Detachment when it comes to children
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Detachment when it comes to children
Another fun update courtesy of STBX.
Things are going fine. I'm very close to having our lease reassigned to him. We've both agreed that I need to move out in December instead of January. Great.
I get an email from him asking how the separation agreement is coming along. Of course, he won't do any work drafting this agreement, so it falls to me to do something if I want to divorce this madman. I hadn't planned on doing anything regarding this since we have to be separated a year before we can obtain a divorce. I figured I'd deal with it after I moved out.
He then proceeds to tell me that he wants half and half EQUAL custody of our 1 year old daughter written on this agreement, DESPITE the fact that we both agreed that she won't do overnights with him until she's at least 24 months. A lawyer i spoke to confirmed that since my daughter is so young and still breastfed, STBX wouldn't be given equal time or overnights until she's older. We had agreed on this fact. I thought it was clear. Now he turns around and demands that the agreement be written otherwise because if he "lets" me leave and I start having her most of the time, it will "set a legal precedent". He's basically trying to protect his parental rights in advance, thinking that i'm out to screw him over, which is totally not what I wanted. I just wanted us to split amicably and give him the opportunity to see his daughter WHENEVER he wanted. I also figured that since he spends about 4 minutes a day with her, or less, that eventually, he'd realize that taking care of a 1 year old all by himself is tơ much work, and then he'd give up!
I know this man well; he's lazy and manipulative. So I don't entirely trust him to have my daughter with him for days on end.
Anyhow, the email argument never went anywhere because i did my best not to engage and to be quite clear that I felt uncomfortable with signing anything.
In the afternoon, I think about going to my parents for the night, just tohave some time to think. I also know that he's in the habit of going out drinking on Friday nights. So instead of ASKING him if it's ok for me to go to my parents, I just TELL him. I figured that he'd be forced to stay home with his 12 year old son and maybe spend some time with him.
In the evening, I text my stepson and find out that his father just LEFT HIM at home, alone, so he can go out drinking with his buddies!
I mean, i know that my stepson's been alone at home during the day before, but in the evening?! He's already afraid of the dark.
But, what can i do? I can't rush over there to "rescue" my stepson everytime his dad decides to go out drinking? Should i? I'm trying very hard to do what's best for me and my daughter, and I reason that our separation will force STBX to reconnect with his son. Instead, he just dumps him at home and goes to a bar with his buddies. I found out this morning that my stepson was alone from 7ish to 11p.m. and that he couldn't sleep until his father came home (probably because he was afraid!!).
I'm in the same boat tonight, by my own fault. I knew that STBX was going out tonight, but instead of saying "You need to ASK ME if I'll take care of your son while you go get drunk", I just said "ok". Stupid me. I text my stepson again to find out that his father will be leaving around 3 p.m. and won;t be back until late at night. So i can't, in good conscience, leave him there alone for ANOTHER night. I won't be like STBX and put the child second. At the same time though, I feel like i'm being played again.
How do I remain calm and detached in the face of such a rampantly exploitative pattern?
Do I bring this up with STBX? It is *his* child (that I helped raise for 6 years), and if I dare question his parenting skills, he'll fly off the handle. He's always considered himself a fabulous father.
And how on earth do I manage to avoid any kind of separation agreement granting an alcoholic shared custody of my baby girl? He's not a documented alcoholic...there are no rulings against him, he's got not DUIs, no history of abuse, he's highly functioning. How do I insist that he not drink when he has my child?
Trying to breath deeply here and DETACH like crazy, but it's so hard.
Things are going fine. I'm very close to having our lease reassigned to him. We've both agreed that I need to move out in December instead of January. Great.
I get an email from him asking how the separation agreement is coming along. Of course, he won't do any work drafting this agreement, so it falls to me to do something if I want to divorce this madman. I hadn't planned on doing anything regarding this since we have to be separated a year before we can obtain a divorce. I figured I'd deal with it after I moved out.
