Cucumber2Pickle

I posted a few days ago that I told my boyfriend I was leaving him. Just as before...a few days later we are back together.... I know I give him power by telling him I will do one thing and then going back on that word after a few promises by him The thing is...He has to do something. He has to. If he doesnt he will tear me apart. Some days I dont think Im strong enough to walk away from it all.

My friends have told me that they were so happy that I was leaving - but when we got back together - Im SO embarrassed to tell them. It shouldnt be like that. I shouldnt be ashamed of my relationship. I went to this dive bar in a small town the other day w/ a friend to get away - one of the townies was a really sweetheart - I had told her about my bf and she gave me this hard stare down and said, "Leave him." After a moment she said, "Trust me...you need to leave him." Everyone wants me to leave him.

I talked to my mom about it - my stepdad was an alcoholic when I was little (IM sorry - he is a recovering alcoholic) He went to an 8 week outpatient treatment and he got better! He can drink a beer now and then and control his emotions, temper, and addiction. I know it may be rare to be able to drink after recovery - but I dont see my boyfriend being able to have a drink EVER - I think he needs to be sober for life...but then again I dont know. My mom told me she didnt put up with his shananigans and he KNEW that my mom would stick to her word. If she said she was leaving she would and he knew it. I want my boyfriend to be like that. I want him to go to treatment and come out a stronger man - a man who understands what alcohol does to him.

I dont want to be ashamed of my relationship anymore. Im just scared to ask him to go. That and I really dont know what he should do - there are outpatient treatment centers and there is AA. Should he do both or start with one? Right now he has pool league every thursday and NOTHING comes before that. (Sometimes me but rarely) so I know the outpatient treatement would be a huge push to get him to go bc of that one damn day he wouldnt want to go. But I know that him getting better is more important than that and he should too. I just dont know how to ask him. I know I cant convince him to go - that he should want to. I need to put my foot down like my mom said she did. But I dont know if I have it in me not to back down...back down like I always do.

LaTeeDa

It's a very scary place to be when your well-being depends on the actions of someone else. I know, having been there too.

What you want for him and what he wants for himself may be two entirely different things. Have you considered that? What if he just wants to keep drinking?

Expending so much energy and agony over what someone else should do is really exhausting. Especially when they end up not doing what you want.

Have you read "Codependent No More" ? I found it was a very good start to figuring out where he ended and where I began.

L

Taking5

Does he drink during pool league? I am guessing yes.

I am unsure whether you want to leave him, or if you want him to go into recovery so you can feel ok about staying. You can leave, but you cannot make him better.

You cannot make him stop drinking
You cannot make him go to rehab
You cannot make him go to AA

So you need to focus on what you can control.

Cucumber2Pickle

I know I cant make him better - but the only ideas in my head that tell me how to correct the situation, involve telling him how to change. I hate that - I hate that i have no control over this anymore - At least I have control over myself - but its still so hard to love somebody this much and be COMPLETELY helpless.

Jadmack25

C2P, yes agree it does suck bigtime.
I spent nearly 20 years, begging, screaming, demanding, loving, hating, forgiving, joining, enabling and making threats I never kept, and it didn't change ABF's desire to drink or his drinking behavior one little bit.
All the above did for me was, stress me into Angina, depression and feeling helpless and hopeless.

Last year, after finding SR, I changed my outlook and made some boundaries that I did keep.

I ceased any help that assisted him to drink.
I refused him access to my flat when he turned up drunk, and a few times called Police.
I refused contact by phone, when he rang drunk during the night.
I refused to ever again help him thru detoxing and withdrawals at home.

I then went no contact during 2 weeks of him on a real binge.

It took until after he actually went to Drug and Alcohol for help, before I had any contact with him. He has been sober since then, almost a year now, and is not his dry drunk type person of past sober spells. He is a totally different man, tho he does not go to AA, but works his own AA program and sees a counsellor for back up.

Letting him go, seems to have opened the door to him making his choice to quit, rather than as in the past being forced into it.

I work the steps, read all I can, and come here to stay focused on me.

Letting go actually gave me total control over my life, and gifted him with the same.

God bless

Cucumber2Pickle

Thanks Jadmack - Last night I told him that he had to go to treatment or I was done. I was amazed at how LITTLE he cared. Im moving in w a friend for awhile until he moves. All last night I heard him in the other room and kept waiting for him to walk in and say ok Ill go - but I had to stop myself from thinking that he wants the same things I do right now. Maybe things will work out with us in the future if he gets help but I need to stop convincing myself that things with us are going to be ok - bc they might not be

Redux

I think you seem to be at the place where you can't live with him, can't live without him.

It's like the old saying about men: "Can't live with them, can't shoot them."

If you need some help sticking to your resolve to leave him until he gets, I second the motion about reading Codependent No More. But also read a great, hilarious book called "Dump the Chump". It's not really related to alcoholics, per se, but to getting rid of boyfriends who don't give you what you need, and it gives a step by step plan to follow to make sure you stick to your plan. And it's REALLY funny!

Good luck! I know you hate the idea of being lonely but after a few days your going to realize that lonely was better than what you had with him.

NYC_Chick

Loving someone should not hurt this much. I have been where you are and it is very painful. It's no way to live. The good thing is you can change this! I allowedmy exabf to rip me apart to the point where I was scared I would die from th stress. I chose to save myself.

You are the only one who knows when you have had enough. It will be hard and it will hurt, but life is so much better without an alcoholic in it! Hugs!

Redux

I hit that same point too! Thank you for spelling it out, NYC. You HAVE to choose to save yourself.