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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5
New to the website
Hello everyone!
First off I'd like to say this is a great website! I am so glad I found it. It is really comforting to be able to read about other people's issues and know I am not alone in this. In real life it feels like my family is. I have been with my boyfriend for a few years, and we have a son that is almost a year old. We are in our early twenties, and he has a drinking problem. It is so hard because he only admits he has a problem when I threaten to leave. Just a few weeks ago, he got physical with me for the first time. When he drinks, and sometimes when he does not, he gets verbally abusive all the time. I called the police when he beat me up, and he was arrested. He came home with all his promises to get help, promises to not drink anymore, promises that he does not want to be that guy again. Well it only took three weeks before he was lying again and came home drunk. I told him I wanted to him to leave and after much fighting he finally did.
It is a really hard situation for me, because I believe that he does not have anyone else in his life that really supports him to quit his drinking. His friends peer pressure him all the time, his family ignores it, so I have always felt like I was all he really had. But now the situation has got physical, and I do not know if I can stay in this relationship. He has been such a great father, and when he is sober is such a great boyfriend, but I do not feel like anything is going to stop him from drinking. Or at least not anytime soon. Judges have ordered him to AA meetings, he has a curfew for the next six months, and he does not have his drivers license because of his DUI. He has almost killed himself in multiple drinking and driving accidents. I just don't know if anything will get through to him.
I am so torn because I know if I leave him (go with my family across the country) he will get depressed and get so much worse, I know him. But if I stay, what is going to happen to our family? I don't like how our relationship has turned to physical and I don't want my son to grow up seeing this.
First off I'd like to say this is a great website! I am so glad I found it. It is really comforting to be able to read about other people's issues and know I am not alone in this. In real life it feels like my family is. I have been with my boyfriend for a few years, and we have a son that is almost a year old. We are in our early twenties, and he has a drinking problem. It is so hard because he only admits he has a problem when I threaten to leave. Just a few weeks ago, he got physical with me for the first time. When he drinks, and sometimes when he does not, he gets verbally abusive all the time. I called the police when he beat me up, and he was arrested. He came home with all his promises to get help, promises to not drink anymore, promises that he does not want to be that guy again. Well it only took three weeks before he was lying again and came home drunk. I told him I wanted to him to leave and after much fighting he finally did.
It is a really hard situation for me, because I believe that he does not have anyone else in his life that really supports him to quit his drinking. His friends peer pressure him all the time, his family ignores it, so I have always felt like I was all he really had. But now the situation has got physical, and I do not know if I can stay in this relationship. He has been such a great father, and when he is sober is such a great boyfriend, but I do not feel like anything is going to stop him from drinking. Or at least not anytime soon. Judges have ordered him to AA meetings, he has a curfew for the next six months, and he does not have his drivers license because of his DUI. He has almost killed himself in multiple drinking and driving accidents. I just don't know if anything will get through to him.
I am so torn because I know if I leave him (go with my family across the country) he will get depressed and get so much worse, I know him. But if I stay, what is going to happen to our family? I don't like how our relationship has turned to physical and I don't want my son to grow up seeing this.
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
WELCOME allforced. It sounds like you are going through so much. There is no excuse for physical, at any level, from any one person. The first thing to think about is.. your child. NO ONE, NOTHING else matters but that child... take it from me, after spending 20+ years with an abuser and seeing my sons turn out like him, I wish I could turn back the hands of time.. BUT WE CAN'T!.
Stick around here and soon there will be others to add to this. I do know that after being a year, more then a year.. out of a relationship with an alcoholic, my life is finally MY LIFE. No one rules but me, no one curses me, hurts me.. on and on.. I turn away from any people who have issues, such as abuse.
Stick around here and soon there will be others to add to this. I do know that after being a year, more then a year.. out of a relationship with an alcoholic, my life is finally MY LIFE. No one rules but me, no one curses me, hurts me.. on and on.. I turn away from any people who have issues, such as abuse.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
If you leave he gets depressed... So what. Take care of yourself
and your child. Physical and emotional abuse should not be tolarated. Leave. Just my 2 cents and I know you probably love him very much, but you have the power of choice to make the best decisions you can.
and your child. Physical and emotional abuse should not be tolarated. Leave. Just my 2 cents and I know you probably love him very much, but you have the power of choice to make the best decisions you can.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to Sober Recovery Allforced!
You will find a lot of information and support for yourself here. It's a little quiet here on weekends, but stick around and read some of the sticky posts at the top of this forum. You will find some of our stories there. You will read about others that have small children and have lived with abusive alcoholics. You are not alone.
I admire your youthful energy to want to help your ABF overcome his addiction. Your willingness to put your needs aside to help him find his way, however, is not healthy.
