Sister909

My brother's fiancee' called and said that he's been drinking more than usual lately. (He is 47) He was diagnosed with a bad liver last year and also has Hep C. He was told to stop drinking and join AA but has not done either. He uses the excuse that the VA has budget cuts and he doesn't think he'd be a candidate anyway, so why try My mother died last year and I'm sure he has a lot of guilt because he lives 380miles away and didn't see her or call often enough. He went through a really nasty divorce and his ex is driving our family MAD. (I wonder if she sits around all day making lists of how she can screw with him more). My nephew got married two weeks ago and I saw my brother for the first time in months. He looks terrible. His eyes are yellow like a cat. He drinks right in front of all of us. My sisters (2) and I have gotten to the point where we don't mention his drinking or health and we don't scold him. Now he has told her (fiancee') that he doesn't care and he wants to die and be with Mom. He has two sons and a daughter with 3 children, but they don't seem to matter to him either. I don't know what to do! How can I help him see how he is hurting our family? My older brother (56) had a liver transplant 6 years ago and has never touched a drop since then. The younger one won't even consider listening to the older one and has basically cut all ties with him. BTW, his fiancee' doesn't drink and it is tearing her apart too. I have sent her the link to this site so she can join us. Any comments would be welcomed!

Morning Glory

Hi Sister,

What you are going is heartbreaking. I think all we can do is grieve and keep going with our lives. I wish we could handcuff them and force them into treatment, but we can't. It's all up to them. I wish there was something more I could say. There is always the hope that he will decide to get help.

Until then we have to learn to go on with our lives. It's not easy, but it does get better and we learn to cope with it so it doesn't disable us.

Hugs,
MG

Sister909

Thank you. It sickens me when I realize that my sisters and I have resolved ourselves to accept that he is going to die and probably before us. I love him so much because he is my little brother and when we were small I always protected him. My heart hurts.

Morning Glory

I know it hurts bad. I wish there was something I could do to make it feel better.

My son is an alcoholic and I know that pain.

I feel better only becasue I keep my focus off the things I can do nothing about. I try to keep my focus on today and the small things I'll miss if I let myself worry about the future.

You're not alone. We all understand.

Hugs,
MG

Sister909

Here is an exerpt from his fiancee's letter to me. I feel that I should go see him although I don't know how it would help because he would greet me with a beer in his hand.:
========================================
Last night he was falling asleep at the kitchen table
and I finally told him to go to bed. When I got upstairs he was
dreaming so I tried to wake him up and he wouldn't wake up. He said he
was and he was telling me how beautiful it was and how glad he was to
see Mom. His eyes were open but he wasn't with me.....he was with his
Mom in heaven. He described how beautiful it was and how happy he was.
==========================================

What do you think about that?

Morning Glory

Oh, I just don't know. He could have been so drunk that he was having an awake blackout. He sounds seriously depressed. I think you would see a totally different person if he were sober.

It's just too bad he won't go in for treatment. It would be a good time to call an ambulance when he is like that. They'll take him to the hospital as long as he doesn't refuse to go. If you can catch him at a time when he isn't aware you may be able to get him in. If his eyes are yellow he may be in danger of liver failure right now.

I think your best bet would be to call 911 when he is unconscious and have them take him in.

I wish there was more I could say. I'm not sure if there is anything else you can do.

Hugs,
MG

addict's sis

Sister-
I know just how you feel. My brother and I are 13 months apart. We were inseparable growing up. Now we could not be more different. He started out drinking and was in the hospital constantly. The doctors kept telling him that next time he would die. But he had many more 'next times' and is still kicking. He then moved up to meth. He was in the hospital for nearly a month because his foot was so infected from needle use. He had surgery every day. The doctors said they nearly just took his foot when they saw it, because it was so horribly infected.
I would always stay at the hospital with him and my husband would just have to understand. But, he didn't. He doesn't get the closeness between my brother and I. My brother will keep promising to quit, he even went to rehab. He did really well for a little while, but is now using marijuana again. I let it consume me. It really affected my attitude and feelings. I didn't even realize that he is what my problem was. Now, I go to Al-Anon meetings. They are a tremendous help. I read the literature. It has helped me a lot with the awful feelings of helplessness. I haven't gotten to talk to many siblings of alcoholics or addicts. I always felt like I the mothers and wives wouldn't understand how much it hurts to be the sister and be so helpless. I have come to understand through this board and Al-Anon that they do understand and am VERY thankful for everyone!
I hope that your brother will find help soon.

Sister909

Thank you so much for your honest and feedback. It is helping me realize that I really AM NOT alone.