New here - I just want out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
New here - I just want out
Hi everyone - I'm so glad I found this place.
I am here because of an alcoholic boyfriend who is also my business partner. He is in his first week of alcohol rehab and will be there for the next three months. He went very willingly and seems to be doing well.
The problem is that I just want out. I've been trying to disentangle myself from him for the last 18 months but it has been very hard because of the business we run together. I keep getting drawn back in but I'm to the point where 3 years of verbal abuse and drunkeness have just made me lose everything I ever felt for him.
He wants me to write him a letter - an impact statement - that they want him to read to his support/therapy group. I don't even know what to say.
I love him in many ways but he has broken my heart so many times, in so many different ways, that I don't think he can fix it. And it's not just the alcohol that did it - he did some pretty crappy things to me that he can't blame on alcohol. The final straw was that he became enraged (while sober, actually) with a decision I made about the business, pulled his fist back and threatened to hit me. He didn't hit me, but only because I got out of the room. I think that was finally the point where I just hit the wall and I just can't go any further with him.
So of course I'm feeling like a real jerk for not standing by him, especially now that he is in rehab. I just want out.
I'm pretty sure he's not telling anyone in rehab that his real trouble, other than the alcohol, is that he's got an uncontrollable anger issue. He likes to portray himself as just a really great, charming guy. Nobody sees the underside of that unless he's drunk and mad about something.
Maybe I should write the impact letter. He has to read it in his support group, and maybe it will help them deal with his real issues.
Or maybe I should just walk away from him and not get involved in his therapy since I don't want a relationship with him anymore.
I don't know - I can't sleep because I don't know what to do. I feel like a heel for not supporting him now that he's finally getting help but I've just hit the wall.
Thanks for letting me whine.
I am here because of an alcoholic boyfriend who is also my business partner. He is in his first week of alcohol rehab and will be there for the next three months. He went very willingly and seems to be doing well.
The problem is that I just want out. I've been trying to disentangle myself from him for the last 18 months but it has been very hard because of the business we run together. I keep getting drawn back in but I'm to the point where 3 years of verbal abuse and drunkeness have just made me lose everything I ever felt for him.
He wants me to write him a letter - an impact statement - that they want him to read to his support/therapy group. I don't even know what to say.
I love him in many ways but he has broken my heart so many times, in so many different ways, that I don't think he can fix it. And it's not just the alcohol that did it - he did some pretty crappy things to me that he can't blame on alcohol. The final straw was that he became enraged (while sober, actually) with a decision I made about the business, pulled his fist back and threatened to hit me. He didn't hit me, but only because I got out of the room. I think that was finally the point where I just hit the wall and I just can't go any further with him.
So of course I'm feeling like a real jerk for not standing by him, especially now that he is in rehab. I just want out.
I'm pretty sure he's not telling anyone in rehab that his real trouble, other than the alcohol, is that he's got an uncontrollable anger issue. He likes to portray himself as just a really great, charming guy. Nobody sees the underside of that unless he's drunk and mad about something.
Maybe I should write the impact letter. He has to read it in his support group, and maybe it will help them deal with his real issues.
Or maybe I should just walk away from him and not get involved in his therapy since I don't want a relationship with him anymore.
I don't know - I can't sleep because I don't know what to do. I feel like a heel for not supporting him now that he's finally getting help but I've just hit the wall.
Thanks for letting me whine.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You've found a wonderful place of information and support for YOU!
Have you thought about attending Alanon meetings for yourself? They are local meetings for friends and family of Alcoholics. You will meet people that have experienced the same things you have, just like here - but face-to-face.
One of the things that you will learn about is the three C's:
You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this.
Please be kind to yourself. You could not control his drinking and/or anger issues. He has to do that work himself. His support needs to come from professionals that have dealt with anger and addiction as well as other recovering alcoholics.
You wrote:
He wants me to write him a letter - an impact statement - that they want him to read to his support/therapy group
What I see is:
He wants me to write him a letter - an impact statement - that they want him to read to his support/therapy group
I see him putting responsibility onto you for his recovery. That's still manipulation and that is still him trying to pull you into his life.
You are not responsible for his recovery. If you are not comfortable with this request, do nothing. You are not obligated to fulfill the request.
Your life is just as important as his. Your recovery is just as important as his. Your serenity is just as important as his.
One of the reasons you gave for possibly writing the impact letter was to get him to read out loud what he has done to you. Can you be sure that he will actually read this to his group? Would you be writing this to help yourself or to take control of his therapy?
Give yourself the time you need. You don't have to solve this before noon today, right? You no longer have to react to the alcoholic. You can now breathe, reflect and respond peacefully.
You've found a wonderful place of information and support for YOU!
Have you thought about attending Alanon meetings for yourself? They are local meetings for friends and family of Alcoholics. You will meet people that have experienced the same things you have, just like here - but face-to-face.
One of the things that you will learn about is the three C's:
You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this.
