I Signed the Lease... But...
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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I Signed the Lease... But...
My AH has been picture perfect, drinking aside. I mean he's been so good I keep wondering if he's had an affair or killed some one. I don't think he's been this 'into' our relationship since we where dating. I've been keeping him at arms lenth because honestly this just seems over the top.
I have to admit that if he really knows nothing of my moving out (like I hope) that unless he changes back soon; he has set me up to look like a first class jerk to everyone we know. Mostly because everyone doesn't see his drinking as a real issue. I keep telling myself "whatever...". I must admit the codie in me just runs in circles; which I'm sure is what he intends for me to do. Based on old habits I should have allowed things to return to 'normal' by now and maybe it's my detachment that has led to this new 'charmer' being born.
It's so not him that even my sister remarked that "he must have done something to be acting this nice". So it's not just me noticing. To AH and those who believe him, he is 'working' on our relationship while I, of course, haven't given myself completely over to it...
So glad he chose this week to be off...
I have to admit that if he really knows nothing of my moving out (like I hope) that unless he changes back soon; he has set me up to look like a first class jerk to everyone we know. Mostly because everyone doesn't see his drinking as a real issue. I keep telling myself "whatever...". I must admit the codie in me just runs in circles; which I'm sure is what he intends for me to do. Based on old habits I should have allowed things to return to 'normal' by now and maybe it's my detachment that has led to this new 'charmer' being born.
It's so not him that even my sister remarked that "he must have done something to be acting this nice". So it's not just me noticing. To AH and those who believe him, he is 'working' on our relationship while I, of course, haven't given myself completely over to it...
So glad he chose this week to be off...
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
You know, it's only a matter of time before he blows it so be glad that you have a place to land when that happens. And it will.
You're not going to look like a first class jerk. If someone gives you a hard time about moving out when he's being so good then all you have to say is "I have my reasons." and don't get into a discussion with them about what is going on with him short term. Their opinion that his drinking is no big deal is completely irrelevant. His short term behavior is completely irrelevant. It's everything that led up to this point that has you where you are. It's YOUR opinion that his drinking is a big deal that is what is important.
He is still drinking. It bothers you and that is all that matters.
(((HUGS)))) Stay strong - don't let misguided loyalties and guilt about someone else's opinion on your life drag you into something that is wrong for you.
You're not going to look like a first class jerk. If someone gives you a hard time about moving out when he's being so good then all you have to say is "I have my reasons." and don't get into a discussion with them about what is going on with him short term. Their opinion that his drinking is no big deal is completely irrelevant. His short term behavior is completely irrelevant. It's everything that led up to this point that has you where you are. It's YOUR opinion that his drinking is a big deal that is what is important.
He is still drinking. It bothers you and that is all that matters.
(((HUGS)))) Stay strong - don't let misguided loyalties and guilt about someone else's opinion on your life drag you into something that is wrong for you.
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I'll just let a friend of mine address your thoughts this morning. She tells it better than I ever could.
Originally Posted by brundle 
I haven't written on these boards in a really long time. I've tried to keep going. Keep healthy and not let my AH make me crazy. Little by little I've been packing my stuff. It keeps me happy.
I don't know if it's just me, but I hate going away with my AH!!! I'm at the beach with mine and my 22 yr old daughter and 18yr old son. Both of them who I really feel need work and I see stuff I don't like; but I feel they are young. Plenty of time to change and they aren't drinking. There's hope, but put their problems on top of my 51 yr old AH in a small beach house. The trip is only 2 days in and I want to go home!!! Honestly I don't like to go away with him if it was just him. I hate how critical he is and the nasty way he says stuff. I hate the drinking. I hate how disrespectful he is around me whenever anything with breasts and a bathing suite walks by!!! UGH!!! Luckily I am really secure in myself or he would reduce me to nothing!!! I try to be forgiving because that's what's good for "me".... but I would love to just punch him in the face!!! Sorry... thanks for letting me vent... I think if I stood out front here and screamed they would call the cops!!!! Maybe I would have more fun at the station...LOL!
Does anyone else dread spending time with their A??? Or am I just crazy? I'm always thinking..."I wont miss this or that when I leave...." I know he's been trying but he's just not a nice person over all.....
