The Auction is November 4th
 

Our family home will be auctioned on November 4th. sigh

Yes, I'm grieving another loss. I noticed it when I started making the audible sighs through my day. At least now I have the tools to recognize the grief and allow myself to walk through the sadness.

Angry, yes I was. I was angry that my inheritance money was the down payment on that house. My parents worked hard all their adult lives. I inherited money from the sale of my mother's home when she passed away three years ago. I put that money into our joint account. I agreed to use the money to purchase a home for our family. The home was purchased without my name on the deed. I was allowing my AH to control our finances as I was still settling my mother's affairs.

Denial, yes I had that. I denied that he was trying to control me by putting the home in his name. I believed him when he said that my credit rating would lower our approval rating. I believed him when he said we got a better rate under his name. (I did not know how badly he had run up credit in my name at this point).

Bargaining, yep. I was gambling that maybe a buyer would come along and buy the house. He would be able to pay me back the down payment and I could get out from under this debt load. He failed to sell the house.

We both moved away from the home and the area. I moved 100 miles west and got a divorce in April. He moved 100 miles south for another job in July. I have been back to the house a few times to get last minute items and a few plants. I left my gardening supplies in the outbuilding. He is moving those into storage this weekend.

Each time I have gone back to the house, it has been an emotional experience. Each time I have gone back, it appears worse from neglect. I'm a fixer by nature and it is so sad to see the home neglected and abandoned.

The last time I went to the house was 3 weeks ago. The children spent the evening with neighborhood friends and I went to my homegroup Alanon meeting. I felt closure from that meeting. I was saying goodbye to dear friends that helped me begin my journey. They are cherished friends.

That home will hopefully be a blessing to another family. I am thankful for my time there. I was my worst and my best there. I was an active alcoholic while living in that home. I began my journey of recovery from alcoholism in that home. I was my co-dependent worst in that home. Needy, begging, pleading, compromising, bargaining, ignoring and overlooking. I'll always remember walking back into that house after my first Alanon meeting and walking over to my then husband and saying "I have decided to leave you. I want out of this marriage." (disclaimer: Alanon did not teach/encourage/know about my decision). I found my voice that night.
He asked me if I would stay if he got sober.
I told him I used to believe that sober was what I wanted. However, since becoming sober and working on my own recovery I realized that sobriety was not enough. He needed a recovery program to learn to treat himself better and others better. I was not available for sponsorship.
He reminded me that the house was in his name.
I calmly stated that I was aware that the house was in his name. I intended to let him have his house. I also intended to let him have his SUV back (the car I wanted and drove). I would be trading vehicles with him and taking the one with my name on the loan (the one he drove and selected). I just asked that he give me some space and find another place to stay.

Then I went to the computer room and logged back on to SR. Serenity.

Thanks for being here everytime I needed you.

No words, just gratitude for your post and poise.

God bless you. You are an inspiration x

Letting go of the very last ties to your X is a bittersweet moment. I hope your old home sells well under auction.

You are an inspiration and have given so much here. Thank you for being here for us.

:ghug3

Thanks for the post. I learn so much from others experiences, pain, hope, anger, fear, etc. Just because we are human does not make us humane. Our ability to control and effect the things we care about is limited. Take care and hope you are in a much better place soon. Sounds like you were snowed by your AH. You should have been put on title as that has no bearing on loan approval/ rates. The one one thing I have really learned 89 days w/ out is to do your own thinking and bounce it around inside your own head as wl as off others you trust. While active addicts may mean well, they make poor decisions makers/ long term planners. Humbly on day 89 this time.

(((Pelican)))

CLMI

Pelican, you are such an inspiration to me personally. I think of your experiences often during my week even when I'm not logged in to SR, and I think it helps me make wiser choices.

Sending you much love and support, and hopes that this will turn out to be just a drop in the bucket of your life, completely overwhelmed by the joys that are to come.


(That said, I could easily pop your XAH in the head with a mallet right now...forgive me)

OMG, I love the fine print:

(That said, I could easily pop your XAH in the head with a mallet right now...forgive me)

Thanks for the chuckle!

It really has been a challenge to detach from his handling of the family home. We have bought and sold homes in the past. Even sold our farm ourselves - okay, it was mostly me. In the past, I was the packer, move coordinator, unpacker, utility manager, representative to realtors, etc...
This time, I had to step away and not offer any help or advise. It was his home to deal with to the best of his ability. It will all be over soon. I'm working through my acceptance stage of grief.

I appreciate the kindness of my SR family! Thank you.

Pelican... trust that there are many new opportunities just 'round the bend for you in the future! Much brighter days ahead - better get some new shades!

I wish you peace.

How hard it can be to trust that our HP has something in store for us when we see the fruit of our labor slip away. Its hard to understand what we are learning sometimes. Pelican, I have no doubt that you are always open to that love and that lesson, and I draw a lot of strength from your posts here.

We all stand with you in your loss, you are never alone. Thank you for being such a voice of strength and wisdom for others even while you are going through trying personal times.

Bet you learned a lot of lessons from that relationship.
Sorry for your loss...but you have the strength and experience to have a wonderful
life in a new home.

One of my favorite quotes:

You gotta go through what you gotta go through to get to where you gotta get to.

Sounds like you are well on your way.

I think a lot of my anger and sadness comes from realizing how incredibly dense I was, to trust him. All the same excuses your husband used to keep my name off things or not give me access to things. Compounded by the nightmare stress of his deadly illness, I just let it all happen.

Live and learn. Thank God I'm able and willing to learn.

((hugs)) to you Pelican.

I wish everything good for you, with the sale of YOUR house, and whatever you plan for the future, and will be praying for these wishes to come true.

God bless