Please be kind to yourself. You could not control his drinking and/or anger issues. He has to do that work himself. His support needs to come from professionals that have dealt with anger and addiction as well as other recovering alcoholics.
You wrote:
He wants me to write him a letter - an impact statement - that they want him to read to his support/therapy group
What I see is:
He wants me to write him a letter - an impact statement - that they want him to read to his support/therapy group
I see him putting responsibility onto you for his recovery. That's still manipulation and that is still him trying to pull you into his life.
You are not responsible for his recovery. If you are not comfortable with this request, do nothing. You are not obligated to fulfill the request.
Your life is just as important as his. Your recovery is just as important as his. Your serenity is just as important as his.
One of the reasons you gave for possibly writing the impact letter was to get him to read out loud what he has done to you. Can you be sure that he will actually read this to his group? Would you be writing this to help yourself or to take control of his therapy?
Give yourself the time you need. You don't have to solve this before noon today, right? You no longer have to react to the alcoholic. You can now breathe, reflect and respond peacefully.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
Thank you so much Pelican! I have tears in my eyes! LOL
You're right - I don't have any obligation to write one if I don't want. His kids are all writing one. That ought to keep him reading out loud for at least 5 hours!
Thank you for your kind words!
You're right - I don't have any obligation to write one if I don't want. His kids are all writing one. That ought to keep him reading out loud for at least 5 hours!
Thank you for your kind words!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
Redux,
I could have written many of the statements you made in your post. I spent twenty years married to AH. I had several businesses with him, and of course everything that twenty years and four children accumulates over that time.
I, too, just want out. It is very hard to detangle yourself from all of these things, and it becomes frustrating at times - frustrating beyond belief. I find myself crying all of the time when he is around or when we are trying to talk, because it just plain hurts.
I am finding that Al-Anon is helping, and I will start going to counseling next week.
Talking on this forum does wonders. Share, read, hope, laugh, cry. We are all here for you.
I could have written many of the statements you made in your post. I spent twenty years married to AH. I had several businesses with him, and of course everything that twenty years and four children accumulates over that time.
I, too, just want out. It is very hard to detangle yourself from all of these things, and it becomes frustrating at times - frustrating beyond belief. I find myself crying all of the time when he is around or when we are trying to talk, because it just plain hurts.
I am finding that Al-Anon is helping, and I will start going to counseling next week.
Talking on this forum does wonders. Share, read, hope, laugh, cry. We are all here for you.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Hey Redux,
When getting out -- the hard part (at least for me) -- is figuring out which is the Exit Door.
Sort of nice when there are those emergency lighted EXIT signs that tell you which way to go.
I guess if we could recall the way in, it might be easier to figure the way out. Duinno. Happened at my first Al-Anon meeting a few weeks ago. Came in, sat down, did the meeting, and the meet and greet . . . but then I just stood there stuck trying to figure out which door to go out. There were four, and I finally asked how to get out of there. Someone started giving me road directions and I had to stop them and say that I meant I could not figure which door to leave the room. Got kind of quiet and they pointed -- that one. OK. Thanks.
Your experience and mileage may vary, but you get what I am saying? Life does not come with lighted Exit signs a lot of the time, either.
When getting out -- the hard part (at least for me) -- is figuring out which is the Exit Door.
Sort of nice when there are those emergency lighted EXIT signs that tell you which way to go.
I guess if we could recall the way in, it might be easier to figure the way out. Duinno. Happened at my first Al-Anon meeting a few weeks ago. Came in, sat down, did the meeting, and the meet and greet . . . but then I just stood there stuck trying to figure out which door to go out. There were four, and I finally asked how to get out of there. Someone started giving me road directions and I had to stop them and say that I meant I could not figure which door to leave the room. Got kind of quiet and they pointed -- that one. OK. Thanks.
Your experience and mileage may vary, but you get what I am saying? Life does not come with lighted Exit signs a lot of the time, either.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Redux 
So of course I'm feeling like a real jerk for not standing by him, especially now that he is in rehab. I just want out.
When my axw was in her 30 day in patient deal, she called me the first week and was panicked because "three of her 'classmates' significant others had bailed" that week.
I think it's common, that by the time they finally get to rehab, we've had "enough already". That coupled with the "peace and quiet" we experience from their absence.
In my case, all the chaos stopped.....imagine that, and I got a chance to step back and see how bad the situation had really gotten.
One school of thought is that while they are immersed in therapy and support, it's a good time for us to "exit, stage right".
Bottom line, I owe them nothing, but owe myself everything. It's a weird concept at first and feels wrong. I had to learn to take care of myself first, or I've got nothing to give anyone else.
Good luck, and hang around, there's LOTS of wisdom to be found here.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I think it is a healthy sign that you are to the point of "just wanting out".
It is a healthy place to be!
As for this "impact" letter, it is nothing more than you working his recovery. Let him write his own letters, stew in his own memories.
