NYC_Chick

I've been very focused on my recovery since I went not contact with xabf in February. A lot has changed for me, all of it good, but I find myself in kind of a weird place. I'm not sure how to balance out the new me with the old me.

I have been seeing someone for a while now. So far he is amazing. We laugh a lot and I can talk to him. He's very respectful and extremely patient with me. The new me understands this is a good thing. The old me seems to be climbing her way out of me.

I kind of feel like I am in a parallel universe. I am having a hard time trusting him although he has done nothing to make me not trust him. I question everything he does. I don't question him verbally, I just turn things over in my mind. Up until now, I've been able to resist being co-dependent, but it's almost like I feel like a ticking time bomb. It's hard to explain in a lot of ways. I kind of feel like I got my life back when I left my xabf. When I was dating, there was no one else to consider because it was all casual, so I kept my life. But now, I am sharing my life in some ways with someone who seems to be good for me, and most of the time I feel like running in the opposite direction for fear of being hurt.

I don't know where this will go, but I'm finding it's very difficult to accept someone who seems to be a good person for me. It's also very hard to try to step back and think about my actions each day, not just with him but in all parts of my life, to keep myself in a healthy place.

Has anyone else struggled with this? I almost feel like all these new positive things are great, but miss my old self. There is nothing as comfortable in my new world as in my old world. Sounds strange, but I've been living with alcoholics and addicts my whole life and this is the first time that there are only good, sober, non-toxic people in it. I'm not sure what to do with that.

Thanks for reading : )

Hammer

From a parallel but similar universe -- I was pretty much hounded and dogged through group and therapy by the inner me -- a sort of Sergeant Rock kind of guy. He (me) was a real driven a--hole. Ran my butt all the way through Army Times, Officer Training, Top of My Trade, Advanced Engineering Degrees -- one hard driven and driving a-hole.

But he kept me safe -- and detached from humanity -- for a long time.

So I had reasons to keep him around. You probably have your reasons for parts of you.

As part of Therapy, I had to deal with him (me) with a long hard look inside. The therapist suggested I "retire" Sergeant Rock. So I/we did. Wrote a Letter of Commendation for him, and retired him with High Honors. Good guy -- looking back. Just finally outgrew him.

Was sort of wobbly for a while after he was gone. But you being you and me being me is what life is. Maybe if you can come to understand the old you and why things are/were what they were, you can set them right and go forward, too.

peaceteach

I think it's fear, and self-preservation, but not really healthy. It's what you've known all your life, to hope things might work out, but to be overprepared in the event they don't. I don't have the answer for you, NYC, but the fact that you are recognizing it is good, don't you think? That's a first step.

I am in my first relationship since I was divorced from my AH 5 years ago. It was really emotional for me to open my heart again to possible hurt, and I cried a lot. I also have the trust issues, and no relationship is perfect sweetie -- the whole Cinderella thing just doesn't exist. Everyone has faults, quirks, and their own life history. But if the overall committment to each other is there, coupled with good love and mutual respect, it's going to be okay. Just trust yourself. And try to remember to turn things over to your higher power when they start to spiral around in your head. He's there for us in good times, too.

I'm so happy for you! How wonderful that you have someone nice in your life. You deserve that

Pelican

((((NYC))))

Hugs to you.

I was just thinking about you yesterday. I was organizing my drawers and closets, getting my space cozy for winter. I was wondering if you were giving your space cozy winter touches too.

I'll let the more seasoned members contribute their experience, hope and support on personal relationships.

I'm happy you have laughter, understanding and respect in your life!

LaTeeDa

Wise words. I've found that whenever I feel like you do, that's the answer. It's about trusting yourself to know when something isn't working and trusting yourself enough to change. It's also about trusting yourself to know when things are good and allowing yourself to feel the joy without fear.

It's not an easy thing to do, especially since I have let myself down so many times in the past. I still struggle with it at times. But, this is the ultimate goal in my recovery. Trusting myself.