.
I don't know if it's just me, but I hate going away with my AH!!! I'm at the beach with mine and my 22 yr old daughter and 18yr old son. Both of them who I really feel need work and I see stuff I don't like; but I feel they are young. Plenty of time to change and they aren't drinking. There's hope, but put their problems on top of my 51 yr old AH in a small beach house. The trip is only 2 days in and I want to go home!!! Honestly I don't like to go away with him if it was just him. I hate how critical he is and the nasty way he says stuff. I hate the drinking. I hate how disrespectful he is around me whenever anything with breasts and a bathing suite walks by!!! UGH!!! Luckily I am really secure in myself or he would reduce me to nothing!!! I try to be forgiving because that's what's good for "me".... but I would love to just punch him in the face!!! Sorry... thanks for letting me vent... I think if I stood out front here and screamed they would call the cops!!!! Maybe I would have more fun at the station...LOL!
Does anyone else dread spending time with their A??? Or am I just crazy? I'm always thinking..."I wont miss this or that when I leave...." I know he's been trying but he's just not a nice person over all.....
.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey,
Please remember the other times. While it would be great if he was working a program, he isn't right. Even if he was, he would have started only now, right?
For what it is worth, my ex gave me a VERY expensive piece of jewlery right before he began to cheat. Not that your AH will cheat, but that sudden niceness to me is a form of manipulation. Like, look what is in my right hand while the left is doing something sinister.
Hugs
Please remember the other times. While it would be great if he was working a program, he isn't right. Even if he was, he would have started only now, right?
For what it is worth, my ex gave me a VERY expensive piece of jewlery right before he began to cheat. Not that your AH will cheat, but that sudden niceness to me is a form of manipulation. Like, look what is in my right hand while the left is doing something sinister.
Hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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But wait, there's more:
09-28-2009, 09:34 AM Posted by brundle
This stuff is so torturious. If you let it be. You're not leaving him because you're a bad person or you haven't tried. You're leaving him because he doesn't respect you.
Because you're a woman taking back her power and forging a life for herself. And until you respect yourself, no one else will.
If anyone gives you any crap about leaving him, just laugh at them...Seriously. Laugh right at them.
09-28-2009, 09:34 AM Posted by brundle
For weeks I have been completely verbally and emotionally abused by my AH. He's been mad that I just haven't kept my mouth shut like I did in the past. And who knows maybe there are some 'vibes' that I'm leaving even though I've kept that to myself.
I've heard everything from simple stupid things from 'that's gay' or my kids are 'stupid' to mocking me about praying. To being a crappy wife for not wanting to sleep with him (can't imagine why). To telling me what a piece of crap I am. To telling me he's taking me off our joint account so I can't spend money. He also went and baught a laptop and when I confronted him about it due to our money issues that he's always saying we have due to HIS credit card use. Boy did I hear how useless I am and he makes the money. These are the nice highlights!!!
I've just held my own under all of this because I believe none of what he says as truth; just mean dry drunk quacking. When we aren't fighting I try to be kind not mean; yet distant. But I feel like crying. The place I was hoping to get they rented to someone else. I have two other places I'm waiting to hear from. There is a new place I love! I'm so praying. I just want to tell my lawyer that once I leave I never want this guy to talk to me again!
Worse then all that he switches gears; like flicking on a light and starts acting all loving and hugging me and stuff. This was last night. I just let him hug me and I went to bed. This makes me crazy! At the very least it shows he's crazy! I'm not sure if I should play along to keep things peaceful and pray that place works and get the heck out of here. Or ask him if he's crazy; if I do that I'm sure to get more abuse. I could use a break. I don't know. I just really needed to vent... I had no where else to go... so thanks for listening... Just keep praying that I get a place that's affordable. Thanks again for listening...
I've heard everything from simple stupid things from 'that's gay' or my kids are 'stupid' to mocking me about praying. To being a crappy wife for not wanting to sleep with him (can't imagine why). To telling me what a piece of crap I am. To telling me he's taking me off our joint account so I can't spend money. He also went and baught a laptop and when I confronted him about it due to our money issues that he's always saying we have due to HIS credit card use. Boy did I hear how useless I am and he makes the money. These are the nice highlights!!!
