transformyself

AH sent a text to our 11 year old; a cartoon witch juggling lights wtih Vincent Price laughing. He said, "you may not think it's apropriate"

I couldn't figure out for the life of me why he thought I would protest.

So I asked him just now when he came to pick up the kids stuff (I know I know.)

He thought I wouldn't think it was appropriate because the tiny cartoon witch is scantily clad.

I freaked out on him. I said, "do you think I"m insane?" WTF??

But it might be his way of minimizing my feelings. To attribute me getting upset with something so trivial. Yes, I've gotten upset with him for, oh I dunno, having affairs and wearing a shirt that said, "Half man, half horse," because I thought it was advertising himself.

Whatever. Why do I care what that waste case thinks of me anyway?

transformyself

So this man doesn't respect me on a very basic level, but he can go overboard about a cartoon witch? He caninstill fear in the kids that "Mom might freak out," I think the reason it makes me so mad is because he's teaching the kids that a) mom freaks out and b) about stupid things.

ANEWAUGUST

He can try to teach them., but, that doesn't mean they are learning the lesson.

Kids have a built in crap meter...they pretty much now when they are being fed such.

What they can learn is that you find all of that behavior ridiculous and unacceptable. It doesn't deserve the time and attention you are giving it.

wanting

He's really good at pushing your buttons. STBX is the same way. He knew he could get me to shut up if he made me feel like I was uptight and crazy. And shut up I did, while he went out every night to hang out with my "friend." Didn't want to appear uptight or crazy, so I never said anything. One of the things I learned about that whole ordeal is to honor my feelings. My therapist told me that it did not matter if someone else thought I was uptight or crazy. (She told me this before I found out they were having an affair.) What mattered was that I had a problem with them hanging out, and that deserves to be respected by me and by my "partner." The fact that my feelings were reduced to "uptight and crazy" was a problem.

I bring this up because he seems like he is trying to make you feel uptight and crazy, which makes you question yourself and all your reasons for what you're doing. Same reason he jabs you with the housecleaning stuff. Just refuse to buy into the feelings he is giving you, and honor your feelings. And recognize that a real partner would honor your feelings too.

Although, I am continually impressed by the level of skill that some people have at manipulation. We have practically been putty in their hands!

ItsmeAlice

I agree with you on this. He is a sorry sack. Whether or not the scantily clad witch was appropriate for your son, he's trying to come off as the funloving Dad while portraying you as the crazy, irrational Mom.

You are right that his opinion is none of your business and not your concern. Although, I would argue over the detriment to your children in this. If you bad mouth him to your kids it's just as wrong, no? So shouldn't his "mom's so crazy" statements equal that.

I'm just trying to validate. I'm not trying to say that you bad mouth him to your kids.

Can other parents chime in on this?? Is it appropriate for her to talk with her kids about this and point out that his behavior is just to make her look bad in their eyes??

Alice

Cowgirl1265

Transform, what he is doing, even if it is not his specific intent, is alienating the boys.

"See, mom's not reasonable. Everyone else will think this is funny but mom won't. Therefore, I'm a cooler parent than mom. Now you like me better, right?"

I also think he is also needling you. He knows that you react when he belittles you, so he is trying to cause you to react.

You have a choice not to react, to keep your serenity and understand that his behavior isn't going to make sense, his behavior isn't going to be reasonable. He's not capable of behaving reasonably. But you already know thatl <3

transformyself

Thanks guys!
That's the bottom line now isn't it? Rat B******.

To be fair, I think in his own way he is trying to be sensative to my feelings. But he's so gd stupid that he thinks any occurance of female partial nudity will upset me.

Still, these
are true. See? He can appear to honor my feelings, while replicating the dominator model of society.

The fact that I have three sons has always confused me. I'm the oldest of three daughters. I love women! And my father was a misogynistic pig, in fact, when I told him he could either respect me or not have a relationship with me, he sent me an 8 page letter detailing how wrong I am and how it shouldn't surprise him that i'm "like all other women." I see him call my little sister a "wh***, just like your mother." It's amazing I haven't turned into a man hating feminazi!

which is probably why this vieled attempt by my AH to paint me as crazy make me want to kill him...

I think I'll do better though and ignore him. And teach my sons differently.

gerryP

Transform, don't forget that you are seeing all of this from your point of view, that which is the crazy making that is going on between yourself and X. Your children may not have given the comment much thought at all on their own. That doesn't mean that I'm not validating your feelings regarding this.

Maybe you could react with "Oh, that's funny" when your children get something similar in future thereby telling them that it isn't any big deal.