L

Cowgirl1265

Funny, I just blogged a little about this over the weekend. To sum, in my early 20's I lived for a time with an alcoholic BF. During that relationship my codie behaviors went out of control. Eventually I went to Al-Anon, and it helped a lot, but when I got rid of my alcholic, naturally I felt much better, so I stopped going to Al-Anon. I didn't think I needed it.

After XABF I dated a couple of very nice guys, they were safe. They didn't trigger me. Well, one guy actually broke up with me because my codependent behavior was really uncomfortable for him. But there weren't such severe consequences for my issues that I had any reason to do anything about them.

Fast forward a few years, to meeting my husband. Mr. Codependent, mentally ill, occasionally a drinking drunk. For 11 years I have been off the deep end. I can look back and say that I only wished I had stayed in Al-Anon. But I did not, and these lessons were learned at a high price.

I know we are not supposed to give advice. But if it were OK to give any, what I would say is to make sure that you continue to work on your codependency stuff in therapy and go to meetings. It will help.

NYC_Chick

Trusting myself is still really hard! I am having a hard time with distinguishing between fear and my gut instinct. Right now, I don't feel like my gut is telling me to run but what if my gut is wrong? I keep talking to myselfand my therapist about things that happen between us. When I say them outloud, she looks at me puzzled and asks what I think is wrong. I can't think of anything when I get out of my own head. But when I obsess about stuff for lack of a better term, I make him out to be something awful, which I have no evidence of. Thank god I still go to therapy! Lol!

Live

My favorite tool is frequently doing reality checks.
I ASK questions so that I can ascertain whether my head understands something or is making things up....I don't "dog" anyone with questions..how annoying..but sometimes I just say I want to ask you because I am not sure I am perceiving things clearly....And then I ask the person a question that they can answer with their understanding of whatever and I listen. I don't tell them my fears, or what I am spinning about...I just stop doing that...and listen to their reality, so that I can consider it and incorporate it into my understanding.

LaTeeDa

I once asked my therapist how can I tell when it's my gut vs. the committee in my head. She told me that the committee voices (fear) are usually loud. They are full of shame and fear, and when you listen to them you feel bad about yourself, or something in your life.

On the other hand, the small quiet voice always has your best interests at heart. It doesn't yell, or shame you, or leave you feeling bad. It simply gives you an indication of what is best for you.

L

NYC_Chick

Live: I have been doing some of that, but feel that the closer we get, the more I throw reality out the window. Thank you for the post! I will focus more on the reality check!

LTD: thank you a million times for that! The screaming has been very loud. I will definetely pay attention to this going forward.

I never thought I would be in such a good place, yet so uncomfortable in ways. My worse day now is still a lot better than my best day with xabf, but I think I'm so scared of leaving me behind again that I forget to enjoy all the good in my life.

Live

I really can laugh with you about this....I met a great guy...and I took him with me to my therapist's appmt and told her...it is too good to be true, when is the other shoe going to drop, what is it??? LOL

They grinned at me, laughed with me and said.....it isn't always true that the other shoe drops, some things are just good and it seems to be good for you, so we encourage you to go with it and enjoy the experience. paraphrased, of course.

The other thing I do....is as we have been taught from day one...is be the observer....when in doubt...watch actions, actions speak louder than words. So, then, I shut up, quit guessing and projecting, and watch for what really is.

And I will never forget hearing in a 12 step meeting...just because you feel something or think something doesn't mean it is true.

So if I can recognize that cycle starting up in myself, THEN I have the opportunity to address is rationally and realistically.

And, as LTD said....really knowing yourself...

My favorite excercise is:

If I see what I see..... (reel off the first 10 things that come to mind)
If I know what I know........(ditto)

This is a free association excercise and helps bring our subconcsious to our concsious and to our aid and assistance.

Happy, joyous and free!