I've just held my own under all of this because I believe none of what he says as truth; just mean dry drunk quacking. When we aren't fighting I try to be kind not mean; yet distant. But I feel like crying. The place I was hoping to get they rented to someone else. I have two other places I'm waiting to hear from. There is a new place I love! I'm so praying. I just want to tell my lawyer that once I leave I never want this guy to talk to me again!
Worse then all that he switches gears; like flicking on a light and starts acting all loving and hugging me and stuff. This was last night. I just let him hug me and I went to bed. This makes me crazy! At the very least it shows he's crazy! I'm not sure if I should play along to keep things peaceful and pray that place works and get the heck out of here. Or ask him if he's crazy; if I do that I'm sure to get more abuse. I could use a break. I don't know. I just really needed to vent... I had no where else to go... so thanks for listening... Just keep praying that I get a place that's affordable. Thanks again for listening...
This stuff is so torturious. If you let it be. You're not leaving him because you're a bad person or you haven't tried. You're leaving him because he doesn't respect you.
Because you're a woman taking back her power and forging a life for herself. And until you respect yourself, no one else will.
If anyone gives you any crap about leaving him, just laugh at them...Seriously. Laugh right at them.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
brundle, if anything, life and breakup to an active one taught me I got to TRUST MYSELF and MY EXPERIENCE and that no one else's opinion mattered as much as MINE. I learned this because I believed everyone else more than me, for months 
and thought I was the one making it a big deal, the boring one, the inadequate one, yadda yadda LOL.
This is the time to focus on what YOU WANT from life. Who cares if he is suddenly Mr Perfect. Maybe he does not know you are leaving, but maybe as you stride forward you are more confident and he senses you are not who you were before, someone who will take abuse and stay, and stay silent. You are getting stronger.
NO ONE has been in YOUR shoes. NO ONE. You are doing this for YOU. And you don't have to explain yourself.
They can be so charming, like honey, and you think perhaps everybody else is wrong and "this time" it is for good.... it is not.
Don't fall for his acting. Its just acting. You deserve peace and serenity, please, make it a gift to yourself. And remember all the instances where you have felt bad and lonely in his presence - instances where you could have had a good time, but HE ruined it.
Our days are counted and precious....
Sending you strength ((brundle))
and thought I was the one making it a big deal, the boring one, the inadequate one, yadda yadda LOL.This is the time to focus on what YOU WANT from life. Who cares if he is suddenly Mr Perfect. Maybe he does not know you are leaving, but maybe as you stride forward you are more confident and he senses you are not who you were before, someone who will take abuse and stay, and stay silent. You are getting stronger.
NO ONE has been in YOUR shoes. NO ONE. You are doing this for YOU. And you don't have to explain yourself.
They can be so charming, like honey, and you think perhaps everybody else is wrong and "this time" it is for good.... it is not.
Don't fall for his acting. Its just acting. You deserve peace and serenity, please, make it a gift to yourself. And remember all the instances where you have felt bad and lonely in his presence - instances where you could have had a good time, but HE ruined it.
Our days are counted and precious....
Sending you strength ((brundle))
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I agree that he cannot sustain the superman routine.
This was a go-to facade that my XABF would put on when I pulled away from him for a period of time.
First, he would be indignant and insistant that I was making things up or making too much of something he said or did while intoxicated. He would be quiet for a few days and then start in with the super nice routine.
No matter how many times I gave in thinking he had gotten the message and was turning over a new leaf, the superman he became would dissappear.
The worst part of it was that every time we went throught these motions and things came back around to our addict/enabler state, we both got worse. His addiction worsened every time and my codependent enabling got worse. I think this had to do with his manipulation being successful yet draining for him and my continuous drive to bring out the superman again.
I finally accepted that I had to just have faith in folks who had been there before time and time again. I had to believe it was true that nothing would change if nothing changed with me. I had to accept that our relationship would go round and round over and over until I got off the ride.
Stay with your plan. It was the right decision when you made it, it will be right as you go forward. Hang in there!!
Alice
This was a go-to facade that my XABF would put on when I pulled away from him for a period of time.
