forgiveness
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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forgiveness
Hello all, Quick recap. My AH has been sober since Jan this year. I am working on a program in Al-Anon since November last year. My husband has improved his behaviour and attitude. He really is going well. It is a genuine change, he is in recovery. Me...I was doing fine focussing on myself and now it has come to a head that we now have to connect again. And I'm really resentful about it. It isn't that I fear him drinking because if he did, I would leave.
My resentment is that for the marriage to continue, for me to have the desire to get to know him again, I have to forgive the man. I went through 8 years of hell and I have come to terms that for me to have stayed, the life suited me. I can own my part. I loved getting angry at him and feeling like the 'good one' in the relationship. I loved being the one who was responsible for the household. I loved it until the binge drinking was every night and that was just an onslaught I couldn't stand.
His behaviour stemmed from the alcohol abuse and (I'm guessing from the insights I'm gaining about myself) him acting out all his resentments, some from childhood. If he had gotten sober and hadn't changed his behaviour, I would be gone. Now he is sober, he has changed. And I'm getting better with other facets of my life: the children, my job, boundaries, friendships. But I am still angry at him. How to forgive? I am willing. I don't want to be angry.
My resentment is that for the marriage to continue, for me to have the desire to get to know him again, I have to forgive the man. I went through 8 years of hell and I have come to terms that for me to have stayed, the life suited me. I can own my part. I loved getting angry at him and feeling like the 'good one' in the relationship. I loved being the one who was responsible for the household. I loved it until the binge drinking was every night and that was just an onslaught I couldn't stand.
His behaviour stemmed from the alcohol abuse and (I'm guessing from the insights I'm gaining about myself) him acting out all his resentments, some from childhood. If he had gotten sober and hadn't changed his behaviour, I would be gone. Now he is sober, he has changed. And I'm getting better with other facets of my life: the children, my job, boundaries, friendships. But I am still angry at him. How to forgive? I am willing. I don't want to be angry.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
I think one of the reasons it's so hard to forgive is that you don't want to let your defenses down again to the point where he has the ability to hurt you once more. To truly forgive someone, you have to be absolutely sure that he won't get drunk and get you back into the same life you had before, and you can never really be sure of that.
This inability to forgive is, I think, a natural reaction to what you've been through, and a needed defense mechanism. Your mind does things that help you survive. It's like getting burned and having an irrational fear of fire - it's your mind's way to keep you away from the things that hurt you.
Forgiving might be possible but forgetting and moving on is what's tough.
This inability to forgive is, I think, a natural reaction to what you've been through, and a needed defense mechanism. Your mind does things that help you survive. It's like getting burned and having an irrational fear of fire - it's your mind's way to keep you away from the things that hurt you.
Forgiving might be possible but forgetting and moving on is what's tough.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Had to deal with some years back for childhood stuff.
Pretty hard to forgive in that domain, too.
Here is how I settled it -- sort of like bankruptcy or debt forgiveness accounting.
In that realm, with a stroke of the pen, debt is set to zero. It does not make the loss that has occurred stop or go away, but it does stop further "interest" and deeper debt on the past issues. It does not somehow mean the bank or creditor somehow now loves the debtor, but the debt has been written off and "forgiven."
Keep in mind any sane bank or person does not then go and give the debtor an open charge account the day after. Might not even let them in the door so to speak. BUT the bank or creditor no longer has to carry that bad debt on their books.
Jumping back to the real human model -- you no longer have to carry the harm done in your heart and mind. Tremendous relief (for the bank or creditor or you) because then you can forward without having to carry that bad debt in your heart and mind. So the forgiveness is for you -- not the indebted bum.
At some future date you may choose to open some "credit" account to this person, or maybe not -- banks use a 4 year model, and carry a grudge mark system (credit report) for seven. In my case, I just set them to zero and moved on. If it were in the present, I would just say I am not in the credit or emotional loan business and let that end it.
No future debt means no future forgiveness required.
Pretty hard to forgive in that domain, too.
Here is how I settled it -- sort of like bankruptcy or debt forgiveness accounting.
In that realm, with a stroke of the pen, debt is set to zero. It does not make the loss that has occurred stop or go away, but it does stop further "interest" and deeper debt on the past issues. It does not somehow mean the bank or creditor somehow now loves the debtor, but the debt has been written off and "forgiven."
Keep in mind any sane bank or person does not then go and give the debtor an open charge account the day after. Might not even let them in the door so to speak. BUT the bank or creditor no longer has to carry that bad debt on their books.
Jumping back to the real human model -- you no longer have to carry the harm done in your heart and mind. Tremendous relief (for the bank or creditor or you) because then you can forward without having to carry that bad debt in your heart and mind. So the forgiveness is for you -- not the indebted bum.
At some future date you may choose to open some "credit" account to this person, or maybe not -- banks use a 4 year model, and carry a grudge mark system (credit report) for seven. In my case, I just set them to zero and moved on. If it were in the present, I would just say I am not in the credit or emotional loan business and let that end it.