If your sister or girlfriend described the abuse and unacceptable behavior that you've described, wouldn't you tell them to "run not walk to the nearest exit!"?
You said: It is a really hard situation for me, because I believe that he does not have anyone else in his life that really supports him to quit his drinking.
That is what AA is for (other programs as well). Other alcoholics are the best source of support for another alcoholic. They understand the need to pick up, the desire to pick up, the cravings when they don't pick up. They are equipped to handle the recovery.
About this:
he will get depressed and get so much worse, I know him. He will get worse with or without you. Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse, I promise.
You have the option to physically leave him and raise your son in an environment of love and understanding. Please consider taking that option. The life you save could be your own.
You will find a lot of information and support for yourself here. It's a little quiet here on weekends, but stick around and read some of the sticky posts at the top of this forum. You will find some of our stories there. You will read about others that have small children and have lived with abusive alcoholics. You are not alone.
I admire your youthful energy to want to help your ABF overcome his addiction. Your willingness to put your needs aside to help him find his way, however, is not healthy.
If your sister or girlfriend described the abuse and unacceptable behavior that you've described, wouldn't you tell them to "run not walk to the nearest exit!"?
You said: It is a really hard situation for me, because I believe that he does not have anyone else in his life that really supports him to quit his drinking.
That is what AA is for (other programs as well). Other alcoholics are the best source of support for another alcoholic. They understand the need to pick up, the desire to pick up, the cravings when they don't pick up. They are equipped to handle the recovery.
About this:
he will get depressed and get so much worse, I know him. He will get worse with or without you. Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse, I promise.
You have the option to physically leave him and raise your son in an environment of love and understanding. Please consider taking that option. The life you save could be your own.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by allforced 
I am so torn because I know if I leave him (go with my family across the country) he will get depressed and get so much worse, I know him.
to SR. Keep coming back and read around. There is lots of support here for you during this difficult time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5
Thank you all. I know I need to give my son a good life away from this. I read the post on "Breaking The Cycle" and it really spoke to me. I guess a little voice inside of me wanted someone to say, "No, stay and work it out! Do this! And he will magically change you guys will have a happy family!" But the smarter me knows that for him to ever change, he has to first admit he has a problem, and I do not see him doing that anytime soon. And things have already became worse over time, I do not think I should stick around to find out how bad they can really get.
I appreciate all your words! It is great to hear encouragement.
I appreciate all your words! It is great to hear encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
Welcome!
I second everything the previous posters have said. You are still so very very young. I used to think that things would change and would just hold on for the ride. Always waiting for tomorrow. For something to change. For him to drink less. For him to become that partner I needed and wanted and deserved.
I have come to realize that I can't force that. For years I have "lived" today just hoping tomorrow will be different. It is out of my hands. Today and now I need to jump of that merry go round and look at the things that I have control over and that I can change.
And you have a little one to consider as well. Good luck.
I second everything the previous posters have said. You are still so very very young. I used to think that things would change and would just hold on for the ride. Always waiting for tomorrow. For something to change. For him to drink less. For him to become that partner I needed and wanted and deserved.
I have come to realize that I can't force that. For years I have "lived" today just hoping tomorrow will be different. It is out of my hands. Today and now I need to jump of that merry go round and look at the things that I have control over and that I can change.
And you have a little one to consider as well. Good luck.
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
AllForced - I am sorry about your situation. As you can tell, we dispense a kind of compassionate tough-love around here.
You need to remove yourself and your child from this dangerous and escalating situation. Make a plan and then take action. Later on, if he can show positive recovery steps, then you can make a different decision later.
You need to remove yourself and your child from this dangerous and escalating situation. Make a plan and then take action. Later on, if he can show positive recovery steps, then you can make a different decision later.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Welcome to SR. Please take the time to read about how YOU can be affected by your loved one's addictions. It's called codependency. I recommend a wonderful, eye opening book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It shocked me into awareness.
Please also be aware that alcoholism is ALWAYS progressive, and it always gets worse. And YOU have nothing to do with that fact, no matter how much you want this man to be a good father or partner. The only person who can figure this out is him, and many drinkers never figure that lesson out. Instead, they go down the tubes and take their loved ones right down with them. You are a mother now, and have a responsibility for that little one. Please don't let this man take you down that path with him. You can't save him, really. But you can keep yourself healthy, mature, and on the right path for your child. And for you. Good luck!