First, he would be indignant and insistant that I was making things up or making too much of something he said or did while intoxicated. He would be quiet for a few days and then start in with the super nice routine.
No matter how many times I gave in thinking he had gotten the message and was turning over a new leaf, the superman he became would dissappear.
The worst part of it was that every time we went throught these motions and things came back around to our addict/enabler state, we both got worse. His addiction worsened every time and my codependent enabling got worse. I think this had to do with his manipulation being successful yet draining for him and my continuous drive to bring out the superman again.
I finally accepted that I had to just have faith in folks who had been there before time and time again. I had to believe it was true that nothing would change if nothing changed with me. I had to accept that our relationship would go round and round over and over until I got off the ride.
Stay with your plan. It was the right decision when you made it, it will be right as you go forward. Hang in there!!
Alice
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Are you familiar with the expression the "sainted dead". It's when we forget all about the real foibles and human failings of someone after they are gone from our lives......this is, IMHO, what you are starting to experience right now. He may or may not know, but do a couple of weeks of good behavior erase years of abuse?
None of us can tell you what to do or how to feel. I can only encourage you to remember all of the things that your AH has done to you and the family as recently as a couple of weeks ago. And frankly, most people don't turn there minds to us often enough to think poorly of us....so why worry about how leaving your abusive, addict husband will "look" to other people? You know the whole truth, and that is all that matters (it's a lesson I, too, continue to learn even today).
Hugs, prayers, and best wishes as you continue to consider your options. HG
None of us can tell you what to do or how to feel. I can only encourage you to remember all of the things that your AH has done to you and the family as recently as a couple of weeks ago. And frankly, most people don't turn there minds to us often enough to think poorly of us....so why worry about how leaving your abusive, addict husband will "look" to other people? You know the whole truth, and that is all that matters (it's a lesson I, too, continue to learn even today).
Hugs, prayers, and best wishes as you continue to consider your options. HG
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I know your ALL right. That's why I keep posting here. You guys balance me out. I don't believe him, but it's that weird thing inside that feels that inner tug to stay. I already know I wont. I can't.
But I have to post here and hear you all because they can just make you "feel" so crazy. You guys bring me back to that healthy center. You know when deep down you know your right and your A is saying your wrong. Then you come here and we all say ... "nope your right." I just seem to need that to break these tight cords that bind me to this mess.
Thank you all for being my voice of sanity through all of this!!!!
But I have to post here and hear you all because they can just make you "feel" so crazy. You guys bring me back to that healthy center. You know when deep down you know your right and your A is saying your wrong. Then you come here and we all say ... "nope your right." I just seem to need that to break these tight cords that bind me to this mess.
Thank you all for being my voice of sanity through all of this!!!!
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Hiya Brundle--
Something is changing and so something is changing. Keep the focus on YOU and how this whole move is benefitting you. No matter how he acts today, tomorrow or next week you are still doing the right thing by creating distance and a place where you get to just be YOU!
Remember, it's about you, you've made a good solid decision brought about by many years of research (suffering) on your part. It is not on a whim that you are making this positive move and it will take time on your own for you to know what you want the future to be like. Give yourself that time!
Either way, more will be revealed. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
peace,
b
Something is changing and so something is changing. Keep the focus on YOU and how this whole move is benefitting you. No matter how he acts today, tomorrow or next week you are still doing the right thing by creating distance and a place where you get to just be YOU!
Remember, it's about you, you've made a good solid decision brought about by many years of research (suffering) on your part. It is not on a whim that you are making this positive move and it will take time on your own for you to know what you want the future to be like. Give yourself that time!
Either way, more will be revealed. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
peace,
b
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Thanks again guys... I'm doing good... I was just in a major car crash; I'm OK... Not so sure about the car... The other guy left in an ambulance... Keep me in your prayers....
He ran a stop sign... I need to lay down... HUGs...
He ran a stop sign... I need to lay down... HUGs...
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Originally Posted by brundle
Thanks again guys... I'm doing good... I was just in a major car crash; I'm OK... Not so sure about the car... The other guy left in an ambulance... Keep me in your prayers....
He ran a stop sign... I need to lay down... HUGs...
He ran a stop sign... I need to lay down... HUGs...
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