I recall when my AH was in rehab for the first time... the program called for the family members to record a video of how the addiction effected us. Then, they played it in front of the entire group of rehab patients. The point? IT was lost as far as I was concerned, perhaps a bit of raw reality for my AH while he was in the program - thing was with him (as many others) the denial was such a thick wall of protection for him... nothing phased him for long. To forget the misery he caused, the guilt he was feeling, he'd just return to the bottle - his "numbing friend" and forget all over again.
A few more trips around on the merry go round, and I wanted off. I jumped... and glad I did.
It is a healthy place to be!
As for this "impact" letter, it is nothing more than you working his recovery. Let him write his own letters, stew in his own memories.
I recall when my AH was in rehab for the first time... the program called for the family members to record a video of how the addiction effected us. Then, they played it in front of the entire group of rehab patients. The point? IT was lost as far as I was concerned, perhaps a bit of raw reality for my AH while he was in the program - thing was with him (as many others) the denial was such a thick wall of protection for him... nothing phased him for long. To forget the misery he caused, the guilt he was feeling, he'd just return to the bottle - his "numbing friend" and forget all over again.
A few more trips around on the merry go round, and I wanted off. I jumped... and glad I did.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
Thank you all for the support. I talked to his daughter this morning and she said she feels like he needs a big dose of honesty from everyone about the hurt he has caused because otherwise he won't recover.
I go back and forth between not caring what he needs and feeling sorry for him because he IS trying to get help and I'm getting ready to yank the rug out from under him. I wasn't very nice to him last night on the phone and I think I hurt his feelings. Of course I feel GUILTY about that.
Dammit. :lol
Thank you all for the kind words. I'm so glad I found this place and I hope that I can give back the same support to you guys!
I go back and forth between not caring what he needs and feeling sorry for him because he IS trying to get help and I'm getting ready to yank the rug out from under him. I wasn't very nice to him last night on the phone and I think I hurt his feelings. Of course I feel GUILTY about that.
Dammit. :lol
Thank you all for the kind words. I'm so glad I found this place and I hope that I can give back the same support to you guys!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
TO RECOVER HE MUST DO IT FOR HIMSELF...SAVE HIS OWN LIFE
JUST AS YOU MUST DO IT FOR YOURSELF...DO WHAT BRINGS YOU JOY, SERENITY AND RECOVERY.
IF HE STAYS SOBER HE'LL BE A BETTER BUSINESS PARTNER...PERHAPS THAT's ALL YOU CAN HANDLE.
JUST AS YOU MUST DO IT FOR YOURSELF...DO WHAT BRINGS YOU JOY, SERENITY AND RECOVERY.
IF HE STAYS SOBER HE'LL BE A BETTER BUSINESS PARTNER...PERHAPS THAT's ALL YOU CAN HANDLE.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I go back and forth between not caring what he needs and feeling sorry for him because he IS trying to get help and I'm getting ready to yank the rug out from under him. I wasn't very nice to him last night on the phone and I think I hurt his feelings. Of course I feel GUILTY about that.
1. Trust your instincts.
2. Follow your heart.
Just my opinions:
Nothing you say here is "deep enough." You're still on the surface of yourself, dealing with feelings and emotions. Dig deeper for the instinct and your own truth inside your heart.
You think that you: "hurt his feelings," and will "yank the rug out," from under him but you are ASSUMING these things. None of us can read minds. And most of us have learned over and over that you cannot trust what they say or how they act, or anything they do external to themselves. And honestly, none of us has that much power and control over another person.
How he feels and whether or not the rug gets yanked from under him is not your business, concern, or responsibility. What IS your concern is the fact that HIM HITTING YOU WITH HIS CLOSED FIST WOULD HAVE KNOCKED YOU ONTO THE RUG. What was your INSTINCT when he threatened to do this to you? Trust your INSTINCTS.
Your "not caring," "feeling sorry," "not being nice," and "feeling guilty" are just feelings. Where do these feelings come from? What is in your heart? What are your OWN morals and values that you possess in your heart to guide your behavior, that are causing you to have these feelings?
Or are these feelings a result of GUILT? If so, you must get rid of the guilt because it is poisoning you. The same way you would get rid of any bad habit, sugar, caffeine, biting your nails, GET RID OF GUILT. Then, what is TRULY in your heart will come forward and you will be much more clear about what to do.
Hope something here helps you. If it were me, and I was given the opportunity to write an impact statement for someone I was done with, I would keep it short and simple. "As a result of your alcoholic, drug-addicted behavior you have done some really $hitty things to me. Therefore, I hate you." Sounds harsh but it's just how I feel about the last messed-up person in my life. In fact, I say it out loud every time that person comes into my head, in order to clear him out.
Not saying you should write that but if that person from my past asked me to write one, that's what I would write. How he chooses to react to it is his problem.
P.S. If I were in your situation, I would be at the attorney's office getting HIM to write a business agreement that gets ONE of you out of the business you have together.
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