No future debt means no future forgiveness required.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
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I've been sober for about five months longer than your husband. I'd echo Redux's comment. Once the crisis of my drinking was over, it was safe for my wife to be quite angry about what she went through. Things have settled down somewhat. Speaking to others in AA it seems unlikely her anger will completely dissipate, it will recede to some tolerable level.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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thanks all. As a mathematical person I like the accounting terminology. Set the past to zero (I can't even remember the good times without acknowledging the bad), and we start again building credit in the account based on the present. KatKrazy sorry to hear about your relationship ending. I don't know your back story but everything happens for a reason and you will be ok.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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I have an unusual take on this. I hope something here is helpful to someone.
Resentment is the key; not forgiveness. Are you going to Al-Anon?
Resentment is bad; it is poison just like Guilt. Resentment is a feeling. You have to work on the feeling and dig below it to eliminate it. Doing 12-Steps will help you to work on this. Letting go of the Resentment is, in fact, forgiving.
Forgiveness is an action but more importantly, it is a moral, a personal value that is embedded in your heart. Dig into your heart and find what is there, what guides you in your life. Do you have a Higher Power who exists in your heart? If so, there is your answer. If not, it would behoove you to find one. Again, 12-Step programs can help you get there. Or, any religious institution can also be helpful.
If your HP is a traditional, 21st century-acceptable HP, that HP may tell you that it is the moral thing to do to accept that the offending party is human and just "forgive." For me, reading the Book of Matthew in the Bible helps with this problem. Not saying you have to believe in anything, just read it for a helpful lesson or perspective.
Lastly, IMO, it is not your job to forgive. It is the job of HIS Higher Power to forgive or not forgive his own behavior. I personally don't see what forgiving will do for you. Let go of your idea that your forgiving controls anything. Let Go and Let God.
My resentment is that for the marriage to continue, for me to have the desire to get to know him again, I have to forgive the man.
Resentment is bad; it is poison just like Guilt. Resentment is a feeling. You have to work on the feeling and dig below it to eliminate it. Doing 12-Steps will help you to work on this. Letting go of the Resentment is, in fact, forgiving.
Forgiveness is an action but more importantly, it is a moral, a personal value that is embedded in your heart. Dig into your heart and find what is there, what guides you in your life. Do you have a Higher Power who exists in your heart? If so, there is your answer. If not, it would behoove you to find one. Again, 12-Step programs can help you get there. Or, any religious institution can also be helpful.
If your HP is a traditional, 21st century-acceptable HP, that HP may tell you that it is the moral thing to do to accept that the offending party is human and just "forgive." For me, reading the Book of Matthew in the Bible helps with this problem. Not saying you have to believe in anything, just read it for a helpful lesson or perspective.
Lastly, IMO, it is not your job to forgive. It is the job of HIS Higher Power to forgive or not forgive his own behavior. I personally don't see what forgiving will do for you. Let go of your idea that your forgiving controls anything. Let Go and Let God.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
[QUOTE=Lavash;2409243: I think one of the reasons it's so hard to forgive is that you don't want to let your defenses down again to the point where he has the ability to hurt you once more. To truly forgive someone, you have to be absolutely sure that he won't get drunk and get you back into the same life you had before, and you can never really be sure of that.[/QUOTE] (sorry, can't seem to get those quotes to work right...)
I'm sorry to disagree since I don't mean to offend anyone, but I think trust (which I believe is described above here) is being confused with forgiveness.
I thought I’d share my experience with forgiveness because of the benefits I’ve found in forgiving. Not being so on top of how to express it, here is a quote I found on the web that seems to express why to forgive (taken from Mayo Clinic medical information and tools for healthy living - MayoClinic.com).
“What is forgiveness?
There's no one definition of forgiveness. But in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Doesn't forgiving someone mean you're forgetting or condoning what happened?
Absolutely not! Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. “
For myself, I choose to forgive over and over and over (as often as the painful thoughts rose up in my mind). Eventually the painful thoughts were completely gone and I could tell I had let it go completely (with the help of my HP). The benefits left me (and leave me) with the complete feeling of peace, serenity, and freedom. All of which I found well worth the effort.
I'm sorry to disagree since I don't mean to offend anyone, but I think trust (which I believe is described above here) is being confused with forgiveness.
I thought I’d share my experience with forgiveness because of the benefits I’ve found in forgiving. Not being so on top of how to express it, here is a quote I found on the web that seems to express why to forgive (taken from Mayo Clinic medical information and tools for healthy living - MayoClinic.com).
“What is forgiveness?
There's no one definition of forgiveness. But in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Doesn't forgiving someone mean you're forgetting or condoning what happened?
Absolutely not! Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. “
For myself, I choose to forgive over and over and over (as often as the painful thoughts rose up in my mind). Eventually the painful thoughts were completely gone and I could tell I had let it go completely (with the help of my HP). The benefits left me (and leave me) with the complete feeling of peace, serenity, and freedom. All of which I found well worth the effort.
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