He then proceeds to tell me that he wants half and half EQUAL custody of our 1 year old daughter written on this agreement, DESPITE the fact that we both agreed that she won't do overnights with him until she's at least 24 months. A lawyer i spoke to confirmed that since my daughter is so young and still breastfed, STBX wouldn't be given equal time or overnights until she's older. We had agreed on this fact. I thought it was clear. Now he turns around and demands that the agreement be written otherwise because if he "lets" me leave and I start having her most of the time, it will "set a legal precedent". He's basically trying to protect his parental rights in advance, thinking that i'm out to screw him over, which is totally not what I wanted. I just wanted us to split amicably and give him the opportunity to see his daughter WHENEVER he wanted. I also figured that since he spends about 4 minutes a day with her, or less, that eventually, he'd realize that taking care of a 1 year old all by himself is tơ much work, and then he'd give up!
I know this man well; he's lazy and manipulative. So I don't entirely trust him to have my daughter with him for days on end.
Anyhow, the email argument never went anywhere because i did my best not to engage and to be quite clear that I felt uncomfortable with signing anything.
In the afternoon, I think about going to my parents for the night, just tohave some time to think. I also know that he's in the habit of going out drinking on Friday nights. So instead of ASKING him if it's ok for me to go to my parents, I just TELL him. I figured that he'd be forced to stay home with his 12 year old son and maybe spend some time with him.
In the evening, I text my stepson and find out that his father just LEFT HIM at home, alone, so he can go out drinking with his buddies!
I mean, i know that my stepson's been alone at home during the day before, but in the evening?! He's already afraid of the dark. But, what can i do? I can't rush over there to "rescue" my stepson everytime his dad decides to go out drinking? Should i? I'm trying very hard to do what's best for me and my daughter, and I reason that our separation will force STBX to reconnect with his son. Instead, he just dumps him at home and goes to a bar with his buddies. I found out this morning that my stepson was alone from 7ish to 11p.m. and that he couldn't sleep until his father came home (probably because he was afraid!!).
I'm in the same boat tonight, by my own fault. I knew that STBX was going out tonight, but instead of saying "You need to ASK ME if I'll take care of your son while you go get drunk", I just said "ok". Stupid me. I text my stepson again to find out that his father will be leaving around 3 p.m. and won;t be back until late at night. So i can't, in good conscience, leave him there alone for ANOTHER night. I won't be like STBX and put the child second. At the same time though, I feel like i'm being played again.
How do I remain calm and detached in the face of such a rampantly exploitative pattern?
Do I bring this up with STBX? It is *his* child (that I helped raise for 6 years), and if I dare question his parenting skills, he'll fly off the handle. He's always considered himself a fabulous father.
And how on earth do I manage to avoid any kind of separation agreement granting an alcoholic shared custody of my baby girl? He's not a documented alcoholic...there are no rulings against him, he's got not DUIs, no history of abuse, he's highly functioning. How do I insist that he not drink when he has my child?
Trying to breath deeply here and DETACH like crazy, but it's so hard.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
How old is your step son?
You should start documenting, carefully and quietly, and keep great records. Be stealth. If you can, bring a hidden recorder to your conversations with him and record him.
I"m not kidding.
Can you call the police, file a report that he's left a child alone to go out drinking?
This may not be detachment, al anon style, but when a child is in danger, in my books there's no thing as detachment. Adults are one thing, kids need protection.
Have you consulted with an attorney? When you interview them, ask if they're familiar with alcoholism and how the judges rule with regard to alcoholism in your county.
You, like myself, have to become as calculated and self serving as they are.
Another thought, now that I re-read your post, is that you might offer to watch his son if he needs to go out, document it and show the courts how often he goes drinking and leaves his kid alone.
If you have access to his bank accounts you can get print outs of credit card purchases at the bar, etc. I zeroxed the print outs and took them to the attorney last year when I filed for divorce.
What state are you in? If there is a no fault divorce law in your state it will be harder to use this as leverage, but most courts won't like him being a drunk and ignoring his kids.
You should start documenting, carefully and quietly, and keep great records. Be stealth. If you can, bring a hidden recorder to your conversations with him and record him.
I"m not kidding.
Can you call the police, file a report that he's left a child alone to go out drinking?