Please also be aware that alcoholism is ALWAYS progressive, and it always gets worse. And YOU have nothing to do with that fact, no matter how much you want this man to be a good father or partner. The only person who can figure this out is him, and many drinkers never figure that lesson out. Instead, they go down the tubes and take their loved ones right down with them. You are a mother now, and have a responsibility for that little one. Please don't let this man take you down that path with him. You can't save him, really. But you can keep yourself healthy, mature, and on the right path for your child. And for you. Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5
It is so hard now because I feel so bad for him. A part of me knows he is not my responsibility, but another part doesn't.
Today I woke up completely beside myself. I know it is selfish to say, but I was lonely and really missed him. He can be such a great person. I just wish there was some way to get through to him. For him to see what his drinking is doing to our family.
And now I think he is facing jail time. I didn't want all this to happen, and I feel guilty. I think besides losing me and our son, he will loose everything. I just didn't want all of this to happen, I just wanted him to take his drinking problem more seriously.
Today I woke up completely beside myself. I know it is selfish to say, but I was lonely and really missed him. He can be such a great person. I just wish there was some way to get through to him. For him to see what his drinking is doing to our family.
And now I think he is facing jail time. I didn't want all this to happen, and I feel guilty. I think besides losing me and our son, he will loose everything. I just didn't want all of this to happen, I just wanted him to take his drinking problem more seriously.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
allforced, sweetheart, we are all right there with you. I don't think anyone wants to see their loved one go through what your baby's father is going through. And what we all know he will go through. But these are the choices he has made for his life and he is a very sick man.
I have said the things you have said so many times, about so many different people.
At this time, he does not need anyone to support him to quit his drinking. Nor does he want anyone to support him in this. And even if he did, you cannot help him. This demon is much, much bigger than ANY of us. He needs professional help from people who understand this disease.
Yes, you DO know. You know quite clearly that this person beating you up is wrong, dangerous, immoral, sick, and illegal. This is not healthy for you or your child, nor is it healthy for your "BF" if you want to call someone who beats you up your "BF." I personally think you should start referring to him first and foremost as, "The man who gets drunk and beats me up." Please do not make excuses for this. He is dangerous. My father was a fall-down, angry drunk but he NEVER beat me. Alcohol and alcoholism are NO EXCUSE for this.
Trust your instincts.
You are not leaving him for any reason other than the fact that he gets drunk and whatever else and BEATS you up. Your leaving is a DIRECT CONSEQUENCE of his addicted behavior. If you do not leave, you are putting the lives of yourself and your child in danger. AND you are not allowing the alcoholic/addicted person to experience the consequences of his behavior. He cannot see that what he did was wrong; he is in denial. For you to continue to stay will only feed his denial and his delusions that everything is OK and he does not "need" to quit.
If you really love him, let him go. I know this is very hard; I had to do this same thing this year. He is only going to bring you down, or worse. PLEASE contact your local spousal abuse hotline or other medical facility for assistance.
I have said the things you have said so many times, about so many different people.
I believe that he does not have anyone else in his life that really supports him to quit his drinking. His friends peer pressure him all the time, his family ignores it, so I have always felt like I was all he really had.
But now the situation has got physical, and I do not know if I can stay in this relationship.
He has been such a great father, and when he is sober is such a great boyfriend, but I do not feel like anything is going to stop him from drinking.
I am so torn because I know if I leave him (go with my family across the country) he will get depressed and get so much worse, I know him.
If you really love him, let him go. I know this is very hard; I had to do this same thing this year. He is only going to bring you down, or worse. PLEASE contact your local spousal abuse hotline or other medical facility for assistance.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
allforced, welcome. It's a very difficult situation you're in. I have a 2 year old. Although I realized it even when pregnant, it wasn't until I went to Al Anon when my girl was 10 months that I started to be able to start focussing on what was truly important - not to save my AH, but to do what's best for me and my daughter. My personal opinion - love was not enough with him. I'll always love him but I know I can't help him. He needs to help himself. I dug in my heels and resolved to do right by my child - sure I'd cry and miss him but I would survive and offer my daughter a chance to live without an alcoholic at home. I needed to be very unselfish here and it was a painful process to get there. When it happened, there was no ultimatum. There was just me saying it was enough, and that I wanted him to leave. What's my situation? He got sober (and he was never abusive). We are together. We have different struggles now, but my daughter is a healthy and happy girl that loves her daddy and her daddy is emotionally and physically there for her. And I know that if he started to drink again, I wouldn't hesitate to do what's best for my little girl. Hands down. No matter what my pain would be.
From what you're saying, it sounds like there would be more pain staying (physical abuse from him) than to go. It's no way to live. But more importantly, you are a mother and it's up to you to provide a safe and healthy environment for your child. They are defenseless and need an advocate who has their best interest at heart. Your boyfriend is an adult. He can and will fend for himself, whatever that looks like. My thoughts are with you.
