghug3

laurie6781

Tigger, sorry I haven't posted to your threads before, don't know how I missed them.......and I don't always post.

Now as to:

Can you say MANIPULATION ????? Also known as QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.

Now, he'll be mean and try and bring you to your knees, you see he really doesn't want to leave, he wants things to be 'status quo' so he can continue to drink, keep you from your friends, and just keep things as they were.

I would suggest that anytime he 'texts' you or says anything at all to you that you picture in your mind the BIG WHITE AFLAC DUCK with the orange beak. Pretty soon all you will hear in your head and in your ears is QUACK QUACK QUACK

Alcoholics, practicing and sometimes not practicing can be the BIGGEST CON ARTISTS you will ever find.

True story, when I got sober, I knew several (more than 10) also in recovery that were Used Car Salesmen and Women and they were making extraordinary salaries. We are con men and women from the get go. It takes time, some longer than others, and some never, to learn how to be HONEST with ourselves and others and to NOT play word and mind games.

He is trying to playing mind games with you, you do not have to play back.

I would suggest however, you check out some attorneys, get that 'free' first consult, get some answers and pick one you think you can work with, it's called CYA.

He's firing up the Roller Coaster and it's going to go faster. You don't have to get on it and ride it. Sounds like the mind games may get worse and he may get down right mean, why??? who knows except ............................................... he wants what he wants when he wants it and you haven't given it to him (drinking with no repercussions). He will be in for a very rude awakening, but you DO NOT have to be the one to give it to him.

Now is the time for you to TAKE CARE of you. We are here for you. We will walk with you in spirit.

Steve, thank you for the kind words. It has taken a lot of years to get where I am today. Yes, I do remember a lot of my 'weird' thinking and stupid rationalizations etc. As a matter of fact, there are many times, when working with a sponsee that I have gotten that 'dear in the headlights' look because I have finished their sentence or thought for them, rofl

If this makes any sense ............................... I understand the way the convoluted 'thinking' occurs when one is practicing, but do not understand the 'why' it is so convoluted.

Tigger hang in there, continue your counseling and your Al-Anon meetings, your life will get better.

Love and hugs,

tigger11

Thank you, Laurie! I know all about his manipulation, hence the "twister" reference. He's a word/thought/mind twister, and it makes me feel as though I'm in a tornado. But HE'S LEAVING! On my first day "here", somebody suggested the Quack quack quack thought process, and I love it. It works when things aren't too bad, but I haven't had much practice. You reminded me, though, Yay! Perhaps I just have to shut up and let him go and forget my questions. Everything will work out whether or not I ask the questions, anyway.

I have the great fortune to have an attorney sister who loves me. Different state, different focus, but a lawyer nonetheless. She'll advise me and I'll do whatever CYA is needed. She says I have some number of days (20?) after being "served" with papers to respond, and can easily ask for a longer period of time. I'll play it cool until I get the papers, and let her read them and decide what to do next.

God is watching over me, even when I forget to ask Him for help. Which I do a lot.

Receiving all everybody's hugs with gratitude!

Tig

tigger11

Off to my 2nd Al-Anon meeting tonight. Different meeting. Hope there are more experienced people there.

A-soon-to-be-gone-H didn't say a word to me when I got home. GOOD! Ate, and is now passed out snoring in his tiny room. BETTER!

Talked to my sister and she cheered me up just talking about her day.

Life's about to get less stressful! Right?

Cowgirl1265

Its been said already, but recovery looks good on you, Tigger!

tigger11

I don't get Al-Anon. Perhaps because SR has spoiled me. It was a bigger group by a lot tonight, and there were certainly nice people there, a couple of great sharings, and real, live hugs. Got a "temporary sponsor", which is something my stepdad (35 yrs in recovery) recommended. Many said to keep coming back, even the new ones. So I will. It's part of my recovery, and I NEED RECOVERY!

A pout for ambiguity. I'm terribly sad that AH is leaving. And looking forward to the insanity of AH being gone. I'm scared. And again, feel like throwing up. The advice that somebody gave to throw him OUT seems wise, but I don't wanna. Someday I'll look back and be glad, and make that suggestion to someone else.

steve11694

For me, ALANON was a start. Alanon was relatively mellow compared with AA.

At AA there are ho holds barred. Horrific, incredible, astonishing recounts are told. Many will say how sorry they feel in sobriety for the terrible things they did to their families/friends. For me, Alanon was like the undergraduate program, AA the masters degree.

tigger11

In my last post I mean to say the SANITY of AH being gone. My that was a Freudian slip! I'm sure there will be crazy, lonely moments. But I'll have SR and al-anon and my family by phone.

So Steve, do you suggest more than one visit (as you've suggested) to an AA meeting eventually?

intheknow

This just smacked me on the head...

Originally Posted by tigger11
I'm just really bad at being alone. It's odd, because I love being alone. I just don't like being without a man. If there's one to come home to, I can spend days, weeks, months without him. I just like knowing he's there.

My fears, to a Tee.

Oh, and I am in on the reunion. Somewhere warm please, we have 13 inches of snow here.