This may not be detachment, al anon style, but when a child is in danger, in my books there's no thing as detachment. Adults are one thing, kids need protection.
Have you consulted with an attorney? When you interview them, ask if they're familiar with alcoholism and how the judges rule with regard to alcoholism in your county.
You, like myself, have to become as calculated and self serving as they are.
Another thought, now that I re-read your post, is that you might offer to watch his son if he needs to go out, document it and show the courts how often he goes drinking and leaves his kid alone.
If you have access to his bank accounts you can get print outs of credit card purchases at the bar, etc. I zeroxed the print outs and took them to the attorney last year when I filed for divorce.
What state are you in? If there is a no fault divorce law in your state it will be harder to use this as leverage, but most courts won't like him being a drunk and ignoring his kids.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
I agree and also think you should document every time he does this. It will help you win the argument why he shouldn't get 50/50 custody of your baby.
Is your stepson's mother around? Is there anyone else you can get to help you with this?
Is your stepson's mother around? Is there anyone else you can get to help you with this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Transformed...I'm in Canada, not the US. A whole other ballgame, legally speaking. I am currently drafting my own divorce proceedings seeing as I'm a legal assistant, but I'll be taking all this to a family law lawyer and bringing my questions to him/her. I just wish it didn't have to come to this. I guess I was deluded in thinking that we could just divorce amicably.
I've started documenting all the nights that he's been out and left his son, who is now 12 years old.
Redux, stepson's biomom lives in another province and is rather happy not to have to parent her son full-time. She wrote us a note last summer stating as much. She's a single mother of twin girls, works part-time and goes to school full time, so I don't think she's in any position to help. Also, I've never been very impressed with her parenting skills. And finally, STBX has her right under his thumb. He managed to convince her that he didn't really have a drinking problem after my stepson brought up the fact that he was going to al-anon meetings...
I've started documenting all the nights that he's been out and left his son, who is now 12 years old.
Redux, stepson's biomom lives in another province and is rather happy not to have to parent her son full-time. She wrote us a note last summer stating as much. She's a single mother of twin girls, works part-time and goes to school full time, so I don't think she's in any position to help. Also, I've never been very impressed with her parenting skills. And finally, STBX has her right under his thumb. He managed to convince her that he didn't really have a drinking problem after my stepson brought up the fact that he was going to al-anon meetings...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 77
In my opinion (which you can take or leave) the first thing I would do is advise the mother of your step-son what is going on. From your other posts she obviously has no clue what her son is having to deal with (or maybe she does). If he cannot even take care of his 12 year old son how is he going to take care of an infant? Will he leave her with his son to take care of? You obviously cannot take his son with you when you leave so he needs to be protected. There are laws that advise what age a child can be left alone. It is possible he is in violation of this law which would get him in a whole heap of trouble with child protective services.
I feel that there is a difference in detachment with respect to letting one suffer their own consequences, however when a child is involved I don't think it is unhealthy to make sure the child's welfare is most important.
I feel that there is a difference in detachment with respect to letting one suffer their own consequences, however when a child is involved I don't think it is unhealthy to make sure the child's welfare is most important.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Document each time he leaves his son, but also document whatever action you take.
The child is your step son so I assume you have some legal responsibility towards him (unfortunately it does come down to this, it sounds uncaring I know)
Do you really want to be leaving your child with him? A baby who can't text when she's left alone or needs something?
I had a similar situation, the child being left alone was my nephew though. My thoughts were that if I knew a child was being abused or neglected I had a duty to act, nephew or not.
The records I kept did come in useful, but I'm in the uk, although I can't see them being any less valid wherever you are.
The child is your step son so I assume you have some legal responsibility towards him (unfortunately it does come down to this, it sounds uncaring I know)
Do you really want to be leaving your child with him? A baby who can't text when she's left alone or needs something?
I had a similar situation, the child being left alone was my nephew though. My thoughts were that if I knew a child was being abused or neglected I had a duty to act, nephew or not.
The records I kept did come in useful, but I'm in the uk, although I can't see them being any less valid wherever you are.
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