From what you're saying, it sounds like there would be more pain staying (physical abuse from him) than to go. It's no way to live. But more importantly, you are a mother and it's up to you to provide a safe and healthy environment for your child. They are defenseless and need an advocate who has their best interest at heart. Your boyfriend is an adult. He can and will fend for himself, whatever that looks like. My thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
First priority for you as mother, is your child's safety and well being, because they can't do it for themselves. Second, comes your own.
The basher is old enough to care for himself, and if, due to his choice to drink, he is unable to do that.........tough bikkies. NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
The only part you have to play in his drunken abuse and battering, is to remove your child and yourself, or have him removed, and take steps to keep him out of your lives.
If losing you sends him into depression, then so be it, as he will have done it to himself by forcing you to get away for safety. Whatever happens to him will be the result of HIS ACTIONS and BEHAVIOR, and is NO way your fault, so cut the guilts now.
Right now you have choices, stay and put yourself and your child thru more abuse, or do whatever it takes to stop it happening again, eg have him removed or charged, and a restraining order in place, or just pack and get the hell out of there.
God bless
The basher is old enough to care for himself, and if, due to his choice to drink, he is unable to do that.........tough bikkies. NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
The only part you have to play in his drunken abuse and battering, is to remove your child and yourself, or have him removed, and take steps to keep him out of your lives.
If losing you sends him into depression, then so be it, as he will have done it to himself by forcing you to get away for safety. Whatever happens to him will be the result of HIS ACTIONS and BEHAVIOR, and is NO way your fault, so cut the guilts now.
Right now you have choices, stay and put yourself and your child thru more abuse, or do whatever it takes to stop it happening again, eg have him removed or charged, and a restraining order in place, or just pack and get the hell out of there.
God bless
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi allforced, welcome to SR !
I do not know why you feel guilty. You are not drinking alcoholically, you are not beating anyone, you are not putting 3rd parties in risk by driving under the influence.
Please listen to the people here... there is nothing you can do to heal him. He has to find rock bottom. Perhaps losing you and his child will make him wake up. That is the only way to help him, not to make his drinking ok, not to offer him any cushion for him to continue his destructive ways.
You and the child are the most important thing. I am glad you are listening to your gut. If its difficult for adults to cope with an active alcoholic, I can't imagine what that would be like being a child. No one deserves that pain and confusion.
HUGS! we are rooting for you.
I do not know why you feel guilty. You are not drinking alcoholically, you are not beating anyone, you are not putting 3rd parties in risk by driving under the influence.
Please listen to the people here... there is nothing you can do to heal him. He has to find rock bottom. Perhaps losing you and his child will make him wake up. That is the only way to help him, not to make his drinking ok, not to offer him any cushion for him to continue his destructive ways.
You and the child are the most important thing. I am glad you are listening to your gut. If its difficult for adults to cope with an active alcoholic, I can't imagine what that would be like being a child. No one deserves that pain and confusion.
HUGS! we are rooting for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: West Des Moines, IA
Posts: 31
welcome 
I too am in a relationship with an A/BF - I dont have a child w him but we are also in our lower 20's and one thing I hate so much about his friends is that they dont care about his drinking - when I complain im sure they think Im some bitch that doesnt want there drinking buddy out having fun with them. It makes me so mad that they dont really care about him and realize that he has a problem. Whats worse is when he puts them before me even when I do everything I can to support him.
Physical violence shouldnt be tolerated - my boyfriend was really drunk last summer and didnt hurt me but in his stupor he grabbed me around the neck while yelling about how much he hates me. I dont think he realized what he was doing right away and stopped when he did. But you dont deserve that. My bf and I are both clinically depressed. We went to counseling and promised to help each other through it. I kept my side of the bargain and he didnt. I need to help myself first (even though I still havent done so yet) and so do you - you and your child deserve better than that.
I too am in a relationship with an A/BF - I dont have a child w him but we are also in our lower 20's and one thing I hate so much about his friends is that they dont care about his drinking - when I complain im sure they think Im some bitch that doesnt want there drinking buddy out having fun with them. It makes me so mad that they dont really care about him and realize that he has a problem. Whats worse is when he puts them before me even when I do everything I can to support him.
Physical violence shouldnt be tolerated - my boyfriend was really drunk last summer and didnt hurt me but in his stupor he grabbed me around the neck while yelling about how much he hates me. I dont think he realized what he was doing right away and stopped when he did. But you dont deserve that. My bf and I are both clinically depressed. We went to counseling and promised to help each other through it. I kept my side of the bargain and he didnt. I need to help myself first (even though I still havent done so yet) and so do you - you and your child deserve better than that.
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